B
bethyboop
Member
Hi. I am new to this site, and I am not even sure if it is the forum for my problem, but let me explain, and I hope someone can offer some encouragement, help, advice or comments.
My Mum (58) has degenerated mentally (and physically) over the last approx 12 years. I was overseas for the first 6 years and didn't want to burn bridges whilst over there (my Mum is very proud and will not admit there is anything wrong with her).
When I came back from overseas, after 2 years of watching her deteriorate and the rest of the family speaking to her husband about doing something to help her/treat her (he won't do anything for fear of my Mum's wrath afterwards) I contacted her GP. They fell out with me because of this and didn't speak to me for 2 months (until I got burgled) but I managed to gather eventually that they had visited the doctor, who did not a lot and he would not communicate with me. Still no diagnosis and no help.
I have a lot going on in my own life and decided that I would accept that they wanted to do nothing, and was left feeling helpless. We carried on as if everything was OK, but it so obviously isn't. My Mum canot have a normal conversation, she is distracted constantly, very argumentative and defensive (unusually so), she stopped washing properly, she cannot cook or drive or walk unaided. She shouts at her husband and does a lot of 'fake' crying. She can do very little for herself these days. She acts as if she is dizzy and blames it all on being old. She is not old.
Anyway, this weekend just gone we all (Mum, StepDad, my partner, myself and step daughter) went to a holiday camp together and my Mum was worse than ever. She was actually spitting at her husband in public and coughing up her food in a restaurant, as well as all the shouting and moaning and public bad behaviour etc. Everyone presumes she is ill and asks what is wrong, but we can not say as we don't know! A carer we met said she thought possibly Parkinson's, but we can't be sure of that, of course.
I know what you're thinking - why have I never said 'what is wrong Mum?' Believe me, I have. She just shouts back saying 'nothing - what's wrong with you?!!' I have spoken to her husband, but he will not support action even though he knows there is something wrong and this isn't the woman he married. He is her carer - he cooks, does all the housework, and I am sure probably washes her - although neiither of them washed the 4 days we were on holiday (my Mum was always so well turned out before all this!). She doesn't drink when she's out as she cannot visit the toilet alone. She must be so dehydrated as she doesn't drink much anyway.
So, after seeing my Mum's condition this weekend I decided that I have to try to do something about this once and for all, whatever the fall out. So I called social services in their area and said I believe she is being neglected by her husband, which I think she is. I know they cannot go in there guns blazing without her consent, but she, in my opinion, cannot make this decision for herself. Her husband is about to lose it with her - how long can he take someone spitting at him in public?!
So, they said I have to write to my Mum saying that I have called social services so they can try to do something about it. They won't contact her without pre-warning. Goodness knows whether she will let them into her home, but I had to try didn't I? She will be upset with me, and I will just have to accept that if it means I have done everything in my power to try to help get my old Mum back if I can.
I have also written the worst letter I have ever had to write, which states basically that I love them both very much but cannot carry on enabling the situation where everyone pretends nothing is wrong, when there so obviously is. I have had to say that I will not be contacting them until they get some care/treatment for my Mum. And I know that sounds harsh but I cannot keep pretending (I was made disabled 2 years ago so I've got enough dealing with that) and seeing my Mum so unwell knowing nothing is being done to help her. I love her too much.
We are not sure what she has but I am pretty sure it is a neurological disorder, or more annoyingly it could be something as simple as a vitamin B12 deficiency! We have no idea if it is hereditary, or whether she has years, months or weeks to live!
Well, that's it - I needed to vent, and if anyone has a similar experience I'd appreciate hearing about it.
Thanks for reading this. x
My Mum (58) has degenerated mentally (and physically) over the last approx 12 years. I was overseas for the first 6 years and didn't want to burn bridges whilst over there (my Mum is very proud and will not admit there is anything wrong with her).
When I came back from overseas, after 2 years of watching her deteriorate and the rest of the family speaking to her husband about doing something to help her/treat her (he won't do anything for fear of my Mum's wrath afterwards) I contacted her GP. They fell out with me because of this and didn't speak to me for 2 months (until I got burgled) but I managed to gather eventually that they had visited the doctor, who did not a lot and he would not communicate with me. Still no diagnosis and no help.
I have a lot going on in my own life and decided that I would accept that they wanted to do nothing, and was left feeling helpless. We carried on as if everything was OK, but it so obviously isn't. My Mum canot have a normal conversation, she is distracted constantly, very argumentative and defensive (unusually so), she stopped washing properly, she cannot cook or drive or walk unaided. She shouts at her husband and does a lot of 'fake' crying. She can do very little for herself these days. She acts as if she is dizzy and blames it all on being old. She is not old.
Anyway, this weekend just gone we all (Mum, StepDad, my partner, myself and step daughter) went to a holiday camp together and my Mum was worse than ever. She was actually spitting at her husband in public and coughing up her food in a restaurant, as well as all the shouting and moaning and public bad behaviour etc. Everyone presumes she is ill and asks what is wrong, but we can not say as we don't know! A carer we met said she thought possibly Parkinson's, but we can't be sure of that, of course.
I know what you're thinking - why have I never said 'what is wrong Mum?' Believe me, I have. She just shouts back saying 'nothing - what's wrong with you?!!' I have spoken to her husband, but he will not support action even though he knows there is something wrong and this isn't the woman he married. He is her carer - he cooks, does all the housework, and I am sure probably washes her - although neiither of them washed the 4 days we were on holiday (my Mum was always so well turned out before all this!). She doesn't drink when she's out as she cannot visit the toilet alone. She must be so dehydrated as she doesn't drink much anyway.
So, after seeing my Mum's condition this weekend I decided that I have to try to do something about this once and for all, whatever the fall out. So I called social services in their area and said I believe she is being neglected by her husband, which I think she is. I know they cannot go in there guns blazing without her consent, but she, in my opinion, cannot make this decision for herself. Her husband is about to lose it with her - how long can he take someone spitting at him in public?!
So, they said I have to write to my Mum saying that I have called social services so they can try to do something about it. They won't contact her without pre-warning. Goodness knows whether she will let them into her home, but I had to try didn't I? She will be upset with me, and I will just have to accept that if it means I have done everything in my power to try to help get my old Mum back if I can.
I have also written the worst letter I have ever had to write, which states basically that I love them both very much but cannot carry on enabling the situation where everyone pretends nothing is wrong, when there so obviously is. I have had to say that I will not be contacting them until they get some care/treatment for my Mum. And I know that sounds harsh but I cannot keep pretending (I was made disabled 2 years ago so I've got enough dealing with that) and seeing my Mum so unwell knowing nothing is being done to help her. I love her too much.
We are not sure what she has but I am pretty sure it is a neurological disorder, or more annoyingly it could be something as simple as a vitamin B12 deficiency! We have no idea if it is hereditary, or whether she has years, months or weeks to live!
Well, that's it - I needed to vent, and if anyone has a similar experience I'd appreciate hearing about it.
Thanks for reading this. x
