• Welcome! It’s great to see you.

    Our forum members are people, maybe like yourself, who experience mental health difficulties or who have had them at some point in their life.

    If you'd like to talk with people who know what it's like

My experience (just thought sharing might help me)

S

SL01

Guest
I’m not sure why I’m posting this. I guess thought it might help.


I think I’ve dealt with anxiety my whole life, but I didn’t realize this until sometime during 7th grade. At that point, I realized what I feel isn’t normal. I know everyone gets anxious at times, but I realized I worry far too much. I also realized I always worry about what others are thinking and what I say a lot. I find myself thinking about the stupid thing I did or said two years ago constantly.

I dealt with a heart issue as a child, and my brother has health issues too, so this probably contributed to my anxiety. He was in and out of the hospital a lot, and my parents didn’t hide their emotions/conversations very well.

I got a little worse in 8th grade, but 9th grade is when everything came crashing down. I hated life, myself, and everything else. I was extremely insecure. I just felt numb. I don’t know what exactly led to this, but I guess I got tired of feeling the way I do and I felt like I was worthless because of the way I felt. I considered self harm and I thought the world would be better without me. I tried out and made my school’s dance team (for my 10th grade year), thinking this would help me put myself out there. I hated it, and it made me more anxious. I told my parents school wasn’t challenging enough, so they let me switch to virtual school.

I was happy for a little while, but things got bad again. Since then it’s been on and off. Some days I’m fine, and then I have a week where I’m not. I’m anxious pretty much 24/7. I avoid things that I wouldn’t have a couple years ago (like having to talk to adults/new people). I hate myself, but there are days here and there that I feel confident. I’m probably over sensitive too, but I can’t help it. I’ve never stopped eating completely, but here and there I become overly aware of my weight and what I’m eating. I guess I’m just insecure. I compare myself to others, and in my eyes I’m not pretty. I just want people to like me.

There’s certain things I have to do because I worry something bad will happen if I don’t. I get urges, and I can’t fully relax until I do whatever my brain is telling me. I also don’t like change. For example, whenever I vacuum my room, stepping on the newly vacuumed floor pains me. I end up playing floor is lava until I rip the band-aid off. I’m also obsessed with the condition of my belongings. The newer the item is, the more I care about how it looks. There’s also certain things in my room I can’t stand other people touching, like my bed.

No one knows about any of this except my friend, but he lives an hour away from me. Even then I’ve stopped telling him things because I’m sure I sound annoying and whiny. I’m a senior, so I just have to keep it bottled up for another year. Then maybe I’ll seek professional help. I just don’t want my parents to have to worry about me, and they’re kind of part of the problem. The only time I feel a little better is when I’m dancing, but I still manage to compare myself to everyone else at the studio.

One of my biggest worries is that I’m making everything above up. This is one reason I don’t tell people about all of this. I worry that I’m not actually dealing with anything, so I’m just wasting time by making myself think I could be dealing with something. What if my mind is just playing tricks on me?

I don’t even know why I’m posting this. This probably doesn't make any sense, and it definitely isn’t organized. I’m sorry.
 
SwedishChef

SwedishChef

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
55
Location
Poland
There’s certain things I have to do because I worry something bad will happen if I don’t. I get urges, and I can’t fully relax until I do whatever my brain is telling me. I also don’t like change. For example, whenever I vacuum my room, stepping on the newly vacuumed floor pains me.
That sounds like my obsessive-compulsive disorder. When you do the thing which your brain tells you, are you fully relaxed or your brain makes up another thing to worry about?

One of my biggest worries is that I’m making everything above up. This is one reason I don’t tell people about all of this. I worry that I’m not actually dealing with anything, so I’m just wasting time by making myself think I could be dealing with something. What if my mind is just playing tricks on me?
If you feel anxiety which disturbs your activities and make you unable to relax, I'm not sure what could that mean that you're not actually dealing with anything. What is in this case the difference between thinking that you could be dealing with something and actually dealing with it? I think that if your anxiety disables you from enjoying life you should look for help as soon as you can. There are a lot of methods of dealing with anxiety, like therapy (especially cognitive-behavioral therapy), medicine or relaxation methods which you can find on the web. And if it turns out that you don't need any of them, that can be reassuring as well :)
 
S

SL01

Guest
That sounds like my obsessive-compulsive disorder. When you do the thing which your brain tells you, are you fully relaxed or your brain makes up another thing to worry about?


If you feel anxiety which disturbs your activities and make you unable to relax, I'm not sure what could that mean that you're not actually dealing with anything. What is in this case the difference between thinking that you could be dealing with something and actually dealing with it? I think that if your anxiety disables you from enjoying life you should look for help as soon as you can. There are a lot of methods of dealing with anxiety, like therapy (especially cognitive-behavioral therapy), medicine or relaxation methods which you can find on the web. And if it turns out that you don't need any of them, that can be reassuring as well :)
Yeah, usually there’s always something my brain wants me to do. Even if my brain isn’t telling me to do something, I’m still worried about pretty much everything.

I don’t know how to explain it very well. Deep down I know I’m not making anything up. My brain just likes to tell me otherwise. I know that probably sounds weird.
I definitely plan on getting some help as soon as I can. I just have to figure out how to talk to my parents, or I’ll just try to hang in there until next summer.
 
SwedishChef

SwedishChef

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Jul 7, 2020
Messages
55
Location
Poland
I don’t know how to explain it very well. Deep down I know I’m not making anything up. My brain just likes to tell me otherwise. I know that probably sounds weird.
It doesn't sound weird. I think it's quite common to think in that way (I do it as well), but when I think a bit more it doesn't make any sense to me. There is a difference between physical and mental disorders in this respect. When I feel pain in my leg, it can be just a feeling without the real damage in the leg. But when I feel anxiety, how can I be wrong about it? Well, some strange philosophers would disagree, but nevermind them :)
 
S

SL01

Guest
It doesn't sound weird. I think it's quite common to think in that way (I do it as well), but when I think a bit more it doesn't make any sense to me. There is a difference between physical and mental disorders in this respect. When I feel pain in my leg, it can be just a feeling without the real damage in the leg. But when I feel anxiety, how can I be wrong about it? Well, some strange philosophers would disagree, but nevermind them :)
I’ve never thought about it that way. You’re right, the worry doesn’t make any sense. If I’m in pain, something had to cause that pain. I’ll try to keep this in mind in the future.
 
Similar threads
Thread starter Title Forum Replies Date
F my experience with mental illness Mental Health Experiences 3
T Wierd experience Mental Health Experiences 2
E Has anyone else had a positive experience with every prescribed medication Mental Health Experiences 1
wraziel When you lost control... My experience Mental Health Experiences 1
A better help, bad experience Mental Health Experiences 10
BONE How Do You Experience A Bad Day? Mental Health Experiences 4
F New here, can anyone help with a childhood experience? Thank you Mental Health Experiences 47
Ineedhelp2921 I just had my first CBT experience Mental Health Experiences 8
J Therapist experience Mental Health Experiences 2
A Oneirophrenia? Experience happened between dream and awake Mental Health Experiences 7
A partnership - mental harm service <- not my belief its my experience Mental Health Experiences 1
Kezav18 Bad experience with the crisis team Mental Health Experiences 15
Kezav18 Bad experience with the crisis team Mental Health Experiences 7
J I suppose this is my story, I never thought things were that bad until I saw what other people's lives were like. Mental Health Experiences 1
T Thought broadcasting Mental Health Experiences 7
jajingna Fear is faster than thought Mental Health Experiences 9
B Thought Cycling? Mental Health Experiences 3
blog15 Your thought life effects everything Mental Health Experiences 5
R Thought life would be easier, intrusive thoughts Mental Health Experiences 2
S Is it gaslighting, or am I just more mental than I thought? Mental Health Experiences 19
J Thought broadcasting Mental Health Experiences 11

Similar threads

Top