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my boyfriend cheated & keeps lying

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gracella301

New member
Joined
Jan 23, 2019
Messages
1
Location
Boston
#1
I've been dating my boyfriend for a year, we live 2 hours away, he has bipolar 2, diagnosed years ago. He has only been on a low dose antidepressant as far as treatment goes, he also has a drinking issue. I wasn't aware until recently about his bipolar and this happened as a result of me finding out about his infidelity. Currently, we have been seeing each other once each month and I always had some concern about us being committed to each other on his end, he always said that he only wanted me every time I asked and reassured me that he was in love with me but there would be many nights he would go out drinking with sparce txts between us, it made me feel suspicious.

i ended up finding out one day he was with a girl through her social media, i confronted him about it and he said she was a friend only but i did not buy it, he eventually confessed they had sex. he began telling me how he feels manic every so often and explained he doesn't have control over certain behaviors and told me that he will gamble and spend tons of money and sometimes be awake for 36 hrs straight and that once he comes down from being manic he feels depressed and guilty and doesn't know why he did any of the things he did while he was manic-this was all stuff i never knew and i was worried but so so so confused and extremely hurt. i didn't and still don't understand why when he was feeling hypersexual he didn't come to me for it. he explained he had no feelings for her and stopped talking to her after i found out. i asked him if there were other girls and he said that there had been 3 others since we were together. i felt sick to my stomach.

i began researching about bipolar and found out how antidepressants can trigger rapid cycling of moods and how mood stabilizers are a recommended treatment so i told him he needs to see a psychiatrist and he agreed. he begged me to give him another chance and i did, i was very concerned about him and wanted him to get help, i love him so much. we communicated the whole day every day ever since then and i felt slightly better about the improved communication due to everything. he saw a psych, started a mood stabilizer and was set to go back to the dr. in a week but he never went. time passed, he put the appt off and a month later he still hadn't seen the dr. but he began to tell me that he was feeling less hyper on the meds, he would often bring up on his own how he noticed they were helping. i thought this was a great sign but concerned he hadn't seen a dr. yet to follow up. i figured the pills need to be increased with dosage because usually meds are started at a low dose initially to see how the drug is handled.

as far as my trust went, it was not very good. i constantly questioned him and we would argue, he would say that he felt better and i don't have to worry. we got to the point where we were arguing all the time. i didn't trust him, i just felt like he was still with other girls. i felt insecure about our distance but also because of his cheating. some time passed, my trust hadn't changed, he hadn't seen he dr. i noticed he started staying out very late, sleeping very little, drinking more and this became more regular. we were arguing all the time, he said he was drinking more because he felt guilty about cheating on me and that i don't trust him, he said that i will never trust him. i started feeling like i couldn't stop obsessively worrying he would cheat especially while out drinking. i began to feel like i was crazy and ruining our relationship, i blamed myself. some time passed and i started asking him did he really feel better on the meds and he said he did. i began to feel like i was nagging him constantly and sort of stepped back from asking. then last week his behavior became more apparant it was manic, he told me one day he felt antsy and had to go out, he ended up going to a bar for over 6 hours, he didn't text me that much, it made me think he was cheating. i got upset, explained i knew something was up, he sounded very hyper on the phone, his thoughts were from one idea to another in an instant. i knew he was manic, i told him i was worried and i think he is manic, he said that he wasn't manic and that he feels better. i made plans to see him and we saw each other. he didn't seem all that off to me when we were together, we had fun. i talked to him about my trust concerns and asked if anything had happened since he slept with that girl, he said no. he told me that i am the only one he wants and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. i asked him if he was talking to other girls and he said no. i ended up looking at his phone and finding out he was txting with girls. i confronted him and we fought, he said long distance is too hard for him. i went home. he began non stop texting me and begging me not to leave him, he said that he still feels manic and began telling me that he has been gambling and staying out until 6 am i had no idea. i was so worried and i told him he needs to see a dr. he was so guilty he went out drinking that whole night. we've been talking ever since i found out and i've been asking him a ton of questions, i feel hurt and confused. i explained to him how it feels like talking to girls consistently is not a manic behavior (i feel like hooking up with someone is more manic than talking regularly but it confuses me honestly) he said he doesn't understand why he does it, that he has no feelings for them and i just hope that this is due to bipolar because i don't want it to be that he is just a cheater. he did tell me he cheated in other relationships but i figured if it is bipolar, he was never treated so it didn't surprise me in that aspect.

i read about how antidepressants can cause rapid cycling of moods even with a mood stabilizer and i don't know if he might need to wean off the antidepressant and just remain on the mood stabliizer or maybe he just needs to switch mood stabilizers or switch to a different one. i feel like it could be so many things and i want him to feel well.

he ended up saying it's not the distance, he was just frustrated that he failed. personally bipolar is something i am still fairly new to knowing about and i worry that our situation may not be due to bipolar and i don't want him to use it as an excuse so i wanted to see what other people who have bipolar would think about all of this. i want to work it out with him, right now i just feel extremely confused and hurt. i said to him that we should just date other people to make it easier and he said he doesn't want that, i thought he would agree to it on his part and i'm trying to be understanding but i feel so hurt.
 
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Perta

New member
Joined
Feb 15, 2019
Messages
1
Location
PA
#3
My therapist told me that bipolar does not serve as an excuse for bad behavior. This guy is an admitted serial liar and cheater. Sounds like he is planning to continue. Disease or no, is this how you want your life to be? It doesn't look like you are a match. What do you think?
 
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MLeona

Member
Joined
Feb 16, 2019
Messages
5
Location
Arizona
#4
Perta, Can I ask you something..do you have bipolar disorder or is it someone you know that has bipolar? Because, honestly, if you aren't the one with bipolar disorder than your opinion or your therapists comment is not a valid opinion. So I am curious to know whether you are the one with the mental illness or is it someone you are close to?
 
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Tabby120

Member
Joined
Feb 6, 2019
Messages
11
Location
Private
#7
If he has not gone back to his doctor then he is probably not on medication at all because he can't get refills without a doctor prescribing it.

Could mania be causing the drinking, gambling, cheating and other bad behavior? Yes. But it doesn't matter. He knows what's wrong, he knows he has a chronic disease, and he is making a conscious choice to not seek effective treatment, and he is making a conscious choice to not take steps to prevent that high or make a plan in advance that will curb those behaviors and redirect the mania in a different direction.

I do commend you in researching the illness and learning standard treatment. An informed partner who can assist in care is worth their weight in gold when one is mentally ill.

However, if it were me, I would run fast and lose his phone number and block his in turn. He's making a choice to not change, he's making a choice to not prevent the cheating, and he's being manipulative in keeping you reeled in and excusing those behaviors as part of being ill. The drinking and the gambling while manic are also worrisome, and if he's still on medication and not following up with a doctor, where are the pills coming from? Is there drug use too?