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Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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On Friday I finally opened up to a colleague about having BPD and cPTSD. I did this out of a need to have some support, I did explain when I spoke to him he was quite within his right to say no.

I also share an office with someone who also knows, and we were talking about things.
I've realised that I'm actually quite fearful of attending these staff meetings as it cost me a role I enjoyed the last time I spoke out. I'm worried about that I'm going to struggle not to say things that I want to, or that I may say it in a way I didn't mean to because I'm passionate about fairness. J who shares my office has more confidence in me than I do and says it should not stop me and it is sad that I feel the need to have someone supervising me to make sure I stay safe.

I could really do without this right now, tomorrow I start examining for the next 5 says and have an EMDR session tomorrow afternoon before my next break.
Then it's 1 more session before I go away for 2 weeks


I'm finally getting to take my daughter away to Maastricht to see Andre Rieu live for her birthday (We have only waited for 10 years for decent tickets), then in complete contrast our son's choice of a holiday, (he could go anywhere in Europe) has chosen a caravan in Ingoldmells, (don't ask). We are all still scratching our heads over that one. We have no idea how he picked it other than he said he liked the sound of the name and he's never been in a caravan.😂 so we're off to a caravan in Ingoldmells.

I'm distracting myself, Puppetering myself is something new to me.
 
Lunar Lady

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I'd never heard of Ingoldmells before your mention of it - had to google :D

Fab that you have tickets for Andre Rieu.

Have you heard him perform Anthony Hopkins' waltz?


 
Poppy2014

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Hi Lunar lady,
yes it's quite beautiful, we watched it performed live in concert when he first did it. Unfortunately that time we were sat in a Cinema watching it being streamed.
My daughter has been a great fan of his for about 15 years and for her 21st we went to see him live in Leeds at Christmas(poor girl had the tickets for 5 months) but I promised her we would go and see him live in Maastricht as that's his home town and where he does a huge concert. Getting tickets that weren't 200 rows back has been impossible until this year when I finally managed front row seats for me and her.
 
Poppy2014

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Week 6: trigger warning for childhood s abuse.

We went back to being 12, we talked about how the last week has been, I explained that Monday I was so drained it was unreal, and that Is woken up dreaming and sucking my thumb, that I'd been sleepwalking for the first time in years and that I had been all over the place emotionally. He asked me to go to the dream and focus on that, what it was about and what I remembered.

It was hard, images and thoughts, I remembered why I hate Tom Selleck, and Magnum PI and why I can't even hear the music without feeling sick. We talked about the battle of a 46 year old who thinks she should have stopped things when she realised it was wrong versus an innocent 8 year old who didn't know any better. It was strange, sensations of fear took 1 half of my body while the other half was completely clear, like the battle in my mind.

Then reality kicked in, for the first time I actually realised, properly realised, that while I was 8-14 during the abuse, he was 14 when it started, I never made him any older, never really thought about the fact that he was actually 20 with a long term girlfriend when it stopped. 20!!! I'm still getting my head round this.
Why he would still be doing it and why I still let him.

I now realise the reason it stopped was due to his army posting abroad, not because he wanted to. I recognised that I joined the air cadets 6 months later because I decided I wasn't going to stay scared of boys for the rest of my life. It was the time I started to develop maladaptive coping strategies, the time I developed what were to become the first signs of BPD.

Despite everything stopping, unconsciously I was already believing I was worthless, something that carried on until Steve and CAT. It allowed me to be in an abusive relationship, to accept that it was okay to be used as a punch bag, to be verbally berated and to be put at risk because of someone else's whims.

But to end on a positive it brought me my husband even though the start was rocky, it brought me my stability, it brought me my security and it brought me my not so perfect, but perfect for me, family
 
G

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Trauma then breakthrough. I can only leave you a big hug. I wish I had words.
 
Poppy2014

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Just popped in to say Andre Rieu was just perfect, and Holland has a mountain (at the bottom, otherwise known to all other people as a hill) with a monastery in the middle.
1564243491074.png
 
Poppy2014

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Trigger warnings for childhood s abuse and domestic violence.

I didn't write about my last session of EMDR before I went to see Andre Rieu, because I couldnt, the next day after therapy my brain ha d switched the whole session off. I know it was hard and I know I cried (even when you don't say something you can cry) and I know there were relevations, but I couldn't remember what.

Talking to E this week about it I explained that this bewildered me and left me feeling discombobulated. (I do like that word). He asked me to go back to the first image we had right back to the beginning and think about the distress level from 1-10 i had about that image. It was REALLY weird, the first weeks the image was 8-9now it's 2-3, gives me a bit of a jolt but just isn't there, it's like it's gone into a memory bank that says useless stuff you remember but don't need. We then went into the second image and this is where my mind splits, I can rationalise and bank being 8, the term I should have known better (which my adult person says) now accepts that I was an innocent child, it's okay with that.

But my hypercritical adult is still saying at 14 you should have known better and done something. So this week we concentrated on that.
The problem was bring 14, is so close to being 15 and 15 is a crunch year. It was the year when I put 2+2 together and realised that what I saw at 12 was my dad, the man who was mine, who told me constantly that it was me and him against mum and the boys, and that he was mine and so proud of me, was in fact abusing my older brother. (I now know that A told my parents that he was doing to me what dad was doing to him and they agreed that as long as dad stopped abusing A, they would allow him to carry on abusing me, as he wasn't really hurting me because he loved me) well that's how they rationalised it...

15 was also the year I met D my first "real" boyfriend we met in the month I was 15 and by June he was hitting me on a daily basis. It finally came to a head when he hit me so hard I fell down the stairs fracturing my jaw, ribs and skull. I was just 17 when that happened, 2 months later he tried to drown me in a public swimming pool and I finally found the strength to walk away.

So this week my mind was muddled, I was confused there were 3 strands of Life colliding and I didn't know where to go. I explained this to E and he asked me to stay with A and home, that we would get to D soon. I did that but it was hard and distressing and for the 2nd time I asked to stop, he asked me to try and keep going just a bit longer to try and push through the images and to remember that, they were only images, they were done and gone. I tried and managed another 6 minutes and finally he stopped and sent me off to my safe space, which this week was inside the book "Swallows and Amazons" he is very surprised that my safe space isn't the same place every week but something that meets my needs.

When he asked me to go back to being 12 and how bad was that image, again the early part 8-12 was a 3 but 12-24 was still up there at a 6.

We are going to concentrate on being 14/17 next and try and bring the 3 strands together and send them to the memory bank.

But the worst thing is this week has been really hard Tuesday I was debating about phoning the duty social worker as I couldn't get my thoughts away from suicide, but about 4 hours of reading mindless books I recognised while they were thoughts I had no intention of acting on them, so I've rode this week out feeling high and low in a way I haven't done for years, but I guess that's what this is all about.

Back from a short n real with M and now off again tomorrow with the whole family and I'm feeling really strange about it, I think I would just rather stop at home and let them go as I feel like I'm going to be a Debbie Downer all week. I just can't seem to find my happy.
 
Poppy2014

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I'm cycloning, haven't done this for 2.5 years
EMDR is a killer.
I'm going to have to be careful, old behaviours creeping back, but so far I've been good in my worst trait.

It's getting bad enough to want to check out. I had an OH referral at work, she has made some amazing recommendations, and I would love it If they could be implemented, but apart from Fairy Lu, I don't know any real fairies who can make wishes come true.

On top of EMDR I have my mother and I really can't decide which is worse. At least with her I only have to see her once a blue moon on the other hand EMDR is every fortnight. I thought that gap was too long, and then I had 2 sessions only a week apart. NO, just NO, never again I hadn't processed the week before and we were going back over it, I cried, I asked to stop, he said for 2minutes I meant that session.

He said no and pushed and pushed until I couldn't think straight, I was actually so tired I was falling asleep and he still pushed. He pushed until I shouted and then he smiled at me and took me to a safe space.

I know it's right but this was my first full 70minute session and let me tell you there a a world of difference between 50and 70 minutes.

He's becoming the therapist I need not the one I want, he's taken me at my word, (after asking permission to talk with S) about how far he can push me. It would seem the answer is till I shout at him or swear...

Afterwards we talked about some of the stuff that's been happening and he brought me off the ceiling, then gave me homework.

But today I really blew my top at work via email. I know better than to email when I'm like this, but I was so annoyed I saw red and rather than do what I should and write the rant and email it to my annoyed email box. I sent it to my boss and her boss.

The message was very clear. I was well and truly pissed and they were going to get it back both barrels. I have had enough. If they want me to do something I can only do it If A-i have the right information and B- the staff can bloody teach and are not a bunch of tiny two year olds who can't teach a bunch of students stuff they have/are supposed to have been doing for 10 or more years.

Today just about finished the last string of any nerve I had left. Last week my kneecap dislocated (again) but this time I fell off the step bounced my Achilles tendon of the back of the step and have a partially ruptured tendon. Today was my consultant appointment to get my scan booked to see if they were going to need to operate to fasten it back on it If conservative management would work.

The consultant was lovely, baffled but lovely, whoever booked the appointment from A&E booked it with an upper limb consultant, who poked my Achilles, said mmm, yes it doesn't feel right, there is probably a partial tear, but I can't book your scan because it's not my field. I'll book you in with an ankle and foot specialist. Just carry on until then (it'll be 2-3 weeks)
I GIVE IN.
My mum deserves a post of her own but I need time to process what she's done this time.

I'm so tired. I'm it sure I can do this again
 
mischief

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How are you now @Poppy2014?

It sounds as if you're having an incredibly tough time.
 
Poppy2014

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I'm still in the clouds, but probably a little more safe than previously, at least today despite everything I managed to pull back from writing a really bad career ending email. I need to talk but EMDR isn't for that and while I have couple of options they don't feel right for this.
Unfortunately the one person who could probably have talked me down has given notice at the uni and I'm going to be reallocated a new MH support worker.

In the end I've made 2 positive decisions today, 1 not to send a career ending email and 2 to suspend my PhD until Feb as I just cannot function, my brain is too full and not all the thoughts are good.
I made 1 bad decision today, but in the scheme of things, it wasn't exactly the worst thing I could have done, so while I'm disappointed in myself, I have to be happy that it wasn't worse.

I know it doesn't sound like a lot, but actually writing it down gives me a sense of relief that I can see I'm coming out of a cyclone, rather than letting it overwhelm me altogether.
 
S

so sad

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Hi

How are you getting on?

Mx
 
Poppy2014

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Well I'm back, it's been a really hard few months, and it's still not totally over, but it's looking significantly better than it was 2 months ago.

To go back to September, (well August really) my kneecap dislocated, I fell and damaged my Achilles tendon and finally after 10 weeks I saw an ankle consultant. 5 minutes, 2 tiny tests 1 bending knee and one standing on tiptoes and I have a MRI with contrast booked for the 18th November and a date with surgery sometime after Christmas. He was not a happy bunny, the scan will determine whether I need 8 weeks or 6 months off work, as the Achilles is not partially torn, it's fully ruptured and because I have ruptured it previously the tests done in A+E produced a false positive. All it would have taken was someone to ultrasound it and the scar tissue glowed like a Christmas tree. I should have been immobilised immediately and sent to the inpatient ward for urgent surgery, instead I'm waiting to see how big the surgery is going to be.
3cm tear = 8 weeks off work and 6 months of rehab;
7cm tear = 6 months off work and 6-9 months intensive rehab.
That's next year sorted then.

Mentally, E stopped EMDR and we have spent the past 5 sessions doing talking therapy, he said after the session in September when I asked to stop as I couldn't process anything, I was too far gone, that we needed to spend some time going through the reasons. He really has been a Godsend these past 2 months, having someone who could put my irrational thoughts into some sort of logical order, gave me some starting blocks to rebuild what I know I have, and the comfort to know that some of the thoughts I was having wasn't totally irrational, just my response to them was extreme.

From this I opened up to 2 colleagues at work, I asked for support and guidance in places, I have had meetings with heads of division and school and within these I needed someone to be able to nudge me if I was becoming "out there" or pushing myself into a corner/trouble again.
This is the first time I've been able to go to a meeting knowing I felt safe enough to speak, following the grievance process I'd gone through in March. I now know that I have 4 - 5 people watching my back and don't feel unsafe at work anymore.

Work on the other hand remains overwhelming and despite having legal contracts they bare no resemblance to the work we actually do. I have ideas how to make it better, but need people to listen and believe the figures, the answers and the needs of the staff. But I don't want it to become my job again, so I've started saying no, (finally) and that if the idea is there then it must be collective and other people must speak up at these meetings, as I am no longer prepared to be the gun that fires everyone else's bullets.

Finally I'm in a place to talk about my mum. She is and always will be someone I hate/love with a passion, but she finally topped the list of WTF do you want from me when she asked me to contact my step-brothers children as she wanted to re-establish contact with them. To say my jaw dropped would be an understatement.
She has had no contact with them or their dad since my dad died in 2008, when everything came to a head and my husband gave my brother a beating for his part in my life story.
But like the good daughter I am (the one who no matter how much she knows it will never happen, just hopes that one day her mother will actually love her) I found the kids on Facebook.

I'm what was probably one of the hardest messages I have ever written I contacted my nephew, explaining who I was and what my mum wanted. He was totally confused, as far as he knew his dad had told him and his sister that his grandparents were both dead and he knew nothing about me or my younger brother and at first he thought I was just some sick random person.

I explained there was a lot of bad blood between us but that his nan certainly was alive and would like to talk to him, I told him that was no pressure, gave him her number and left it there. I said If she asked I would say I couldn't find them and the choice was his.

A hour later my mum rang me crying, he'd phoned her had a very brief chat you know the sort when you are trying to put feelers out but it didn't matter he'd rung.
then a couple of days later his sister rang and that was it, she was in heaven. She has grandchildren that don't know her that want to talk and visit her but most importantly they are "her son's" children and If she can't have him they are the next best thing.

So while I always knew I didn't matter, my kids can't abide her, and my husband despises her, we are now firmly at the bottom of the pecking order, and I get blow by blow accounts of everything, she sends birthday cards (pretty ones, not the 29p ones my kids get, they even say grandson/daughter and great granddaughter on them). They have Christmas cards, mine don't as we don't send them in general (she gets one from us). I didn't get a birthday card last year..., Now when I ring her it's on you do sound like J, it quite sure how as she spent 6 years in Scotland, and 4in Oxford, while their young years were in Germany and I know their dad no longer sounds like us.
It's just frustrating that she had grandchildren, but they have seen how she has treated me over the years and now recognise how she treats them and they do not want anything to do with her, but now she has fresh brand new ones who belong to "her son" as that's all that matters in her life now.

It's hard to explain what seems so trivial is causing so many problems, I one hand I firmly believe the sins of the parents should not be promoted into the children, in the other every time I think of them all I can remember is who their dad is and what he did to me.
My husband and children do not want to meet them, but my mum is arranging a party so they can come and meet the family and obviously that means us, my husband is point blank refusing to go, my kids are saying no, and me..I just want it all to go away, but If I don't go it was cause a major argument between and the family, both sides. But really I'm with my husband and kids, I don't want to see them either.

Despite all that, things are looking up and I feel more stable than I have for a while, I recognise where the crunch points are and while I can't do anything about some of it at least I can see ways round/through/over it. This alone is one of the most important things for my own health. It's been a long hard 3 months and a reminder that I shouldn't get to complacent about keeping an eye on my life as a whole rather than the individual strands. As while each bit is a little rough cumulatively they were overwhelming and I nearly dropped the ball with catastrophic effects.
 
S

so sad

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Hi, you really have had a rough few months but its good to see you're coming out of the other side of it. I've missed you on here :)
Hope things with your ankle work out and that colleagues start to support you at work by speaking out themselves. Good luck with it all (especially managing your Mum)
x
 
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