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Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
I might have what is called bipolar disorder but it is so much more complicated than that. When the bipolar is managed, there are other problems that come forwards to be dealt with. I have suicidal feelings often. I panic over my future. I have anxiety over many things. I feel I'm at crisis almost, most days. I'm one stubbed toe away from giving in, walking out the door, and keeping going until I don't know what. I feel suffocated daily. I pull myself through each day. I know how to take care of myself but I wish I would get better already. The pressure of benefit cuts is looming. I don't know how to prove I can't cope when I am coping, but only just.
 
V

Viktoria

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2014
Messages
2,276
I'm so sorry you're struggling so much. Are you being supported at all? And if so, do you feel understood?
I don't really know what to advice but big hugs to you and keep talking on here. Thanks for helping me even though you're so low yourself.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Helping you helps me. It's a little connection with someone else who feels the same. No I'm not getting professional support but there are people I can go to sometimes.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
I wish I could stop with the self pity. There are people in the world going through terrible things. I respect that I am not having it easy but I'm better off than many. I cry so much though and I'm so scared of losing control.
 
S

secretsurvivor1

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 27, 2013
Messages
306
Location
SW UK
It is not self-pity, it is medical symptoms. Please don't do anything desperate. If you are worried about benefits (I know this worry only too well), go to the Mental Health workers so that you have an up-to-date sick status. This has kept them off my back after gruelling independent medicals. But I had faith that I have an illness and I deserve the benefits I get. If I could work I would. Don't beat yourself with the label of "self-pitying" as that is a guilt trip which is no help at all.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
I don't have any professional support at all secretsurvivor. Nothing. I hate them all. They messed me up good and proper.

I am ill thank you for saying that. I am depressed. Whether it be from bipolar or life it is here. I think the bipolar low mood I have always unless high, leaves me in a state of manageable despair.

Another day to get through. Tired. Stomach hurts from last nights crying.
 
Kerome

Kerome

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 29, 2013
Messages
12,750
Location
Europe
Maybe do something nice and relaxing for a bit. I totally understand you when you say, "helping you helps me". But mornings should be beautiful and relaxed, there is no need to stress. Hope you have a decent day.

Many hugs :hug:
 
V

Viktoria

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2014
Messages
2,276
What professional help have you tried? The CMHT? Do you have friends or family to fall back on? It must be very tiring to go through this on your own. Keep posting how you feel. Maybe we can try and help you through the worst of it. Big hugs xxx
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
Relaxing and beautiful. I was at the farm shop very early. I bought some bits for a party I'm having at my flat next month. I came home and had planned to go for a walk but just stayed in.

There are reasons to die but I can't. I'm going hour by hour. Depression or life I don't know. Life has been hard and I have sickening memories every day. I feel damaged by what has happened to me.

I must keep trying.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
My lamotrigine is starting to kick the depression. That overdose really toyed with my mood for a while there. Back to normal. Normal is distressed and tearful! Better one then both.

Don't complain
Don't explain
Good advice
 
L

limichelle32

Active member
Joined
Dec 31, 2014
Messages
44
Golden,
I know what you mean about some professionals some can be very detached from empathy when it comes with working with us. There are some really good ones however that truly can help. There are always going to be bad days but having a bad day everyday is not a quality of life. That's where people who know what they are doing come in to help you get your life back! There is hope! I know easier said but it's true when you hit the bottom the only way out is up. So things will get better! I know you can find a good doctor or counselor out there.
Lisa
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
I willl never see any again. Not even counsellor. They are liars, cruel, hateful and pushed me to repeated suicide attempts. I was laughed at, yelled at, lied about, ignored, cut off mid sentence and he left my bedside mid sentence and shouted she can go and walked off. I was taken off my meds and then they wrote I refused to take them which is a lie. I was in hospital in Greece as was hypomanic on holiday but then went too high and was admitted. Put on a mood stabiliser and they said had bipolar disorder. I came home and they stopped the mood stabiliser cold turkey as I told you as they said I don't have it. They eventually gave another antidepressant and saw me. This was two years later. I'd already been given a bipolar diagnosis years before but each new person was diagnosing me instead of helping. Of fifty plus staff maybe eight were decent to me. I have been through a nightmare that sees me crying several times a day and I can barely leave my home seven years since it began. I have bipolar disorder but no Dr ever. I have pip coming up and no proof of my pain. I went from working and living full time to wanting to die full time. This is becsuse of the nhs. My mum and sister saw it too. Not all of it but they say keep away or else you will die. My life is ruined forever. No wedding or kids for me. No holidays. No money and no peace. Please don't assume I'm being over sensitive because if I wasn't so strong I'd be dead.
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
One Dr on a ward asked if I was pregnant. I said I didn't know. She said take your knickers off and well I won't describe but I felt like I'd been raped. I was given a morning after pill when manic.
 
V

Viktoria

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 11, 2014
Messages
2,276
I'm so incredibly sorry you have this horrible experience and I can relate. In that sense I'm lucky I'm not in the UK at the moment but I've been through similar things as what you describe when I lived there.
How are you feeling today?
 
G

Golden

Well-known member
Joined
May 3, 2015
Messages
208
Location
Norwich
I'm going to be ok Viktoria I'm just very damaged. I ended up six months in hospital. I was delusional. I had only one psychotic experience in my early twenties. A few depressions but nothing severe. Never a suicidal thought. 29 I was manic but in York having the time of my life. Came home mute and exhausted. Dr gave me antidepressant and I was very ill. My boyfriend at the time ran a mile unable to take it on.

Much more to tell but that's the basics. They kept saying I had narcissistic pd then histrionic then schizophrenia then bipolar then major depression then schizophrenia again. My uncle and my mum's dad have bipolar disorder. It's not that difficult.

I didn't argue the diagnoses. I was too ill be thinking about it but each one I had they would treat me differently. With schizophrenia I received immediate attention. With narcissistic personality I was the most hated.

I'm a quiet, kind, patient, sweet, loving, generous person. No violence ever. Good morals and good Christian. Polite. Respectful. I'm nothing special but I'm a nice person. My family and friends love me and I love them. I see we are all the same from road sweeper to queen. All equal. I have depressions and that is that. Mania is rare. I have brain depression as passed to me but I also have a damaged soul now. I look awful now but I was pretty and slim. I had long wavy brown hair. I dressed nicely. Big smile. I think that might be why I was treated that way. Too posh a voice perhaps? They felt intimidated so assumed I was superior. Looks mean nothing but some women hate you for it. The first consultatant looked at me with hatred and we'd never met.

And on it went.
 
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