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Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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This was the end of the letter to S, it needed to be sent as it was becoming a stone around my neck and taking on a life of it's own, one where it was given too much importance.
I didn't expect or need a reply from him, to be able to send it was enough. However he did reply and it was enough, it meant a lot and even though it was only one line it wrapped up our 50 sessions perfectly.
So that's it. My journey with BPD is finally over, I am no longer fighting it and trying to beat it, but I am finding a way of letting it live with me, be part of me without taking over and I am comfortable with that.

- For me this was my crunch, I am absolutely fed up of giving her the power to hurt me so I took a real look at our relationship and what I can / can’t / must / can do and came to the only real conclusion. She is my mother and a 68 year old women with serious mental, physical and medical problems, she is in a lot of pain and she knows she doesn’t have many more years left. But she has more than one condition I can do something about in order to make sure she does not suffer more that she has to. I cannot sit by and let someone suffer needlessly when I have the skills to stop it. No matter what I want, I will never be able to change her, she is what she is and this is it. Nor can I stop seeing her as my brother will be suspicious and want to know why and even though he has realised she is a bitch he doesn’t know just how deep that goes. I will always protect him, and in some ways myself. I do not want his condemnation for not telling, nor do I want him to tell.

I can let our past burn, hurt and cause me mental and physical distress when I see/hear her or I can accept there is absolutely nothing I can do about it, but I can control my response to it and to her. I cannot ever forgive her, even I am not that good, but I can acknowledge she did what she did for reasons of her own no matter how abhorrent they are to me, she must have thought it was right for someone. Her decisions made no one happy and consequently the son she tried so hard to protect has abandoned her, made his decision that his wife and children are worth more than her. Due to this decision she has lost the love of her only daughter and her family, and is now so bitter that she has started to alienate her remaining son, and she must realise that none of her own children will mourn her death. That realisation has got to be a bitter pill to swallow.

This means I am actually able to actually feel sympathy for her, and because of this I am finally in a place where I can accept her without any pain.
We did good you and I… out of everything currently happening this is one of the main places I really needed to get to.

I eventually managed to talk M out of the rafters, as far as he’s concerned she won’t be getting a card from the kids as she doesn’t really need it. He is really struggling with her attitude towards our kids, so I’m trying to bring him into my calm, but he is so very angry he doesn’t get how I can have suddenly changed. I do, I know when I look at the damn states map you drew and overlap it with my endings map and look at how to bring them both together it’s very much like the final ending letter I wrote, otherwise known as the good, the bad and the ugly! Although it’s more like Dynasty at the minute…

Who knew some many feelings could happen in just 16 weeks?

But I still haven’t lost it totally, I haven’t had a proper cyclone, (had a mini tornado) see above but it was self-terminating and over within the hour. I have not and I think I can be justifiably pleased with myself taken the car for a drive, and since those first two weeks I have never driven at speed in anger, I’m working on road language…) apparently D can repeat the words I use in some situations…and although the speed has crept up a few times it generally stops mid 80’s and that’s only because I’m in a line of traffic, I don’t go in the fast lane if I can help it and this is a targeted approach. (S4 – P1)

I haven’t been playing with mirrors, I haven’t played Subbuteo, I haven’t done anything drastic that I need to apologise for, I haven’t sent any stroppy emails nor have I taken anything out on Mick or the kids. I have been sensible and asked for help when I need it, and listened to the advice given when asked for it (S5 – C1).

But the fly in the ointment was a fall back into bad behaviour number 3 (S5 – P2). I couldn’t say what triggered it at the time, but looking back it I know now it was the build-up before asking for help, I was becoming overwhelmed and didn’t recognise it to start with (I was even having hypersomnia attacks including falling asleep in the office and having serious insomnia which makes the attacks worse when they hit) and when I started to recognise what was happening I felt pathetic for thinking about asking for help as I should be able to cope, everyone else was.

What I hadn’t factored was in one week D had surgery, mum had her accident, surgeries and ITU stays, I had 3 lots of marking, and 4 new lectures to prepare in the same week, then on the Friday I was given my surgery date for the week after. On top of that I had 17 hours teaching in the week and I needed to write 1000 or so words for my PhD supervision, had 48 hours’ notice that I needed to submit my module requests for the next year and had to be in Uni to do it, when I would be in surgery and off for those 48 hours and finally I had to make a decision as to whether I wanted to apply for another promotion.

It took 2 weeks before That Up there week and the Monday /Tuesday of the second week of this mess until on my way to work I realised I was completely overwhelmed and in a dark place (bad thoughts started floating by on the motorway barriers (S6 – P2)). I managed to get into the office and curl up into a heap of angry pathetic tears. Once that was over I metaphorically slapped myself sensible and did something I should have done 10 days ago. I checked my diary and saw S was free, fate? I walked out of the office, asked for help, took it and immediately the lifting stopped. Lesson learned; final tally, Sensible 7 - P2.

To finish up, I debated about sending you this at week 21 which would be the first time I have ever reached that far without acting on the thoughts even though I have had them or to wait while week 27 which is 1 week past the 6 month deadline I gave myself to know that I was finally okay and will be the only time I ever got that far without a therapist.

In the end I decided to do now, because it’s time, it feels right and I finally feel strong enough to say goodbye.
Thank you for everything.
Poppy
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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To finish up.
A few weeks ago I posted the start of a poem that covered the first 10 months of my work with S, this is the final version, it covered 525 days of therapy and 133 days since I had my last session.


Thoughts

It’s hard to explain, there’s a lot to be said,
About what it’s like to be inside my head
There’s hatred, denial, a lot of self-doubt,
Anger and isolation, there’s no way out
I’m trapped in a body filled with self-loathing and rage,
Where seconds feel like hours and hours feel like days
My body wrecked with pain, my mind plagued with fear,
I’m ready to battle, conquer all who come near
Terror turns to anger, outbursts to shame,
Is the pursuit of happiness just the pursuit of more pain?

I’ll pull and I’ll twist and I’ll push till you crack,
I will make you take your reassurances back
But you are stronger than that, you stayed and you pushed,
You gave me time and space, I did not feel rushed
It became easier and easier to talk and not lie
We spoke of the future rather than wanting to die
We spoke of evil and monsters, of kindness and love
Of family and children, of work and of books
We explored hurt and abandonment, anger and fear
Cyclones and bounces, narrating and tears
We talked of puppets and masters, of husbands and wives
Of what it meant to move on with my life

The end it was painful, I hated it all
I had day dreams and nightmares while waiting to fall
As expected, it happened but something was wrong
It wasn’t a real fall, it didn’t last long
I was able to stop it, to practice self-care
To recognise that I was getting there
It’s hard to explain, there’s a lot to be said,
About what it’s like to be inside my head
There is love and acceptance, a little self-doubt
Peace, friendships, emotions are finding ways out

Then Christmas came and I finally knew
That I was happy and safe, I no longer need you
It started to work, people finally saw
That I wasn’t perfect, that I needed more,
What can we do for you? How can we help?
You know we are here for you, you’re not by yourself
No one complained or said that I must
They gave their support to me, they gave me their trust
I was really surprised and I’m still a bit shocked
That I don’t have to be perfect, but just good enough

But, sometimes, just sometimes the doubts creep back in
I become angry again, I let it win
Old friends come to visit, they want me to play,
They still have the power to ruin more than my day
But I have a new friend, she is powerful and strong
Everything that I want to be, minus the wrong
A mouse with a roar that demands to be heard
Sharing the answers, the knowledge and the words
She understands anger, she understands pain,
She understands why I am falling again
She doesn’t mock me and she doesn’t shout,
But gives me her hand and guides me back out

Every day I will fight, for I know it is near
The life that I hope for not the one that I fear
It’s hard to explain, there’s a lot to be said,
About what it’s like to be inside my head
There is hope and fear, there is happy and sad
There are wants, dreams and wishes, there are thoughts that are bad
There is life, love and friendship, there is death and despair
There is anger, fear, isolation, there are people who care
I will fight, I will battle and each day I will win
Because I… Do not fail, I… Do not give in
 
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Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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I have a story to tell and a end to finish but sometimes just sometimes there are things that deserve to be told.

I had a full blown rant a few days ago, an absolute rage at the world (well in my case my mum)
My husband and I had arranged to go away for a celebration of we have finished therapy, we are getting better, we deserve our time and we both deserve to be loved and together. For the first time in 27 years I finally believed I had a right to a family and a husband all of my own.

I may have said somewhere that my mum had a bad accident 8 weeks ago now, one that will take months if ever to recover from, and suddenly I have been drawn back into her life and needs, but I was starting to feel strong enough to deal with it.
Then out of the blue, we were talking about holidays and I happened to mention that OH and I were thinking about cruising round Norway as a treat. A couple of days later she had not only invited herself but my uncle (dads brother) on our cruise.

I melted, hit the roof, bounced out of the stratosphere, and then waited for the hammer to fall, the cyclone to hit and the suicidal and stupids to arrive.
But instead I was able to stop sit down and think, for the first time in what seems like forever I was finally able to say, you know what Poppy, you have a right to be mad, you have a right to be angry and upset, this is a perfectly normal reaction it is not because you have BPD, it is not because you can't control yourself, it is a perfectly normal reaction.

There was no bounce, no cyclone, no suicidal thoughts, no lifting, no driving, just a simple initial anger that settled into a decision to do what we want and without her.
OH and I will be going on our cruise together we have decided this, and she will not accompany us and we will stand our ground on this.

This is the result of therapy, the stuff I still don't understand, but has given me tools to use that are fundamental shifts rather than superficial practical answers.

Life, my life feels different, I feel different in my own skin, more settled, more aware, and more able to react faster when I slip into old states. I'm not saying I'm in anyway perfect or cured, but definitely able to understand myself better.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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Blimey Poppy by jove that is so right in regards to
I was able to stop sit down and think, for the first time in what seems like forever I was finally able to say, you know what Poppy, you have a right to be mad, you have a right to be angry and upset, this is a perfectly normal reaction it is not because you have BPD, it is not because you can't control yourself, it is a perfectly normal reaction.
That is what I mean when I say we are not our labels. I was feeling angry on your behalf as I read this. So bloomin normal reaction! we are so brain washed to believe in our labels that we loose our way i know i did.

Hey brilliant that you have a bottom line now the hard bit is to stick to it. yep sounds like the therapy is definitely helping you now in a way that medication never can.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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I've just had a lovely compliment paid to me by a student.

She is in crisis and said I knew when I woke up today I wasn't well, I saw my Dr who has sorted my meds out and said I need to contact university to let them know as I might need some more help.
The only person I wanted to talk to was you. I knew you would support me and tell me the truth.

This is what being a nurse is, this is what gets me through the tough times, those students who want to be nurses, who are doing the best they possibly can, turning up when they are so desperately struggling and when they need some support are brave enough to ask, knowing that I am tough on them. But when they do find me they know I will do everything I can do to help them through this to graduation.
This keeps me happy, keeps me teaching, keeps me, me.
There are times when I really love my job and my students...
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Hey Poppy

What a really great reflection of your personality...

And how you are seen by your students...

They are obviously very impressed with you and find you very approachable...

Well done you!

:hug:
 
Poppy2014

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I don't know whether it's brave or stupid but my PhD supervisors asked for a reflection about something that happened in supervision last week.

I thought long and hard about writing a personal and truthful reflection, but I did and I've sent it in before I chickened out.

While I understand PhD reflection has to be formal, and this one does follows a proper reflective model, the language isn't "formal" but it is powerful and truthful. I wanted them to understand how I write, feel, so it is very much in the same vein as I wrote to S during therapy.

My director of studies has just answered, I'm not really sure what to make of his reply. I suppose I'm just going to have to wait for the feedback.
One day I will get this right.
Hopefully soon.
 
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blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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gee do these educated folk just do these things as an empty exercise. for instance my bro was asked to give a feedback and this after being made to sack 12 or more dedicated and trustworhy folk. he didnt say what he wrote!
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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I don't know... sometimes I wonder what they want you to write and other times I think it's a paper exercise and sometimes it's really useful.
This one was because we realised something had a potential to go wrong and I needed to justify why I was doing what I was doing. It's for part of my PhD and will stop a lot of questions in my viva.
Sometimes they can be heartless gits, I think if I'd been your brother I think I would have just written f**ked off.
It covers everything really succinctly.
 
Shadow-one

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Hey Poppy

Have you managed to find ANY time to actually breathe?? This is a requirement for staying alive (just in case you're not sure) because it sounds like the very basics of staying alive seem to be passing you by :(

You know (you absolutely must know) that you cannot possibly keep up the pace that you feel is required of you... Nobody could. NOBODY.

You have WAY TOO MUCH going on... it's mad poppy... I thought that you had planned to manage what you have to do i.e go home if you need to - sleep when you need to - take the pressure off at work etc...

Poppy you need to take some things out of the equation. You need to take care of your own mental health in order to be in a position to help anybody else...

As for your husband egging you on telling you that you can do everything - to me that sounds like a man that really has NO idea what to say.... God help him he probably thinks there is no right answer..

You don't have S now (which I personally am deeply concerned about) so you are gung ho for everything without a voice if reason....

Please slow down poppy. Your life sounds way too busy.....and I'm worried about you to be honest.

I hope so much that I haven't offended or upset you poppy but I hope I know you well enough for you to appreciate my honesty....

Thinking of you and ALWAYS here..

:hug1:
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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For absolutely no reason today is not a good day.

I cried.

I phoned someone and asked for advice.

Another person now knows I'm fucking stupid

I want to run away instead of helping everyone else sort there problems out.

I'm supposed to be on leave but I'm having to do 5-6 hours work a day.

Today is not a good day.
 
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