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Mum who competes on a MH level ....

Scared with BPD

Scared with BPD

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Nov 9, 2009
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Does anyone else out there have a really unhealthy relationship with their mum?

Mum always "suffered with her nerves" (good old seventies saying) throughout my childhood and I have memories of her pretending to leave us all, case packed, on many occasions. Otherwise it was pretty much continual loud arguments resulting in Mum crying and me from a very young age running between two rooms begging them both to become friends again. I absolutely hated it and even now cannot stand confrontation, albeit, I know I have a temper to rival the devil when I am pushed over that line! So, I was laughingly known as the peace-maker in our family and that has been my role ever since.

Since a very young age I was aware of when Mum was taking "happy pills" up around 4.00am and whizzing around joyful (guess things were much less sophisticated chemically in those days). In addition, Dad has always been anxious and because of that a shouter. He has been on Valium for as long as I can remember. Add to the mix, Mum's mum who was finally diagnosed as schizophrenic after we had had many years of phobias, falling out with neighbours because she had paranoia and believed things were happening when they weren't, guess you get the general picture.

So, when I'd left home at 17 and my flat-mate was moving down South, I didn't even think it odd that I had rationalised that if I got too lonely then I would kill myself. It seemed a great safety net and a totally practical solution. Of course, I never voiced it to anyone, found I still had a good social life and job and finally applied for a job in London in the Arts, got it and moved down.

Three years into my stay in London not only did the thought re-surface but I went ahead with such determination that I was actually punching the ambulanceman who was trying to put me on a stretcher when a friend back in Sheffield had realised I sounded strange on the phone and alerted them.
That was the beginning.

From 30 onwards I have tried many many times and these times my parents became aware. Obviously I have to live with the guilt of the fear they have suffered and I am very ashamed of that. What I have to say is peculiar is that when my husband, disloyally told Mum that I was raped at 15 to try and make her understand something about who I was, she started the competition.

Now everything to do with MH she competes about. I swear that if she could get her village GP to diagnose her with Professionally Accredited Personality Disorder to rival Borderline she would. Every conversation starts off with "how are you?" and within minutes I am either counselling her marriage or her relationship with my brother (who she has not spoken to for three months) or trying to sort out her head. I love her so dearly but when I am dragging along the bottom like I feel at the moment it is really hard.

There are days when I just want to shut off from the world, many days in fact. But I know I have to speak to her every day. If I do not then I am accused of being deliberately cruel as I should know that she assumes I have done something stupid. I often feel like I should apply for a BAFTA. I can say the most soothing, upbeat things and fantasise a positive spin on everything and then come off the phone and cry my eyes out whilst either getting back into bed or hitting the bottle.

Sorry everyone for droning on. I just wondered if there was anyone else who was any kind of similar situation?

Claire x
 
rollinat

rollinat

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Apr 24, 2008
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1,816
Not in a similar situation but just wanted to say hi - it sounds really hard work with your mum especially when you could do with some support from her. As I'm sure you're more than aware, we can't change others' behaviour but we can change our response to it - and maybe this is something you could look at? Do you see a therapist / counsellor / CPN who could help you? And here is a very good place to let off steam too - :welcome: and I hope to see you around soon. Take care :hug:

Edited to say - I see that you've posted a fair amount so aren't new - but don't think I've "talked" to you yet.
 
Scared with BPD

Scared with BPD

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Joined
Nov 9, 2009
Messages
362
Location
Within Four Walls
Thanks Rollinat

Yes, I guess I've been pretty prolific with the messages since I found this Godsend of a forum.

I know I cannot change her and she is in her seventies now so I have to tread very carefully. In some ways, I feel very sad that she was never allowed to have the treatment that is available nowadays, saying that, I am probably, as usual, defending her unjustly as she did see a Counsellor and told me afterwards they are useless, just make you cry and everyone has problems, you just have to get on with it and I have too much time on my hands that is why I can think about things. Maybe she's right, who knows.

Anyway, thanks for the vote of support.

Claire x
 
unlucky

unlucky

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My mum is an absolute nightmare!! As far as I know shes never had mental health problems (that she would admit to) but it was the same in my house. My dad drank quite a lot and although he was a very happy drunk my mum hated his drinking because she was so embarrassed by him.
My dad doesn't drink anymore and everyone in my family tows my mums party line, in other words she is always right and everyone else is always wrong!! I spoke up to her 3 weeks ago and shes not spoken to me since and shes told my dad she doesn't want me in the house. Yet I have to let my daughter go and stay with her on a Saturday and Sunday night!!
I won't stick up for my mum to anyone now (I used to) because I think although people say thats just her and shes not going to change it doesn't give her the permission to treat everyone around her like dirt. The result is that now I don't see any of my family because noone wants to rock the boat with my mum. Its a bloody nightmare.
Just wanted to let you know I can sympathise with you.:hug::flowers:
 
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