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My abusive brother and the family that enabled him.

N

Novemberdog

Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
20
Location
USA
"I should have thrown you down the stairs years ago you little s***."

This was the message I received from my older brother today.

You might ask; what did I say to make him so angry? I said Boris Johnson has not done a good enough job to contain this virus and disagreed that "Boris Johnson is the only politician who can get us through this."

This was an argument on a group whatsapp thread with my family (I live abroad so it was one of the ways we kept in touch with each other).

It's important to understand that this is the norm for my brother when I disagree with him. If we are in the same room he physically attacks, along with swearing and insults about my intelligence and he doesn't care that my family are there to witness it because they do nothing to stop it.

I am afraid to ever return home to see my parents for fear that he will try to kill me to hide the worst of the abuse he inflicted upon me as a child, the worst being the sexual abuse when he became a teenager.

A few years ago, I made my peace and forgave my parents for the ways they failed me and made a point to find the areas of life that they didn't fail me in. It is so much harder for me to forgive them for how my brother turned out and I don't really know how much of that I can put on them other than to say, that they should have waited a few years before having me, so my brother could finish his formative years and not be stuck where he is with the emotional capacity of a toddler.

Deep down I don't want to blame anyone for who they are, as not a single one of us signed up to be here and none of us have any control over the circumstances to which we are born into.

That being said; I am really struggling not to hate my brother for who he is and to not be angry with my parents/grandparent for their part in how he has turned out.

Ever since I was a child I've been a polymath and I like to talk about everything. My parents didn't support me in getting an education so I did that for myself and feel I have had to be mother and father to myself since a very young age. My mother has bipolar, my sister self harms, my dad belittled and insulted us growing up calling me stupid, weak and asking why I couldn't just think logically about things. I've since been in actual logic classes and read many books on the subject, (Cohen being my favourite) so as an adult it is evident to me that what my dad calls logic is not real logic at all and he only pulls it out when you disagree with him. Not when you are actually being illogical. Most dads would be proud to have a son who at 8 years old was talking about the sort of things I talked about, but my dad just saw me as an opponent to crush and exercise authority over and my brother copied that and it has reached the point where I feel like if I said something as simple as, 10 plus 10 equals 20, they would start to doubt that because I'm the one that said it. I've even witnessed it first hand where my dad or brother will agree with something I've said to them once but only because it was coming from someone else.

I'm really sorry that this is so long, but I need to vent. I am at my wits end and I'm afraid that I will probably never have the kind of familial support that many of my closest friends have had and take for granted.

Having to call the police on a parent for attacking you months after an extremely late Aspergers diagnosis is not something any child should have to do, but I've done it.

They treat me like I'm evil and that they are protecting the world from me, when all I want to do is be my pacifist self and contribute what I can to our collective moral progress through my work in ethics and metaethics, so that I can feel like I've done what I can, in the field where I can do my best, to make sure that fewer people have a childhood like mine or the ones far worse than mine.

I'll end on this: to anyone who feels like there must be something wrong with them to deserve the kind of treatment I've described from your family, the only thing wrong with you right now, is that you believe that.
You are not to blame and it wasn't your fault. No excuse is good enough for abuse. Remember that please and know that there is someone out there who loves you, will fight for you, will give their life for you and would jump into any fire to save you from it, if given the chance. Do not hesitate to contact me if you need someone to listen and empathise with you about absolutely anything. I won't give unsolicited advice, I'll just listen.
 
N

Novemberdog

Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
20
Location
USA
P.S this is not an invitation to talk about politics and different political views. Just the abusive behaviour surrounding threatening someone for harmlessly disagreeing with you.
 
Mario82

Mario82

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 4, 2020
Messages
3,658
Location
UK
Hi Novemberdog.

Your brother and father seem like complete arseholes. I am sorry you have been through all of that. You seem very intelligent and should be proud of being a polymath. I know you had a problem earlier with your post not going through but now that it's here you should be very proud of yourself for opening up. There are plenty of caring people here and this is a safe space where you can make friends and will not be judged.
 
N

Novemberdog

Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
20
Location
USA
Hi Novemberdog.

Your brother and father seem like complete arseholes. I am sorry you have been through all of that. You seem very intelligent and should be proud of being a polymath. I know you had a problem earlier with your post not going through but now that it's here you should be very proud of yourself for opening up. There are plenty of caring people here and this is a safe space where you can make friends and will not be judged.
Thank you for your kindness. I try not to be too hard on my dad. There was no excuse for the abuse, but he didn't exactly have it easy either. He was raising us on his own as my mum left him and us for awhile when I was very young and she left him on the day of his final exams at college. He ended up missing them because there was no one to look after us that day and he felt too broken to go back to college again, especially to do the same course he had already gone through the entirety of. This affected his employability greatly and he was forced to go back to a low wage job to make ends meet.

That and he did some good for me, although it took until I was an adult before I could turn some of who he was into a positive light. He's not a bad person really and he had his own problems with absent parents. While I sometimes wish that I could have had an upbringing that gave me the same sense of purpose that I have now, I really don't know if that would have happened if things had been different and at least I can say now that I am happy to be who I am.

I just need to figure out how to let go of some of it so I can live with more confidence in myself. It's easier to have that with writing (although I still lack the confidence to publish as much as I want to), in person is another matter entirely.
 
Mario82

Mario82

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 4, 2020
Messages
3,658
Location
UK
Thank you for your kindness. I try not to be too hard on my dad. There was no excuse for the abuse, but he didn't exactly have it easy either. He was raising us on his own as my mum left him and us for awhile when I was very young and she left him on the day of his final exams at college. He ended up missing them because there was no one to look after us that day and he felt too broken to go back to college again, especially to do the same course he had already gone through the entirety of. This affected his employability greatly and he was forced to go back to a low wage job to make ends meet.

That and he did some good for me, although it took until I was an adult before I could turn some of who he was into a positive light. He's not a bad person really and he had his own problems with absent parents. While I sometimes wish that I could have had an upbringing that gave me the same sense of purpose that I have now, I really don't know if that would have happened if things had been different and at least I can say now that I am happy to be who I am.

I just need to figure out how to let go of some of it so I can live with more confidence in myself. It's easier to have that with writing (although I still lack the confidence to publish as much as I want to), in person is another matter entirely.
I understand mate. It sounds like you have been through a lot and I understand your sympathies for your dad. Your brother though really has no excuse. I come from a loving family (although it is broken as I have never met my dad) so can't really relate to what you say, but I can imagine how hard it was for you with your brother and how much it still hurts you now, despite the fact you are making peace with it to an extent.

You do seem very intelligent and articulate. I know what you mean about being a different person in different spheres in life. When you are writing you obviously feel like you have more confidence and it raises your self-esteem. There's a journals section which is a safe space where you could create a thread about yourself. Just daily musings or excerpts of your writing. It would be great if you stuck around to help others and be helped yourself.
 
B

BluestFlame

Guest
"I should have thrown you down the stairs years ago you little s***."

This was the message I received from my older brother today.

You might ask; what did I say to make him so angry? I said Boris Johnson has not done a good enough job to contain this virus and disagreed that "Boris Johnson is the only politician who can get us through this."

This was an argument on a group whatsapp thread with my family (I live abroad so it was one of the ways we kept in touch with each other).

It's important to understand that this is the norm for my brother when I disagree with him. If we are in the same room he physically attacks, along with swearing and insults about my intelligence and he doesn't care that my family are there to witness it because they do nothing to stop it.

I am afraid to ever return home to see my parents for fear that he will try to kill me to hide the worst of the abuse he inflicted upon me as a child, the worst being the sexual abuse when he became a teenager.

A few years ago, I made my peace and forgave my parents for the ways they failed me and made a point to find the areas of life that they didn't fail me in. It is so much harder for me to forgive them for how my brother turned out and I don't really know how much of that I can put on them other than to say, that they should have waited a few years before having me, so my brother could finish his formative years and not be stuck where he is with the emotional capacity of a toddler.

Deep down I don't want to blame anyone for who they are, as not a single one of us signed up to be here and none of us have any control over the circumstances to which we are born into.

That being said; I am really struggling not to hate my brother for who he is and to not be angry with my parents/grandparent for their part in how he has turned out.

Ever since I was a child I've been a polymath and I like to talk about everything. My parents didn't support me in getting an education so I did that for myself and feel I have had to be mother and father to myself since a very young age. My mother has bipolar, my sister self harms, my dad belittled and insulted us growing up calling me stupid, weak and asking why I couldn't just think logically about things. I've since been in actual logic classes and read many books on the subject, (Cohen being my favourite) so as an adult it is evident to me that what my dad calls logic is not real logic at all and he only pulls it out when you disagree with him. Not when you are actually being illogical. Most dads would be proud to have a son who at 8 years old was talking about the sort of things I talked about, but my dad just saw me as an opponent to crush and exercise authority over and my brother copied that and it has reached the point where I feel like if I said something as simple as, 10 plus 10 equals 20, they would start to doubt that because I'm the one that said it. I've even witnessed it first hand where my dad or brother will agree with something I've said to them once but only because it was coming from someone else.

I'm really sorry that this is so long, but I need to vent. I am at my wits end and I'm afraid that I will probably never have the kind of familial support that many of my closest friends have had and take for granted.

Having to call the police on a parent for attacking you months after an extremely late Aspergers diagnosis is not something any child should have to do, but I've done it.

They treat me like I'm evil and that they are protecting the world from me, when all I want to do is be my pacifist self and contribute what I can to our collective moral progress through my work in ethics and metaethics, so that I can feel like I've done what I can, in the field where I can do my best, to make sure that fewer people have a childhood like mine or the ones far worse than mine.

I'll end on this: to anyone who feels like there must be something wrong with them to deserve the kind of treatment I've described from your family, the only thing wrong with you right now, is that you believe that.
You are not to blame and it wasn't your fault. No excuse is good enough for abuse. Remember that please and know that there is someone out there who loves you, will fight for you, will give their life for you and would jump into any fire to save you from it, if given the chance. Do not hesitate to contact me if you need someone to listen and empathise with you about absolutely anything. I won't give unsolicited advice, I'll just listen.
"I should have thrown you down the stairs years ago you little s***."

This was the message I received from my older brother today.

You might ask; what did I say to make him so angry? I said Boris Johnson has not done a good enough job to contain this virus and disagreed that "Boris Johnson is the only politician who can get us through this."

This was an argument on a group whatsapp thread with my family (I live abroad so it was one of the ways we kept in touch with each other).

It's important to understand that this is the norm for my brother when I disagree with him. If we are in the same room he physically attacks, along with swearing and insults about my intelligence and he doesn't care that my family are there to witness it because they do nothing to stop it.

I am afraid to ever return home to see my parents for fear that he will try to kill me to hide the worst of the abuse he inflicted upon me as a child, the worst being the sexual abuse when he became a teenager.

A few years ago, I made my peace and forgave my parents for the ways they failed me and made a point to find the areas of life that they didn't fail me in. It is so much harder for me to forgive them for how my brother turned out and I don't really know how much of that I can put on them other than to say, that they should have waited a few years before having me, so my brother could finish his formative years and not be stuck where he is with the emotional capacity of a toddler.

Deep down I don't want to blame anyone for who they are, as not a single one of us signed up to be here and none of us have any control over the circumstances to which we are born into.

That being said; I am really struggling not to hate my brother for who he is and to not be angry with my parents/grandparent for their part in how he has turned out.

Ever since I was a child I've been a polymath and I like to talk about everything. My parents didn't support me in getting an education so I did that for myself and feel I have had to be mother and father to myself since a very young age. My mother has bipolar, my sister self harms, my dad belittled and insulted us growing up calling me stupid, weak and asking why I couldn't just think logically about things. I've since been in actual logic classes and read many books on the subject, (Cohen being my favourite) so as an adult it is evident to me that what my dad calls logic is not real logic at all and he only pulls it out when you disagree with him. Not when you are actually being illogical. Most dads would be proud to have a son who at 8 years old was talking about the sort of things I talked about, but my dad just saw me as an opponent to crush and exercise authority over and my brother copied that and it has reached the point where I feel like if I said something as simple as, 10 plus 10 equals 20, they would start to doubt that because I'm the one that said it. I've even witnessed it first hand where my dad or brother will agree with something I've said to them once but only because it was coming from someone else.

I'm really sorry that this is so long, but I need to vent. I am at my wits end and I'm afraid that I will probably never have the kind of familial support that many of my closest friends have had and take for granted.

Having to call the police on a parent for attacking you months after an extremely late Aspergers diagnosis is not something any child should have to do, but I've done it.

They treat me like I'm evil and that they are protecting the world from me, when all I want to do is be my pacifist self and contribute what I can to our collective moral progress through my work in ethics and metaethics, so that I can feel like I've done what I can, in the field where I can do my best, to make sure that fewer people have a childhood like mine or the ones far worse than mine.

I'll end on this: to anyone who feels like there must be something wrong with them to deserve the kind of treatment I've described from your family, the only thing wrong with you right now, is that you believe that.
You are not to blame and it wasn't your fault. No excuse is good enough for abuse. Remember that please and know that there is someone out there who loves you, will fight for you, will give their life for you and would jump into any fire to save you from it, if given the chance. Do not hesitate to contact me if you need someone to listen and empathise with you about absolutely anything. I won't give unsolicited advice, I'll just listen.
Yo mate! I second u!
Why did they bring us into this world?
I’ve been my moms punching bag forever. Now i get how I couldn’t fight back being rapped just froze and not bitch about it like some do later.. Funny thing is im pretty good at defending others .. but trauma doesn’t compute as It should for me .. and now i think i get why, its the very thorough job we both did me and her as a team!
She has been abusive violent literally, physically, an emotional and mental terrorist and totally enabled in every possible way by my father mostly but everyone actually..
Thing is she’s very smart cunning and rationalizes her actions in ways that just makes everyone stifled.
Mathematical genius, brilliant debater, know it all **** that should never had have children. She at least admits that sometimes when it fits her.
Of course she is always the victim.
Yeah she got the living shit beaten out of her from her parents, was too smart for her own good growing up in a shit hole in a war zone and was a true beauty! Met my cool upper class father and married up! Go girl! but then! Tadada!! started hearing voices ooh!!... and the rest is (my) history.. fucking people! Take responsibility! Don’t have kids! Don’t abuse children! How could you not break that chain?!!! So smart so stupid! Snakes..
Fucking Breeders!!! Cant with you anymore!!!!
Although tnx for the cash papa ;)
Can safely continue my addictions uninterrupted x
Love comes in all kind of special ways :)
xxx-UpperClassReject-xxx

sorry (not sorry) if u have a kid or are responsible over an innocent being pls get help. if its meds or western or eastern blahblah so many options..
but dont lie dont hide dont cover up dont be violent and create a monster out of pain.
people! kindness love! eh?!
comone.. wtf?
x
 
Tamziie93

Tamziie93

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2020
Messages
549
Location
England
How old are you?

Can you move out?

Call social services?

Child line?

Go live with another family member?
 
Tamziie93

Tamziie93

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2020
Messages
549
Location
England
Oh your moved out definitely just block him personally leave the family group on the WhatsApp
 
N

Novemberdog

Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
20
Location
USA
How old are you?

Can you move out?

Call social services?

Child line?

Go live with another family member?
26

And yes I'm already moved out. I'm a whole ocean away from my family, living with my fiancee and my future stepson and using my parents as a textbook for how NOT to raise a child.
 
Tamziie93

Tamziie93

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 8, 2020
Messages
549
Location
England
Just get rid you have moved on you don't need them
 
J

jamraspberry

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
230
Location
World
You have to go no contact or low contact with this brother, so sorry what you are going through @Novemberdog

Big hugs to you :hug:
 
S

shirley u gessed

Active member
Joined
Apr 16, 2020
Messages
33
Location
the south
Wow, brother really has some problems. You sound like you are so strong, built a life, yeah for you!
Perhaps, if you feel the need to respond to your brother, suggest he gets some help.
 
J

jamraspberry

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 11, 2020
Messages
230
Location
World
Do you get severe anxiety everyday? Sorry you are going through a lot of stress.
 
W

WhatSarahSaid

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2020
Messages
147
Location
New York
I'm sorry for your awful experience. Don't feel like you owe forgiveness to anyone. If you hate them, you hate them. You don't owe them anything. Sometimes it's best to just cut people out altogether if the relationship is unhealthy.
 
N

Novemberdog

Member
Joined
Apr 9, 2020
Messages
20
Location
USA
Thank you everyone for the support!
Do you get severe anxiety everyday? Sorry you are going through a lot of stress.
I used to, however a mix of meditation, medication and self help (who can afford therapy these days?) Helps me cope with it and I have painstakingly carved out an appreciation for who I am and my family no longer has the ability to topple that.

However, it's not all sunshine and rainbows. Before this pandemic I was agoraphobic to some extent with bouts of extroverted tendencies that are pretty out of the blue.

I've had to do a lot of self guided education but honestly have too much social anxiety to go back to school, not after the bullying I went through in school and my attempts to go to college, from staff and pupils.

I really don't know what I even want to do with my life and so far the only things I can firmly commit to are parenting, my partner and ethics.

On the bright side; at least distance learning is probably gonna get more diverse but I feel like although I don't think I can make my way through the redtape and the social aspects of an onsite college degree, I still crave mentorship even though I have problems with authority and find it extremely difficult to feel mentored by anyone other than people long dead from their writings. I just feel like an alien even though I know plenty of people feel this way.

If I were to break the real problem down; I have a good idea of what I want to do to contribute toward the perpetuation of life long-term, with my writing.

Short term, I feel like I have so many interests I don't know what the hell I want to do and I feel bad for even having the choice where others don't due to the invisible hand of money and the hold that has over us all.

Anyway, thanks for asking. Sorry for the rant.
 
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