My biggest fear..

C

CalisBrknHrt

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Joined
Dec 31, 2018
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4
#1
Hopefully, this is going into the right thread, if not please let me know! And please bare with me at this will probably be a long post.

Because I intended on making 2019 about my spiritual journey (since 2018 was my physical, but I'll still be bringing that into '19, just a lot more focus on myself and soul)
my best friend gave me this book, about self discovery. It's got 10 areas of your life to work on developing a stronger sense of (goals, dreams, fears, hurts and wrongs you done.)
The main reason I joined this forum, was to share about my fear on an online form/support group. Since it's one of the questions/prompts to ask for advice/support on how to deal with my biggest fear.
I do have many fears, as I believe human beings have many, and fear is always going to be there even when one is "achieved" or manage, another comes along. I find this to be the same with insecurities.
Anyways, to my point. My biggest fear right now, is that I'll never find my other half. Soulmate/twin flame, whatever you want to call it. I fear that my childhood trauma, along with being sexually assaulted at 13, has ruined any chance of me ever truly letting a man in, with 100% complete comfortability.
In the past, I had settled for any guy that gave me attention, and most of them weren't real connections ( at least not the connection I want to feel now, since I have changed immensely.) 95% of them were online through video games, or dating sites. Those that I met in person, only ever turned into weekend relationships, or they wanted one thing.
I have always been a picky person, and now I feel my standards from previous relationship have gone up. Some of my friends get on my case about this, to lower my standards a little. But I am too firm in my belief, that I don't want to settle again, and I want that spark / connection romance. I very rarely feel it with the men I meet, and if I do, the feelings are not reciprocated, instead I'm seen as one of the dudes. I don't fair well with rejection, but I am getting better with it.
For the most part, most of the men I meet, come off too strong (in sexual terms.) And while since I'm now almost in my 40s and human, of course I like sex (at least I think I do?) these men just make me uncomfortable. The same feeling I had when I was 13. Now, I know no one is going to be aware of my childhood, it's not like I walk around with a sign on my back saying I was assaulted.. so I try to remind myself, that most men are like this, or they don't know how to really approach a female like me. I consider myself old school, and have very rarely ever been intimate... Because of what happened, and I turned to food as most of my coping mechanism.
I am taking a forgiveness class to heal through this process, because I do want to have a healthy relationship someday. But am I truly wrong to have these "high standards"?
I am a dreamer, so I tend to fantasize about Disney love, even though I know it isn't real.
I do know I don't want to settle ever again, because now I am aware of my worth.
 
calypso

calypso

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#2
Hello and:welcome: to the forum. You sound as though you are doing all the right things to get back on track with your life. A close friend of mine was assaulted when they were 13 and it takes it toll on them even now. Have you ever tried actual therapy to move forward from that? You are right to feel you are worth a lot and I can't see why you don't get a partner you find fulfilling.

Have you any interests that can lead you to meeting a person who can be more than just a quick date?
 
C

CalisBrknHrt

New member
Joined
Dec 31, 2018
Messages
4
#3
I have been in a personalized recovery program about 2 years now. Only last year though, I really started working the program. I am very close with my clinician, and she knows me pretty well at this point. She has been helping me with this issue, and fear. Slowly, but surely.
I do not really have a way to go out places that include my interest, as I don't drive (something I am working on.)
I have many hobbies and interests though, most of them are introverted/home type hobbies.