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My ex has BPD

S

Seeking2understand

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What does she mean when she says I can't have any type of intimacy with you anymore because it's "too hard on my feelings"?
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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Individuals with BPD have very strong emotions. Their lows are very low and their highs are very high. So if there are difficulties in a relationship causing friction it is exhausting and grief striking to be so happy to BAAM to the lowest of lows again. BPD are highly sensitive to criticism and emotions. If the relationship starts being a regular roller coaster of emotions they will many times end it. Maybe to come back, then end it again and so forth.
Dealing with an individual with BPD requires research, calmness, exceptional understanding for it to be stable. and sometimes they might flip out and you think why are they so upset? Well in many of our cases that small annoyance in our mind is HUGE. It is the nature of the illness.
When they decide to love, they love hard and fast. Its ALL. Love is a hard emotion to deal with for us really. You pretty much have to be a saint to have a stable relationship with us. LOL.
It might be also hard at first for us to cut someone out of our life but once we do its like severing a limb. That person is gone. Sounds very cold doesn't it? But the fact is, we are deeply emotional and its a way to cope. Black and white.
Its not impossibly to have a relationship with a BPD. I have been married 27 years. But I will liken to having a wild cat as a pet. They never do quite domesticate.:D
 
S

Seeking2understand

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Hi Soft Rain, thank you for your reply. However, it didn't fully answer my question.
Here is some back ground on my ex. She does not know she has BPD. A friend that has it told me she thinks my ex is a bpd. After reading countless articles and books I agree that she meets more than 6 of the criteria to be diagnosed.
She is very high functioning and you don't know she has it unless u r close to her or would know to look for the signs. She is a quiet bpd - acts in!
We are 'attempting' a friendship now since I know we can't be together and why. I know better now how to communicate with her because I am seeking to understand.
 
S

Seeking2understand

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Well it's hard to explain but it wasn't just sex with us and my ex knows it. She starated saying " sleep overs are too hard on me and being intimate is too hard on me". To a non BPD that makes no sense. Here is something I researched. They can't be emotionally intimate. Because by the very decree they have not matured enough emotionally to have an adult emotional relationship. Plus I think it triggers something for her and as much as they crave love and attention they also fear it just as much. Thoughts...
 
SoftRain

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That's what I thought you meant but wanted to be clear. I did answer it but in a non sexual way. She does not want friends with benefits. She runs deep and needs loyalty. She equals sex with love, and that is not immature. Although the world will say in this day and age, oh sex is just sex. It isn't to her.
Excuse me I can be a very direct person, so please don't be offended. Being a BPD myself, knowing you were discussing me with someone else, and not even disclosing you think I have BPD but I don't know it would be very upsetting to me. I am pretty sure she would be pissed. If you are unable to equate what she needs from the relationship, you need to get sex elsewhere. This could be very damaging to her, if you think with your loins.
I hope this helps in some way. Really you need to talk to her and be honest. Playing telephone, is a sure way to further damage the relationship.
 
Jasmine-love

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So you want to be intimate with her but you're just friends? I'm a bit confused about your question.
 
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Seeking2understand

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I'm not offended at all. But I guess I should of asked if you were BPD as well. Sorry for the assumption.
It was never just sex with us. That's what I'm trying to tell you. We can't be intimate it's too hard on her. It's easier for her to just have sex. I know what I'm talking about. I'm very educated on this subject. She is seeking answers and I have tried talking to her. It just makes it worse cuz she doesn't know either. So like I said, we're just friends.
 
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Seeking2understand

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Also this forum is meant for people to come and ask questions without judgement. Her being pist about me writing in her is beside the point. I will never reveal her name or mine. So that takes cares of that!
 
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Seeking2understand

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I wanted to be intimate with her but she couldn't handle it. So now we are just friends.
 
SoftRain

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No reason to apologize. There is no place better to get answers then from the horses mouth, another BPD. Our symptoms vary somewhat. I am sure others can help you understand from their point of view.
 
Jasmine-love

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Even the professionals, even us that live with bpd and have researched it to the ends of the earth and have had it for years, dont fully understand it, so I doubt you're able to understand it as well as you think you do. You are basing a diagnosis on what your friend told you!. Even those of us that are in treatment and have medical doctors still have confusion as to the actual diagnosis is.
 
S

Seeking2understand

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Here is a new question: what does it mean if a bpd is in a relationship without the push & pull, love & hate going on?
 
SoftRain

SoftRain

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Also this forum is meant for people to come and ask questions without judgement. Her being pist about me writing in her is beside the point. I will never reveal her name or mine. So that takes cares of that!

I am answering you honestly to the best of my ability, I am not judging. I think I might not be saying what you want to hear. Its only an opinion.
 
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Seeking2understand

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I totally agree. There is no cookie cutter description that everyone with BPD fits in too. Very true! I'm just more knowledgeable now. I don't fully understand it at all. But I'm learning all the time.
 
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