My Bipolar SO disappeared...advice needed

H

hootini

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Apr 17, 2019
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usa
#1
Hi,

I'm new here, I've been trying to navigate this and have done a lot of research but my situation seems a little different from others I have seen so I like to get some insight from people who have been there on my side or people who have done this kind of thing themselves.

I'm going to try to keep it short(ish) but please bear with me cause I have a lot to say.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little under a year. I knew from the start he was bipolar and it was something we bonded over because I have my own mental health struggles, we disucssed it a lot and suported each other. Everything was going well, we were talking about marriage, moving together, etc. He is pretty high-functioning as far as bp goes but is not currently medicated or going to therpay (although we had been discussing the need to do both and he was willing, just hadn't yet.)

About two and a half months ago he had a run of bad luck and a lot of things stressing him out, and was getting very overwhelmed. He kept telling me this and was getting more distant (fewer texts, not seeing me as often) which was partially due to his now-busier schedule (we do not live together). During the entire month of February for one reason or another he kept being unable to meet up with me. His mood seeemd to pick up a little right in the week before this happened but...the second weekend in March his communication became much worse, and I could tell he was detaching. (this is a thing he has done in the past, not just to me but others.) He was still telling he loved me and being affectionate, calling me etc. That particular weekend though he responded much less and with much shorter texts, basically letting me know he wasn't doing well.

That Sunday I lost it a little and due to my own issues I let him know I wasn't doing well either and ended up bombarding him with texts. He finally responded on Sunday telling me he was "there but not there" and didn't know what to say. The last thing I got from him was a message apologizing for not responding earlier and saying he was with his child.

That's the last I've heard from him to this point. It has been three weeks, I have called him, texted him, no response. I have not been super naggy or critical or anything like that, I apologized because I realized by going off a little that weekend I had probably added to his being overwhelmed, I have told him I love him and I'm there, and I've tried to give him space.

Unlike other situations Ive seen online though, he never said he wanted to break up or anything like that. He has, like I said, disappeared on people before but has come back. We didn't have a fight before this and right up to the night before he disappeared he was telling me he loved me.

It's hard for me because I don't think he broke up with me, but I don't know what's going on with him (I am confident he is not harming himself or anything like that.) going to visit him is not an option, he lives full time with his child and he would not take kindly at all to me just showing up, it's not his personality.

I know it is common for those with bp to disappear and not respond to messages etc. Has anyone been in this situation where you were essentially ghosted by a SO but there was no indication of a fight or a break up? (he is not the type of person to just break up with someone this way, we had issue related to him wanted to break up due to his bp before (thinking I shouldn't have to deal with it, etc., and he didn't discuss that via phone or text at all, he's a very in-person kind of guy)

I'm trying to give him more space and just let him know I'm here, I'm not mad, I still care, but at some points I wonder if I'm fooling myself. I am trying to take care of myself as I know that's important, I have a therapist appt scheduled in the coming weeks.

I guess I'm just wondering, has anyone been there? Is it possible he's just shutting me out due to depression and he'll come back around? For anyone that shuts others out during a bp depression, what was your thought process?
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#2
hello and welcome
hootini
The thing with bipolar I think is that people who suffer with it have periods where they are ok and then long patches of very long low dark times, I have a friend who is in this season and it can go on for months at a time.


It could be that he is overwhelmed and the only thing he knows, as way of coping, is to push you away.
 
H

hootini

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Joined
Apr 17, 2019
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usa
#3
Thanks blacksmoke. Yeah the last time he did this was actually exactly a year ago. It was right before we started dating but we still casually knew each other. I’m wondering if there’s something about this time of year specifically that triggers him.

I’m hoping you’re right and it’s just a coping mechanism for him. Last year he came out of it within about two months. It’s just hard to really know since he hasn’t told me specifically why he’s not responding. That’s the tough part for me.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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#4
yeah triggers and seasonal ones at that. he may even be unaware of this connection. maybe when he comes through it ask him but dont do it while he is in this low point
 
H

hootini

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#5
Yeah I didn’t plan on doing that. Right now I’m just focusing on letting him have space but sending a message here and there to let him know I’m thinking of him without trying to put any pressure on him. I’ve heard both that it’s good to do that and let the person know you’re still there with them through it, but I’ve also heard people say that when someone is depressed like this it’s best to leave them alone. So I’m torn on that.

Since he hasn’t asked me to stop, hasn’t blocked me, and never said anything negative before he essentially fell off the earth as far as I know it’s not the worst idea to keep in contact but it’s hard to know.

I’m trying to limit it to once or twice a week and keep it light.
 

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