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My depressed partner is pushing me away - need support

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Charlierose

New member
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
3
My partner of three years has just broken up with me. The problem is, we’ve moved to his home country from mine where we were both living and I have no support network here at all. We haven’t even been here two months and he’s called it quits.
We’ve been planning this move for over a year, because he has been so unhappy and homesick where we were. He’s been unhappy with his job for a long time and whenever something stressful at work takes place (he went on stress leave a few months ago) he pushes me away and inevitably breaks up with me, blaming me for all his unhappiness. Am I really to blame? I’ve only ever tried to help and encourage him and make him happy.

He’s had a hard childhood and has some issues he needs to sort out regarding his parents, but when we went to counselling and this was bought up he dismissed it and won’t talk about it.

He recently started taking antidepressants but now wants to stop them because he says he’s not depressed but that it’s me who has been making him so very unhappy throughout our relationship.

Our relationship has never been perfect but we love each other so very much, and I’m struggling to recognise the cold and angry person he is being now.

He’s told me he will book me a flight home if that’s what I want to do and that he won’t be changing his mind. Please does anyone have any advice? I’m absolutely devastated, and can’t accept this is truly what he wants or whether this is his depression talking.
 
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Alfdodds

New member
Joined
Jul 11, 2016
Messages
3
Heya,

Sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, I seem to be on the other side. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety a few months ago but the problems i have been causing in my relationship have been going on for a lot longer.

My partner has been SO supportive of me and how I have been feeling but I constantly push him away all the time. I try to end things with him and tell him that I am too unhappy to continue the relationship, that I feel guilty bringing him down with me. All I know is that I love him very much, and deep down I don’t want to leave him despite everything I say to him. I’m sure if you asked him how I felt towards him he would say very similar to what you have said. Depression/anxiety is a horrible thing to deal with because you genuinely believe what your mind is telling you- I’ve accused my partner of all sorts when he has never done anything to hurt me.

Not sure if this is any help but coming from the other side, I imagine your partner really does love you, is feeling terrible about how he has affected the relationship and in his own way trying to save you from that. I know that I would be devastated if my partner took what I said seriously and things were really over. Is t worth talking to him about where his unhappiness is actually from? I know I blame my relationship when actually that isn’t the source at all.

I really hope things work out and you can get through to him. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job at being supportive- despite what he says, he really will appreciate deep down. X
 
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Charlierose

New member
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
3
Alfdodds, thanks you so so much for your response. I’m really struggling with all of this and it means the world to me to have any kind of support.

Everything you have said makes complete sense to me. I can see that he is totally overwhelmed and pushing me away but when I try to talk to him he refuses to open up or gets angry with me for pestering him.

We’ve spoken at length before about the source of his unhappiness and how his childhood has affected him, however now he refuses to acknowledge that This is the issue and instead says it’s because of me/our relationship.

I just want to help him as I can see he s struggling but the more I try the more he pushes me away. It’s heartbreaking.
 
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andrewreiki

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2018
Messages
19
He might have gotten into a place where it is a lot easier for him to blame you because he avoids blaming himself or maybe his past. Maybe does not accept that it is his fault for his unhappiness and it is easier to point the finger out at you. He knows that you love him and you can't hurt him, so there is nothing stopping him from making you responsible for what is happening to him.

In my opinion it will not help the relationship if you continue like this. He will comtinue to blame you and maybe it can get even worse. Try to spend less time with him if possible. Try to let him be by himself for a few days if you can. Go out when he comes home or stay in different rooms. I think the only way to realise you are actually helping him is to deprive him of you. I believe only then you will both know what to do. He might realise that he still feels bad without you and you will know what to do then. If he really feels better without you then there is no point in trying to improve the relationship between you. But I doubt this is the case. I think he needs you but he does not know it yet. You can't tell him that, you can only show it to him by letting him be alone and understand and accept that it is actually his fault and not anyone else's fault. Hope this makes sense.

Wish you all the good.
 
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Charlierose

New member
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
3
So, I’ve booked a flight back home today. I am absolutely devastated and can’t believe our relationship has come to this.

I feel so betrayed that he has turned his back on me like this, after promising me a future together.

I really hope me leaving will give him the wake up call he needs to get some help and acknowledge his part in this.

I’m so low. Please, can anyone offer me any words of encouragement?
 
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N1ghtwish1988

Active member
Joined
Oct 29, 2018
Messages
39
Location
West Midlands
Coming from the other side of this Depressed side I've pushed so many people away and its not easy not to do that, instead of facing up to what really caused the issue in the first place. For me now anything is a trigger i can go from really happy to really sad during the sad times i need my tablets, during the happy times i'm lovely to be around.

Problem is until he has no one he isn't going to face up to it and he has to admit he has a problem.

Only thing i can say is give it time, things may or may not change.
 
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andrewreiki

Member
Joined
Oct 2, 2018
Messages
19
So, I’ve booked a flight back home today. I am absolutely devastated and can’t believe our relationship has come to this.

I feel so betrayed that he has turned his back on me like this, after promising me a future together.

I really hope me leaving will give him the wake up call he needs to get some help and acknowledge his part in this.

I’m so low. Please, can anyone offer me any words of encouragement?
You need to understand that there was no happy future between you with him being like this. Only someone a bit sick at mind will want to stay with someone just for the sake of staying with him. And not taking into consideration the quality of experience that you would have staying together.

We are people and we change our minds often. It is hard to keep a promise like this. Maybe he will want you back, maybe not. But if you stay low like you say you are I don't think he will want you back in this condition. Promise yourself that you will not stay like this for too long. Being low is good sometimes, but too much of it is never good. And my advice is do not try to make contact with him. This can make things even worse. Just trust in the healing power of time for now. And do not stay like this for too long, I beg you to not let this be something negative in your life but rather a situation that can help you grow and learn new things that might help you out further in life.

Hope you get well, good thoughts from here.
 
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