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My experience with schizophrenia. Is yours similar in any way?

vangoghs

vangoghs

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Dec 14, 2020
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170
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Austin, TX
Generally, my Thought Inserter seems abusive. Being stuck with them, is like being stuck in an abusive relationship that I never entered into, willingly, with someone who lacks any self-awareness whatsoever, and is a moral imbecile.

Their presence is an inherent violation, as my mental space and my body are meant to be mine alone. I remind them of this, periodically.

If things go well for me, it is suddenly hard to sleep, sometimes. Or, there are painful sensory hallucinations. Also, my luck seems to get worse. The hallucinations go into what I call the Abuse Loop, periodically. It is always jealous of anyone I might plausibly develop an interest in; it is also jealous of people that I would never be interested in. It hates me, and doesn't want me to trust others. Sometimes, it seems like it wants to play matchmaker, but this is always malicious in some way, and I am never interested.

It wants to falsely ascribe the bad traits of others to me, as well as my good traits to others.

It puts disturbing imagery into my head that is foreign to me. It does this, I think, when my thoughts anger them in some way. This seems to be a way for them to punish me.

I have wondered, if the Thought Inserter is another person, but one with a personality disorder, like BPD. There was a therapist online, who did a thread on BPD, and he seemed to be describing the Thought Inserter. It had previously indulged in black-and-white thinking, which, at times, temporarily influenced my thinking, as well. They sort of bled into me, as such.

I have also wondered if schizophrenia does something to a person's mind, which erodes protective mental barriers that other people simply have naturally; perhaps, we had them too, but it was taken from us, somehow.

I have thought long on my relationships with other people. My father played favorites; I was the unfavorite. He was also neglectful, and, possibly, sexually abusive to either my sister, I, or both (there were supervised visits, after the divorce). My mom divorced my father, when I was a small child. He is a spiteful person; I don't think that he has ever forgiven her for leaving him. I may be the unfavorite, primarily, because I was always more partial toward my mom than him. Previously, TTI tried to get me to take father's side in their dispute, but I grew to hate him, instead.

I was on the Honor Roll, and loved school, until I was bullied in seventh grade. Then, I mostly lost interest, until I moved to another state, and went to college; in college, I did well, but didn't finish, due to financial constraints.

My sister and I spent a lot of time together, when we were growing up. She was older and more dominant, but I was not a complete pushover. She was spiteful and strange, but also could be very pleasant. On occasion, she did things that made no sense, but it seems that how strange these things were, didn't sink in fully, until I was a schizophrenic. She lives in another state; she has only visited, once, in the past twelve years. When I was thirteen, I tried to kill myself; the suicide note was addressed to her only. As a schizophrenic, I became appalled by her treatment of me, and cut off all contact. One of my delusions involved us being reincarnations of close friends, but this did not prevent this decision.

I was best friends with someone that has a very wealthy background, which was concealed from me, during the duration of our friendship. I lived across the street from her, since I was in second grade, until I was in seventh. My father cared more about pleasing her family than my best interests, when we were teens, I think, now. I wonder now, if her family manuevered mine into the apartment across the street from them, for reasons unknown to me.

My mom and my father put in more effort with their siblings than their siblings have with them. Neither of my parents are particularly assertive with people outside the nuclear family; in this way, father seems worse to me - even less assertive than mom. Mom and father both have issues with their parents that seem particularly unaddressed in father's case. My father used to have friends in his neighborhood, but over time, something changed; my father was not assertive with neighbors that treated him badly, at all. My mom's experience with most friendships, has led her to believe that most people will take advantage of her, so she doesn't seek new friends. Mom is more assertive with neighbors, coworkers, ect. than father; for a long time, mom seemed much healthier than father mentally, until around the time that I became schizophrenic, at least.

Mom seems unhappy about certain things in her life now, but does little to change anything. She doesn't like going out anymore, but, as a schizophrenic, I go out far more, even with the pandemic, of which I am skeptical.

My mom's family is from East Germany. Her father defected to the West. I wonder if that decision followed his family like a dark cloud; perhaps, it is still stalking us like a dark cloud. One of her sisters had a cat, who was decapitated by an unknown person(s).

I have cyberstalkers. Hackers have followed me, and hacked things like traffic lights and crosswalk signs, which endangered my life, and those of other people.

What are your thoughts on this?
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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You seem to know your unwanted companion well and possess quite a bit of insight into it's abilities.

If I may I'd like to share what I believe I've learned about mine.

I believe all Humans share their body with another consciousness, I think we come in pairs. My mind is in control of the body (for the most part) and this second mind is along for the ride yet has skills and abilities that I don't have.

Some of these abilities include being able to insert thoughts, images and impulses to do things into my mind, I believe it's their way of steering us in a direction they want us to go and for most people on the planet this is normal and the way of things but it can be abused quite easily.

A book I read claims some scientists did experiments in the 1960's that identified where they reside in the brain, they believe our mind is in the left hemisphere of the brain while this second mind resides in the right.

I call them the 'twin within' as I believe me and my companion were born together to the same parents, he's my twin brother but we share a body, I also call them 'head-mates' or the 'hidden people' as I believe there's one hiding within each and every one of us.

A stat I keep hearing is that at least 10% of all people have had some kind of voice hearing experience, my thoughts are there's probably more than that who don't ever report them.

So that's the very basics of my beliefs, two minds one body, I think as time goes by more and more will reveal themselves to us and this 'duality' will even be taught in schools one day. If any of this is right it'll fundamentally change the way we approach psychology in the future.
 
vangoghs

vangoghs

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Joined
Dec 14, 2020
Messages
170
Location
Austin, TX
You seem to know your unwanted companion well and possess quite a bit of insight into it's abilities.

If I may I'd like to share what I believe I've learned about mine.

I believe all Humans share their body with another consciousness, I think we come in pairs. My mind is in control of the body (for the most part) and this second mind is along for the ride yet has skills and abilities that I don't have.

Some of these abilities include being able to insert thoughts, images and impulses to do things into my mind, I believe it's their way of steering us in a direction they want us to go and for most people on the planet this is normal and the way of things but it can be abused quite easily.

A book I read claims some scientists did experiments in the 1960's that identified where they reside in the brain, they believe our mind is in the left hemisphere of the brain while this second mind resides in the right.

I call them the 'twin within' as I believe me and my companion were born together to the same parents, he's my twin brother but we share a body, I also call them 'head-mates' or the 'hidden people' as I believe there's one hiding within each and every one of us.

A stat I keep hearing is that at least 10% of all people have had some kind of voice hearing experience, my thoughts are there's probably more than that who don't ever report them.

So that's the very basics of my beliefs, two minds one body, I think as time goes by more and more will reveal themselves to us and this 'duality' will even be taught in schools one day. If any of this is right it'll fundamentally change the way we approach psychology in the future.
There is only supposed to be one mind in one body. The other presence is essentially a rapist. It does not respect even my most basic boundaries. I would rather die than be 'paired' with this thing.

If you weren't born a twin, you aren't a twin. The other is violating you. I wasn't born with this thing; it violated me, later.

Mine doesn't have any useful skills, and it doesn't share anything of itself, except things that are purely negative. It steals good things from me. It makes things wilt.

I want it to leave me be, but it never does. It is disgusting.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Mine isn't all that great either, he's a psychopath that has learned to hurt me physically and a sociopath with no regard for what's right or wrong.

He doesn't respect my boundaries, talks almost non-stop and often feels like a violation upon my mind.

I use medication to reduce his influence and power over me and take away some of his more advanced abilities which is quite a severe punishment but it's the only one I have so I'll be using this against him for the rest of my life. He's in a living hell because of his actions and he's going to have a long time to think about what he's done to me.

Have you seen a doctor yet?
 
vangoghs

vangoghs

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Messages
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Location
Austin, TX
Mine isn't all that great either, he's a psychopath that has learned to hurt me physically and a sociopath with no regard for what's right or wrong.

He doesn't respect my boundaries, talks almost non-stop and often feels like a violation upon my mind.

I use medication to reduce his influence and power over me and take away some of his more advanced abilities which is quite a severe punishment but it's the only one I have so I'll be using this against him for the rest of my life. He's in a living hell because of his actions and he's going to have a long time to think about what he's done to me.

Have you seen a doctor yet?
I saw a doctor early in, who seemed odd. He told me it sounded like I had psychosis, but focused on a health problem that I don't have, instead.

I am far less delusional, now. The delusions have diminished over time, but the hallucinations remain.

I think cutting off contact with certain untrustworthy people, and finding a better job, has improved my mental health, however.
 
vangoghs

vangoghs

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
Austin, TX
I saw a doctor early in, who seemed odd. He told me it sounded like I had psychosis, but focused on a health problem that I don't have, instead.

I am far less delusional, now. The delusions have diminished over time, but the hallucinations remain.

I think cutting off contact with certain untrustworthy people, and finding a better job, has improved my mental health, however.
Abusive people and situations will make your mental health worse.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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They called what I was going through psychosis but I believe I was simply a victim of my voice, I think my voice put thoughts and ideas into my mind that I believed were all my own and I appeared delusional.

Now thanks to my meds my voice is the victim, a victim of his own stupidity, a lot of doctors won't know why anti-psychotics work against voices but they do work.

I now know exactly which thoughts are my own and which are coming from my voice and can ignore them so easily, I can still get images but they feel much weaker than they used to be.

You say your voice doesn't have any skills but mine has shown quite a few.

My voice once told me what a family member was thinking, I got her to think of a shape and with the help of my voice I told her what shape she was thinking of four times in a row, my voice can't seem to do this on meds.

It also told me what a friend was wearing one day, I went to visit her and she was wearing exactly what my voice said she would be, I have my theories on how both these abilities work but meds have taken them away and my voice is very angry and upset about it which makes me very happy, it deserves everything it gets.
 
vangoghs

vangoghs

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It is relatively easy for me to tell the difference between my thoughts and those of the Thought Inserter, although there was a brief period, when this was more difficult, in the beginning.

How long did you experience psychosis, before seeking medical attention? Did they put you on medications, early? Are you a smoker? Did you use any drugs, at the time? Did a therapist tell you that the Thought Inserter was you?
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I suffered the first time for a few weeks, I went into hospital which must have scared my voice so it stopped messing with my mind and left me alone, I only spent 9 days in there and they never gave me meds.

About 4 or 5 months later my voice tried again and this went on for a month nearly two and it stopped messing with my mind when I decided to go back to hospital to ask for meds, my voice was terrified while I was in the waiting room trying to convince me to go home but I stuck it out and got the meds I wanted. That will be five years ago come September.

They told me nothing about what my voice might be, I had to figure that out for myself by observing it and reading books.
 
Zero One

Zero One

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Generally, my Thought Inserter seems abusive. Being stuck with them, is like being stuck in an abusive relationship that I never entered into, willingly, with someone who lacks any self-awareness whatsoever, and is a moral imbecile.

Their presence is an inherent violation, as my mental space and my body are meant to be mine alone. I remind them of this, periodically.

If things go well for me, it is suddenly hard to sleep, sometimes. Or, there are painful sensory hallucinations. Also, my luck seems to get worse. The hallucinations go into what I call the Abuse Loop, periodically. It is always jealous of anyone I might plausibly develop an interest in; it is also jealous of people that I would never be interested in. It hates me, and doesn't want me to trust others. Sometimes, it seems like it wants to play matchmaker, but this is always malicious in some way, and I am never interested.

It wants to falsely ascribe the bad traits of others to me, as well as my good traits to others.

It puts disturbing imagery into my head that is foreign to me. It does this, I think, when my thoughts anger them in some way. This seems to be a way for them to punish me.

I have wondered, if the Thought Inserter is another person, but one with a personality disorder, like BPD. There was a therapist online, who did a thread on BPD, and he seemed to be describing the Thought Inserter. It had previously indulged in black-and-white thinking, which, at times, temporarily influenced my thinking, as well. They sort of bled into me, as such.

I have also wondered if schizophrenia does something to a person's mind, which erodes protective mental barriers that other people simply have naturally; perhaps, we had them too, but it was taken from us, somehow.

I have thought long on my relationships with other people. My father played favorites; I was the unfavorite. He was also neglectful, and, possibly, sexually abusive to either my sister, I, or both (there were supervised visits, after the divorce). My mom divorced my father, when I was a small child. He is a spiteful person; I don't think that he has ever forgiven her for leaving him. I may be the unfavorite, primarily, because I was always more partial toward my mom than him. Previously, TTI tried to get me to take father's side in their dispute, but I grew to hate him, instead.

I was on the Honor Roll, and loved school, until I was bullied in seventh grade. Then, I mostly lost interest, until I moved to another state, and went to college; in college, I did well, but didn't finish, due to financial constraints.

My sister and I spent a lot of time together, when we were growing up. She was older and more dominant, but I was not a complete pushover. She was spiteful and strange, but also could be very pleasant. On occasion, she did things that made no sense, but it seems that how strange these things were, didn't sink in fully, until I was a schizophrenic. She lives in another state; she has only visited, once, in the past twelve years. When I was thirteen, I tried to kill myself; the suicide note was addressed to her only. As a schizophrenic, I became appalled by her treatment of me, and cut off all contact. One of my delusions involved us being reincarnations of close friends, but this did not prevent this decision.

I was best friends with someone that has a very wealthy background, which was concealed from me, during the duration of our friendship. I lived across the street from her, since I was in second grade, until I was in seventh. My father cared more about pleasing her family than my best interests, when we were teens, I think, now. I wonder now, if her family manuevered mine into the apartment across the street from them, for reasons unknown to me.

My mom and my father put in more effort with their siblings than their siblings have with them. Neither of my parents are particularly assertive with people outside the nuclear family; in this way, father seems worse to me - even less assertive than mom. Mom and father both have issues with their parents that seem particularly unaddressed in father's case. My father used to have friends in his neighborhood, but over time, something changed; my father was not assertive with neighbors that treated him badly, at all. My mom's experience with most friendships, has led her to believe that most people will take advantage of her, so she doesn't seek new friends. Mom is more assertive with neighbors, coworkers, ect. than father; for a long time, mom seemed much healthier than father mentally, until around the time that I became schizophrenic, at least.

Mom seems unhappy about certain things in her life now, but does little to change anything. She doesn't like going out anymore, but, as a schizophrenic, I go out far more, even with the pandemic, of which I am skeptical.

My mom's family is from East Germany. Her father defected to the West. I wonder if that decision followed his family like a dark cloud; perhaps, it is still stalking us like a dark cloud. One of her sisters had a cat, who was decapitated by an unknown person(s).

I have cyberstalkers. Hackers have followed me, and hacked things like traffic lights and crosswalk signs, which endangered my life, and those of other people.

What are your thoughts on this?
What you describe is similar to what I experience...not a favorite, can't stand the voices, think I would be better off without them etc. With me however they are extremely intelligent, well organized, and motivated by control. Even people who do not have schizophrenia or schizoaffective and are normal are kept on controls that make the person feel they are in control of themself--I was one of these people and was unprepared for what they caused in my life. When I was a small child to 2 years of age, I started to think about thoughts because of their impact I remember my aunt calling my bottle baba and I was thinking...I know what that means but then they showed me their controls to delay my development and make me forget all that I learned. These things happen like some impacted thought that is still normal. Throughout being a child and into and adulthood I continued to think about thoughts...also observing the behaviors of others and social structure. I went on autopilot for a while and started to think about inconsistencies that society presented to me. It was like a crisis. I said all of that to say they forged this relationship with me and thought about my thoughts too and patterns of thinking I have made for myself which they call structures. Sometimes they can remove structures from us without us knowing it is them we may just feel different or think that we have matured past something-- sometimes we just realize we forgot and are thrown completely off. I just wanted to share that part with you as you said you feel like they remove things from your mind. That is something that happens toe and is a truth for me.
 
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