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My alter is trying to kill me

Acorn

Acorn

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Jan 11, 2020
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722
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England
I was diagnosed with did back in 2012.

So i have a 16 year old alter whom is extremely destructive. She often self harms in such a way that requires hospital treatment and sometimes surgery and intensive care. Yesterday I found a suicide note from her and today I have found certain things that could be used to carry it out. I have handed them in to staff at my care home and made them aware of the situation and they are checking on me regularly but I’m at a loss as to why she does this. I’m not due to see my therapist until Tuesday but staff have said they will inform her of the situation tomorrow and see if she can see me. My keyworker is on annual leave which sucks bc my alter talks to my keyworker.

I guess what I’m wondering is how do I remain in control until this can be sorted? I have taken my meds and am just relying on hopefully sleeping until my therapist comes into work and taking it from there.

My alter is obviously in a lot of emotional pain but how do I get through to her? She doesn’t seem to realise we are safe now. She is determined to not be hurt again so she doesn’t want to be here.
 
Eleison

Eleison

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Can she draw how she's feeling?
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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Are you aware of what is happening when she takes control? I know some people black-out when it's happening or they take control while you're asleep.

Mine used to be able to take control of my body and I was fully aware of what he was doing but he doesn't seem to be able to while I'm on anti-psychotics, the only control he has is when I allow it, he mentally tells me what to do and I do it so I can stop at any time I like but the last time I did that for him was on the 14th of August last year and that wasn't because he behaved himself, it was just so I knew when the last time I did it for him was.

I'm withholding speaking to him and letting him guide the body because he misbehaves too much, he never stops talking or singing and hurts me physically.

So now all he is for the most part is a voice in my mind with very little power over me.

If he did behave himself I'd probably offer him as much time with the body as I can spare, start talking to him again and set aside money (£10 per week) for him to decide what to spend it on, I assume he'd buy PS4 or PC games to play when I give him time, he seems to enjoy playing games.
 
Acorn

Acorn

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Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
722
Location
England
Are you aware of what is happening when she takes control? I know some people black-out when it's happening or they take control while you're asleep.

Mine used to be able to take control of my body and I was fully aware of what he was doing but he doesn't seem to be able to while I'm on anti-psychotics, the only control he has is when I allow it, he mentally tells me what to do and I do it so I can stop at any time I like but the last time I did that for him was on the 14th of August last year and that wasn't because he behaved himself, it was just so I knew when the last time I did it for him was.

I'm withholding speaking to him and letting him guide the body because he misbehaves too much, he never stops talking or singing and hurts me physically.

So now all he is for the most part is a voice in my mind with very little power over me.

If he did behave himself I'd probably offer him as much time with the body as I can spare, start talking to him again and set aside money (£10 per week) for him to decide what to spend it on, I assume he'd buy PS4 or PC games to play when I give him time, he seems to enjoy playing games.
My awareness changes. Sometimes I leave my body completely and just lose a whole bunch of time and have to try to play catch-up with evidence of what’s happened like interaction with others and receipts. Sometimes I get left notes like today and sometimes I here her like a voice in my head telling me things or just talking to another alter.

I take quetiapine but still have the same struggles. I have tried lots of different anti psychotic medication.

I really wish I could just with hold speaking to her and her access to the body until she can be trusted not to hurt it but it’s completely out of my control. It must be such a relief to be able to do that.
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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It's a great relief for me, mine is a sociopath and a psychopath who almost hurt a family member (another family member saw what was about to happen and shouted at him to stop and he did) when he had control at the very start before I knew what was what and that he even existed.

I've found at least three ways in which he can take control but anti-psychotics seems to stop those ways, so if there is another way for him to take control he hasn't found it yet.

So that just leaves us with the 'sync up' that we developed together, he imagines in my mind where he wants me to move and I move, so I synchronise my movements with his with perfect accuracy and no delay. But as I said I use that as a treat for good behaviour because I have to treat him as I would a child, he has the mental age of a teenager and I have to act like a parent to him.

How many alters do you have in total and can they all take control of the body or is it just the one? I think it's crowded in my mind with just the one.
 
Acorn

Acorn

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Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
722
Location
England
It's a great relief for me, mine is a sociopath and a psychopath who almost hurt a family member (another family member saw what was about to happen and shouted at him to stop and he did) when he had control at the very start before I knew what was what and that he even existed.

I've found at least three ways in which he can take control but anti-psychotics seems to stop those ways, so if there is another way for him to take control he hasn't found it yet.

So that just leaves us with the 'sync up' that we developed together, he imagines in my mind where he wants me to move and I move, so I synchronise my movements with his with perfect accuracy and no delay. But as I said I use that as a treat for good behaviour because I have to treat him as I would a child, he has the mental age of a teenager and I have to act like a parent to him.

How many alters do you have in total and can they all take control of the body or is it just the one? I think it's crowded in my mind with just the one.
I have 6 alters in total that I am aware of though there may be more. They all take control at different times. Sometimes when I know I am going to leave my body I can control who comes out and chose the least destructive but mostly alters are triggered out depending on function. My aggressive destructive alter tends to take control when I’m under a real or perceived threat. She is 16 so maybe trying to parent her would help.
 
Acorn

Acorn

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722
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England
My emergency therapy appointment went as well as could be expected. My therapist managed to get through to my destructive alter and get her to agree to not act on anything until they meet again tomorrow
 
NWiddi

NWiddi

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I'm glad she's being reasonable, I just hope she stays true to her word and you remain safe.

I'm always worried for people who have alters/voices that can take control of the body.

There's another member that is having similar difficulties and I'm always relieved when she posts that she's ok, one of her alters even posted on here herself about how much hatred and anger she had for her host (for lack of a better word).

I just wish mine was more reasonable, he was quiet for a while when I was playing a PC game earlier so it's further proof that he can be silent when it suits him, I just wish he could be silent when it suits me.
 
Acorn

Acorn

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Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
722
Location
England
I'm glad she's being reasonable, I just hope she stays true to her word and you remain safe.

I'm always worried for people who have alters/voices that can take control of the body.

There's another member that is having similar difficulties and I'm always relieved when she posts that she's ok, one of her alters even posted on here herself about how much hatred and anger she had for her host (for lack of a better word).

I just wish mine was more reasonable, he was quiet for a while when I was playing a PC game earlier so it's further proof that he can be silent when it suits him, I just wish he could be silent when it suits me.
Very interesting there is another member in a similar situation.

Luckily she is very honest and takes promises seriously. She’s much more likely to just say “I can’t agree to that” than go against what she’s said.

Hopefully today in therapy we will get to what is actually wrong. I feel it’s something big
 
PlasticPilot

PlasticPilot

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Jan 14, 2020
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154
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Lowestoft
What is an "alter" please, is it city speak for something, i am a country boy so need educating plz :)
 
Acorn

Acorn

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Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
722
Location
England
What is an "alter" please, is it city speak for something, i am a country boy so need educating plz :)
Hi plastic pilot

An alter is short for an alternative personality. A person with dissociative identity disorder has more than one personality living in their body each with their own thoughts feelings and reactions.These alters can take over the body doing things which the host ( in this case me) can’t control. Sometimes I can hear my alters talking to me.

I’m not the best as explaining but I hope this helps a little
 
PlasticPilot

PlasticPilot

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Thanks Acorn, you described it very well to me :)
 
R

Rogue7

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Jan 2, 2020
Messages
73
Location
Australia
I was diagnosed with did back in 2012.

So i have a 16 year old alter whom is extremely destructive. She often self harms in such a way that requires hospital treatment and sometimes surgery and intensive care. Yesterday I found a suicide note from her and today I have found certain things that could be used to carry it out. I have handed them in to staff at my care home and made them aware of the situation and they are checking on me regularly but I’m at a loss as to why she does this. I’m not due to see my therapist until Tuesday but staff have said they will inform her of the situation tomorrow and see if she can see me. My keyworker is on annual leave which sucks bc my alter talks to my keyworker.

I guess what I’m wondering is how do I remain in control until this can be sorted? I have taken my meds and am just relying on hopefully sleeping until my therapist comes into work and taking it from there.

My alter is obviously in a lot of emotional pain but how do I get through to her? She doesn’t seem to realise we are safe now. She is determined to not be hurt again so she doesn’t want to be here.
Omg this is my issue too. One of my "parts" is trying to kill us. I don't know why. But it's bloody scary!
 
Acorn

Acorn

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Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
722
Location
England
Omg this is my issue too. One of my "parts" is trying to kill us. I don't know why. But it's bloody scary!
Although I’m sorry you are suffering it’s also comforting to know I’m not alone in this battle.
 
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