Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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HR havs advised to take a formal grievance out against my boss. I'm seriously not sure I have the cope to do it.
Im worried about using something that will get me fired if i keep going to work and its messing with my head constantly.
Im just so overwhelmed i havent been is bad for about 5 years
I even reached out to Steve to see if he could see me once to get some perspective, but ive not had a reply so i presume the answer is no
I'm going to Dave as i need to settle with someone i know as I'm supposed to start EMDR on the 25th and there is no way i can in this mind set.
Why do some bosses think it's okay to screw with you just because they didnt like to hear the truth about their perfect little world.
 
S

so sad

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I'm so sorry Poppy.

What has he done/said? Would it help to write it out on here?

Is EMDR definitely off the table? Such ma shame when you've waited so long but you do need to me in the right space for something like that.

Huge hugs xx
 
G

Girl interupted

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First, get to whatever therapy will give you some stability. Do not take any action until you’ve fully and honestly discussed this in a safe space, including an honest view of your own actions.

I’ve been in this position and it sucks. It feels like if you go ahead and complain, they will use it as evidence to let you go. Recognize that you are not thinking clearly right now. I get that it feels unbearable and like you have no options; fight or flight. This is not the case.

You need to first deescalate, then see if things are still the same. He sounds like a shitty boss who is seeing you weak and instead of being empathetic is cranking up the pressure.

Do not let him win.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Thanks.
The answer is I dont know done because he wont say.

But take you back to the beginning.
A week last Thursday i received a message from my line manager P.
She needed to see me urgently and i was not to leave uni unitil she had spoken to me.
I went to see her and she told me that manager B had been to see manager C and told her to find a new lead for adult nursing effective immediately. He then emailed P and told her to let me know i was no longer lead for adult nursing.
No explanation as to why.
During the conversation she did say it was about a comment i made a departmental team meeting.

P said i was to carry on in the role until September and guide the new field lead. I said fine and left.

Role onto last Thursday, P phoned me in the office and told me a new lead had been found and i was to give up role effective immediately after i had handed it over (tomorrow).
Still no explanation as to what i actually did wrong.
By now it was playing on my mind and i started winding up.
Which eventually led to the stupid on Thursday night.

I spent all weekend fretting working myself into you are stupid mode.

One of the other leads K went to discuss this with B, and was explicitly told it was nothing to do with her and when asked why he had taken this decision, was told he did not like the way i spoke in the meeting.

I have reflected, spoken to colleagues in the meeting, and no one said i said anything out of order. I was not rude, aggressive or said anything that suggested i was not a team player. The nearest i got was you were passionate about our staffing problems and he didnt like it when you refused to back an to him.

So it appears I have been demoted, with no explanation, no chance defend myself, and to hear derogatory comments from other staff my supposed behaviour.

HR and the union say i have a grounds bullying at work grievance, along this my workload model went in with 2700 hours on it 1200 over the limit. He took a red pen and removed some stuff to make it .(a secondary issue)

So thats it a job that ive done for 3.5 years with no complaints has been taken away from me because our best guess is he didnt like me him a straight answer.

And I'm just /sad/fuming/ distressed.
And i behaved stupidly.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Ok that sounds absolutely illegal.

File the complaint.

Employee standards vary from country to country, but basic tenents are that a boss is obligated to tell an employee what they’ve done wrong so that they can correct the behaviour. Then there has to be several more disciplinary talks with a clear outline of what was done wrong, before any talk of demotion. The typical count is three of those talks, but it can vary from country to country.

Do you belong to a union? I’d call them over HR. If not, file with HR. Your boss’s boss can then deal with him. And my guess if he’s bullying you, he’s doing it to others, too. Bring your performance reviews to the HR/union meeting.

Do not roll over on this. He’s counting on that.
 
G

Girl interupted

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I’m sitting here flipping furious for you. I’ve been in your position and frankly there are insecure assholes in this world. They pounce when they sense they can get away with it, like a typical bully. A coward at heart.

But I also get that it’s terrifying to consider a formal complaint. It takes high reserves of resiliency, which is hard to come by for bpd, and especially when you’ve been dealt a blow.

Do you think you can do it? Can you find therapy while you are doing it?

Have you talked with other staff to see if they’ve been bullied too? There’s strength in numbers.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Thanks, I'm in a union, they also said to bring the grievance, we have 2 options at our work, meditation and formal. Both HR union have said formal.
Yes he has done this before, one of my colleagues is currently off sick and has been for 3 months, (she had a disciplinary on Monday) where much the same words were used as the basis for this).

However she counter claimed saying due process had not been followed and B is under investigation for this.
If i filed it would make her case stronger and lend credence to mine.
K will also support me as she has an email trail.

But and its a big BUT.my probationary appraisal is due on the 12th to see if i am working at the level ive been promoted to for the past 12 months, and I'm worried he will use this to say no and demote me back a grade. Taking a grievance may just tip him over the edge.
 
S

so sad

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Hi Poppy

I really do think you need to make this formal. Surely if you raise a formal grievance, he can't be the one to decide on your probationary appraisal - that would be grossly unfair.
Could you ask the union their thoughts on it?
I can't believe what idiots people can be - he sounds like a complete bully and a control freak.

Good luck with it Poppy

x
 
G

Girl interupted

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Thanks, I'm in a union, they also said to bring the grievance, we have 2 options at our work, meditation and formal. Both HR union have said formal.
Yes he has done this before, one of my colleagues is currently off sick and has been for 3 months, (she had a disciplinary on Monday) where much the same words were used as the basis for this).

However she counter claimed saying due process had not been followed and B is under investigation for this.
If i filed it would make her case stronger and lend credence to mine.
K will also support me as she has an email trail.

But and its a big BUT.my probationary appraisal is due on the 12th to see if i am working at the level ive been promoted to for the past 12 months, and I'm worried he will use this to say no and demote me back a grade. Taking a grievance may just tip him over the edge.

No, it means they will be watching any decision making he does that much closer. He will have to have full documentation to support any verbal recommendations he makes. He cannot do B&W thinking without showing that he took steps to correct behaviour. And he hasn’t done that.

Additionally I do not find it surprising he’s done it to someone else. There may be even more.

If both HR and union are saying formal, that’s rare. They typically are on opposite sides.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Thinking about you today. Hope you’re ok.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Hi
Thank you, it finally got to me yesterday, i ended up being sent home from work / via hospital with a hemiplegic migraine. I couldn't open my eyes, speak, lost sensation in my right side of face, my right arm and leg, the symptoms are the same as a stroke.
I still have residual symptoms even now which is rare as they should have resolved after 24 hours. Have spoken to Dr and if still there tomorrow have to go back into hospital.

However it did finalise the decision, and i am going to submit the grievance, i am not going to let this be the final chapter.
He has no right to make so stressed that i end up needing hospital care to make sure i haven't had a stroke.
 
G

Girl interupted

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You are brave and you are strong.

You got this.

Xo
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Well after Thursday's symptoms and a weekend from hell. I thought long and hard, and yesterday I submitted my formal complaint. I have a meeting the next 10 days.
Feeling sick but absolutely sure this is the right thing to do.
Thank you for your support.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Thanks for the update. Oddly, I was thinking about you today.

It won’t be easy, but you can tell yourself that you are not alone, and that by doing this you are helping others not brave or strong enough to speak up.

You can always come back here and vent. I will get out the Pom Poms and cheer you on. Xo
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Hey Poppy

How are things with you now?

Have you had your interview for the job yet? It sounds like you have as good a chance as anyone, as you said nobody has the exact experience they're looking for.

I feel you're always striving for a goal poppy. Hope you don't mind me saying that as mean it in a very positive way....but you are often studying for something or applying for something....and I guess because I just couldn't imagine it at all......I think you're great!

Are you finished with your female therapist now (can't remember her name) but you mention finding a short term person so I was wondering...

Would love to hear how things are with you..

Do you mind if I ask if you still are suffering (only real description) with your BPD? I am really going downhill Poppy - I no longer see any way past it.

Hope you're well and I'd love to hear how you are if you feel like posting :hug:
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Hi Shadow,
Haven't seen you around for a while, so I was wondering how things were.
So to answer your questions,

I pulled out of the job, in the end I decided I didn't want the extra stress of trying to learn a lot of new things while stuck in the middle of the PhD.
I have just finished collecting my data for the PhD and all that's left now is a few interviews and start writing.

Yes I finished work with Kirsty, can't honestly say it was my favourite therapy and as we could only have 20 sessions it seemed daft to start something which she knew we wouldn't be able to finish, although she has said I can go back again next year for another 20 sessions...

It's been a really hard time recently, I ended up filing a formal grievance against the head of school for bullying and harassment and failing to follow due process. The stress culminated in me being really ill last week and that cemented the decision for me to make the complaint.

I'm seeing one of my "old" therapists, Dave tomorrow for a decompression session, to try and come to terms with everything that has happened recently, my mum did her usual spectacular guilt trip, I drove for the first time in anger and nearly died as a consequence and then work on top all make for a very messy head. I've also acquired a person who I work with every fortnight at university just to let things out there.

On top of this I start EMDR therapy on Monday and I can honestly say this is terrifying me, I don't know why this more than anything else, but I have palpitations just thinking about it.
Again Eamonn, has said we will start at 20 sessions and go from there. Looking at time out for leave and things it's looking like Christmas before it's going to be over at the earliest.

Am I still suffering.... I wouldn't say that in the general day to day life I am, but if things go off kilter and I get over whelmed then yes there are times when I lose the ability to think/do rationally. But I can recognise that I'm not thinking straight even if I can't stop myself because it hit too fast. I'm good with slow builds I can pull out of those but "hurricanes" not so good at.

In order to protect myself I have been open with a few colleagues at work, about 10 now know what I have and when I'm going off the rails can pull me back or stop me doing/saying things that will cause problems. Or I can go to them and say I need help.

I can truthfully say the work I did with Steve, was the turning point, all the work before had it's place but wasn't the right therapy, and although I really like Dave and John I was able to manipulate them, they weren't the right therapists for what I needed.

Is that something you are with, I know you wouldn't be without Catherine, but is she really doing you any favours by letting you stall for so long? This is what the problem with John was, he let me go over the same thing without working out an answer, where Steve pushed and pushed and wouldn't let me hide, Dave and John were much softer and this made me feel significantly more fragile and damaged. Steve gave for the most part as good as he got, he made me answer for my errors, and made me look at my faults, he didn't give me a pass because I had BPD.

One of the things that stuck was Steve telling me BPD was a collection of letters that someone had decided made a "disorder" because they couldn't think of anything else and knowing that you have BPD isn't necessarily a good thing, because it's not "you" it's a symptom and can be cured if treated correctly.

I think there will always be times when I fall off the straight and narrow and allow the symptoms to become an illness again, but hopefully as I learn to recognise these more the illness will get less and less and the acute phase shorter and shorter.

I'm so sorry that you feel like you are out of control, is it possible to do what I did and blog it down every day, or week, just so you can see if there are any particular things that set you off.
You know where I am if you ever want to chat just drop me a line, take care Shadow xxx
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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yorkshire
Hi,
Had decompression therapy, was good to Dave, feeling more setted and happy with decisions. Worried about starting EMDR on Monday but also looking forward to getting through it.
Hoping to hear from the complaint next week.
So I suppose im a mixed bag really.
Looking forward to the end of next week when i put my out of office on for 5 whole weeks.