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My depressed boyfriend dumped me does he come back?

K

Kim463

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Joined
Jul 1, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Iran
My boyfriend and I met 2 years ago (at the age of 21) and things were great between us. we loved each other so much and also planned to get married.

He had a very hard childhood. His father died when he was 11 because of cancer and since then he has been alone with his old mother. He doesn't have any brothers or sisters and his grandparents are so mean.

Last year doctors said that his mother has breast cancer (She's OK now). As she started the chemotherapy my bf had to take more responsibilities ( doing house job, taking his mom to hospital every day, supporting her, etc.)

Being under so much pressure, he didn't feel well and went to the therapy. later he was diagnosed with depression and started taking medication. He said he has lost himself and doesn't know what he wants in life. He couldn't even study anymore and had some problems at the university. He was always worried about the future and said that he doesn't know what he's gonna do. One day he wanted to be a psychologist, later he liked medicine or even computer science. Doesn't know even what he likes!

by the way I'm sure about his depression but he might also have bipolar or BPD too due to his mood swings, not being able to make a decision, changing ideas and sensitivity, not having a clear self image. not sure yet.

2 weeks ago he called me and said he needs some space (for 3 or 4 months) and then he said that he doesn't want a relationship anymore and that we can be just FRIENDS after 3 months. When I asked if this is a breakup he answered "maybe" and offered me to start a relationship with someone better than him in these 3 months.

When I asked the reason he said that being in a relationship is just a challenge for him now and he said your problems are also affecting me. ( I have a minor depression and anorexia as well, he was worried for me). He said that he likes to be with his friends and not me.

He also has told his friends not to talk to me and has cut all the communications. He told everyone that he has made his mind and doesn't want a relationship with me anymore but when I asked him he said "not sure"

I'm not sure if this was really a breakup or not, his words are full of paradox. I love him so much and can't imagine life without him. I'm really confused and hurt and don't know what to expect or what to do. I didn't leave him alone during his problems and
helped him so much but his behaviour was so cruel to me. I feel disrespected and unlovable and I think that if I didn't tell him about my own problems (although they weren't serious and promised to solve them) he wouldn't do this.

The thing is that I love him so much and can never move on. I will wait my whole life for him to get back. But does he still love me too? Does he come back if he gets better or prefer to start a new relationship? I'm so worried because of this. He loved me so much but the last day he was like a stranger to me, telling me that we don't have much things in common just because I prefer loneliness than being in a group all the time- anyway I had accepted to do so because of him.
Plus I don't think he would get better in a short time as he has got even worse since last year.
I'm blaming myself and I don't know what happens next. Help me please ☹
 
A

Aurelius

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Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
597
Welcome to the forum Kim463. I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Clearly, life has been tough for both of you for quite awhile now and you will not be at your strongest.

Sadly, there are no easy answers to your questions or your situation. From everything you say it does seem that your boyfriend is no longer as committed to the relationship as you are. This could be a result of the types of traumatic circumstances he has been through. Often when people go through very challenging circumstances the way they feel about their life changes - including their feelings about what is important and what level of commitment they feel able/willing to make. - For example, your boyfriend's capacity or wish to make a deep commitment to someone else may be exhausted by the demands of the commitment he made to his mother. Going out and having fun and engaging in a life without commitments may be the 'recovery' route he has chosen to follow for now.

It sounds as if you also need to find a 'recovery' route, as how your boyfriend will move forward in his life seems unpredictable at present. You might need to take time to discover who you now are, as it is unlikely (after all that you have been through) that you are still the same person you were two years ago.

Two key questions that are probably very hard to explore right now, are whether you would be able or willing to continue the relationship at some later date as 'just friends' and whether you could cope if he started a 'full on' relationship with someone else?

There is also a chance that the person who has emerged is no longer the same person you first met and fell in love with. As much as you might want that person back as they once were, the changes life has made may only allow glimpses of that person to return (at least for awhile).

Your chances of coping well with such challenges will be greatly enhanced if you can move forward positively in developing who you now are and in rebuilding your inner strength and resilience.

A first step is to acknowledge and accept that you are not to blame for the tragic events in your boyfriend's life.

A second step is to acknowledge and accept that you provided him with the support he needed when he needed it most, including accepting the anger his life was full of at times.

A third step is to recognise and accept that part of your relationship carried a burden of pain from external circumstances and that this burden may or may not get in the way of your boyfriend wishing to re-engage in a deep relationship with you. What you must not do is continue to carry this burden of pain yourself, as it will stop you from moving forward in building a healthy and positive new life.
 
P

Purpleplum

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Yes, it is a breakup. Anyone saying they want a break or that you can date someone else is a breakup.

Also, someone with his problems can't give to anyone until they fix themselves. All their energy needs to focus on themselves.
 
MildlyIrritated

MildlyIrritated

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Joined
May 14, 2021
Messages
84
Location
South America.
I'm going to say a few things here that may come as harsh, I hope they don't offend you.

First, you mention suffering from minor depression and anorexia. Those are two very different degrees of issues, anorexia is often a massive, even life threatening deal.

Second of all, a lot of what you write makes this relationship seem extremely unhealthy, specially for you.

He has his issues and given what he has been through that's more than understandable but this that you wrote right here is a massive, massive warning in any relationship:

I didn't leave him alone during his problems and
helped him so much but his behaviour was so cruel to me. I feel disrespected and unlovable and I think that if I didn't tell him about my own problems (although they weren't serious and promised to solve them) he wouldn't do this.
If anyone I ever knew told me anything like this about their relationship, I would tell them to end it immediately.

Romantic relationships are supposed to be multilateral, two sides, give and take, not just one person doing all the giving and the other not answering in kind, or even worse as you with cruelty.

Also, the fact that you seem to be blaming yourself for doing something so basic in a relationship, sharing your own struggles and expecting some form of support or understanding, makes it very clear you don't really understand how a healthy relationship should work.

It's not about you doing anything and everything to please, help and keep him happy. He had to give and sacrifice something back too and I'm kind of guessing he didn't.


The thing is that I love him so much and can never move on. I will wait my whole life for him to get back.
I'm a bit older than you and all I can say I 100% understand how you feel, I've been there, I've known many people who've felt the same. It's still not really true, this isn't really love, it's emotional dependency (feel free to look that up) towards a very unhealthy person that doesn't seem to care about you.

You don't love him, you love an idea you've built in your head about him, that's disconnected from the reality.

Cheers and best of luck.
 
K

Kim463

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Iran
I'm going to say a few things here that may come as harsh, I hope they don't offend you.

First, you mention suffering from minor depression and anorexia. Those are two very different degrees of issues, anorexia is often a massive, even life threatening deal.

Second of all, a lot of what you write makes this relationship seem extremely unhealthy, specially for you.

He has his issues and given what he has been through that's more than understandable but this that you wrote right here is a massive, massive warning in any relationship:



If anyone I ever knew told me anything like this about their relationship, I would tell them to end it immediately.

Romantic relationships are supposed to be multilateral, two sides, give and take, not just one person doing all the giving and the other not answering in kind, or even worse as you with cruelty.

Also, the fact that you seem to be blaming yourself for doing something so basic in a relationship, sharing your own struggles and expecting some form of support or understanding, makes it very clear you don't really understand how a healthy relationship should work.

It's not about you doing anything and everything to please, help and keep him happy. He had to give and sacrifice something back too and I'm kind of guessing he didn't.




I'm a bit older than you and all I can say I 100% understand how you feel, I've been there, I've known many people who've felt the same. It's still not really true, this isn't really love, it's emotional dependency (feel free to look that up) towards a very unhealthy person that doesn't seem to care about you.

You don't love him, you love an idea you've built in your head about him, that's disconnected from the reality.

Cheers and best of luck.
Thanks for replying!
Actually he really supported me and cared about me before he got worse. When we first met I was a mess and he was a sweet & nice guy who helped me through it. Now I'm fine and I wanted to support him to get better. By anorexia I mean decreased appetite because of anxiety, but I still eat about 1000 calories per day. I'm getting better both mentally and physically and I promised him to solve all the problems and to be more social.
He saw my improvement but finished the relationship instead of just taking a break. So was it really my problem? 3 days before our breakup he was telling me that he loves me so much and that he'll always be with me. So what happened exactly?
Even if he had made his mind and that was a breakup he shouldn't have promised to stay 3 days before. I think he made this decision in his lowest so it might change. I can never believe this and wait for that sweet and caring guy I met to come back 😢
 
K

Kim463

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Iran
Yes, it is a breakup. Anyone saying they want a break or that you can date someone else is a breakup.

Also, someone with his problems can't give to anyone until they fix themselves. All their energy needs to focus on themselves.
expand...
Thanks for replying!
Actually he really supported me and cared about me before he got worse. When we first met I was a mess and he was a sweet & nice guy who helped me through it. Now I'm fine and I wanted to support him to get better. By anorexia I mean decreased appetite because of anxiety, but I still eat about 1000 calories per day. I'm getting better both mentally and physically and I promised him to solve all the problems and to be more social.
He saw my improvement but finished the relationship instead of just taking a break. So was it really my problem? 3 days before our breakup he was telling me that he loves me so much and that he'll always be with me. So what happened exactly?
Even if he had made his mind and that was a breakup he shouldn't have promised to stay 3 days before. I think he made this decision in his lowest so it might change. I can never believe this and wait for that sweet and caring guy I met to come back 😢
 
K

Kim463

New member
Joined
Jul 1, 2021
Messages
4
Location
Iran
Welcome to the forum Kim463. I am sorry that you are going through all of this. Clearly, life has been tough for both of you for quite awhile now and you will not be at your strongest.

Sadly, there are no easy answers to your questions or your situation. From everything you say it does seem that your boyfriend is no longer as committed to the relationship as you are. This could be a result of the types of traumatic circumstances he has been through. Often when people go through very challenging circumstances the way they feel about their life changes - including their feelings about what is important and what level of commitment they feel able/willing to make. - For example, your boyfriend's capacity or wish to make a deep commitment to someone else may be exhausted by the demands of the commitment he made to his mother. Going out and having fun and engaging in a life without commitments may be the 'recovery' route he has chosen to follow for now.

It sounds as if you also need to find a 'recovery' route, as how your boyfriend will move forward in his life seems unpredictable at present. You might need to take time to discover who you now are, as it is unlikely (after all that you have been through) that you are still the same person you were two years ago.

Two key questions that are probably very hard to explore right now, are whether you would be able or willing to continue the relationship at some later date as 'just friends' and whether you could cope if he started a 'full on' relationship with someone else?

There is also a chance that the person who has emerged is no longer the same person you first met and fell in love with. As much as you might want that person back as they once were, the changes life has made may only allow glimpses of that person to return (at least for awhile).

Your chances of coping well with such challenges will be greatly enhanced if you can move forward positively in developing who you now are and in rebuilding your inner strength and resilience.

A first step is to acknowledge and accept that you are not to blame for the tragic events in your boyfriend's life.

A second step is to acknowledge and accept that you provided him with the support he needed when he needed it most, including accepting the anger his life was full of at times.

A third step is to recognise and accept that part of your relationship carried a burden of pain from external circumstances and that this burden may or may not get in the way of your boyfriend wishing to re-engage in a deep relationship with you. What you must not do is continue to carry this burden of pain yourself, as it will stop you from moving forward in building a healthy and positive new life.
Thanks for replying!
Actually he really supported me and cared about me before he got worse. When we first met I was a mess and he was a sweet & nice guy who helped me through it. Now I'm fine and I wanted to support him to get better. By anorexia I mean decreased appetite because of anxiety, but I still eat about 1000 calories per day. I'm getting better both mentally and physically and I promised him to solve all the problems and to be more social.
He saw my improvement but finished the relationship instead of just taking a break. So was it really my problem? 3 days before our breakup he was telling me that he loves me so much and that he'll always be with me. So what happened exactly?
Even if he had made his mind and that was a breakup he shouldn't have promised to stay 3 days before. I think he made this decision in his lowest so it might change. I can never believe this and wait for that sweet and caring guy I met to come back 😢
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
2,295
Location
nowhere
He saw my improvement but finished the relationship instead of just taking a break. So was it really my problem? 3 days before our breakup he was telling me that he loves me so much and that he'll always be with me. So what happened exactly?
Even if he had made his mind and that was a breakup he shouldn't have promised to stay 3 days before. I think he made this decision in his lowest so it might change. I can never believe this and wait for that sweet and caring guy I met to come back 😢
The sweet caring guy won't come back....they never do. Women have waited endlessly for that when a guy leaves...don't waste your time.

Was it your problem? No. It was a problem with what he was needing vs. what you were needing.

Why was he telling you he loved you? He did love you when he was saying it or he thought it was what you wanted to hear. Either way, it doesn't matter because he can't maintain the relationship.

Stop focusing on him and focus on you. Eating 1000 calories isn't enough. Work on getting your health back before thinking about any relationship.
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
597
Kim463 you have suffered a loss - you have lost the world as it was and the person you once thought your boyfriend was. When we suffer painful losses wanting the 'world to be as it was' and 'people to be who they once were' is a normal and natural reaction. In life we cannot go back in time. Things and people change, including ourselves, and we have to learn to adapt to those changes if we wish to move forward with our lives. Sometimes we are comfortable with changes and sometimes not.

At the moment you are finding the changes in your life distressing, as you have not yet found a way to cope with them or found a signpost forward. If you can find the willingness in yourself to accept the changes that have happened, it will in time become easier to cope and find your direction in life again. It may be, but it sounds highly unlikely, that whatever new directions you and your ex-boyfriend's lives take, they may meet up again. But if you do meet up it will be as very different people to the people who once met. There is no Dr Who or tardis to take you both back in time!!
 
A

Aurelius

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 14, 2018
Messages
597
Apologies. As you are in Iran Dr Who and the tardis are not something you might make a connection with. So what I was trying to say was:

There is no time machine to take you both back in time to where you once were. So, my advice is to 'use the most positive things you learnt about yourself in the relationship' and the 'most joyful memories you have' as a foundation for developing the person you will be on the next stage of your journey through life.
 
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