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my dissociation problem (TRIGGER WARNING)

brandothePSychopanda

brandothePSychopanda

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usa
I have been dissociating my whole life. i do not know where i picked up the trait but im guess sometime around the beatings i got daily and the massive isolation i faced being lock in solitary confinement for months. i was only 12 and the isolation was degrading i would be stripped naked and tied in uncomfortable positions for hours till my whole body would go numb. locked in a cold room for days. My mother use to beat me every time she got drunk i remember dissociating back then so the beating didnt hurt so bad. In kindergarten i would use it to pass the time this is when i realize it was a tool. i could pass time and live out my wildest dreams control my reality. it got worse over time with the abuse at home it became a go to for everything. i think it took really over my life. i simply cant control it. when i was put into a group home and when my mom abandoned me to be homesless it became its worse to become full on black outs. I also use to be really addicted to very sever self harm. it was to help ground myself when i didnt feel real. sorry about this triggering post I simply been keeping it in for so long needed to get it out
 
S

SunnyDaze

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Hi there.

I don't think you just "picked up the trait" of dissociating, it's just something that automatically happens to a child being abused. A way to be able to deal with it and survive.

I can relate, I remember being beat as a teenager in front of my 2 young nieces by my mom as punishment for skipping school and completely blocking out the pain(dissociating). I was thinking haha mom, I don't even feel it at all you bi*ch. I had dissociated so much throughout my entire childhood it just automatically happened.

I am sorry for what you have been through. Are you receiving professional help with it? If not, it's probably a good idea to.
 
brandothePSychopanda

brandothePSychopanda

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i am in therapy. but cant speak out the words to my therapist. kinda been in and out of Psych wards my whole life. i choice public forum helps just saying it but not necessarily be present
 
jajingna

jajingna

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i am in therapy. but cant speak out the words to my therapist
Maybe you could write about it and let your therapist read it, if you wanted to share your difficult experience. Something like, "These things are hard to talk about, so I wrote them down..."
 
brandothePSychopanda

brandothePSychopanda

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Joined
Feb 11, 2020
Messages
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Location
usa
Maybe you could write about it and let your therapist read it, if you wanted to share your difficult experience. Something like, "These things are hard to talk about, so I wrote them down..."
that is a good idea thank you friend :)
 
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