My boyfriends depression has become worse and now he’s acting mean?

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

I’m going to try and make this short but there’s a lot I need to say so I appreciate it if you do read all of it.

When I first met my boyfriend he told me he had depression but was on antidepressants. He seemed depressed but coping. Fast forward to July this year and he stops taking them for unknown reasons (won’t tell me why) he got pretty depressed for like a month . Went a whole weekend without really talking to me. I’d message him asking if he was alright etc, say goodnight. He would respond but one word answers. It absolutely destroyed me because I felt like I was losing him. I managed to get him to open up and he said something like “I’m just constantly in pain” meaning emotional pain and said he didn’t want to drag anyone down with him. He then posted a load of rubbish on Snapchat like “fuck you” (this is to everyone not me) to “piss people off” I managed to get him talking again and after promising to go cycling with him (he wanted to start again) he seem to “cheer up”.

He came out of it a bit after that but things were still bad. He didn’t say I love to me (first, he would say it back) for a month. This again destroyed me. Then we went out for his sisters birthday and it was like a switch was flipped. He was the happiest I had seen him, so loving and affectionate. We were really happy for about a month. Then November things stated to go down hill again. He has slowly become more withdrawn. It’s even worse this time. He doesn’t tell me he loves me anymore, since last week he doesn’t seem to want to cuddle, or kiss me. I try to make conversation with him and I just get “hmm Urm” a lot of the time. We go upstairs to watch tv and he just lies facing away from me. I ask him if he is ok but he just says he’s fine. He will have patches where he ignores my messages but also patches where he suddenly seems ok both in person and away. He also just seems angry, everything stresses him out and he’s become aggressive (not towards me just things like if there is something in the way he will throw it rather than move it calmly)

The thing that hurts the most though is he has become mean towards me. We have always had a banter filled relationship, and I can take a joke. Often laughing even if it’s about me because I can tell it’s banter. However recently it feels more like he’s just picking on me. I just get insulted all the time and half the time it’s just childish things. For example I’ll say “it’s cold in here” and he’ll go “you’re cold” (he will do this with anything a few examples are “you’re a pole” after mentioning a pole and “you’re a fridge” after mentioning a fridge or sometimes they can be nice like “you’re great”) but then he can take it further. I can’t even think of examples because tbh I don’t care what he says it’s more why he’s saying it. Sometimes it’s straight up insults though. Or I’ll say something like I don’t understand something and he’ll roll his eyes which makes me feel stupid. I think half of it’s done out of banter and he doesn’t get it hurts me and the other half is spite?

I’m just feeling very confused because he can be so lovely and sweet but recently he’s just been horrible. He was like this a few months back too (when he was last very depressed) and I actually realised I wasn’t being very nice to him myself so sorted my self out, and he improved so I thought it was him just retaliating. Guess it was a coincidence. It’s not just me he insults either he will insult his own family members, my family, random people on tv. I can sorta relate because I used to be like this. Just hated everyone, bullied everyone and then suddenly they all left me and I realised I loved them and treated them terribly because I hated myself.

anyway he started his antidepressants again Christmas Eve but seems worse since then? He lives with his grandparents (he’s 23 I’m 21) and they are really concerned. He hardly talks to them. Recently he has just been sleeping a lot too. He also talks about suicide and self harm a lot. We both have alcoholic mums and he was neglected and abused as a kid (not sure the extent he won’t talk about it just said his step dad was abusive and his grandparents adopted him when he was 10) I was also abused and neglected by my mum when she drank so have, anxiety, depression and ocd. He’s generally a very detached person as well, very little friends. Doesn’t know how to express himself. Like if I’m upset he doesn’t know what to say. However as I’ve learnt to read him I’ve learnt other ways he expresses how he cares.

There is probably a lot more I could write but that’s the main things. I’m just feeling lost and confused atm and I’m not sure what to do. He’s my best friend and I love him to pieces but it’s like who he was is gone. I look into his eyes and just see emptiness. I can’t help but feel unloved and unwanted. I’m really scared to talk to anyone in real life about this because I feel like the immediate reaction will be “leave him” which I don’t want to do, not at this point anyway.

 

[OmniscientNihilist]

if hes going from depressed to overly happy it could be bipolar

bipolar can also reduce the emotions and ability to relate to others so it can make someone more anti-social

if meds are doing nothing at all then talk to doctor about removing or changing them

you can continue to treat him well even though he is not treating you back. we need to treat others well even if they are bad for our own self-esteem. but at the same time set boundaries. for example dont keep lending money to someone who is not returning it. but continue to treat them with kindness because kindness is free and makes everyone better.

let him have his own feelings and his own reality and you can have yours. when people are depressed they may need to do everything more slowly. you can continue to do your own things and not enable any self destructive behavior he may have. support him in positive things and getting better but not self destruction.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

Thank you for your reply. I have thought he could possibly be bipolar but I think he “switches” to often to be bipolar judging by what I’ve read. I also think he could possibly have OCD as he seems to get intrusive violent thoughts and thinks he’s a bad person because of it. I put my head against his the other day and he suddenly got stressed. When I asked why he was like “I suddenly got the thought to head butt you, what’s wrong with me” I then had a discussion with him about intrusive thoughts, and he seemed kinda surprised when I admitted I have the same kind of thoughts he does and I told him that it’s not who he is. Obviously I can’t diagnose him though, this is just what I have noticed.

he’s also made jokes about hearing voices before, I honestly think they are just jokes but it’s a little concerning. The other day he was pretending he could see a man standing near the bed and when I got concerned he just laughed and played it off as a prank saying he was a good actor. Except the whole thing freaked me out.

 

[MouthyOne]

I'm sorry to hear about this. Sounds a hard situation and you need to look after yourself first. You seem to have a way of coping from what I can read into your post however dealing with someone with depression can be very draining.

Being back on the ADs can take a few weeks to build into the system again so it's not unusual for things to be worse as the tablets kick in.

Please advise him not to come off the pills on his own again and if he thinks about doing it again he would be wise to speak to a doctor.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

Thanks, I’m trying to cope but it’s honestly hard. Because of my ocd I obssses endlessly over stuff and can’t stop thinking about it. As I said he lives with his grandparents. I sent a message to his gran telling her what’s going on. It’s kind of comforting hearing she’s worried too. I wish I could talk to her more about it because she helps but I don’t want to be intrusive.

 

[celticlass]

Thanks, I’m trying to cope but it’s honestly hard. Because of my ocd I obssses endlessly over stuff and can’t stop thinking about it. As I said he lives with his grandparents. I sent a message to his gran telling her what’s going on. It’s kind of comforting hearing she’s worried too. I wish I could talk to her more about it because she helps but I don’t want to be intrusive.

I think it would be a very good idea to discretely keep in touch with his gran really. The two of you are both observing what is happening here. I wonder if his gran could advise the GP practice of what she feels about the situation. They wont share his info but they can listen. Care needs to be taken as he re-establishes himself on the medication, because as he starts to feel better he may become just a wee bit more active and able to act on his impulses. So that means be extra careful for a few weeks. Most importantly you must not become sick worrying about him. your health first.

 

[BoringBoris]

I agree, he does sound bi-polar. Do you think he’d be receptive to getting a medical evaluation?
Some anti depressives can make bi-polars much worse, so this could be important.
Stopping anti-depressives on your own can least to episodes of irrational anger too, so...there’s that...

Having a relationship with someone who has a mood disorder CAN be done, but he’ll need an accurate diagnosis and a good doctor,and YOU’LL need to understand what’s going on and ALOT of patience.

good luck

 

[Tawny]

I have bipolar depression and i am far from mean when depressed. Maybe this chart will help you.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

I have been doing a bit of research the last couple hours on bipolar and I’m actually starting to think that could be it. Just some things stand out like mania causes increased sex drive which was definitely happening around that time. He was also spending a lot. We redecorated his room and he spent literally £2300 on a new tv. I told him he didn’t need to spend that much but he did. He also took out a loan for carpets and never got carpets...and that money seems to of disappeared.

I’m just not sure how he would take to me saying he has bi-polar. I’m guessing he would probably think I’m trying to say he’s crazy.

 

[MouthyOne]

Could be however it's best not to label or pin bi-polar onto your boyfriend.

Does he want help and/or would he agree to an evaluation? He needs to want the help first I would suggest.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

I’m not sure if he would agree tbh. He did mentioning going back to counselling so I guess he does want some help.

 

[BoringBoris]

That’s a tough one Saphirepenguin9900. For my wife, it took involuntary hospitalization (suicidal) before she had to accept it.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

Yeah I’m not sure where to go from here tbh, kinda feel like I’ve hit a dead end. I’m just hoping in a few weeks time his medication starts to kick in and there might be some improvement.

I will try and stay in touch with his gran but I’m not sure there is a whole lot I can say?

 

[ntd92]

This sounds a lot like what I experience on a constant basis, I'm a little more self aware of it but it certainly takes me a lot of time to go through my mind.
My girlfriend struggles with the same kinds of things you do, when it comes to dealing with me.
I don't take medication myself but I feel like my mood changes quite frequently depending on the situation or things that might be said. I'm very introverted and it feels like it constantly gets worse, I will lock myself in my room and lay in bed for the whole day, put off everything and not talk to my girlfriend despite her trying her best to help me when I am like this I take everything as a threat for some reason and I can't fight it, I perceive good intentions of caring affection as an irritant such questions as how're you doing, what are you doing, where are you going.

Really any personal questions will trigger it and I think that comes down to being where I am in my head that it increases my irritability to those questions, I always joke with my girlfriend but I can see when it starts to become personal attacks against her because my mind is going into defense mode kinda like leave my alone, you don't understand, ect.

I struggled as a child because of personal problems with my family, my father being very abusive and beating my self confidence down to nothing and I think that carries over. I don't know if your boyfriend has any of those past traumatic events in his life.

I know that it won't be easy, and it's going to be a hard journey with your boyfriend. But continue to be supportive and offer him that help but take it slow and try to be as understanding as you can because you can't force help on someone they will have to accept it, Unless he truly begins to pose a threat to himself or those around him then a doctor will more than likely have to intervene.

I wish you the best but be strong.

 

[Sapphirepenguin9900]

Thank you, I really wish I knew more about his past to be honest. Maybe it would help me understand. I’ve met his mum and she isn’t the nicest tells her kids to F-off etc and his brother called him fat the other day. Unfortunately his dad died before he was born. I think he mentioned his step dad was physically abusive towards his mum which is terrible.