My best friend and boyfriend betrayed me...and now I'm all alone.

elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Jan 13, 2019
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Kent
#1
Hi Everyone, this is my first time using a forum so I'm hoping I can get some advice for coping with loneliness?

For almost two years, I've had a boyfriend who for the purpose of this forum we will call James. Since meeting him at the end of 2016, things were absolutely perfect; he was always so romantic, we always talked about our future and we really enjoyed each other's company. I was 18, and he was 19. I had a fairly small group of friends, who have unfortunately abandoned me over the years due to a series of events. The first two friends, who we'll call Elise & Emma, started to hate me when I started dating James, out of pure jealousy. They didn't want to know us anymore and so cut us off from their lives, bearing in mind that they had never expressed any interest in James previously.

After that, I only had two friends left, who we'll call Dawn & Juliet. They were my best friends in the whole world and seemed fully supportive of me and James for the first eighteen months or so. Around November 2017, Juliet in particular started to express severe jealousy; telling us not to post so many pictures of ourselves online, saying that we were "oversharing" or "overadvertising". Dawn never expressed these same feelings and would usually stay out of it.

By August/September 2018, things really took a turn for the worse. One day, out of the blue, Juliet send me a message saying that James and Dawn had been seeing each other behind my back, despite not having any proof. She also informed me of numerous sexual acts that had apparently occured, again, with no evidence. Originally, I thought she was acting out of pure jealousy, like she had done previously. I confronted both Dawn and James about this, both of whom denied it. Dawn immediately rushed to my house and assured me that there had been nothing going on, and that they only ever meet up a few times at work (they both work at an airport). James also denied this, and at the end of it all, I decided to believe them. Juliet did not handle the situation very well, as she said things like "oh well, I'm just going to let the shit hit the fan now" "have fun!" = not a very supportive friend.

Over the next two months, these thoughts were haunting me. Despite there being no evidence, despite James spending a great deal of time with me and constant reassurance, the thoughts were eating away at my brain. I tried to ignore them, and tried to convince myself that I was being irrational. Then one day, on the 26th of October 2018, I went to Dawn's Halloween party that was being held at her house. By this time, I couldn't take it anymore, and I had to know the truth for myself. So when I was alone in her room after she had gone down to get drinks, I searched through her phone, where I found flirty text messages between the two of them. I was completely shattered and left her house immediately without saying a word. I immediately phoned James and told him that I had been through her phone and that it was over.

James begged and begged me not to block him after that, and insisted that these were only texts and nothing more. My mum (without me asking her to) went up to Dawn's house and asked her what had been going on, in front of Dawn's dad. She continued to deny everything and so my mum left. Over the next couple of weeks I became so depressed, because somehow over the course of two years I had become completely alone. I was having panic attacks left right and centre, I was crying all the time and never felt more lonely. James wrote me a five page long apology, with the promise ring he said he'd give me attached with sellotape. He said he was determined to fight for me and win my heart again. After about a month, we decided to meet up and see how things went. We met up various times and eventually started to progress, or so I thought.

Despite things looking up, and despite the lack of evidence still, the thoughts and feelings still haunted my mind. I started to see a counsellor who has been absolutely wonderful, and has helped me see a lot of things. Last night, I met up with James, and we had quite a positive conversation in the car about building up trust, building up the relationship etc, and then I noticed a Christmas card in the pocket of his car door. He told me it was from his Auntie and proceeded to try and hide it. After I asked him to have a look, he refused. I asked him why and he said that he just couldn't show me. He kept refusing and refusing and I really lost my temper, demanding to see it. He finally handed it over and the card was from Dawn. He tried to explain that she had delivered the card along with a couple presents and that he sent one back saying "thank you very much, but I don't want anymore contact with you". Whether this is true or not I don't know. I screamed and shouted at him in the car park through tears and he would not let me go; he insisted that I listen to him. I did listen, but what he said wasn't enough. So I stormed off and called my parents to pick me up.

Upon getting in the car, I decided that for the first time in 2 months I was going to see Dawn in person and ask her what had been going on. During the drive, I got a call from James' mum, assuring me that he had no other contact with Dawn, that Dawn was not welcome in her home and that she would never accept her as a daughter in law. She also wanted to make sure I got home safe. This was a clear indication that he had immediately phoned his mum to tell her everything. When I arrived at Dawn's house, I decided to walk up there alone. When I knocked her mother, who I always used to get on with, answered the door. She said "what do you want?" and I asked to speak to Dawn. She refused and proceeded to verbally abuse and threaten me. She said that they are friends and nothing more. After this, my mum went up to speak to them, and she had a relatively calm chat with the dad, who said that they were not seeing each other but that they are friends.

So as a whole, this whole situation has completely broken me. I feel like my entire self esteem and self worth has been completely shattered. I feel hurt, humiliated, betrayed and worthless. James has agreed to talk with me tomorrow, but I have a very strong feeling that this will be the last conversation we ever have. My confidence has been destroyed, I feel like I can't trust anyone, and my anxiety is through the roof. :low:

I know this was really long and rambly and I wouldn't be surprised if anyone stopped reading halfway through, but to those of you who have read this and think you could offer any advice on dealing with loneliness, anxiety, trust and various other factors in relation to this, please feel free to message back.

Thank you for reading,

Ellie
 
U

Unsolved

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Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
26
#2
Did you see a doctor for the panic attacks? I hope they are not happening again. I don't know what advice to give but maybe the first step is to acknowledge that the bad things have already taken place? How are things now, are they better or worse?
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Jan 13, 2019
Messages
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Location
Kent
#3
Hi there,

Thank you for responding, that means a lot. I went to see my GP around the age of 16/17 for panic attacks (I had them at the time due to other reasons) and they did suggest counselling, which I did at the end of 2016. Around that time I met James and things were really great and my mental health seemed mostly okay, that was until this all unravelled.

Unfortunately yes, the panic attacks have been quite frequent recently, and my current counsellor has suggested various ways of coping with them which I have attempted to do.

Things are generally pretty bad at the moment; everything is still very raw and I've never felt more lonely. Unfortunately this has been affecting my work tremendously as well as my home life. I'll be seeing my counsellor today so hopefully I can discuss acknowledging what has happened with her.
 
U

Unsolved

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Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
26
#4
Hi there,

Thank you for responding, that means a lot. I went to see my GP around the age of 16/17 for panic attacks (I had them at the time due to other reasons) and they did suggest counselling, which I did at the end of 2016. Around that time I met James and things were really great and my mental health seemed mostly okay, that was until this all unravelled.

Unfortunately yes, the panic attacks have been quite frequent recently, and my current counsellor has suggested various ways of coping with them which I have attempted to do.

Things are generally pretty bad at the moment; everything is still very raw and I've never felt more lonely. Unfortunately this has been affecting my work tremendously as well as my home life. I'll be seeing my counsellor today so hopefully I can discuss acknowledging what has happened with her.
Yes .Let it all out to a counsellor. Might I suggest physical exercise? According to some, working out and letting all the sweat pour out improves the mental state which is under stress. Dunno why it works. It just works. Try it and let me know if you feel better after that.
 
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U

Unsolved

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Joined
Jan 12, 2019
Messages
26
#5
Hi there,

Thank you for responding, that means a lot. I went to see my GP around the age of 16/17 for panic attacks (I had them at the time due to other reasons) and they did suggest counselling, which I did at the end of 2016. Around that time I met James and things were really great and my mental health seemed mostly okay, that was until this all unravelled.
Oh I see. Maybe what happened was that you are associating James as the reason why your mental state improved after 2017? Try not to associate him with that cause if you become "dependent" on your memories with James, you will be very hurt after everyhthing crumbles apart.
 
M

Mary26

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Feb 28, 2018
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Location
USA
#6
I didn't quite get whether or not James admitted to having a physical relationship with her or just flirting but it really doesn't matter. Their relationship is inappropriate. I also find it inappropriate (shocking, actually) that the parents got involved. I've never heard of that. But I will say this--you are very young. My friends at that age weren't really friends either. It changes as you get older. But it's always useful to self monitor--keep looking inward and ask how did I not know something was going on? Was I properly tuned in? Why did I choose these relationships? When I was about your age, I got my heart broken by a guy who was emotionally very cold and I realized that I chose him because my mother was emotionally cold and on some level, I wanted to recreate that feeling. Knowing that gave me the power to choose differently. I think you mentioned you're in therapy. A good therapist can help you explore your psychology and why this happened. I hope you're in good hands. (hugs)
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Messages
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#7
Yeah I think the physical exercise you suggested might do some good; I've been meaning to start going to the gym recently so I'll have to give that a go. I had a long chat with him in person this morning and we have agreed to have some time apart. He explained everything and by the sound of things there is no more contact between him and Dawn, but we've agreed to get on with our lives at least for the time being. It ended on good terms and maybe there is some hope for the future, but who knows. I had a session with my counsellor afterwards and she agrees that we've done the right thing. I think you're right; I do often associate him with the reason why my mental health significantly improved, which to be fair could have been multiple factors.
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Messages
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#8
Sorry I should have clarified - Neither of them ever confessed to anything physical. Dawn still denies that there were any messages even to this day, despite me seeing them with my own eyes. James confessed to these inappropriate messages and nothing more. The thing is, although it may not seem this way, James is a people pleaser and thrives on making others happy. He hates to disappoint and let people down, he's the same with his own family. He's always been very kind, affectionate and loving and is a generally emotional person, which is why it was such a shock honestly. I still have a hard time thinking he did any of this with malicious intent, I think he was just stupid? There were multiple situations that I now look back on that I view differently. For example, earlier in 2018, James, Juliet, Dawn and myself went on a weekend trip to stay in a log cabin (we did this the year before and really had a nice time) however this time was different. They (mostly Dawn) wanted to get James to strip in a hot tub while he was under the influence of alcohol. I was there the whole time so I know that nothing happened, but looking back on it now she acted very inappropriate even back then. I've been thinking recently about the type of friends I would like in my life and have come to the realisation that maybe friends and boyfriends should be kept mostly separate. Thank you for your response :)
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Joined
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Messages
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Location
Kent
#9
I didn't quite get whether or not James admitted to having a physical relationship with her or just flirting but it really doesn't matter. Their relationship is inappropriate. I also find it inappropriate (shocking, actually) that the parents got involved. I've never heard of that.
Yeah I must admit it is rather odd; I mean my mum only stepped in after the threats from Dawn's mother, but I suppose it's that protective instinct. And the night I went through her phone as well. James' mum and I have always got on really well and I do appreciate what she told me. But with Dawn's parents however, the way they acted was just so unnecessary. I always knew her mum could be quite aggressive and that their family life is somewhat disfunctional. But today James and I agreed to have a mature conversation amongst ourselves and came to the conclusion that maybe we are better off apart, at least for the time being.
 
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elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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#13
I think it might be a little too early for that unfortunately; this has only just happened recently.
 
M

mimipi

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#15
I've had to cut toxic friends out of my life before and it isn't easy but sometimes it's for the best. Both of these girls don't really sound like the kind of friends you want to keep. A friend should be supportive and always have your back, it doesn't sound like they do. Inappropriate behavior with your boyfriend isn't acceptable at all and that in itself would be enough for me to cut contact. It's your decision but you need to do what's best for your mental health. Wish you all the best :hug1:
 
elliepaige20

elliepaige20

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Messages
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#16
I've had to cut toxic friends out of my life before and it isn't easy but sometimes it's for the best. Both of these girls don't really sound like the kind of friends you want to keep. A friend should be supportive and always have your back, it doesn't sound like they do. Inappropriate behavior with your boyfriend isn't acceptable at all and that in itself would be enough for me to cut contact. It's your decision but you need to do what's best for your mental health. Wish you all the best :hug1:
I completely agree. I cut off Juliet after she made the accusations and then Dawn after leaving her party that night. The whole ordeal has completely ruined my relationship which I'm pretty devastated about. Though we've broken up on good terms and know that we can contact each other whenever we like/need it still hurts that it's come to this. He wasn't entirely innocent but I think as a whole it was more her coming onto him. Maybe there is still hope for the future for me and James but who knows.
 

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