My dad has now caused me to get anxiety attacks

[Msy]

Im at breaking point with him

When i graduated he told me that "he could have gotten a degree if he wanted to"

When i got a promotion he told me that "he did better than me with work" (he hasnt had a job in over 20 years and even when he worked he was always getting fired)

A cousin i wasnt close to commited suicide a few years ago. My cousins mother (my dads sister) was always pretty awful to my cousin but took the buscuit after he died by:
- claiming my cousin didnt have a son to gain ownership of his house
- accuse my cousins fiance in court of causing him to do it
- lied about telling him she wished she had an abortion a little time before it happened
-wrote to a local newspaper saying how close they were and to donate to some charity page she was running but no one knows where the funds are
-got his kids mum fired from work by going in drunk and causing a scene

(The list goes on but id be here forever and she isnt the point anyway)

Tbh she was disgusting. We all understood she was grieving but she completely made a mockery out of the whole situation.

She berated my dad and anyone else who told her she was wronf and my dad wanted me to stick up for him. So i did.

To this day i still get the occasional nasty message off her, not that she gets a reply and my dad has made up with her and is happily letting her name call me.

He now tells me i shouldnt have said anythint even though he did because she was upset (she did stuff like this before but i never denied it was going to hurt her and absolutely would never wish that on anyone)
So now i guess i kinda feel guilty for that too until one of the messages pop up again.

Hes spent the last year on twitter calling the pandemic a hoax and making racist remarks.
He lies about his life and what hes doing on there too.

He also outed my depression on there too. A thing i told him i dont like being in a public place with my name atached (we have a really uncommon last name too so its not like i could pretend we werent related if anyone saw it)

My brother refuses to talk to him since four months ago and since then hes laid it on me like i should fix it. When i tell him its not my business he accuses me of not caring and cant understand why my brother is acting that way when in actuality hes said nastier hings to him than he has me so i cant blame him for not wanting to speak to him.

He brought up the situation with my brother again with me the other day and i completely lost it.

Im thinking of cutting ties because im now getting anxiety attacks when i get off the phone with him and hes exacerbating my depression. I keep thinking about how he doesnt want to listen and its making me really upset.

Everytime i tell him enough is enough he guilt trips me to speak to him again.

I know i need to cut him off but i dont know how to do it when hes like that.

 

[OmniscientNihilist]

if your dad has low self esteem then he will be constantly defensive.

even narcissism is a defense. its a pre-emptive attack to bring others down before they have a chance to "attack"

you can switch to talking only on text messages. then it gives you more control.

 

[PureDevo]

I'm sorry to hear your family is causing you such stress... I personally had to cut ties with them because they were really toxic for me. You have to think about yourself now. Maybe you won't cut them forever and later on in life things will be different, no one knows.. What you know his that you don't deserve to be in this position and if cutting them would help with your anxiety, maybe you should do so! Hang in there! You can message me if you want to talk!

 

[TomorrowTimesThree]

Hey Msy,
Hope you're doing alright.
I know family stuff can be a nightmare. Especially with dads.
But I think you and your health has to come first, ya know? And your dad can either be on that team and be supportive, or perhaps you let him know you just can't talk/see him that much. Not in a passive aggressive way or anything, but just letting him know calmy. I think that maybe it can really be that simple (for now).

Like instead of having to make a decision now about whether or not you have to cut him out forever. Just tell him that's your plan. Next time he gives you a panic attack? Sorry bucko, I can't see you now for week or whatever. But maybe we can talk then!

Just a thought, no idea if that will work for you and your dad. And if so, let me know, and maybe we can come up with a plan together?

 

[Msy]

if your dad has low self esteem then he will be constantly defensive.

even narcissism is a defense. its a pre-emptive attack to bring others down before they have a chance to "attack"

you can switch to talking only on text messages. then it gives you more control.

Text messages is a good idea! I havent tried that

 

[Msy]

Hey Msy,
Hope you're doing alright.
I know family stuff can be a nightmare. Especially with dads.
But I think you and your health has to come first, ya know? And your dad can either be on that team and be supportive, or perhaps you let him know you just can't talk/see him that much. Not in a passive aggressive way or anything, but just letting him know calmy. I think that maybe it can really be that simple (for now).

Like instead of having to make a decision now about whether or not you have to cut him out forever. Just tell him that's your plan. Next time he gives you a panic attack? Sorry bucko, I can't see you now for week or whatever. But maybe we can talk then!

Just a thought, no idea if that will work for you and your dad. And if so, let me know, and maybe we can come up with a plan together?

Good point. I dont have to make a solid decision like that i suppose i can just see how HE gets on with it