S
SL01
Guest
I’m not sure why I’m posting this. I guess thought it might help.
I think I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, but I didn’t realize this until sometime during 7th grade. At that point, I realized what I feel isn’t normal. I know everyone gets anxious at times, but I realized I worry far too much. I also realized I always worry about what others are thinking and what I say a lot. I find myself thinking about the stupid thing I did or said two years ago constantly.
I dealt with a heart issue as a child, and my brother has health issues too, so this probably contributed to my anxiety. He was in and out of the hospital a lot, and my parents didn’t hide their emotions/conversations very well.
I got a little worse in 8th grade, but 9th grade is when everything came crashing down. I hated life, myself, and everything else. I was extremely insecure. I just felt numb. I don’t know what exactly led to this, but I guess I got tired of feeling the way I do and I felt like I was worthless because of the way I felt. I considered self harm and I thought the world would be better without me. I tried out and made my school’s dance team (for my 10th grade year), thinking this would help me put myself out there. I hated it, and it made me more anxious. I told my parents school wasn’t challenging enough, so they let me switch to virtual school.
I was happy for a little while, but things got bad again. Since then it’s been on and off. Some days I’m fine, and then I have a week where I’m not. I’m anxious pretty much 24/7. I avoid things that I wouldn’t have a couple years ago (like having to talk to adults/new people). I hate myself, but there are days here and there that I feel confident. I’m probably over sensitive too, but I can’t help it. I’ve never stopped eating completely, but here and there I become overly aware of my weight and what I’m eating. I guess I’m just insecure. I compare myself to others, and in my eyes I’m not pretty. I just want people to like me.
There’s certain things I have to do because I worry something bad will happen if I don’t. I get urges, and I can’t fully relax until I do whatever my brain is telling me. I also don’t like change. For example, whenever I vacuum my room, stepping on the newly vacuumed floor pains me. I end up playing floor is lava until I rip the band-aid off. I’m also obsessed with the condition of my belongings. The newer the item is, the more I care about how it looks. There’s also certain things in my room I can’t stand other people touching, like my bed.
No one knows about any of this except my friend, but he lives an hour away from me. Even then I’ve stopped telling him things because I’m sure I sound annoying and whiny. I’m a senior, so I just have to keep it bottled up for another year. Then maybe I’ll seek professional help. I just don’t want my parents to have to worry about me, and they’re kind of part of the problem. The only time I feel a little better is when I’m dancing, but I still manage to compare myself to everyone else at the studio.
One of my biggest worries is that I’m making everything above up. This is one reason I don’t tell people about all of this. I worry that I’m not actually dealing with anything, so I’m just wasting time by making myself think I could be dealing with something. What if my mind is just playing tricks on me?
I don’t even know why I’m posting this. This probably doesn't make any sense, and it definitely isn’t organized. I’m sorry.
I think I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, but I didn’t realize this until sometime during 7th grade. At that point, I realized what I feel isn’t normal. I know everyone gets anxious at times, but I realized I worry far too much. I also realized I always worry about what others are thinking and what I say a lot. I find myself thinking about the stupid thing I did or said two years ago constantly.
I dealt with a heart issue as a child, and my brother has health issues too, so this probably contributed to my anxiety. He was in and out of the hospital a lot, and my parents didn’t hide their emotions/conversations very well.
I got a little worse in 8th grade, but 9th grade is when everything came crashing down. I hated life, myself, and everything else. I was extremely insecure. I just felt numb. I don’t know what exactly led to this, but I guess I got tired of feeling the way I do and I felt like I was worthless because of the way I felt. I considered self harm and I thought the world would be better without me. I tried out and made my school’s dance team (for my 10th grade year), thinking this would help me put myself out there. I hated it, and it made me more anxious. I told my parents school wasn’t challenging enough, so they let me switch to virtual school.
I was happy for a little while, but things got bad again. Since then it’s been on and off. Some days I’m fine, and then I have a week where I’m not. I’m anxious pretty much 24/7. I avoid things that I wouldn’t have a couple years ago (like having to talk to adults/new people). I hate myself, but there are days here and there that I feel confident. I’m probably over sensitive too, but I can’t help it. I’ve never stopped eating completely, but here and there I become overly aware of my weight and what I’m eating. I guess I’m just insecure. I compare myself to others, and in my eyes I’m not pretty. I just want people to like me.
There’s certain things I have to do because I worry something bad will happen if I don’t. I get urges, and I can’t fully relax until I do whatever my brain is telling me. I also don’t like change. For example, whenever I vacuum my room, stepping on the newly vacuumed floor pains me. I end up playing floor is lava until I rip the band-aid off. I’m also obsessed with the condition of my belongings. The newer the item is, the more I care about how it looks. There’s also certain things in my room I can’t stand other people touching, like my bed.
No one knows about any of this except my friend, but he lives an hour away from me. Even then I’ve stopped telling him things because I’m sure I sound annoying and whiny. I’m a senior, so I just have to keep it bottled up for another year. Then maybe I’ll seek professional help. I just don’t want my parents to have to worry about me, and they’re kind of part of the problem. The only time I feel a little better is when I’m dancing, but I still manage to compare myself to everyone else at the studio.
One of my biggest worries is that I’m making everything above up. This is one reason I don’t tell people about all of this. I worry that I’m not actually dealing with anything, so I’m just wasting time by making myself think I could be dealing with something. What if my mind is just playing tricks on me?
I don’t even know why I’m posting this. This probably doesn't make any sense, and it definitely isn’t organized. I’m sorry.