My Depression...and Yours

[LokiPokey75]

So I don't often talk about my depression on this forum. I like to help people and I can often use my experiences dealing with OCD to encourage others on their journeys. But while I've done a great job tackling my OCD, I can't seem to beat my depression.

They are quite different actually, with one being a surface-level fear and the other a deeper dissatisfaction with life based on low self-esteem, fractured trust, and a lack of a strong community.

I have my good and bad days as we all do. I've met a great friend on this site who I talk to constantly. And I've ventured into online dating as well, making a couple of friendships that way too. But all online. And even though I have more belief than I used to, it goes away so easily and I end up crying in my bed.

I think about suicide almost every day. You don't have to give me the websites or the calls; I know what sources are available. I also get therapy and that's been a big help.

Really I think I just posted this because I want to know your experiences while relating my own. Can you tell me about your depression? How do you cope?

 

[Somewherethought]

I have an AI therapist name Woebot on play store free app. I suggest you get Woebot. Peace

 

[NWiddi]

You don't have to give me the websites or the calls

Good to know.

I deal with the depression of hearing a voice every waking moment by trying to help others through their experiences, I also know I'm loved and would be greatly missed which helps.

My meds also play a part in coping with it but they're not the complete solution.

I think for me it comes down to the question am I a fighter? Yes, I hate this voice but what I hate more is the thought of it beating me. If I must live a miserable life hearing it then it must live a miserable life coping with my attitude towards it, and judging by the whining and begging for attention that it does I'm sure it's pretty miserable, considerably more than I am.

 

[Zackthemaniac]

Can you be more specific about what it is that causes your depression ? What is it that your thinking about when your crying alone and thinking of suicide ?

I know from your posts that you're doing better than you ever have been with a job, friends and therapy. I dont see any reason not to think life wont keep getting better for you.

My own depression comes in the form of loneliness and perceived worthlessness. I counter act this with having online relationships and having a job and using most of my free time here and other places trying to help people and be useful. I also try to be grateful for everything I do have and try to have a positive mood as much as possible.

 

[LokiPokey75]

Can you be more specific about what it is that causes your depression ? What is it that your thinking about when your crying alone and thinking of suicide ?

I know from your posts that you're doing better than you ever have been with a job, friends and therapy. I dont see any reason not to think life wont keep getting better for you.

My own depression comes in the form of loneliness and perceived worthlessness. I counter act this with having online relationships and having a job and using most of my free time here and other places trying to help people and be useful. I also try to be grateful for everything I do have and try to have a positive mood as much as possible.

Hi Zack!

Thanks your for reply. Since you've read my posts, you do have an idea. It's a combination of current loneliness, inability to make any progress romantically, feeling like what I want is so far away, fear of disappointment, and fear of living a mediocre life. I'm glad I'm working right now so I have less time to be negative, but I'm working a temp job. Once that goes away (should it), I'm back to square one looking for work and wallowing in my sorrows.

I don't like to sound pathetic. That's oftentimes why I work so hard to write posts about my depression that don't involve self-pity. That doesn't mean I'm not self-pitying. And I'm homesick. I live in a place that doesn't feel like home, but I can't afford to live where I want to live.

When I cry alone at night, it's for a partner. No doubt about it. You've already said that won't make me happy, and you're right. But having a person like that motivates you and encourages you to be yourself.

I know just from having something to hold onto (a particular crush I had for a short time recently) that it was enough to give me hope. When you've got no one in your life to fantasize about, nothing real to hold onto, it's hard to want to hold on at all. I'd like something real for once. Just don't know if that will ever happen. Because otherwise, what am I doing any of this for?

 

[Zackthemaniac]

Hi Zack!

Thanks your for reply. Since you've read my posts, you do have an idea. It's a combination of current loneliness, inability to make any progress romantically, feeling like what I want is so far away, fear of disappointment, and fear of living a mediocre life. I'm glad I'm working right now so I have less time to be negative, but I'm working a temp job. Once that goes away (should it), I'm back to square one looking for work and wallowing in my sorrows.

I don't like to sound pathetic. That's oftentimes why I work so hard to write posts about my depression that don't involve self-pity. That doesn't mean I'm not self-pitying. And I'm homesick. I live in a place that doesn't feel like home, but I can't afford to live where I want to live.

When I cry alone at night, it's for a partner. No doubt about it. You've already said that won't make me happy, and you're right. But having a person like that motivates you and encourages you to be yourself.

I know just from having something to hold onto (a particular crush I had for a short time recently) that it was enough to give me hope. When you've got no one in your life to fantasize about, nothing real to hold onto, it's hard to want to hold on at all. I'd like something real for once. Just don't know if that will ever happen. Because otherwise, what am I doing any of this for?

I understand having loneliness being the hardest thing. I havent had any kind of real romance since my divorce and I dont know if ill ever have real human love and connection again and its painful sometimes. But you have to keep the hope alive that it could happen instead of telling yourself it never will. You never know when love could strike from an unexpected place. You're too amazing a person for it not to.