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My BPD could be ruining my life

J

Johners94

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Brecon
Hi all,

So I'll try to keep this as brief as I can. I've been really struggling with anxiety and depression lately, and I hope someone can offer some advice, so here goes:

I lost my mother 2 years ago. She passed suddenly, and although I could deal with things at the time, now life's getting harder and I really miss her. I also took a personality test earlier this year, along with my father. His results came back negative, but they're saying I'm borderline personality disorder.

I've been a serious jazz and blues musician since leaving high school. I've been playing on my local scene for years, and have met and worked with some really cool people. However, since I started a recording project, and moved away from my father, I've started to really struggle emotionally. I'm now falling out with people I've known for years, there's nasty rumours, hearsay and gossip being spread around by people on this little music scene and I feel lost and worthless. My only friends are my sis and her bf, and an ex gf who usually only turns up when she needs something. I feel extremely paranoid and like I'm the bad guy, although my father insists I've done nothing wrong. I'm struggling to get out of bed in the mornings and I'm drinking too much in the evenings. I'm terrified of death and dying, and am paranoid I'm going to become terminally ill.

I feel like people are being really insensitive to my mental state, and I struggle to make friends or even speak to people. Most people show more sympathy for my dad because he lost his wife, and treat me with little to no respect. I have little to no interest in women or sex anymore, and I feel too worthless to even speak to people.

Does anyone on here have any advice, or can relate?
 
H

Helena1

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So you are diagnosed with BPD? Are you waiting for therapy?
 
J

Johners94

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Brecon
I haven't been diagnosed, I am going to see a doctor next week. I took an online test my father showed me.
 
Passionflower

Passionflower

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Jul 15, 2011
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Online tests are notoriously unreliable. You should wait to see a psychiatrist for a definitive answer.
 
TulipIceCream

TulipIceCream

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Sep 5, 2019
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On The Train
Hi Johners, first, I am sorry about your mother. :( I don't know if you have BPD but it seems like you are very affected by her death still, which is completely normal. You are paranoid that you will die, depressed, drinking, lack of interest. That could be grief or depression too. Personality disorders are more lifelong patterns of maladaptive behavior. It's great that you are going to see a psychiatrist soon. I hope you get the proper diagnosis and start feeling better soon!
 
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thisisnotmylife

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Joined
Nov 13, 2019
Messages
49
Location
UK
it could be that you are acting in a way that you are not aware of as you are falling out with people. I can relate to this because ive just been though it. my dad died 2 years ago and I had to sort everything out when that happened. at the time i took it exceptionally well but it must have contributed to my illness in hindsight. Hindsight is a great thing. I would recommend you get help as soon as you can. I was a blues musician too as well as violin but ive not played since before my latest breakdown. keep playing as it keeps us grounded, wishing you the best
 
J

Johners94

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Brecon
it could be that you are acting in a way that you are not aware of as you are falling out with people. I can relate to this because ive just been though it. my dad died 2 years ago and I had to sort everything out when that happened. at the time i took it exceptionally well but it must have contributed to my illness in hindsight. Hindsight is a great thing. I would recommend you get help as soon as you can. I was a blues musician too as well as violin but ive not played since before my latest breakdown. keep playing as it keeps us grounded, wishing you the best
Hi mate, thank you so much for replying.

I get what you mean about acting in a way I'm unaware of. But my father, my sister and my sister's bf were present on this one occasion when it all kicked off, and they are all saying I did nothing wrong. In the past, if my father thought I was out of line, he'd say something.

I try to keep practicing my guitar, which does make me feel better, but the hate messages are coming in from people everyday. I'm scared to get out of bed in the morning because of the mountain of shit that seems to be falling from the sky atm.
 
J

Johners94

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Brecon
Hi Johners, first, I am sorry about your mother. :( I don't know if you have BPD but it seems like you are very affected by her death still, which is completely normal. You are paranoid that you will die, depressed, drinking, lack of interest. That could be grief or depression too. Personality disorders are more lifelong patterns of maladaptive behavior. It's great that you are going to see a psychiatrist soon. I hope you get the proper diagnosis and start feeling better soon!
Hi TulipIceCream, thanks for your nice message. It's been awhile since anyone said anything supportive to me.
 
T

thisisnotmylife

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Nov 13, 2019
Messages
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UK
it seems these hate messages are really affecting you the most, are they directed to you? as in sent directly to you? in my case I thought I was being gangstalked online but truth is I was looking for it and it drove me crazy into hospital
 
J

Johners94

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Brecon
it seems these hate messages are really affecting you the most, are they directed to you? as in sent directly to you? in my case I thought I was being gangstalked online but truth is I was looking for it and it drove me crazy into hospital
Hi mate sorry for the slow reply.

It's hard when you've hard to achieve something but rumours, gossip and other forms of fallout are ruining your reputation. I have had some nasty messages from people I've known for years, and I don't know what I've done wrong. My father doesn't think I've done anything wrong either, but the worry is making me physically sick.
 
Zig Zag

Zig Zag

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Mar 29, 2019
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248
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Milton Keynes
Hi Johners94 First you deserve my full respect as a jazz musician I adore jazz music What I would suggest to you turn off the Messenger or whatever you use on the media you can always go on it maybe when you are feeling brighter.Please keep playing your music there can never be enough jazz in the world. :havingfun:
 
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thisisnotmylife

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Nov 13, 2019
Messages
49
Location
UK
if you let these messages rule your life then this will beat you and things will get worse, I can't imagine what you are being accused of and why and don't want to pry but things can quickly snowball, please be careful they dont. ive just lost everything ive worked for through shit that didn't even exist so I'm speaking from experience
 
J

Johners94

Member
Joined
Nov 22, 2019
Messages
7
Location
Brecon
if you let these messages rule your life then this will beat you and things will get worse, I can't imagine what you are being accused of and why and don't want to pry but things can quickly snowball, please be careful they dont. ive just lost everything ive worked for through shit that didn't even exist so I'm speaking from experience
I'm very sorry you've lost all you've worked for. Thanks for your advice and all the best.
 
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