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My boyfriend wants a normal girlfriend.

P

Pijnab

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Sep 24, 2020
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This morning my boyfriend and I had an argument on the phone which led to me having a panic attack and having to be looked after by a stranger in the middle of town. I hung up on him while this was going on and 4 hours later I still haven’t heard from him.
I am not placing all blame on him at all. I have been very suspicious and accusing lately due to a girl from the past emailing him and causing my anxiety to sky rocket. Years ago he played this girl and i at the same time and chose her over me. He has been a compulsive liar, says he has changed but did lie to me earlier on in the year about something else.
He says he hasn’t replied to her but I just don’t believe him, as much as I want to, but I guess I can’t let go of his past actions.
He said this morning he wants a normal girlfriend. Why can’t I just be normal and he’s sick of all this. He says if I ask him one more time if he’s breaking up with me then we are over.
I am really shocked that he hasn’t contacted me to see that I’m okay, it’s made me feel so unloved and unwanted.
 
N

Nukelavee

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I feel like your stress is as much because, deep down, you know this guy isn't trustworthy. Of course you worry about him leaving you, because he using leaving as a control mechanism.

Having a relationship like yours would stress out most people.
 
B

bpd2020

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Hello and welcome to the forum. I agree with Nukelavee. Your boyfriend is constantly triggering you and making your symptoms worse. I can understand the fear of being alone but every day you have him in your life is a day you will be in more pain.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I'm sorry you're experiencing these panic attacks, my sister has them from time to time and her boyfriend is very supportive, her anxiety is mainly about travelling alone especially on buses and trains so he takes her to and from work when she has to go into the office but luckily since covid she's been able to work from home.

She's currently doing CBT over the phone and being encouraged to do exposure therapy.

I wish your boyfriend could be more supportive and caring, people like you and my sister need a little extra love when these attacks happen.

My opinion is you deserve better.
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

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If someone has been unfaithful, chosen other women over you, has broken your trust, and comes across as not caring about you or your needs....well, time to show him the hatch and move on.
 
Delilah67

Delilah67

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Herefordshire
This morning my boyfriend and I had an argument on the phone which led to me having a panic attack and having to be looked after by a stranger in the middle of town. I hung up on him while this was going on and 4 hours later I still haven’t heard from him.
I am not placing all blame on him at all. I have been very suspicious and accusing lately due to a girl from the past emailing him and causing my anxiety to sky rocket. Years ago he played this girl and i at the same time and chose her over me. He has been a compulsive liar, says he has changed but did lie to me earlier on in the year about something else.
He says he hasn’t replied to her but I just don’t believe him, as much as I want to, but I guess I can’t let go of his past actions.
He said this morning he wants a normal girlfriend. Why can’t I just be normal and he’s sick of all this. He says if I ask him one more time if he’s breaking up with me then we are over.
I am really shocked that he hasn’t contacted me to see that I’m okay, it’s made me feel so unloved and unwanted.
I’m really sorry to hear you’re having such a tough time.
I have to say I agree with the others: he is controlling you by his threats of leaving. When you have BPD that’s so so hard to take .
You deserve a normal boyfriend who doesn’t use your illness against you!
 
R

Rex Smith

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Compulsive liar and having 2 relationships at once isn't the ideal boyfriend. You have good reason to be concerned due to his past choices. You mentioned years in your post, so you've known him for awhile. If he's the same person as he was years ago then he will never change. It's who he is and that's not something that will change. The question you need to ask yourself is, do you want to be with a person like him?
 
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Purpleplum

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He's a compulsive liar
He has contacted a past girlfriend while he's been involved with you
He gives you an ultimatum/threat

I'm sorry, what is the attraction you're seeing in this guy again?
 
Tawny

Tawny

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I agree that you deserve someone who will love you, your good parts and not so good parts. You will find your perfect match, but it doesn't look like he is that person.

It is hard to let go and hard to accept failure. My instinct is to fight for something, to make it work, to fix it, but sometimes the failure was getting into that relationship in the first place.

Next time, you know what to look for, what you need in a boyfriend.

If it feels too painful to make a clean break, or you need more time to think, you could give each other 1 month to rest and think.
 
S

SweetBipolar

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I am sorry. I know that feeling of not trusting someone but also not wanting to be alone. I hope things workout and maybe you two could take a break. It seems he’s been unfaithful and you deserve better. Loneliness can lead us back to toxic people. But they will keep hurting us.
 
P

Pijnab

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Sep 24, 2020
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Maybe he isn’t lying this time though and I have pushed him away with all my accusations.
He still hasn’t spoken to me but I haven’t contacted him either.
I am not afraid to be alone, I used to be and go from relationship to relationship but I was single for 2 years before we got together and wasn’t looking for a relationship then either. We were friends before so breaking up means I lose a friend as well as a boyfriend so it’s a big decision to make unless he has already made his mind up and we are already over.
 
N

Nukelavee

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Maybe he isn’t lying this time though and I have pushed him away with all my accusations.
thinking that is simply buying into his control games. He makes you feel guilty for his actions.

compulsive liars rarely stop, they just improve the quality of their lies for a while.
 
Prince of Cinders

Prince of Cinders

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Maybe he isn’t lying this time though....
The inclusion of "this time" is really the operative part of the phrase. There shouldn't be a "he'll be honest this time" anywhere involved in your relationship.


It's not about being alone, or pushing people away...it's about having open communication and honesty.

Those don't seem to be in abundance.
 
P

Pijnab

Member
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Sep 24, 2020
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Sheffield
He messaged in the night to say sorry for losing his temper and he hopes I’m okay. Says he doesn’t wanna break up but thinks we should have some space for a few days to hopefully get some clarity and that he loves me.
No one has ever asked for space like this from me before.
 
P

Pijnab

Member
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Sep 24, 2020
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Sheffield
I should also add that we are in a long distance relationship and only see each other every few months so when we are apart phone contact is all we have.
 
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