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Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

That definitely sounds very challenging :eek:

In fact without guidance - I would most likely sit in complete but extremely uncomfortable silence :)

Myself and Catherine do a lot of talk about putting a feeling into what I'm describing. She might say - what's the feeling within you when you say that...and where do you feel it in your body?

I still find this difficult to be honest - but coming up on 3years weekly - she knows me almost better than I know myself.....

So she will guide me very carefully around difficult issues and she knows straight away if the pace is too fast and she will slow it down.

Working together for so long has allowed us to read each other very well.....

Maybe in time, yourself and John will find a meeting point where ye are both comfortable..

Good luck and keep us posted

:hug:
 
blacksmoke

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Hi Poppy

That definitely sounds very challenging :eek:

In fact without guidance - I would most likely sit in complete but extremely uncomfortable silence :)

Myself and Catherine do a lot of talk about putting a feeling into what I'm describing. She might say - what's the feeling within you when you say that...and where do you feel it in your body?

I still find this difficult to be honest - but coming up on 3years weekly - she knows me almost better than I know myself.....

So she will guide me very carefully around difficult issues and she knows straight away if the pace is too fast and she will slow it down.

Working together for so long has allowed us to read each other very well.....

Maybe in time, yourself and John will find a meeting point where ye are both comfortable..

Good luck and keep us posted

:hug:
Gosh yeah that reminds me when I did the personal development sessions a wee while ago. And I used to think what the chopsticks does she mean - feelings- no idea what she meant . I just used to shut down it was too much. so I have come a long way I guess..
The signature I use is so apt really as there was no way I could go back but I couldn’t go forwards either – so much has changed but it has taken a wee while
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Hi Poppy

That definitely sounds very challenging :eek:

In fact without guidance - I would most likely sit in complete but extremely uncomfortable silence :)

Myself and Catherine do a lot of talk about putting a feeling into what I'm describing. She might say - what's the feeling within you when you say that...and where do you feel it in your body?

I still find this difficult to be honest - but coming up on 3years weekly - she knows me almost better than I know myself.....
Hi Shadow,
I think I may have posted this before but I can tell you when you talk about where do you feel this and what does it feel like

http://www.pnas.org/content/pnas/suppl/2013/12/26/1321664111.DCSupplemental/pnas.201321664SI.pdf

These bodies turned my life round when it come to talking about emotions

http://www.pnas.org/content/pnas/early/2013/12/26/1321664111.full.pdf

This is the full article...

and just out of the ordinary...
Emotional Body – Kea0

They have some interesting ideas if it's your sort of thing...

take care, I'm trying hard not to be silent..................
 
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Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Week 3 EP.
An hour certainly goes fast when you have absolutely no idea about what you are supposed to be talking about and you waffle a lot.

Not sure I'm getting this?
It all feels too superficial, too unstructured, too easy.

Nothing hurts, there's no emotion, no questions, no interaction, I feel like a lost ship.

Occasionally he asks something but it doesn't have any depth, I can bat it off with a pat answer,
In the end I plumped for some guidance, so idea of structure, what I want/need to achieve out of this.
Next week we are going to have more of an equal talk I'm determined, I need some input from him, some idea about what he thinks about what I've said, some actual awareness that he's listening.

I've yet to make eye contact while we talk, Steve forced me into that position by where we sat John's set up is more relaxed side on, it means I don't have to look out for him watching me, which lets me get out of jail free when I don't want to talk.

Really not sure this is me, but we have set a 3month time limit until review, then see what happens.

Until next week. X
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

I'm very unsure what I think of your therapy..

The idea of not getting feedback definitely would worry me.... I would hate not knowing my part in the 'role play' but in saying that..... too many things frighten me....

Keep us posted Poppy.

You always sound so sure of what you need....

I envy you........in a good way

:hug:
 
Poppy2014

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Hi all,

It's been a very strange month since I last wrote. I have had 1 more session of therapy as I had to cancel 2 due to being in hospital.
The strange thing is I had no feeling about cancelling them, I wasn't bothered. Not Like Steve where going 2 weeks made me anxious. I'm not sure if that means this is the wrong therapy or that this is because I'm a lot stronger than I thought.

Until yesterday, I had my first neuro-psychotherapy session and in 45 minutes she made me cry, stop, think and worry. Something I've not done in the sessions with John. They have been much more gentle, just off loading rather than therapy.

Kirsty is the first real female therapist I've worked with, with the intent of staying for a 20 week session, she is not going to be the spare who I go to when my male therapist is off. This in itself feel different. But she did the one thing no one else has done, she homed in directly on my relationship with my mum and wanted to deal with that... nothing like building up to things.
The thing that worried me and something we need to talk about is a comment she made at the end of the session where she said we have 20 sessions and I'm okay with that, but she followed up with I need to think about what I'm going to do with you after that. When I asked what she meant she said you are going to need long term psychotherapy, this is not a short term problem.
I told her I didn't want this, she said to be fair, I don't think it's about what you want it's about what you need. We are going to have a long discussion about rights and choices....

But I know that I cannot have 2 therapists in conjunction, so I need to see what I prefer and make a decision about John or Kirsty.
Oh well, I suppose it's a good decision to have.
 
blacksmoke

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Heloooooa! Poppy hey that sounds interesting. Sometimes we cant see the changes when we are still in the thicket. Ah so the neuro psychotherapy is also a session?

Ah Kirsty sounds radical no build up as otherwise you start brick laying lol! Gosh bit of a surprise then Poppy reg the long haul. John from what you say sounds safe whereas Kirsty seems a lot more radical. Indeed what a choice!

hope things are ok on the physical front as you mention a hospital stay
 
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Poppy2014

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Helloooo back.
I'm sorry I haven't been around much, I wouldn't have been any use to anyone though.
I've been admitted twice over the past 4 weeks, I rolled over in bed and fir want of a better description as I said to M. I've broken my groin... and I think my back.
One went pop/snap the other went crack.
Urgent admission as leg numb, other bits numb and no sensations when they banged me with tendon hammers and stuck me with needles..
Urgent MRI for horrible things with spinal surgeons on standby if scan was positive.
Thankfully it was only half positive and they were hoping with lots of drugs and crutches I'd be able to get away with surgery.
(They forgot to scan the groin, well they scanned the wrong one)
2 weeks on morphine, diazepam, baclafen, triptins, codeine, paracetamol, things to stop me being incontinent, and God knows what else I finally started to feel better only to wake up one morning last week with no sensation in both feet and other things that meant another stay and urgent MRI.
Again it's still not completely broken, I've got a disc that is bulging into my spinal nerves but does move if I sit properly, means I'm back on stupid pills and have to be careful.
It just so happened that Johns appointments were on both days I was admitted.

Kristy was funny. She wasn't the one who assessed me, apparently that one felt I would be too strong willed for her and Kirsty would be a better fit.
She wanted to go through a few things that Becky had written and then asked some general background stuff, she homed in straight away on the change in tone with my mum and when I gave a very brief synopsis she looked stunned and then asked how I hadn't killed her. Good question, right on my wavelength, but it was time to stop and she was really worried we'd stopped on something bad, but I'm okay with what we talked about, it's what's coming that freaks me.
You see this is what I wanted to do with John, but we are nowhere near there and we never seem to get anywhere, he is just someone who us lovely to offload the crap with, I just can't see how therapy is going to work with him, where straight away I knew that Kirsty got it.
She knew I didn't want to pussyfoot around that I need to deal with things outright.

I'd like to keep John as an off loader, he seems useful for that, it's just separating the 2 and to put the final nail in after 3years and 7 months and 2 complaints I finally have a CMHT appointment to see if I want to do EMDR.
it reminds me of the phrase
Buses, don't see one for ages then 3 come together.

How are you doing?
I do pop in just haven't had the nounce to say anything xxx
 
blacksmoke

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Gee Poppy that’s is absolutely dreadful. A nightmare.. are you getting any better on the physical side?

Gosh Poppy what a dreadful time of it all round. Well Kirsty sounds like the full metal jacket. Truth be told I just talk to the counsellor I see …but its useful keeps the lid from….

Yeah off loading is such a valid and valuable thing its really helped me to talk things through to make sense of them or to even know that there is content there.

Things are okish …beers come in handy at times….and the garden what would I do without the garden…listening to 3 baby collies next door at me mothers just now. in

its strange as i never had much to say about anything much until more recently as in 2 years ago i guess i needed to divert my attention to manage things...not usually mch of a rabbit normally lol
 
Poppy2014

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Please continue to rabbit, you have been with me right from the beginning, do you realise we have been rabbiting for 2 years now!!!! and I can't thank you enough xx

So week 2 with Kirsty happened yesterday, I am as confused now as I was with S but I can honestly say there will be no comparing the 2 therapies.
I'm battered and bruised and we only covered birth to 26
I had to give her 1 thing from every year, the first thing that hit me emotionally, no thinking just go for it.
(Some years were so bad I had 3 choices as I couldn't say this was worse than that or this was better than that was worse if you know what I mean

Similarly to S I asked about writing but because she's NHS I'm not allowed to send her anything, everything is in the session or not at all.
This is going to be weird as writing is my way of processing information and asking the questions I wouldn't think of at the time, or giving answers to questions that maybe I couldn't do in the session but I suppose this is how normal therapy happens...
I'm still unsure what to do with John as I think after yesterday I'll need an off load even more. I felt myself going up in the air the other day and struggled to bring it down.
However even in a meeting my PhD supervisor said he was proud about hoe I'd kept it together when things were going so wrong due to another person.. going off track because it hurts.

In other news my leg scan was better than expected and show I'm healing well. My spine MRI is showing minimal signs of improvement and thanks to pain meds I'm sleeping for 3-4 hours now.
My knee on the other hand... fill in the expletives
9 months I've been in pain, I've done splint, injection, splint again, walking brace, leg strapping, all to no avail.
Yesterday I told the surgeon I was fed up we were no further on than originally and I had had 2 more injuries returning me to crutches and if there was nothing he was going to do I was going to say that's it.
I'm sick of seeing Dr's.
Surprisingly he said to me, well you initial MRI showed this damage and this damage and this so can I send you for xrays today..
Upshot is I need a new kneecap as it us fubar and I need a clear up of tendons, and other bits and pieces in my knee. I've been referred to another surgeon.

I give in

I'm supposed to be going out tonight and I don't want to.
I've got my PhD part 1 viva on the 8th and couldn't give a shit
I've 2module handbooks to write and have no interest and I'm ducking sick of people messing my mandatory training up.
Other than that
I am well and truly fed up.
 
blacksmoke

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Hey Poppy gosh is it 2 years gee time sure goes by .

Yeah the different styles of sessions not a bad thing really and I think it will be good for you to have a different perspective. And will highlight a different way of ‘dealing with stuff’ between sessions a kind of weaning off from the tried and tested way.

Sounds full on Poppy and yeah I do get why you do the writing, I think,. Writing gives you space. But it also is a rehearsal for what you are going to say which is ok for a season and you are now through that season. Yep the lessons get tougher!

As for John only you can decide …for me I think it may muddy the water but I aint you .. and it seems you are making progress ….phD super noticed..

Gee the physical stuff still sounding grim. Gee all these manuals does anybody read these lol! Well I do hope that you have lots of royalties in the future Poppy
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

Gosh you have really been through the mill :(

They are really terrible injuries that you have. You must be in agony... And doing a PhD and working - I honestly don't know how you keep going..

Kirsty definitely sounds like your type of therapist :) You need someone to challenge you and push you to talk even when you really don't feel like it!

I'm more of a mix of John & Kirsty.... Catherine is great for pushing me - but only when she feels I'm ready to handle it and at that we move very slowly so as not to re-traumatise.... However we have had our up's and downs.... Our butting heads.....but it's only because of the trust I have in her that I can risk a challenge even when it would really only seem to be a very minor issue to someone else..

I'm with blacksmoke in relation to John/Kirsty.. I also wonder would the waters be muddied. Also it could be easy (for me anyway) to play them off each other when the situation suited me :whistle:

Anyway I hope you're improving physically Poppy and keep us posted on the therapy..

:hug:
 
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B

Butterfly1812

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Hi Poppy

Apologies if you've been asked before, but what therapy did you have to help treat your bpd? And are you or have you engaged in other therapies? Is there any you recommend?

Thanks
Sophie
 
Poppy2014

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Hi Poppy

Apologies if you've been asked before, but what therapy did you have to help treat your bpd? And are you or have you engaged in other therapies? Is there any you recommend?

Thanks
Sophie
Hi Sophie
If you look a few pages back from this I had a blog called getting through the day 24hours at a time.
That catalogued my journey from a really bad place in my life to going to therapy called CAT (cognitive analytical therapy) I was fortunate enough to be able to pay for it as the waiting list is horrendous as so few CAT therapists work in the NHS.
For me CAT changed my life, as much as I cried, worried, hated the end I can say it has changed me and given me so much in terms of stepping back, thinking, coping and living.

But in order of having a go
I did CBT which was no use, then REBT which gave me some thinking skills
I did emotional recognition and started DBT with some mindfulness but the DBT and mindfulness were as bad as the CBT. The ER work was brilliant as I finally learned to speak emotions and to understand what people meant if they said happy or sad. I still use this today.

The first 2 I had at a NHS pain clinic and with Crisis and Home intervention unit.

The second set with occupational health at work

CAT was private

I met John who is a humanistic therapist as my CAT therapist said I needed to learn how to be open from.the start, but it's just not clicking (this is private) and I don't know if it's just the therapy or the therapist I'm not clicking with.

But now I've just started Neuro psychotherapy which is something to do with life span therapy and I can say she has homed in on more in 2 weeks than I have let in with John in 7. I think I'm going to have to say goodbye to John tomorrow as I need to focus on Kirsty.
Apparently there is a strong link between BPD and emotional and physical pain. Kirsty feels I no longer fit the criteria for BPD but at times I fall back into it.
but neither CAT or Neuro psychotherapy are bothered by the diagnosis, it does not play a part in therapy. In fact in the 48 sessions I had with S he only mentioned BPD once and narcissistic once.
It really helps when the focus is on you as you are not with what you have got.
So if you have the funds and its not inexpensive (around£75 per 50 minute session for CAT) but is usually 16-24 sessions my gut would say go there forget DBT (although some find it amazing!)

And my philosophy is as a family we blow that sort of money going out for lunch on Sunday(apologies I know not everyone can do this) we decided to use that Sunday lunch as my therapy money.
(My son and daughter learned how to cook mean Yorkshire puddings...)

I am happy to talk if you want, just yell or pm me
Take care
Poppy.
 
Poppy2014

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Hi Shadow,
Welcome back, lovely to hear from you, I hope things are settling a little.
I hope you don't mind but one if my very good friends has been diagnosed with CFS/ME along side her fibro and was having a particularly crap day, some bright spark quoted at her "you only have to put your mind to something and you will succeed", just sitting there moping isn't going to help" ..
Nice friends
Anyway I sent her your tag line back...which I think is quite apt on some days like ours.

I've made the decision to stop seeing John, it doesn't feel like we are getting anywhere and I seem to spend most of my time talking to him about medical illnesses and explaining these. I see enough Drs and Physios to explain that to and I agree I don't want muddy waters.
I saw the neurologist yesterday and he was clearly happy that the Neuro psychological team as said to keep me on as apparently 50% only make it past 3 appointments as they feel there isn't enough to work with.
I told him mine said she wanted to send me elsewhere after the 20 sessions and he said the clinic has long term therapists who are different to Kirsty who is a short term interventionist.
My knee consultant who is referring me to another knee consultant said it would be a few weeks due to annual leave, the appointment is on Thursday he fitted me in urgently. Scary...
 
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