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My diagnosis and journey-a journal

AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Jan 8, 2020
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So, I forget the date, but sometime in 2018 after my psych testing, this was my diagnosis

unspecified bipolar disorder

So, there you have it! But meds don't seem to be necessary at this point.
 
Lake

Lake

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Jan 29, 2020
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Not taking meds can be a dangerous game. If your condition escalates you might forget you have a condition at all. That being said I know a lot of people who do that, many of them decided to take meds later in life after some problems. That being said best of luck man, its tough out there.
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Not taking meds can be a dangerous game. If your condition escalates you might forget you have a condition at all. That being said I know a lot of people who do that, many of them decided to take meds later in life after some problems. That being said best of luck man, its tough out there.
I understand, but I'm really not that bad. I've never really done anything super reckless (well, depends who you ask. Some might think it's reckless not to pay your credit card on time, which I hardly ever miss). But I don't do overspending or drink or drugs, etc. I just have trouble sleeping sometimes and elevated mood sometimes. It could even simply be circumstantial hence the "unspecified" part.

I guess I was neglectful in saying I don't need meds. I do take an antidepressant and an anti anxiety med and neither have elevated my mood to anything but slightly above my baseline, which is actually on the low side. Sigh! Yea, I suffer more with depression.
 
Lake

Lake

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I understand, but I'm really not that bad. I've never really done anything super reckless (well, depends who you ask. Some might think it's reckless not to pay your credit card on time, which I hardly ever miss). But I don't do overspending or drink or drugs, etc. I just have trouble sleeping sometimes and elevated mood sometimes. It could even simply be circumstantial hence the "unspecified" part.

I guess I was neglectful in saying I don't need meds. I do take an antidepressant and an anti anxiety med and neither have elevated my mood to anything but slightly above my baseline, which is actually on the low side. Sigh! Yea, I suffer more with depression.
A lot of the time I am okay too, but I take meds because the times where things are not alright like a really stressful day can be bad. One of the coolest dudes I met in the hospital had bipolar and didn't want to take meds. He was 100% normal and cool except for he would very infrequently ask me if I thought he was jesus christ (a very common delusion). Eventually he started taking meds to stabilize, I wonder sometimes what happened to him. I shouldn't have pitched his number, that dude was a life saver.
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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sooo, I posted in the depression forum, but i'm still wondering if this current depression/boredom isn't part of bipolar2 or cyclothymic. I'm reaching aren't I??? I just wish I was happy again!!! bleh!
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Alright, so today I woke up promptly at 8am from sleeping at midnightish. It's been a looong time since I've slept less than 10-12 hours (well, besides the 2 hours the night before last. sigh! but i needed a nap.)

um, I've also been experiencing racing or ruminating thoughts (night before last and yesterday) and today I've been SUPER productive. am I experiencing a high???
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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USA
i'm also feeling very good about myself right now, but my husband still likely won't be impressed. And that adds pressure and anxiety for me to do more/finish all these undone tasks...but i'm also physically tired. I do have to eat lunch still though! omg, i forgot! (sorta). just so much to do!!! and even if I do get all that done, I'm sure he'll still find something to complain about. I'm really getting bothered by him. Oh yeah! I wanted to contact my doctor again too? but is it enough that i noted some thoughts in my journal that he reads. ugh! i'm pretty sure he said to tell him if I get high again. Did he? ugh! i dunno! so much to do!!!
 
SunnyDaze

SunnyDaze

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Your husband complains when you don't get things done? Does he ever help you or offer to help you?
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Your husband complains when you don't get things done? Does he ever help you or offer to help you?
Yep! He doesn't really help during the week, but will occasionally help cook on weekends. To be fair, he has a very stressful job with a 40 minute drive each way. He is also on-call a lot so sometimes even works after hours (at home at least). And he does like yard work and runs errands and cleans up the basement every time it floods. So, I mean what I should be doing is like my job. Still, I don't find myself frequently complaining that he doesn't do his work or on time or say he should be doing this or that. I do complain that his complaining bothers me quite frequently. I whine about doing "my job" frequently too, especially at night right when he comes home after a long day. But he doesn't understand that my mental illness issues can wear me out as well as the physical toll working takes on me because I'm not as physically ?healthy?? either. So yeah. That's the long story of it.

I actually got out of cooking tonight because the meat packet I cleaned didn't yield enough meat. We went out instead and I'll cook it tomorrow with more meat. So that was a relief. And no complaints...yet. But I still have to finish the dishes, which I'm about to do after i finish my green tea. (hopefully this doesn't keep me up tonight, but i want to do my cardio walk, so i need caffeine.) Yeah, really hope I can sleep anxiety free tonight! <3
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Oh, and not sure if I'm still high exactly. I actually got like hopeless (is this the word i mean?) about something and cried for a bit. Can you cry while you're high?? It certainly wasn't happy tears. Despair, maybe that's the word. (oh, that's like the same thing as hopeless. :p )
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Your husband complains when you don't get things done? Does he ever help you or offer to help you?
he does more. I just remembered. Pays all the bills, arranges for all of our travel stuff (well mostly. i pack and sometimes scout out restaurant options). He also takes me shopping and loads all the groceries into the cart and carries most of them inside the house. Just trying to paint a realistic picture here... we talk about love languages (we as in people). The problem seems to be that neither of us can give enough of what the other needs...or that we do the bare minimum. We do have good moments, but lately it's been a lot of this complaining and lectures (you should do this, do that).
 
AnxiousE

AnxiousE

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Jan 8, 2020
Messages
451
Location
USA
Think I'm hypo. Or is this anxiety from atypical depression. But I'm thinking hypo. My impulsive behavior is needing to come on this site. But I'm also needing less sleep, having more energy, racing thoughts and anxiety...and I felt this way around the time I felt most high last (or well, the last big one). I had a week of higher mood about a month ago followed by depression followed by normal. Just documenting this stuff.

Oh, thought of one more thing-boredom.
 
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