Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Week 3 with Kirsty.
I know why I don't like working with females.
3 for 3, I cried once in 48 weeks with S and she is 3 for 3.
I can't stand sympathy I absolutely detest empathy and she makes me cry just by saying as anyone asked you how you felt about it all. Oh and I hate crying. Especially in front of women, this is not boding well for the future.
However, she hits exactly where it hurts and has promised me that after next week she will show me how to climb down off the ceiling without breaking anything else.
It's not been so bad this week at least I'm semi-sensible by Sunday where as last week I was shattered right up to the next session and all I have had to do is pick 1 thing every year that caused distress. That was hard enough, I mean how can I decide whether trying to kill myself, the first time is worse than having therapy pulled from under me with no warning.
Or whether being battered by your boyfriend is worse than being used as collateral damage by your parents but 1it was and 1 it stayed except for 3years when I could not possibly chose so she let those stand
4more years left to do, then we can start the work.
Apparently going over these trauma memories time and time again will make them stop hurting when I learn that I was not responsible. Oh happy days. 17 weeks suddenly never felt so long. ( well 19 she's on 2 weeks annual leave after next week)
It's bloody painful I can tell you that. Emotional pain scores nearly as high as physical pain scores. So if the nurse says what's your pain on a score of 1-10 I'm going to say 17 I'm adding them both together.
Tonight I hurt. A lot.
 
blacksmoke

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Hey Poppy this is exactly what you Need. All that stifled emotion …can send folk a bit doo lally as they say round these parts!

Without sounding t00 twee and newagish this is where your healing begins! Folk shut down emotionally for good reasons –self preservation but then it all starts to unravel.

Gee you have plenty to choose from to work with. Gosh what some hard knocks you have had to go through in your life and yet somehow you manage to hold down a very demanding job and juggle the home life as well. I mean that is pure gold
 
Poppy2014

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It's like going full circle.
Yesterday I met Eamonn again, he was the psychologist who gave me the diagnosis, and then told me to read borderline personality for dummies. It nearly killed me and I could have throttled him.
Surprisingly after my chunter at the chief exec on the anniversary of each year I was put on the list this time (3years and 5months ago) he asked me if I wanted to meet with Eamonn again as the annual reviewer last year got a short shrift and left feeling sorry for himself.
Eamonn has gone grey, let his hair grow and been promoted to professor emeritus consultant clinical psychotherapist.
His titles nearly as long as mine..
Anyway he has a space for me in EMDR and I'm frustrated because I think working with Kirsty May give me a different perspective. He has said I have 2options, they will save me a place on the waiting list but I will need a break between Kirsty and him or I'll end up worse.
Or
I can stop seeing Kirsty and start seeing him as he has a place for me starting in September.
He has said we need another meeting but that won't be until the 25th September and by then I'll have had another 5 sessions so I'll know.
He is happy for both, but I'm not sure the waiting list people would be.

In other news I had my viva today. Minor amendments but don't have to do another viva.
Frustrating part is my supervisor had the report for 5 weeks prior to submission and said it was fine. He didn't even notice appendix 1 was the wrong one.
I have to resubmit and put the right search strategy in appendix 1 rather than ethics appendix 1
Would be useful. Then just to be a little clearer on paper as when I was asked the questions I could explain the answers but I wasn't as clear on paper.
Should take about 30minutes to sort but frustrating. But and it's a huge but I did not melt down and did not feel distraught that it wasn't perfect and that j was hopeless or useless. I took it as it was mentioned, this is prospective information that I can use again and build on. Better now than at the end. Oh and I got my action research in there. P has no choice but to let me go back and do it.
 
Poppy2014

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Week 4 with Kirsty.
I have never felt so emotionally exhausted after 1 hour of therapy in my entire life.

If this is going to be how it is from here I don't know how I'm going to survive it. I have a 3 week break as she's on leave, my next session is the 31st.
I didn't speak for barely any of this session (just the occasional yes or in some cases no) and to try and explain how I felt. Even writing this brings back the feelings of anxiety.

Over the last 3 weeks we have done a time line of 1thing from every year I can remember. Today she gave me a cushion and if I felt agitated I could squeeze the cushion.

Then she started she told my story, starting from the day I was born, things that happen normally like being born, fed, laying down learning to sit up, walk, the stuff I couldn't remember, but then she started talking about my memories, not every one about 15 each time, then finished with something today and now I'm here (in the room)

She did this time and again, choosing different memories but always keeping the worst ones in. It built up anxiety, feelings of wanting to run, escape, but after the 5th time I realised it wasn't as distressing, I wasn't squeezing the pillow, I was able to listen, think, and finally hear her.

It may sound odd but I ended up repeating her as she was going along. The words became sounds and the sounds didn't hurt as much. She says we are going to do it again and again until I realise that these are just words, things that have passed, things that can't hurt and when I start making these links then we will talk about the worse things again and again until they are words and the emotions don't hurt.

Why do I feel like I'm going to be put through a wringer before beingng hung out to dry? And why do I think this is going hurt... a lot.
4 for 4. She says it's not because she's a female but because of the power of the therapy.
I'm sorry but apart from today I've talked about each and every one of the things I've mentioned before in a story. I only cried once. With her I've cried every single time.
I'm not sure I can do this, but I'm.going to give it a damn good try.
 
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Shadow-one

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Wow Poppy

I can almost feel how you feel from just reading your words....

I think that I am also doing some pretty powerful therapy myself at the moment that I feel like there's an electric shock going through me when I think about it.... Sounds a bit weird, but that's the only way I can describe it...

Kirsty sounds really really good... I was amazed that you could remember one thing - one memory from every year of your life and know it was definitely that year... I'm really impressed :) I have such a haze of events - some are very clear but others I'm often guessing somewhat around how old I was when it happened. I'm not sure if it's a good thing that you can remember or if it's just a sign of how awful things were for you and it's impossible for you to not have very clear memories...

The constant run down of your past to now really interests me.... Especially as you said that - the more you repeated it - the little bit easier it became... and also it didn't have the same impact.... Do you think that this is a permanent transition or will the memories become painful again in time?

Her use of the cushion really caught my eye. Did you mind working with it? It probably seems like a very odd question - but I'm curious about how it affected you - if at all? The reason for this is that Catherine and I use props during our therapy probably every few weeks... I have had huge issues using them because I think that Catherine sees too much by my actions with the prop... So for example - do you mind that Kirsty can actually 'see' how distressed you are when you squeeze the cushion?

For me - it just left me feeling too exposed - even with Catherine....
But recently we had a really bad session which I thought I'd never get over :cry: but the opposite has happened. Since then, we have used props every session (3) and they have been thee most powerful ever. I have struggled with myself and my sense of exposure all the time - but I made a decision to stop overthinking the props....what she might see.....where I might go......if I'm crap with them!.....etc...
And honestly it has been just so amazing... The amount of stuff I have discovered about myself - about my past - about why I am the way I am has been an absolute journey of discovery..... A terrifying one a lot of the time.....but a journey and at least that means I'm moving!

She was off last Thursday and is again next Thursday so I'm as usual suffering the depressing consequences of not seeing her.... I'm struggling already though and still a long wait....

Sorry if I have gone on about myself here Poppy especially as it's 'your' thread :whistle:

But I just connected with how the therapy is affecting you and wanted to chat a bit about it....

I hope you're having a nice weekend and aren't in too much physical pain....
Oh and I'm delighted that you gave your friend my tag line! Whatever idiot told her to 'you only have to put your mind to something to succeed' is a complete ass.... Obviously they have led a very uncomplicated silver spooned type of life until now - or they are only 2yrs old and don't have a clue what they're talking about!

Great to chat to you again Poppy....

I just love your updates :dance:
 
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Poppy2014

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Hi Shadow

Kristy says she hasn't met anyone with such clear defined memories of each year, but you probably won't remember I wrote one for Dave which also went to Steve. It was a lot more detailed than the one Kirsty and I use, but because I've had one for about 5 years now it does make it easier to remember the things, however this was weirder as Dave and Steve asked me to do it at home as home work and to be as detailed as I could remember.

Kristy wanted a more visceral reaction so it was..what was the first memory you have, and how old, so we went from 18months to 2,3,4 etc up to 45 and she wanted the first memory I had that concerned that year.

Some years like 8, 12, 16, 18, 20, 33 + 35 I couldn't chose 1 memory so she let me have 3 but no more and it wasn't to discuss them just tell her what they were.
We did discuss some obscure ones, but other than that it was a straight tell.

This week she explained what would happen and gave me a pillow, she said squeeze it if I felt anxious or upset. But very much like you I felt like I'd be baring my soul if I let her see how much it bothered me.

The first run through she told me I had to keep my eyes open and focus on a spot in the room, I chose the floor, she couldn't see me then.

During the first time I just occasionally flexed my fingers when she hit a rough patch. She asked me if I'd feel more comfortable tapping with my finger or grounded if she put her foot on mine. I decided the pillow was the better option.

Then I remembered the promise I made Steve that if I ever accessed therapy again I was going to trust and work from the beginning and not hide. Be truthful, get as much as I possibly can from it.

So I stopped her, explained I felt self conscious and agitated about using the pillow as it gave her visual clues as to how I was feeling and that made me vulnerable. She listened, acknowledged my fear, talked to me and asked me to try.

4 more times she read the script and time line, the 3rd one my anxiety spike was on the roof and it was just second nature to squeeze the pillow, like you did when you were a kid and you wanted to hide behind it because (the Daleks) were on tv:)

She asked me where my anxiety scale was at that point and I told her about 8, but also I was starting to disassociate because it was getting too much and I was starting to tune her out.

A 2minute break and chat about fears and feelings and we went for rounds 5-6 but this time instead of tuning her out I started repeating the words just after her and suddenly the anxiety went down to 2 - 3 and I barely squashed the pillow.

She said we did well and it would take the whole weekend to come down from the feeling. She wasn't wrong, Friday was a wash out, I slept from 3pm, Saturday from 4-5 and today from 3pm.

Stupidly this morning I was watching a programme with OH and its something I've seen loads of time but the anxiety came back and I don't know how to stop it as we haven't got that far.

I talked it over with OH this morning and looking at it I realised it wasn't the guns and fighting that did it, (we were watching Sharpe's Waterloo) it was the feeling of hopelessness, not being listened to, then the devastation that happened as a result. In other words metaphorically I was back in my childhood when I didn't have a voice, and the consequences were the abuse and the ignorance.

The pain is as it is, sometimes I'm bad, other's good, other's in between, but like all of us I keep going because otherwise I'd give up and I'm not at that point yet.

So in answer to you question about props, in this case yes I started with concerns, but they went when I decided I was going to go with the flow and do what I promised. Which is also why I told her about feeling self conscious and scared.

The therapy is called lifespan intervention, she said I could have a look at what we were doing now we've started. It is a similar therapy to EMDR but supposedly more gentle.
If this is gentle, then what the hell EMDR would be like is terrifying.
 
Poppy2014

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As you see I was stupid, things that have not bothered me for months suddenly started irritating me, and I know you said you can’t work with people who have been actively suicidal in the past whatever time frame, and I haven’t, but these feelings I had from this therapy along side the new injury, the refusal for surgery, the only option is to increase your pain meds and add morphine all lead to the thought I’d be better off dead.

It was a fleeting thought and I wrote it in my journal to make sure I didn’t hide it from you,
there is no intent to do it. I’m not suicidal, I just had too many emotions colliding and I don’t know how to deal with them. I had another flash back at work, the whole shebang, palpitations, sweats, terror, wanting to hide. Anger, useless, don’t bother, you know you’re not good enough, now you have proof.

My viva, according to my supervisor went well, I defended it as I was supposed to, I made a 1st year mistake so knew I’d have to resubmit (how many times do I tell students to proof read!) But the feed back was just need a little bit here and simplify your methodology. Apparently it was too difficult for them to understand. I understand it, my supervisor understands it and my 14 year old son understood it but the external didn’t. About 30 minutes work, nothing major, then the written feedback came back and bore no resemblance to the feedback in the viva.

And I can’t start data collection until it’s been re seen and approved.

The external can’t see the gap so doesn’t think it’s appropriate for a PhD.
I give in. If 1 paper out of 1600 papers is the only one that covers what I want to do how much more of a gap does she want.

She then sent me 3 reference papers all of which I’ve used in the 10,000 word literature review, not in the 1500 words I have to explain the literature I’m using to show her where and why I. Following this, I went home read and re read then sent an email and then got angry, upset, distressed, wanted to run, give in, pack up. Then a lecturer mentioned I seemed stressed and had I thought about giving up the field lead role to someone more experienced.

On top of how I felt from the Saturday after our session I became overwhelmed and in the end had to take a couple of days leave just to keep away from the high/low rapid cycling and saying something I may regret in my annual appraisal. I did put in my appraisal form asked about giving up the lead and was told that it wasn’t something I should even think about.

Now I feel over emotional and confused and I don’t know who or what I am or should be.

I have goals and targets, ref and publication and not anywhere near enough staff to teach what needs to be taught or the time to teach it. I had a knuckle rap for mentioning something to my boss who spoke to the Dean who spoke to the school head and now it’s my fault for saying something in the first place. Just one line on an email and I felt sick. I went into my appraisal expecting a disciplinary for it and I didn’t do anything wrong.

But today I did have the courage to tell my line manager that I as a disabled student get extra time, extensions, but as a staff member I have the same as all the other staff and as module leader for 2 big modules, and associate for 2 huge modules and moderator for 1 multi-professional module where huge amounts of marking came in at the same time and made me so anxious I couldn’t cope. I became overwhelmed, overstretched, and an insomniac. I was so angry that someone had decided to go away
for 10 days in the 14 day marking period and despite having 4 days before he went and emailing and posting online he didn’t do any of his marking, he had 22 to mark, if it wasn’t for Steve I wouldn’t have been able to get the marks out on time and I hated asking him for further help. He’d already done 7 for another member of staff we were protecting.
So he did 4 for me. And I did the other 18
It cost me so much.

I’ve asked to do an assertive course but it’s not that I need its just the ability to say no at times. It’s the confidence to believe it’s okay to say no and that people there have 20 years if experience to my 5 (or 3) however it’s not just the staff, students have realised I have a heart and I’ve found myself with a few of them crying at my door, in my office and outside the classrooms.

Ah well. I’d rather they come to me than leave if it’s something I can do.
 
Poppy2014

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Week 5

Kristy came back from 2weeks annual leave and I made the decision to talk to her about how the last session made me feel rather than just leave it and it build into something I couldn't control.
I'm glad i did.
We talked about the parent adult child model and how when my mum phones she shouts at me if I haven't done xyz. How every week she has agreed to look after my nieces for my brother but then phoned and told my son he needs to be there for 8:30 to look after them until their mum comes to collect them at 3. One day my son was tired and really emotional, we'd been working on the area where 5 years ago someone set his toy shed on fire and set fire to his whole childhood collections. While we were digging we found some things that had been bought when he was tiny and meant so much to him he spent hours in tears. Mum phoned that night to say he had to go over the next day and I said he needed to sleep. She wasn't having it, at 9am she sent our oldest niece over to collect him, well she would have if she'd been able to find our house...
Poor kid was wondering up and down the street as she hasn't been over that many times and the houses look the same.
I only found her as I was letting the cats out...

Mum phoned, livid with me because I refused to get Dan up, because it wasn't fair on the children, who was going to look after them...hmmmm

Kristy says I have to practice, being an adult, not a,parent and not a child and saying if you keep talking to me like that we can't talk, ring me back when you are in a better mood.
OH says he'll help me, but then he's parenting me rather than making sure I do it by myself.
It feels impossible, she has sent me some work sheets to do, already I can see how I behave and what people don't see underneath.
We talked about lots of other strange thinking and she straightened out a few kinks there. She did say she was worried I wasn't in the right place to do this powerful therapy, I told her to stop worrying unless we did it I was never going to be in the right place.
So back to it next week.
It was good to just offload, it's been a rough 2 weeks but it's time to get back to the hard work now and buckle in for the ride.
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

How are things going with Kristy since this session?

It really seems that you are on a rollercoaster ride with her.. Like at times you feel completely out of control - other times free-falling and not knowing where you'll land or if you'll be hurt or not.....and lastly sometimes secure because you trust the person controlling the ride and know they are there if it goes wrong...

Your mom really sounds so selfish Poppy. I hope you don't mind me saying so. It's almost like she needs to have ALL the attention regardless of whether it's good attention or bad...

It's unbelievable the grip she still has on your brother, telling him what to do and also on your nieces and you. I imagine that she is a very difficult person to ignore. Yet it sounds like NOT giving her the attention she craves, especially in negative situations, is the only long trek forward.

Kristy sounds very clued in to you and the situation with your mom... she seems to have a very good grasp of your life pretty quickly. She was a good find :)

How are you feeling physically these days? I hope you're not in a lot of pain. And I hope your workload isn't as hectic as it had been. I think you know when you just simply can't do anymore and have to say no.

I hope your OH is helping you out dealing with your mom. Try not to think of it as him parenting you - he isn't at all imo I think it's support from someone who can be stronger in this area while you already have enough vulnerabilities in your life. Let him get the ball rolling with you mom butting out and you can join in/take over when you feel ready.

Looking forward to your next update Poppy

Take care

:hug1:
 
Poppy2014

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Had a very rough fortnight, wrote about it in another thread, the upshot is last week I saw Kirsty and she point blank refused to do any therapy, she said I was so emotionally distressed that she couldn't safely do anything that could trigger an emotion that could set me back.

So we talked. Well I talked and cried and talked and cried.
I'm scared. I'm losing my ability to walk, I keep falling down, I'm in pain both physically and mentally, my pain is getting worse. Nothing is making it better, my physio keeps asking me to go back to the GP as I have "red flag" symptoms, New symptoms and symptoms that he can't deal with. So I was good, did as I was told, the answer is I can't do anything, you are on a max pain meds. You can go back to the msk assessment, which is funny as the physio there was my physio's student and said John could do more for me than she could.
Now I have to go back to get permission to see a pain specialist as they are the gate keepers to all services

I'm so tired, I need time off to try and recover some sense but it's not coming any time soon.

My PhD supervisor is retiring in March I found out by generic email to all the staff despite the fact we had just spent an hour together going through some work and nothing, no mention of it. We have 6 months to find someone new who I can work with and has some understanding of what I want to do and why I want to do it.
I would love to have my office buddy but I don't know if it would be too close a comfort relationship.

Have I said I'm so tired it hurts. I want to go to sleep and not wake up, not forever but maybe just a long time until someone can find a way to stop me hurting.

Kristy was off this week at the last minute, so won't see her now until Friday
 
Shadow-one

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Hey Poppy

You popped into my mind there and I was wondering how things are with you?

You have been going through a really difficult time recently.......and haven't posted (that I've seen anyway) in a while....

How's therapy going with Kristy?

And how are you physically? I hope you're feeling better as I know you have been worried about being able to walk properly.

I, Poppy am in the middle of another self made self destructive situation....

Fearing the worst..but yet not really knowing what 'worse' could be :(

Usual drama.....

Take care

:hug1:
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

Just wondering if you're ok as I haven't seen you around for a while...

I hope you are....

I miss your updates here so hope to hear from you soon..

:hug:
 
Poppy2014

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Hi,
Sorry I haven't replied, I haven't been around for a while because I'm trying to get my head around a lot of things.
Mentally I'm holding up better than I have been in a while. Everything is becoming a little overwhelming this weekend as on Monday it will be 1 whole year since I finished seeing Steve. It seems like yesterday some days and years ago others, but it's been a little mix and match this month and I have hit the top of the CMHT waiting list and Eamonn who was the first psychologist I saw has offered me a place for EMDR but has said I will need a break between him and Kirsty if I agree to stay with her.

I'm still seeing Kirsty who is a neurological psychotherapist and this week we are halfway through the 20 weeks time frame. I decided to speak to her because while I never understood what Steve and I were doing I know that going home, writing and processing it made sense. At the minute I don't feel connected to this therapy and told Kirsty this. I explained that the minute I left I forgot about what we had done and never really thought about it again, and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to feel. Kirsty said maybe that is good and that I shouldn't need to dwell on it constantly, but what we are doing isn't the end of it, actually it is the early part, and she has said she has been told off for going to fast with patients, and if she went to her supervisor and said I was disconnecting the supervisor would say she was moving too fast if we moved to the next phase, I just don't know.

In between everything I have been trying to work full time, sort my PhD out which has become chaotic at the minute, then try and sort out other stuff at work. I now have an academic mentor who I see every fortnight, she is very good and keeps me grounded.

I'm flat out exhausted, my body has broken properly over the past 3 months and I need a lot of surgery, but again most of the surgery is on hold because I'm overweight, but I can't lose the weight I need to because everything is broken or hurts.

I'm due to have my first op early December on my right elbow, but the orthopaedic surgeons have said my knee caps will have to break before they operate on them as an emergency, as they know I won't lose the weight in time to be able to have them operated on in the next 6 months as a normal waiting list patient. It's really weird, I can bend my knees, but I can't kneel down as my brain doesn't connect with my legs and if I manage to work out how to do it I cannot get back up.

My spine has decided to collapse I now have 3 ruptured discs, which are also affecting my ability to walk and causing numbness in my legs, but because it's intermittent they won't operate just yet.

So it been a difficult few months and I haven't even had then energy to be any use to anyone. I feel guilty for coming here and asking for support when I can't offer it back, so I've tried to stay away. I have popped in occasionally but felt guilty so came away again.

I'm in an emotional limbo at the minute, feeling everything, and nothing, emotional over odd things and detached from others, it's not been like this for a few years.
But no one said it was going to be easy, I just really didn't think it would be this hard.
 
Poppy2014

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Funny what hits you at stupid times, everyone is tidying their rooms out so we can start decorating.
Mick found a programme from 1982 when my dad took me to see Lennon at the crucible in Sheffield.
Times of innocence, when my dad was still my hero, before I knew what I do now.
He saved for weeks so we could go, I was the only one who enjoyed his love of the Beatles and John Lennon was my only ever idol. Imagine was and still is my absolute favourite song and my dad took me to see this play because I wanted to go. Something just for me in a time when I didn't count.
I just cried. Holding it brought back such happy memories.
This is a hyper emotional weekend and its stupid what's setting me off right now.
 
Poppy2014

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Today I taught a group of 2nd year MSc students about evidence based practice.
Rather than make it dry I put it into context of living my life and meeting all the people along they way who have hiven me information, told me to read this, look at that, told me what I have wasn't real, is real, maybe real, is a dustbin diagnosis because the professionals don't know what it is.
Another Dr saying that's wrong because look you trust me, here's your evidence, about suicide, wanting to die because you have diagnoses that people can't see, but will be with you for the rest of your life.
Have this therapy, do this programme, talk to this person, you'll get better, no you won't you will get worse.
Don't do this you'll break, do this it will make you better.
A lot of the students got it, one said I was selfish, suicide is selfish and I didn't think about the other people.
Of all the things I talked about today that's what she took.
Sometimes I feel like I would be better off being dry and boring, talking textbook rather than opening my veins to expose myself in real life to people who are going to look after me.
Trying to explain that pain isn't just physical but psychological and that teaching stops it hurting, but that teaching makes it hurt when you realise that what you were trying to say didn't work and that one person didn't listen.
If means I failed to teach them about communication, about hearing the story underneath and learning to really hear what people are saying, not the words but the pain.
I suppose I can't win them all. I'll have to try another way next year.
Tired, sore, and disappointed with myself. It hurts to lay yourself open to question but for the question not to be asked and for the people who are going to be the future nurses to be so judgemental at this stage is worrying.
 
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Today I taught a group of 2nd year MSc students about evidence based practice.
Rather than make it dry I put it into context of living my life and meeting all the people along they way who have hiven me information, told me to read this, look at that, told me what I have wasn't real, is real, maybe real, is a dustbin diagnosis because the professionals don't know what it is.
Another Dr saying that's wrong because look you trust me, here's your evidence, about suicide, wanting to die because you have diagnoses that people can't see, but will be with you for the rest of your life.
Have this therapy, do this programme, talk to this person, you'll get better, no you won't you will get worse.
Don't do this you'll break, do this it will make you better.
A lot of the students got it, one said I was selfish, suicide is selfish and I didn't think about the other people.
Of all the things I talked about today that's what she took.
Sometimes I feel like I would be better off being dry and boring, talking textbook rather than opening my veins to expose myself in real life to people who are going to look after me.
Trying to explain that pain isn't just physical but psychological and that teaching stops it hurting, but that teaching makes it hurt when you realise that what you were trying to say didn't work and that one person didn't listen.
If means I failed to teach them about communication, about hearing the story underneath and learning to really hear what people are saying, not the words but the pain.
I suppose I can't win them all. I'll have to try another way next year.
Tired, sore, and disappointed with myself. It hurts to lay yourself open to question but for the question not to be asked and for the people who are going to be the future nurses to be so judgemental at this stage is worrying.
Hi Poppy,
Please don't be to hard on yourself, I'm sure your a wonderful teacher.
It is worrying that future nurses might already be judgemental.
Take care
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Well, where do I begin...
I have a story, it's all over the place, a little like me sometimes, but it's my story and I'm living it.
Last week was the final session with Kirsty and as much as I like her as a person, I'm not sure the therapy was for me. Overall, I found that the terminology worked but the deep learning didn't. It was all about words, her words not mine, she told my story over and over, year by year, incident by incident, abuse, parents, husbands, children, fear, anger, distress, occasionally happy. I found myself becoming immune to hearing the words, the distress started disappearing at each reading, but at the end it didn't stop the distress of the emotions that were associated with the words.
When we finished Kirsty said she was worried as we had not been able to complete the programme due to the 20 session limit, and that if we had more time we would have used a doll which would have represented my younger self and that she would take that doll home and keep me safe.... Apparently I would need at least another year of therapy before we would have scratched the surface. She has written to the neurologist suggesting that he re-refer me in January next year as they can only see me once in 12 months.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm very open right now to trying anything that helps and settles me. But I'm baffled by the fact she thinks I need at least a years therapy to scratch the surface, and that is on top of the 20 weeks we have just done. So how does she expect to achieve this if we only have another 20 weeks. I cannot see the point in doing half a therapy, which I feel could be worse than doing nothing, what happens if she brings up awful emotions and then therapy stops and I have nowhere to go?
Anyway that's Kirsty.

Physically I have become ill, quite ill, I am having investigations into myeloma, I'm currently tired, very tired, in a lot of pain and have no where to go. The consultant wants me to stop all my medication, which I'm doing slowly, and will have a final set of blood tests on the 7th March. The hope against all hope is that I have a serious reaction to my medication that has affected my red blood cells and some other tests. It's frightening knowing what I do as a nurse, but it is just life and I can't do anything if it turns out to be positive, I'll just have to live with the consequences and treatment.

Finally, as if that isn't enough... I started working with Eamonn exactly 4 year and 2 weeks after being referred for treatment. My first EMDR session starts on the 11th Feb, I can say with a significant amount of honesty that I'm more scared about this than any of the others.
He explained what he is going to do and how we will process the feelings/thoughts, it really didn't make me feel any better, but he has taken some work I've done previously and will have a look at it before we meet again, so as to better understand me. Best of British to him. Despite his terrible taste in literature, I'm finding myself actually liking the guy, not sure if again it's because he's male and I feel less vulnerable with men surprisingly than I do with women, another reason why I feel the work with Kirsty didn't have the impact it did.

Overall it has been a very weird start to 2019, but despite everything, I feel happier, more settled, ready to face what ever I need to, and I have the skills, almost, to do what I need to by myself, but I'm not afraid to ask for help anymore.
 
Poppy2014

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What is it about psychotherapists and 20 sessions.
Today I met Eamonn again and we went through some of the stuff I'd previously written, timelines and things that were positive or negative influences.
He's going away to make notes, lots of notes, and he asked to see my bloody diagram from the CAT sessions with Steve. He as his and my response to it.

We meet again on the 11th March, he wants me to get my diagnosis out of the way, and for any treatment to have started or restarted if it's not myeloma.

He said he would then have a schedule of appointments ready for me, I asked him how many, at least to give me a starting figure so I could plan for another ending, thinking as EMDR is usually a short programme of sessions I was going with 8-10. He came back with lets start with 20 and reassess then.
WTF
Taking out Bank holidays as we are meeting on Mondays and a couple of weeks annual leave for him and me, I think we are easily looking at Christmas again, even if we started monarch 11th and had 20 weeks with no interruptions we would be looking at mid September, given there is 2 May bank holidays. I'm away 2 weeks in the summer, he's off 2 weeks in August, and we have the August Bank holiday, that would take us to mid November, if it was every week.

There are some Mondays when I just have to teach, it's not negotiable, so Christmas 2019 is looking more likely.
If he goes over that then it will eat into the dates that Kirsty wanted me to go back for.
This will be 4 solid years of therapy, with only 6 weeks without an organised therapist involved.

I can honestly say it's been hard, brutal at times, I've cried, raved, ranted, swore, laughed, had some really positive breakthroughs, but most of all I've had some phenomenal counsellors, psychologists and psychotherapists who took their time to understand me, listen to me and at no time did they make me feel useless, worthless, or untreatable.

I lucked out on the therapy scale.
But without them I could have imploded, destroyed everything, ended up homeless, jobless and alone. The problem is I only got what I needed because I can afford to pay the £4000 for CAT, the £2000 for the psychologist, and the £1,500 for the private counsellor.

Kristy was the first therapist I saw on the NHS, it took 4 months from referral to treatment.
Eamonn was supposed to do CAT then EMDR, fortunately for him 4year and 3 months after I was first referred to him he's only got the EMDR left.
But 20 sessions, come on can I just catch a break.
 
Poppy2014

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TRIGGER WARNING.

For the first time 16 months I thought about dying, about actually killing myself and very nearly did it. Albeit accidentally but it was dark and a lapse in concentration meant ... well you understand.
My senior boss is a bastard I'm at the edge of losing it.

I need to stay away from work but my diary looks like crap and I'd be disappointed that he beat me into submission.

I'm so tired.
 
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Girl interupted

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The more you think about how he feels the more power you give him over you.

Do what you can to avoid him, until you feel stronger. Then picture him in a bright pink woman’s bra under his business suit.

Hang in there hon. Xo
 
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