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My best friend's depression is taking a serious toll over my mental health and my studies

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Peepaa

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Nov 22, 2017
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My best friend's depression is taking a serious toll over my mental health and my studies

I have been helping my best friend through her depression and for getting over her narcissist ex since 1.5 years. At first everything was gong okay and since i also have been through depression, so i could understand her very well and help her get no contact with him, but circle around circle it so happened that she used to come to me crying and saying what he said, and i helped her see the reality that he is only using her for his sexual desires (as he was still in contact with his ex and was having physical relationship with her and manipulated my friend also for having it). But every time she would agree in front of me, but then go back to him because she was not able to get over all the gas lighting he had done.
My energy was drained every time trying to get her to the right path and stabilise her and remove all her phobia related to studies and every thing else related to her relationship,but i would in this way compromise my studies.
Now she is not in his contact, but he is in our class, and she can't go anywhere else. She is not emotionally stable till now and completely depressed.
But i discovered few months back that she had been doing her studies very well throughout and it was my mental state which was deteriorating now because of all this.
Now i want to get over her thoughts and urge to help her, as i am not able to concentrate in studies because even when i am not studying, i constantly worry about her. And feel guilty for not helping her.
It is a long story of pain but i tried to jot it down in minimal words.
Help me please!!
 
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Friendship

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I really dont know...maybe for you to stay positive and maybe structure or limit the time you spend with her. Telling her straight forward that you cannot save her from depression, but none the less be a friend. It could be she needs proffetional help also. But you know, being hounest and straight forward on the fact that it is only so much you can do. Starting to set some boundaries around yourself in a polite manner to her.
Sincearly
Kenneth.
 
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Peepaa

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Nov 22, 2017
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I really dont know...maybe for you to stay positive and maybe structure or limit the time you spend with her. Telling her straight forward that you cannot save her from depression, but none the less be a friend. It could be she needs proffetional help also. But you know, being hounest and straight forward on the fact that it is only so much you can do. Starting to set some boundaries around yourself in a polite manner to her.
Sincearly
Kenneth.
The thing is..I have been extremely polite and loving to her throughout, and i found it completely okay to be with her as she was so suicidal and i felt like i am only the one who can help her as she did not tell these things to anyone else.
But now i am trying to set boundaries because I feel empty and with no energy and my self esteem has vanished and it crushes me to the depth. But the problem is not setting boundaries, but the mental conflict i have while setting boundaries. When i am with her, i feel empty and drained, but then a small amount of time i spend healing me, i start feeling guilty and worried about her, and it goes like this in my mind "how can i be so rude and think that my best friend is at all doing any harm to me, she does not know what is happening with me, and she herself is in pain, so how can i ever think of giving myself priority or to be happy or to heal myself, when she is in so much pain and it is so severe and when she needs me the most, how can i be so selfish?" Then i go back again to her and ask her about how she is feeling and put all my energy in her. And nurture her, but since she is so severe, she shouts at me, and now i realise,and she also told me, that she takes me for granted a lot of times. Then when i come back drained of energy,and seeing her pathetic condition, i do more and more to completely heal her, as it has been stuck in my mind that after she gets healed completely, then only i can start my healing. But i have realised after 1.5 years that i am equally important as her and my dreams are at stake as i am doing mbbs and​ need to concentrate on my studies and leave everything else. But I can't help and every time same thing happens and my self esteem has vanished and it rings in my head that I can't study because I stayed away from it so much and I don't deserve anything,so it's better that i help her which i am good at
 
Kerome

Kerome

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I think you have to stop trying to help her so much. Often just being a good listener is enough to maintain a friendship, but you have to set some boundaries so you can help yourself and complete your studies. These things are important for your future, it would be good to give them the energy they deserve. I’d limit the time I spent with that friend, and set some boundaries.

To think you have to help your friend to the exclusion of all else, when she takes you for granted, is a very unhealthy attitude. Friendships are a question of give and take, sharing on something close to an equal basis. You have to be careful not to get involved with users, people who will take advantage of you especially when you yourself have suffered depression and are not well.
 
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Peepaa

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Nov 22, 2017
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I think you have to stop trying to help her so much. Often just being a good listener is enough to maintain a friendship, but you have to set some boundaries so you can help yourself and complete your studies. These things are important for your future, it would be good to give them the energy they deserve. I’d limit the time I spent with that friend, and set some boundaries.

To think you have to help your friend to the exclusion of all else, when she takes you for granted, is a very unhealthy attitude. Friendships are a question of give and take, sharing on something close to an equal basis. You have to be careful not to get involved with users, people who will take advantage of you especially when you yourself have suffered depression and are not well.
I appreciate what you said and thanks for the reply, both you and kenneth.
I have been a good listener and have been helping her with my own will, and initially she used to say that i must not get into her problem this much, but at the same time she used to say that she doesn't want to lose me and that she does need help but she thinks that no one can help her, listening to this, i would think that she is saying all these things because of depression and she needs help and atleast someone to share things and all and asked her to tell me so that i could atleast be with her, but it so happened that her depression worsened to the extent that she also could not help but seek my help and share and cry, and i could never say no, even if i was at extreme low myself because most of the time it was like that i want to suicide and don't want to live anymore, that i would hear from her. So i thought saving a life was so much more important than anything else.
And then this thing went to the level that a lot of negative consequences followed, me not being able to study and she telling me that I don't understand. But i would not say that she used me exactly, because i had been with her with my own will and many a times asked her problems seeing her low, by myself because i had got so much attached to her and was able to actually 'feel' her pain to such a level that i could not stop myself from asking and then talking to her. So its partly my fault too. And it was also such that everytime, atleast 1000000s of times i thought that this is the last when she used to get a bit better, so i thought this is the last time she is getting this problem, and after this, i and she would be happy and every thing will be alright, and she would agree too and would talk about everything positive, but it would last only 1-2 days maximum and then when a bit of energy would be starting to be applied to me, everything from her side would start again, and at first it was less, so we would think that working on it now would again bring back things to normal, but then it would exaggerate to the worst level again and again my world would shatter.
And as you all are suggesting that i should keep boundaries and be honest with her, so since it is holiday time of out college, yesterday we had talked and she was so low that again she told me that her life was a curse and she deserves to live in this curse and she doesn't want to talk to anyone,and i should not blame myself for anything in her life. So if this was the case anytime else through this last 1.5 years, i would repeatedly call her because i didn't want her to think that her life was a curse and wanted to tell her that i am with her no matter what, even if i didn't feel like.
But yesterday i didn't call her back even after seeing her message.
And then she called me today, saying that she wants everything to be alright right now(her voice radiated hope and if i would have consoled her that everything will be alright and would have given her hope, probably,but i am not sure , but maybe she would have got alright).
But since i was so depressed myself and it seemed to me that no one is with me either and i too needed help,for the first time in my life i told her that even i am not able to do anything (other times i would be ready to do anything for her). Then her voice went to hopelessnes and she told 'leave it' ,with a very sad voice. And since i was drained of energy, i didn't let myself compromise it as i did all other times and told her that i am hanging up, then she said okay.
I had thought that saying this would make everything alright because i didn't want to talk to her.
But again a flood of guilt is surrounding me
And i have started thinking that i should talk to her again and say i am with her and everything will be alright. I called her,but her phone is switched off.
I messaged her even that i am feeling empty completely.
But i am getting the urge to help her, and all these emotions are not letting me even to start my studies, to open my book and i feel like crying and dying.
Help me please.
 
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