blacksmoke

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#41
gee do these educated folk just do these things as an empty exercise. for instance my bro was asked to give a feedback and this after being made to sack 12 or more dedicated and trustworhy folk. he didnt say what he wrote!
 
Poppy2014

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#42
I don't know... sometimes I wonder what they want you to write and other times I think it's a paper exercise and sometimes it's really useful.
This one was because we realised something had a potential to go wrong and I needed to justify why I was doing what I was doing. It's for part of my PhD and will stop a lot of questions in my viva.
Sometimes they can be heartless gits, I think if I'd been your brother I think I would have just written f**ked off.
It covers everything really succinctly.
 
Shadow-one

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#43
Hey Poppy

Have you managed to find ANY time to actually breathe?? This is a requirement for staying alive (just in case you're not sure) because it sounds like the very basics of staying alive seem to be passing you by :(

You know (you absolutely must know) that you cannot possibly keep up the pace that you feel is required of you... Nobody could. NOBODY.

You have WAY TOO MUCH going on... it's mad poppy... I thought that you had planned to manage what you have to do i.e go home if you need to - sleep when you need to - take the pressure off at work etc...

Poppy you need to take some things out of the equation. You need to take care of your own mental health in order to be in a position to help anybody else...

As for your husband egging you on telling you that you can do everything - to me that sounds like a man that really has NO idea what to say.... God help him he probably thinks there is no right answer..

You don't have S now (which I personally am deeply concerned about) so you are gung ho for everything without a voice if reason....

Please slow down poppy. Your life sounds way too busy.....and I'm worried about you to be honest.

I hope so much that I haven't offended or upset you poppy but I hope I know you well enough for you to appreciate my honesty....

Thinking of you and ALWAYS here..

:hug1:
 
Poppy2014

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#44
For absolutely no reason today is not a good day.

I cried.

I phoned someone and asked for advice.

Another person now knows I'm fucking stupid

I want to run away instead of helping everyone else sort there problems out.

I'm supposed to be on leave but I'm having to do 5-6 hours work a day.

Today is not a good day.
 
Poppy2014

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#48
Thank you everyone, sometimes being able to say what you need rather than what you should is calming.

Today is still raw, but settling. I have not done any work today. Tomorrow I am off to York for the day with the family.

This morning I received a letter from HR telling me I have been universally approved for a promotion, and the Dean has sent me a personal letter of thanks for my commitment to the university.

And I couldn't give a flying f**k.

I've bounced and I'm mad because I've not stopped it before it hit the bottom and now I'm going to suffer the bloody stupid consequences. I really need to get my head out of my arse before Monday morning when I go back to work.
 
blacksmoke

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#49
Its good to talk. That’s a weird place to be when things get so disjointed that you don’t give a xxxx. Gee sometimes life seems so shallow. 0k so as what 007 would say, “your mission should you choose to take on, is to get your head out of your ars* “ and the very best of luck to you
 
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#50
Hey Poppy

Totally able to relate to you right now and feel very glad I'm not the ONLY one bouncing off the bloody walls (but I am sorry you are too :( )

I am so hyped up that I want to tear my own skin off. I'm MAD & SAD and too many adjectives to name...

This is NEVER GOING TO END.

Sorry Poppy....
You're thread.......you're support...

I genuinely feel sorry that you are in the middle of quite a bounce and can only try to get through it yourself (I mean without Steve as opposed to your husband)

Sounds crap.....

But at least you have tomorrow to look forward to and WOW a promotion awaiting you :)

You work so hard - its great to see the tribute to your incredible ability in your work AND your people skills...

Very happy for you...

:hug:
 
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#51
Hi Shadow,
You can hijack my thread anytime xxx support is a two way process, if you want it come on say so, this is not a Poppy only thread.

The promotion is in pay only it is for recognition of the work I'm currently doing, I decided to look at a physical promotion ( the one I didn't go for in the end) and when the job description came out for it I thought hmmmm I'm doing that already. In university as long as you can prove you are working to a band specification consistently you are allowed to ask for promotion to that pay band. So I did. I had to write how I met each specification and submit it to pay review promotions and surprisingly they came back with a unanimous yes. Nice pay rise.

I'm doing okay without Steve now, there are times when I wish I could ask the stupid questions, but the need I had to see him has almost gone and even now when I'm like this I know I'm going to get through it. Like Steve said I will always be prone to these but I'll manage them better each time I get there and if there is a time when I really can't manage it I will have to find a therapist to go and spend a couple of sessions working out why this one went wrong.

So Mrs Shadow, what's got you bouncing, looking at your description you are doing what Steve and I called Cycloning, which is round and round, up and down so fast your head is spinning, where as bouncing is up and down, with the bounces getting smaller and closer to the bottom for longer, rather than higher where I start, so for me bounces are more sad and hopeless rather than manic all over which is what you are talking about.

Why has this started, you were doing well with Catherine, then you disappeared for a while and when you came back you have hit a long cyclonic state which doesn't seem to be settling in any way.
Are you on meds? And are any of them new or dose increased?

Have a chat soon, you take care xx
 
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#52
0k so as what 007 would say, “your mission should you choose to take on, is to get your head out of your ars* “ and the very best of luck to you
I'm going to, just have to figure out how. Considering I have 9 students and 1 staff meeting on Monday I'm going to go hunting for my give a **** button and my compassionate arm. It's going to be a long day otherwise.
I have tissues, milk, lemon, Victoria, and carrot cake, pop, tea, coffee, (no alcohol), sweets, ice cream and raspberries. Hopefully Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday will be seen through a sugar rush.
Xxx
 
blacksmoke

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#53
I'm going to, just have to figure out how. Considering I have 9 students and 1 staff meeting on Monday I'm going to go hunting for my give a **** button and my compassionate arm. It's going to be a long day otherwise.
I have tissues, milk, lemon, Victoria, and carrot cake, pop, tea, coffee, (no alcohol), sweets, ice cream and raspberries. Hopefully Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday will be seen through a sugar rush.
Xxx
hey Poppy survival kit sounds very robust and impressive liking the carrot cake hope its got lots of frosting!
 
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#54
Hey Poppy

I find it interesting that you seem to know how I am - better than I know myself - in a very good way mind you :)

Cycloning perfectly describes me now and for a long time.....just didn't have the word..

My life is right up in the middle of it - twisting and changing and destroying all that's in its way. Good and bad....

I have progressed in every single wrong way possible:(

Nothing to do with Catherine - I would be happily dead without her....

I'm with a new psychiatrist who is very intense and probing and I feel like a child......lost and pained and not knowing the right thing to say. (But a part of me does believe that she is very good at her job....and probably exactly who I need)

So I said in answer to her very direct questions - what a child would likely say finally - after a long stare and silence... I told her what I'm doing - every way I'm self harming and why I do NOT want to stop. It's my own 'secret' and i feel i should be allowed to have it (apparently not though)

Now she's ringing my doctor who will be appalled (but in a caring way) and then Catherine(who obviously knows me longest and best) etc etc to 'discuss' me...Possibly my husband which would finish me off completely :( God the embarrassment)

But you know what Poppy - I somehow no longer care... Nobody can physically stop me and I am simply exhausted from myself.. I can't describe how I no longer care about myself - if I wake up tomorrow or if I don't.

I see no colour....
No hope because I cannot change
No way to bring happiness to others.
I'm dead inside...
So why not the outside too?
 
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Poppy2014

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#55
Yesterday I made my son, my daughter and my husband sad. I made my son cry, I made my daughter cry and I made my husband cry.
Because yesterday my mother made me cry.

It's time to go back to therapy, I was holding out for 26 weeks because that would mean I did it. I got over BPD, I can now freely get on with my life.

Well I realised what S meant when he said I would need people at different times in my life and for different things.
I now realise that it's time to deal with the anger and hatred I feel for my mother and the bitterness I feel for being in this situation where I have no choice but to be there.

I feel guilty that my husband, son and daughter are being dragged into a situation for which there is no solution and that for the first time my son actually lied to her about me not being in so I wouldn't have to see her.
My son shouldn't have to do this and I need to deal with myself.
I don't know who I need to see and haven't the foggiest idea about finding out so I'm getting friendly with the different types of therapy at the minute with a hope that I'll find the one that feels like it fits.

Today I'm okay, I'm angry, I'm disappointed in myself, but I realise that 26 weeks isn't a magic number it's just another day.
 
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Poppy2014

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#57
So today I'm on day 4 of meds reduction, I have a history of chronic pain and fibromyalgia and take a lot of pills for this, I'm trying to reduce them to see just how many I can shift without increasing any pain level and so far I'm down to 1cocodamol, 1 carbamazipine, 1naproxen, 1baclofen
and my wide awake pills,
I've stopped 2more carbamazipine, 1naproxen, 65mgs nortriptyline, 2 baclofen, 7cocodamol, I've not needed any senna, the only thing I've realised I definitely need after 96 hours is my indigestion meds, probably the carbamazipine as my face is starting to burn (trigeminal neuralgia, and the baclofen I'm going to try 1 in the morning and 1at night, so far I've had a couple of back spasms, so it's okay.
But I wonder just how much I'll be able to get rid of in a week or so and what will happen?
But even if I have to start them up again, as I've detoxed them I should be able to start at lower doses... don't worry my GP is working on this with me because of the cocodamol, although I haven't had any of the usual detox signs do maybe I'm better coming off them than I was on them
Anything to keep my mind off my real life ..
 
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#59
Hi Poppy

It sounds like a very good call to go back to therapy for a while...

At least you know what it is exactly that you need to deal with....
I'm sure that will definitely benefit you and the therapist...

I'm still floundering around in the dark :cry:

Parent/Family issues really are thee most difficult to deal with I think...
You have all the pressure of the everybody elses 'norm' i.e. having fantastic mothers and fathers and siblings etc.. Fabulous childhoods etc...
And because of the image of this cosy little 'family unit' I think it's a lot harder for us to actually see the wrong in parents particurlarly..

I find them the hardest to deal with..
I find that the guilt I feel for even just having negative thoughts about them at all is overwhelming...
Even though I know I have EVERY right to feel the way I do..

It sounds like you really need to deal with you mom at this stage...

If she is impacting your own family so badly - I'm sure that will give you the motivation you need (or maybe you're already well motivated enough!!) to find a therapist and try and move forward in a way that YOU feel happy with and where you feel in control..

Yep 26 weeks is just another week..... 7 more days......
You're right to put that away and get the help you need now...

Look after yourself Poppy

:hug:
 
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Poppy2014

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#60
My mum is happy with me today, she has been awarded higher rate pip both mobility and care... backdated.

There's £30 in my Christmas card from it.
Not that I want anything, but she made a great effort to tell me today that Chritmas is payed for if anything happens to her, something else for me to sort out...

I'm so tired of crying, I really want to go for a drive, but we all know what happens if I do that...
I want to go away but it's not even in an old type funk, it's not a bounce, it's not a cyclone, it's just a I need a stress relief, I can't drink (of all the things you could be allergic to mine had to be alcohol, I'm not up for an ITU stay)
I don't want to be dead.. that's a change, I just want to go away for a nice long fast drive. But knowing my luck recently I'll just end up falling asleep.

It's time to stop moaning and I'm still trying to find someone I feel could help but no one is jumping out at me...
Bah,
 
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