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MarlieeB

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I have to admit that this is the first time I have ever posted anything about myself on the getting my life back sub forum. Usually this part of the forum doesn't even cross my mind, especially this year when I never thought that there would even be a twinkle of light at the end of the long, dark tunnel.

2014 has been the worse year of my life but also one of the best. Now I know how that sounds but that is the case.

You see if you said to me even a couple of weeks ago I would type that I would of laughed in your face but it's true.

The reason why it's been the worse year is that mentally I've been in a very bad place but sometimes you need things to happen to you to make you the person who you are.

The year 2014 has been, without me knowing for 320 odd days of the year the year I finally found out who I actually am.

Now, I'm not typing this as MarlieeBee, I am typing this as Sarah *** the girl who one day may call herself a Bristolian and the next a Somersetter, she actually can't figure out which one she is. I'm a mix of both I guess.

For many years I pretended to be a person who I'm not just to please others but that made me not know who I am, until now.

That is why it's been the best year because it's the year I became me, the real Sarah. Yes, along the way there have been ups and mostly downs, I have made many mistakes, made many wrong decisions but sometimes, you need to make those mistakes and wrong decisions. Now I'm not saying that I am happy that I did those things, of course I'm not, I am deeply sorry and with certain things ashamed but I needed to do those things as part of learning who I am.

I have found people online and offline who for the first time have accepted me for being the person I actually am, quirks and all. For the people who haven't accepted who I am, that's their loss.

Now I am feeling good at the moment, feeling good gives me some perceptive, it makes me think of the quality of my life, the good qualities.

As I mentioned and as a lot of forum members have seen :redface: I've had bad year mentally but today I'm going to tell you about a dream come true I had that in the brink of depression I haven't thought of mostly.

I spent my 30th birthday in Orlando at Disney World. That has always been a dream of mine, to spend a birthday there and it was the best day of my life, it really is. I'm tearing up even thinking about it.

The reason why it was the best day of my life is simple. I went to my favourite park at Disney, Animal Kingdom. I went and saw many beautiful animals and I did things that I wanted to do, not others but for once things I wanted to do. I then went to a place called Fort Wilderness (which is basically a campsite on Disney property) and had the most amazing meal, got sung Happy Birthday and got a free cheesecake (It's the little things) For the first time of my life I let myself be centre of attention. I am usually the one who hides in the corner. The reason? It's simple. I was somewhere where no one knew me (well except my Mum, Brother and sister in law) and these people I would never see again.

After dinner I went and sat by a lake and watched the sunset. It was one of the most beautiful sites I have ever seen. I have so many photos of that sunset. My mum said later on that week that she could see that I was loving it and that was the first (of three) occasions, all on that trip that she saw that I was truly happy and at peace with myself and she said to me it brought a tear to her eye.

The other two happened a couple of days later when as a birthday present I went and had a character breakfast with my favourite character, The Mad Hatter. I didn't see at the times but I was so relaxed that I let myself come out and then at the end of the night I watched Wishes which was the most beautiful thing I have seen in my life. It was so beautiful I was crying at the beauty.

In the future, if I am having a bad day, I need to think of those moments.

Now enough of my ramblings, that wasn't meant to happen, it just did.

So I will end with........

2014, the year that both, shit got real and the year I finally became the person who I am.
 
TiredTina

TiredTina

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It was good to read about the real you Sarah, Im glad that you felt able to open up. I really hope that 2015 turns out to be a good year for you.

TT xx :hug1:
 
messymoo

messymoo

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Thanks for sharing Sarah I'm glad you had some wonderful moments amongst the depression. I really hope 2015 is a good year for you and you continue to grow in the ways you want and need to. :hug5: xxx
 
SomersetScorpio

SomersetScorpio

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I'm really pleased you decided to post here. :)
And thank you for sharing. Am very aware that times have been tough for you, but am also delighted to hear you feel you're becoming more true to who you really are.
Also, what a fabulous Birthday treat. Really made me feel all warm reading your experience and am so glad you had such a beautiful time and have those memories with you for life. :hug:
 
R

Rose19602

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Good to read something positive. Sounds like a real turning point for you.
Long may it continue to improve and clarify!
x
 

MarlieeB

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I was reading this back and it's interesting.

Around Christmas I crashed again and it lasted about 2 and a half months. I'm now climbing back up, actually I do feel great, honestly I do.

I started CBT in January, at first I thought it was a pile of poop but I kept on at it and finally about 3 weeks ago it all clicked. I am lucky that I got a great therapist who gets me. I never thought that would actually happen.

It's up and down, it's a struggle at times but it's part of the mold of who I am.
 
Jimny

Jimny

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I really enjoyed reading this, very inspirational. I too feel lost at the moment, I am so much better than I was and it has taken a great deal to even get to where I am.
Your description of your holiday and your birthday sounds so special, beautiful.
Great news on your therapy and therapist.
 
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