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My constant need for validation is taking me down a dark path

K

kimura89

New member
Joined
Nov 26, 2020
Messages
4
Location
Australia
Firstly if anyone takes the time to read all of this, I really appreciate it. As I don’t have anyone to really confide it about this.

This is something I’ve struggled with seemingly forever, and seems to just get worse as I get older (I’m almost 32). I have this ‘obsession’ for lack of a better term, with being considered a physically attractive guy. It stems, I believe from being bullied for my looks during my high school years - for context I had glasses, braces, acne and was 120lbs soaking wet. A bullies dream. I think that, combined with having this image of myself and who I want to be or turn out like, anything that veers away from that or challenges that sends me into a pit of depression, anxiety and general despair.

I’ve since grown out of what I looked like in high school and even though there’s enough evidence to the contrary - I’ve had relationships in the past, women interested in me, been called attractive, can get dates fairly easily. There’s this massive itch that tells me I’m ugly that can’t be scratched. A better analogy would probably be that it’s like an energy meter - positive interactions with the opposite sex fill it slowly, but if I don’t get that validation it drains very quickly along with my mental health.

It sounds ridiculous, but even something as simple as general eye contact with women can make or break my day. I work in the city for my job, on my lunch break or grabbing a coffee I’ll now and then catch prolonged eye contact with a woman or catch them stealing a glance or two. When it does happen it feels great, like a hit from a drug. If it doesn’t I’ll feel like shit, and convince myself that no ones looking at me because I’m ugly or average looking . It’s almost like chasing a high, I feel crazy just typing that out.

I don’t know what to do really, but I don’t see a way out of this mindset as it just seems to be getting worse and worse.
 
jajingna

jajingna

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
6,099
Location
Canada
Sounds like you're still carrying wounds from your teenage years. God damn bullies, they just make the world a worse place. I never got bullied, was a keep to myself sort with social anxiety running the show, and I never concerned myself much with how I look. Anyway, you're a grownup now, and it doesn't sound like you have too much trouble attracting a woman. That's a good thing, you might feel good about that. Good looks are nice, but only go so far anyway, and can never replace decency. I dunno, guess we got some confidence work to do, can only do much about the looks.
 
D

Deleted member 91323

Guest
It is difficult to go through being bullied for the way we look. I can understand why you look for validation because you have been told many times you are not attractive. I do not know how to break this habit but I can relate.
 
P

Purpleplum

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 7, 2020
Messages
2,295
Location
nowhere
You get positive reinforcement from your looks now when people look at you which raises endorphins and makes you feel good. If you don't get those looks from people, then no endorphins. Endorphins can act just like drugs...they can be addicting.

If you had a better sense of yourself--no matter if you got looked at or not--you wouldn't need to rely on those. It has to come from you....how you feel about yourself and about your looks and not matter to you what other's reactions are. We can't control others...but we can control ourselves.
 
D

Debaura500

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 10, 2020
Messages
321
Location
London
Firstly if anyone takes the time to read all of this, I really appreciate it. As I don’t have anyone to really confide it about this.

This is something I’ve struggled with seemingly forever, and seems to just get worse as I get older (I’m almost 32). I have this ‘obsession’ for lack of a better term, with being considered a physically attractive guy. It stems, I believe from being bullied for my looks during my high school years - for context I had glasses, braces, acne and was 120lbs soaking wet. A bullies dream. I think that, combined with having this image of myself and who I want to be or turn out like, anything that veers away from that or challenges that sends me into a pit of depression, anxiety and general despair.

I’ve since grown out of what I looked like in high school and even though there’s enough evidence to the contrary - I’ve had relationships in the past, women interested in me, been called attractive, can get dates fairly easily. There’s this massive itch that tells me I’m ugly that can’t be scratched. A better analogy would probably be that it’s like an energy meter - positive interactions with the opposite sex fill it slowly, but if I don’t get that validation it drains very quickly along with my mental health.

It sounds ridiculous, but even something as simple as general eye contact with women can make or break my day. I work in the city for my job, on my lunch break or grabbing a coffee I’ll now and then catch prolonged eye contact with a woman or catch them stealing a glance or two. When it does happen it feels great, like a hit from a drug. If it doesn’t I’ll feel like shit, and convince myself that no ones looking at me because I’m ugly or average looking . It’s almost like chasing a high, I feel crazy just typing that out.

I don’t know what to do really, but I don’t see a way out of this mindset as it just seems to be getting worse and worse.
 
D

Debaura500

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Nov 10, 2020
Messages
321
Location
London
It happens just like you described to most people
 
A

Am33

ACCOUNT CLOSED
Joined
Sep 28, 2020
Messages
382
Location
Fiji
Seeking validation from people is a ego game I've learned . Our egos can never get enough of anything not keeping it in check just causes us pain being on a emotional rollercoaster . I 've read the key to overcome the ego is to be balanced , mindful and try to think and communicate through the heart .
 
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