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Multiple obsessions & compulsions [longread]

S

Snowflame

New member
Joined
Jul 17, 2019
Messages
3
Location
somewhere
Hello. Honestly, I don't know how to begin, so I'll start right away. I've been preparing this for a long time. It was really hard for me to convey all my feelings (or their absence) into words, but here we go, I guess.
Beware of the longread below!

I've been dealing with obsessions and compulsions all my life. My most persistent and powerful obsession is... well, it might sound really silly, stupid and downright laughable, and seriously, it's EMBARRASSING! but there it is: a fear of wanting to pee at inappropriate moment and, respectively, going to the toilet pretty often: usually when going out to somewhere or going back home (before leaving the building) or when I was in a stressful situation (almost all the time). What the most interesting is that it's not just a FEELING of wanting to pee, but there are actually... um, urine. It's like when I start worrying about wanting to pee, it appears. Consumption of water or other drinks has little to nothing to do with it. It's still unclear up to this day what caused it, but it looks like some neurological problem. And I don't know what came first - obsessive thought or the problem itself (but I think it's the latter). I've been having this one for as long as I can remember myself.

In my childhood, other obsessions were mostly about the cleanliness of my hands: I didn't like to touch something sticky and hard to wash off, clay, for example, because I was afraid of suddenly wanting to go to the toilet, or that some part of my body would feel itchy and if I don't do it, it will interfere with what I'm doing and I will be unable to do it (or anything at all). But it didn't stop me from playing at the yard near my house, touching soil, mud and tree bark, which were, of course, the opposite of "clean". 1 or 2 years ago these obsessions became worse and harder to manage. I've started to wash my hands after almost EVERYTHING: eating something, touching the floor, touching an even very slightly dirty or dusty object and etc. It's not only related to hands - I wipe my mouth every, every time after eating (even if it's one cookie). Moreover, I have a dog and there are times when he don't go to his potty pad and go to my bathroom instead and pee on the floor. So when I see it I become anxious about stepping on it accidentally. If it happens, my slippers will become dirty and if I step on the floor, it'll get dirty too! Just the thought of the possibility of such outcome drives me crazy!

Oh, and there were some obsessions about the order in which things are arranged. I can spend much time rearranging the order of things because it seems "wrong". And again, it didn't prevent me from throwing my toys all around the room when I was a kid. But now, it's hard for me to clean up my room because I'll have to move my things during it. I just imagine myself cleaning up everything, rearranging my things in different order, moving them to different places... And I want to just lay down on the floor, don't move, don't do anything, close my eyes and sleep, sleep, sleep so I won't see all the "chaos" and "imperfection" around me.

Another obsessive thought I have is about fear of freezing and getting sick as a result, or (if the weather is hot) that I'll feel too hot and won't be able to think of anything and interact with environment normally (?). Some time after finding out about this obsession, I had noticed that I feel quite a lot colder and freeze faster than before at the same weather. Similar thing with the hot weather. I've never had anything like that before. I always wore a bit thinner clothes than most people so that reaction to frost isn't normal for me. I'm scared... It's not normal to feel chills, put on a sweater and then suddenly feel intense heat. No matter what I did, I couldn't to revert back to how I should and have always reacted to the temperature. It's as if my mechanism controlling it suddenly broke down or something, adopted a false way of working and sticked to it or something, I can't really describe.

All those obsessions seriously interfere with my daily life and routine tasks. I was often told that the best way to get rid of them is to challenge them, think: "Is the undesirable outcome so scary as I imagine it to be?", then try not to surrender to your compulsions through positive self talk and sooo on. Sounds hard, but possible. And guess what?
I have obsessive thoughts about my thoughts, haha! ouch...
Soo yeah, I have obsessions about my way of thinking, my cognitive abilities. When learning something new, I feel anxious about myself learning it "wrong", not exactly as it's told or feel fear of not being able to grasp it at all. When recalling something, I'm afraid of not being able to do so correctly, at its fullest. When I'm reading a book, I have to read slower, sometimes re-reading a sentence multiple times to understand what I'm reading about in the first place. A feeling similar to "brain fog". A feeling as if my mind is chronically tired. And this would mean my memory is "bad", I'm "stupid" or it seems like I would subconsciously think that. And same as with the temperature obsession (I don't know how to call it so let's stop at that), looks like my cognitive abilities actually became worse: I can't remember almost any new information, my memory fails me (I have trouble recalling things; at first, it applied only to somewhat new information, but now it affects even my old childhood memories), I don't remember what I was thinking about just a while ago, it's hard to build a grammatically correct sentence (especially in speech), formulate what I actually want to say (I pretty often just forget the words I want to say or the thing I want to tell) and even understand what the other person is saying! (their speech is often heard as weird sounds making no sense, i.e. I often can't make out single words) (also please note that these aren't exclusive to my second language (English) and are also applicable to my first one (Russian) to the similar extent, even although my proficiency in English is lower)

I'm really scared. I don't know what to do... What I know for sure is that all of this may be because of an intense urge, a desire to control all circumstances and events in my life, to exclude any uncertainty or randomness. I'm thinking about it all now, but tomorrow, when I read what I had written yesterday, I'll probably feel ashamed of it, feel no power to continue fighting with obsessions, give up and escape reality again through video games, movies, anime and whatnot, though it'd be wonderful to live without constant worrying, obsessions and anxiety. But for now... Thank you for your time. I hope I explained everything clearly.
 
Inter Vivos

Inter Vivos

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 30, 2014
Messages
277
Location
UK
...I've been dealing with obsessions and compulsions all my life. My most persistent and powerful obsession is... well, it might sound really silly, stupid and downright laughable, and seriously, it's EMBARRASSING! but there it is: a fear of wanting to pee at inappropriate moment and, respectively, going to the toilet pretty often: usually when going out to somewhere or going back home (before leaving the building) or when I was in a stressful situation (almost all the time)...
It seems that you need to step down a level in order to understand. You write: "a fear of wanting to pee at inappropriate moment...", instead of wanting to pee at {an} inappropriate moment. People fear things no doubt, but in order to understand yourself, you need to see what it is you fear and deal with that. Also, you are being sustained by your body. The body tells you whether it appropriate to do something or not. When alerted by an urge to pee you should find a private place, a toilet if possible, if not a toilet then anywhere you are. If in the countryside then choose a safe place (instinct will guide you). If late at night and it is quiet in the street, pee in the gutter or up a lane or in an alleyway. Or wee against a wall or behind some bushes. Or knock on someone's door and ask to use their toilet. or visit a bar or restaurant or café, and use their toilets. You can always leave a tip for the service. If you excrete urine then you have been successful and the body has been served.
 
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