My Anxiety

[LawH]

I have begun stepping out of a lifelong mind fog. This has made things more graspable to me, and I think I am finally beginning to be able to articulate my problems.

One big issue for me is the anxiety of going outside. What exactly is the source of this anxiety is unclear, but it has to do with people. I am not agoraphobic, since I actually enjoy the outdoors. I feel very relaxed and even happy when I go somewhere where there are no people. I also enjoy night time, which I think is a part of this anxiety. I suspect that I am more relaxed at night, because I know that most people will be asleep, or at least quiet in a way.

If I would not ignore my anxieties, I would not even go to the shop. There's a shop right downstairs from my flat, so I don't even have to go that far to get there, so it's not laziness. The shop clerks seem nice and they know me since I've lived here for a while, but still, I feel this deep burrowed anxiety even thinking about going out. The only times I do go out to town, I need a drink (except when I have some engagements that I need to fulfil). With corona I haven't been out anywhere in a long time, with only a few exceptions.

I have some medication for the anxiety. The main medication doesn't seem to be helping, or it is, but the my anxiety is so strong it's seeping through. The other medication that I have can't be taken for more than a week or so, and I dislike the idea of having an addiction on top of all of my problems, so I take them only when I am in a total rut. Then, I feel completely fine. My physical problems disappear as well.

I have been diagnosed with BPD, with a traumatic past. I feel that my anxieties have been with me all my life, and since I never had anyone, they just never went away.

I feel my body is slowly being eaten away by constant stress and little relief. I am over 30 years old, and I feel that now my body has had enough of all the sitting inside, laying in bed all day, stressing and smoking tobacco. It's fine, I know there was no other way for things to go, but I am trying to find some release and knowledge before it's my time to go. I am forever curious, and I have convinced myself that it is better to live without all this anxiety, or at least find some of the causes for whatever time I have left.

So my question is, are there people like me, who are seemingly afraid of other people, and what causes have you found for these anxieties?

For me I think it's social interaction, and the lack of self confidence. I think this comes from BPD, and also from my past.

I feel I have made my peace with death and life the best that I can, but this anxiety just doesn't seem to pass at all. I still feel it eating me away. There are still things I need to sort out, just like everyone, but I feel like I don't want this anxiety anymore. It's not useful in any way. It produces nothing, and teaches me nothing at the moment at least.

 

[jajingna]

I've learned a little about social anxiety recently having had that for so many years, several decades. I believe it is an emotional problem. I do some "EFT tapping" which seemed like it didn't do much for the first month, but lately I'm noticing a little benefit from it, or I think so.

The root issue perhaps is feeling safe. Safe to be yourself and understanding there is no danger. I reassure myself that these are just feelings and thoughts I have, they are creating this sense of danger but none really exists. So I tell myself "it's safe" and "nothing bad is happening" and "nothing bad is going to happen."

I don't like living avoiding people and situations. It's still early going for me, and a lot of this is new. But I'm trying to deal with the emotions, the traumas I've experienced, and accept my anxieties and thoughts and feelings. Merely saying they are irrational does nothing. You need to feel safe. Getting there may require some practice. Maybe give the tapping a try, even if you think it's silly, plenty of youtube videos for it.