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Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Shoot me now.
I've made the decision
I've applied for the job
I haven't a cat in hells chance of getting it but I'd be more angry with myself if I didn't at least try.
The interview experience will be good if I get that far.
If not I will just carry on getting more experience and wait for next time.
 
blacksmoke

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hey Poppy thats a win win situation and i guess cos you are not hyped up about whether you get it or not you are more likely to succeed lol!
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

Well done on being brave and applying for the job :D

You have nothing at all to lose by throwing your name in the pot - and as you said if you don't get it this time - the experience of the interview will stand to you next time..

It's been a long time since I have done an interview - but I have found honesty about what you do know and don't know is the only way to go!
And just be yourself....
You can always be 'willing to learn' which covers the bits you don't know nicely!!

You however always seem very knowledgeable, focused and well balanced at work.....
And I'm sure this will stand to you... :)

I really hope that you do get an interview, and that you feel in the end that you gave it your very best shot...
And if you don't get it then - well you have nothing at all to challenge yourself about..:D

Let us know when it's on Poppy and well done again!
 
Poppy2014

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Want to really give myself a telling off, I have reverted to some of the stupid behaviour I used to do when things were piling up but not some of the more dangerous stuff. I have a lot going on at the minute, too much really and there is nothing I can do this time, it's not something I can ask for help with either as there is nothing to actually do.

I need a talking buddy, I think I'm going to find a short term therapist to get me over this next few weeks, I'm definitely going to have to talk to Josephine my study mentor, just to let her know I'm feeling fidgety.
But and I suppose this is the big thing while I may have dropped a few clangers over the past 10 days, they are not professional ones, nor have I had a meltdown, or cycloned up into a frenzy and this is huge.
At least I'm recognising there is a potential for this to go off the rails and being proactive with it.

I don't think I've ever felt as nervous applying for a job, normally I'm excited about it and ready for it, this time I feel completely overwhelmed and out of my depth, and I'm not sure I really want it (well I am but I'm not sure I want it now) I really feel under prepared for it. I suppose for a comparison it would be like a staff nurse applying for a Matron post without going through the sister, ward manager, specialist role first.

Looking at the job spec I know I can do 2/3rds of it without any problems, it's the other 1/3rd that's the issue. I know the basics, it's the nitty gritty that's the issue, I don't know what everything is yet and I suppose other people wouldn't but they have had a lot more experience. However talking to some of the staff there is no one there with any experience in the role either.
It wouldn't be so bad if it was just my field but it's all fields of healthcare and that means 2 governing bodies to deal with.

I'm just overwhelmed and I don't know how to stop it.
 
M

myguineapigisinnocent

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I relate a lot to this. i have been slipping back into my old BPD coping mechanisms lately and it has caused me to feel much shame. also a lot of stuff oing on with my life although not job related but health related and relationship related (going through possible cancer scare at moment and also supporting a friend through actual cancer).

I think it is a great thing though Poppy2014, that you have not gone into meltdown as you would have done before and that is huge progress. well done for being proactive in recognising things are spiralling a bit for you. Give yourself a pat on the back- you deserve it <3:flower2::bravo:
 
blacksmoke

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a fab idea the talking buddy as this will help keep what you are learning, reg the sessions and the continuation of this at the fore.

new habits take some bedding in. and its practice and more practice that helps and especially if you are raising the stakes reg the possibility of a new job.

talk it out to someone regarding the overwhelm as this will start to slow the loop thinking down.
 
Poppy2014

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I'm turning into someone I don't recognise. I'm opening up and asking for support and guidance.

I met up with Josephine my study mentor and we had a proactive meeting, we agreed I will be more forgiving of my "stupids" and rather than say I cannot go to the gym because I have not done x/y/z I will now say my head needs 5 minutes of personal space, my space time is in the gym and it does not matter if these things are not done tonight (unless they are critical)
The gym us not to be used as a reward for doing something nor a punishment to be withheld if I cannot do something or don't do it today especially in relation to my PhD
I explained that I am punishing myself because I feel like I am nowhere near where I should be and because I know it's my fault I am making things worse.
I know how to study, I know what I should be studying, I'm scared of putting pen to paper and failing
I don't really think I've ever acknowledged that before, even though it has been in the background I don't think I ever understood just how powerful the emotion is. I suppose it goes along with feeling inadequate and the imposter syndrome.
While ever I punish myself by not going to the gym and taking some time out I'm using it as an excuse to keep failing.
Now that's a revelation...
I also spoke to my line manager yesterday and we had a similar discussion, though she is also my new PhD supervisor, I also explained I have been falling backwards a little but nothing too dangerous, she really is all a line manager should be in terms of support I just wish she'd pull her finger out with some HR stuff.
Anyway as daft as it sounds she said to me is it as simple as me saying to you I give you permission to go to the gym and for it to no longer be part of your PhD programme, and a stupid as that sounds yes it is. She has told me that my gym, my space is not a part of my feelings, it should be a part of my life just as simple as breathing is. I should use it to be happy, settled, nourished not to be in pain, sad and hopeless.
So my journey begins. My personal space is in my purse, my gym card and bag are waiting. My new trainers are sat there waiting for me to chose them and for now the thought of belonging to the calmness I have when I enter the gym is exciting.
(I will not be saying this after the first session when everything hurts).

My first session will be next week as unfortunately for the 1st time this year I will be having surgery today. Hoping for day surgery but have been told to expect to be in overnight.
That's my journey for this week completed see you on the other side of the knife.
 
blacksmoke

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gee Poppy such strides you are making. shows maturity emotional maturity.

yep the sabotage self, is at work. most folk dont make the connection. and those that do seem powerless to stop it.

sounds like you are having what i call a lot of revelations/insights. these always happen when we work on ourselves. its what i call black soil gold.

good luck with the operation Poppy hope it all goes well and that you make a speedy recovery.
 
Poppy2014

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Not part of my journey, but if you see a person on the news for committing matricide, it's probably going to be me.
So angry it's unreal
 
Poppy2014

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gulp... Poppy... sounds very bad. hope things will turn out ok
I'm getting there, it is our son's 14th birthday today and to top off some of the things she has done to him over this past year she gave him £10 on Wed and told him she wasn't sure she would be able to get him a card but it didn't matter as long as he got the money. He told her she didn't have to do that he didn't need it.
I know she has had surgery and can't drive but why didn't she just ask me or OH or daughter to pick one up for her... just plain petty.
 
Poppy2014

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Week 16 post therapy.
I'm starting to write again, in preparation for writing to S again at week 21 I have been putting pen to paper and thinking about the current situation. It's long so I' going to post in parts

Well, I’m more than half way there and it’s been rocky in places. Other times it’s been great and I realised at Christmas while was away that I can actually do this. I actually get it... yeah I’m delusional too
I have had times when I think about you, and I’m really grateful for everything you did, for putting up with me, for seeing it to the end when you could quite have easily said no. It took a lot of courage for both of us, I think, to do what we did, and it is only now that I’m starting to feel the benefits. The odd thing is I still don’t actually know what we did, or how and why it should have worked. Then I realised I really don’t “get it” but I’m working with whatever it is.

I can tell you that there are times when I really want to talk to you, worry things out, not for any other reason than I know, you know, how to make me think and you won’t just give me the answers, you’ll make me work for them. Because you aren’t there I get really frustrated and this can tip me a bit, and then there’s been times when I’m really angry at you for not being there, but they are getting further apart. It’s these time when I wonder if a phased ending would have been better, as now there is no one and no hope of anyone, I either have to let go or give in, where at least with a phased ending I would have had a reason to hold on and try to work with it, though it would have still come to an end and I’d still be in the same boat. But it’s no use second guessing we did what did and 95% of the time I think it was the right thing.

I’ve realised what I need now is not therapy but a voice of reason, someone to offload even if it’s just to dump the rubbish on and not do anything with it, but I really don’t want to start with someone new so I decided I would have a go at being my own. It’s been entertaining I can tell you, there is nothing as frustrating as having a discussion with the rational part of yourself when the irrational part wants to take control. The problem is I can see the damn answer and because I’m arguing with myself I can’t get out of it... saying that it does mean I have made some pretty sensible decisions over the last few months.
I have been very careful at work, I sat down and planned out my year and told S2 it would be impossible to do next September like I did this year as I would be data collecting, and to do this and do it right I needed some space and time out. Consequently I have acquired a timetabling assistant and been temporarily removed from 2 modules. (Sensible (S) 1 – Poppy (P) 0)

I have also made full use of my study mentor to keep me on track and writing. (S2 – P 0)
But, the biggest decision I made with the support of S2 and J is that I am going back to the gym (S3 – P 0). This may seem minor but the reason I can actually do it is because of what we did, I allowed the vulnerable one to raise her voice (I let little mouse out again, enabled her to be heard and not overwhelmed by the irrational shiny perfect must do everything me). She recognised that I was using the gym as a punishment rather than a necessity and demanded that she be heard.

In my head the gym is a place where I enjoy total peace, where the world disappears and my total focus is on my body and the sensations there. I have not been to the gym for quite some time now as in my irrationally logical head I can’t go and do something I enjoy when I haven’t done something I should, write a presentation, write a section on my article, or PhD, it became a vicious roundabout, I couldn’t go because I hadn’t done x and now I haven’t done x+y so I definitely can’t go. J, S2 and I have worked on separating the 2 and as daft as it sounds the answer finally came from a conversation with S2 who asked me if it would help if she said she gave me permission to go as my academic supervisor. She asked me to go to the gym and spend 10 minutes there before I came home and did 1 of the case studies for my article. So I did and the 1st study was complete, then the second. She has said I cannot use the gym as part of my PhD at all. The gym is just like my hospital appointments, part of my contract and has a timetabled slot and just like that they are now 2 separate entities (S4 – P 0).
 
Poppy2014

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part 2 apologies for the swearing (this may trigger some people, talk of parental death and anger)

The New Year brought with it some entertainment, the end of Jan and Feb were corkers, first D had surgery on his legs this and the next day my mum fell. She caused chaos. Emergency surgery on Wed for an open fracture of her wrist, and a dislocated elbow. A short spell in ITU followed by more surgery to finish the wrist work, another ITU stay, and then 9 days after the injury a shoulder replacement and another ITU stay. She came home 2 weeks to the day after the day she fell. In between that I finally had surgery on my elbow (9/2), I’ve got 4 months left before they operate on my knee, and then a final one on my other elbow. But all that didn’t tip me over, I tripped up a few times and really annoyed myself but I managed to bring it back into line.

However a 5minute conversation with my mum…

How can she drive me to the edge in less than 10 seconds and how am I going to stop her having this much effect? I really hope she doesn’t know what she’s doing because I can’t believe any mother would be so much of a bi*ch?

The day she was discharged I had 30 minutes by myself with her waiting for her meds. She turned and said to me I’ve been waiting till there’s no one else here. I wanted you to know your dad came, (he’s dead)... I was dreaming about his sister and that she’d come to see me but she was so much younger, like she was when we got married, when your dad came rushing through the doors, he was absolutely distraught, he was so worried about me and really upset that he couldn’t been here for me. I told him to stop being silly, I was doing alright now, I just needed a few pain killers. I told him he needed to go back as I wasn’t coming with him right now, I’d see him when it was my time… Oh P, he was so upset. He’s been before do you know? I’ve heard his voice when my CPAP has been off and he’s warned me, but this is the first time I’ve seen him. It was lovely, he cared so much about me... what a load of fu*king bo*l*cks.

The fu*king bi*ch is she purposefully driving me up the fu*king wall. He didn’t give a rats ass about her nor her him, now it’s a perfect love story, he’s devastated in death, more like he’s worried that she going to go over to his side and he wants to keep her here longer for the fu*king peace. They fu*king deserve each other… and yes I know there are other words in the English language but why go looking when one covers it so well..?

She then told me she wants to change her will to put her nieces (A and L) in because they have helped her so much and she really loves them, she wouldn’t know what she would do if they weren’t there. They didn’t get anything in their mothers will as it went to their dad and when he died they were didn’t get anything then as he’d cut them out of his and “it’s not fair”. These nieces are the one’s she wanted along their mother (J), the ones she (had me) call for when my dad died. J was one who came up to me while I was stood outside trying to get my head round the conversations I just completed and the one left to do, and told me that she hadn’t come for me it was my mother she cared about, just great.
 
blacksmoke

blacksmoke

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I'm getting there, it is our son's 14th birthday today and to top off some of the things she has done to him over this past year she gave him £10 on Wed and told him she wasn't sure she would be able to get him a card but it didn't matter as long as he got the money. He told her she didn't have to do that he didn't need it.
I know she has had surgery and can't drive but why didn't she just ask me or OH or daughter to pick one up for her... just plain petty.
ah yeah its sounds a pitiful effort and like you say...mother's hey
 
Poppy2014

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In the end I finished my writing, or at least what I wanted to say. Once I got to the end I also realised that I didn't want to wait, I didn't want to make week 21 or week 26 anymore important than they were.
So I sent it to S. I told him it is finally time to say goodbye and to thank him for everything.I didn't want a reply or any acknowledgement of the email. I just wanted to send it.
So last Wednesday I did just that.
I sent him the finalised version of the poem, I added to it to cover the ending and the letter.
It's time and I'm ready to put my journey to bed now.
I really appreciate all of your support over the year it has been amazing.
I'm going to have a little time away and spend the next few months focusing on my job and my PhD and trying to develop a new life.

I'll still pop bye and say hello, particularly to those who pm me, please don't stop, I enjoy our conversations. But I'm not going to write any more on here.
Take care everyone. I just want to give some people hope that you can make a real change in life if you have the right therapist and the right therapy at the right time.
Xxx Poppy
 
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