My boyfriend has cheated on me again

E

Em97

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Derby
#1
Hi everyone,

I'm new here so sorry for posting such a heavy post for my first one! But I really feel like I have no one to turn to and feel like you guys will at least understand me.

To cut a long story short, this is now the second time my boyfriend of 2 years has cheated on me.

Unfortunately, I do really, really bad with being single and I always have this huge fear that if I don't have a boyfriend then maybe I won't find my future husband and maybe I will be single and miserable forever. I worry a lot about the future and about everything being 'perfect' or going the way I want it to.

This fear of being single means that put up with a lot of crap even though I am miserable for it. Don't get my wrong, I'm not in an abusive relationship (physical or emotional). My boyfriend tells me he loves me and treats me great most of the time. The problem is, this is the second girl I've discovered him cheating with. He has also being caught messaging multiple girls who he swears he never met up with. I can't help but blame myself to justify it- I wouldn't want to date me after all. Sometimes my bpd causes me to be controlling or get upset over stupid things so maybe it's fair of him to treat me like this.

This relationship has well and truly destroyed me but I just can't get out of it. I split up with him for 2 months but went back to him because I felt like I deserved it because sometimes my bpd makes me mean to him or argumentive and also I just couldn't live with the fact that I might not find anyone else who loved me and might not get to have the future I want.

I am currently out of the UK and living by myself, so I can't afford therapy. I feel hugely suicidal and like my life has no point living. With bpd we're so dependant on our relationships as it is and the fact that I am so dependant on someone who I have absolutely no trust in is draining me.

At the minute I'm feeling like it would all be better if it just ended. I've clearly shown myself that I can't be happy with or without my boyfriend and in all honestly I've lost hope of ever having a happy life. I'm ridden with depression during the day which stops me from being productive, and then anxiety at night which keeps me up till crazy hours and then wakes me early in the morning.

I feel so alone right now. I have no one to turn to, I have friends but my boyfriend is my life and I just feel like I can't do this anymore.

Any comments will be appreciated!
 
LouisaMogs

LouisaMogs

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 15, 2019
Messages
58
Location
Warrington
#2
Do you love him? Or are you just afraid of being single so you’re settling for him?

I’m sorry you’ve been treated so badly.
 
E

Em97

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Derby
#3
Do you love him? Or are you just afraid of being single so you’re settling for him?

I’m sorry you’ve been treated so badly.
I love him too much. I wish I didn't love him because it hurts so much! We planned a future together, marriage and even how many children we would have
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
2,547
#4
I hope you don't mind me saying ...


I'm not in an abusive relationship (physical or emotional). My boyfriend tells me he loves me and treats me great most of the time. The problem is, this is the second girl I've discovered him cheating with
But as he has cheated on you twice I would say it's close to emotional abuse, especially if he knows and has some understanding of BPD ...

I would say that it will be really hard for you to let go, but it would be for the best in the end , you need and deserve to be with someone who loves you for just being you X (at least that's how I feel about my GF, I love her and her BPD)

Just my thoughts X
 
E

Em97

New member
Joined
Apr 16, 2019
Messages
3
Location
Derby
#5
I hope you don't mind me saying ...




But as he has cheated on you twice I would say it's close to emotional abuse, especially if he knows and has some understanding of BPD ...

I would say that it will be really hard for you to let go, but it would be for the best in the end , you need and deserve to be with someone who loves you for just being you X (at least that's how I feel about my GF, I love her and her BPD)

Just my thoughts X
Thanks for your comment! I don't mind at all 😊 I just get so confused, as I think that my bpd causes me to sometimes emotionally manipulate him, so does that justify what he does?
 
Urban Hermit

Urban Hermit

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 18, 2019
Messages
2,547
#6
No .... Not at all, not as far as I'm concerned... No excuse for cheating X
Maybe I'm just an ol' romantic but if i love someone I love them with my whole heart ....
 
D

dewey

Well-known member
Joined
Jan 16, 2019
Messages
643
#7
Thanks for your comment! I don't mind at all 😊 I just get so confused, as I think that my bpd causes me to sometimes emotionally manipulate him, so does that justify what he does?
No not at all. It doesn't justify it.
As I read your post I hear you are in a lot of pain, emotional pain, which I can relate to and yes, for people with borderline tendencies being away from someone is very scary, but at the same time you know that the current situation isn't healthy and it isn't something you would hope for for the future as you talk about marriage, kids, etc.

This sounds like a very difficult situation for you as I hear you love him dearly despite his behaviour towards him and have formed a strong attachment to him.
However, hearing your post I can only advise what you too would advise to someone in the same position: you would tell them they deserve better.


You have had hopes for a future, you have foreseen a future for yourself where you have a partner and maybe children, don't let that future dissolve before your eyes, please. Don't talk yourself out of the idea that you could be happy. I know you don't believe it right now because I've been there.
I still struggle to be happy, really struggle, but it's a work in progress and I'm learning new things everyday. Having mental illness and feeling suicidal is terrible, an awful feeling, and when those feelings keep coming back it is draining, I know.
But we learn to live with them, somehow. I always feel like I have one hand on edge of cliff but still at least that one hand is there. Holding onto something. I feel you need to do the same, just hold onto something. One shred of hope that could keep you going.
And hold onto that each and every single day.
Picture it before your eyes, like being in a dark blacked out room where all you know is suffering, but there is a tiny glimmer of light, of hope, and that's the thing you hold onto.
I sense you are a good person with high expectations of people and there are people out there (sure they feel hard to come by) who will reciprocate that and give you the time of day you deserve. There is someone out there who would be loyal to you.
Your borderline thoughts are making you dependent on someone you don't trust who is making you miserable. You know that if I posted the exact same thing as what you had, you would tell me to leave. Because why would you advise someone to stay with someone who has cheated on them loads of times? I know that sounds blunt, but it's true, my love, you deserve better.
Maybe it is really hard for you to make the first step to reach out but I think there must be some kind of mental health services where you are. Or a helpline number you can call. If not post on here. Pretty much everyone on here has had similar struggles, and that's what makes this a community, you're not alone.
 
E

Edinscotbrit

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 20, 2019
Messages
99
Location
Scotland
#9
I understand that you don`t want to be alone. But end of the day you will end up being a doormat for him, because he knows he can do it and get away with it. Simple as.
Very soon you will end up utterly miserable and alone, as , likelihood is, he will leave you. He has no respect for you.
Much better to kick him into touch now and work on yourself before even going near another relationship again.
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,172
Location
USA
#10
Being alone is way less scary than it sounds. It could be fun to rediscover yourself if that’s what you choose to do.
 
E

EstherRose94

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 2, 2019
Messages
1,172
Location
USA
#12
But love is a strong drug. I get it. You can keep sharing your feelings here, vent, etc. We’ve been there
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,001
#13
There’s a difference between love and dependency.

One lifts you up, the other drags you down.
 

Similar threads