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Poppy, It sounds as though he's in trouble and they need to see you ASAP as action is being taken against him... . I hope they will be supportive of you tomorrow.
I'm sorry your work hours sound illegal and impossible. Know that doesn't help you xx.
I'm glad you're being treated properly re doing the EMDR. My experience was awful, damaging, due to lack of trust, inconsistency and lack of preparation. I hope it helps you. Sounds as though you will get the therapy as it's meant to be done.
Hope OK too to say good luck Shadow with your therapy decision too. This stuff is all so tough xx
 
Poppy2014

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Hi all,
Thank you, it's just everything is happening so fast, one minute I was going to leave it alone and decided to be quiet, I knew I'd won, he knew I'd won and I have a lot more to concentrate on than him. To be honest, since I was removed, I've slept better, work hard but not ridiculously, have booked an actual holiday knowing I'll actually be able to go on it and not worry about what I'm coming back to.

The fact that B has left the uni isn't a surprise, I anticipated it several weeks ago, once the letter went to him. The Dean I see tomorrow isn't the guy who investigated it, he's the one I didn't want to investigate it because he is very close to B and was in the meeting where I "spoke out of turn"...
I am going to mention the hours as our WAM has just come for this year and mine looks beyond horrific. I have an email trail showing how it was changed to meet the university requirements.

Write, I'm sorry you had such a bad time with EMDR, I met with E 6 times before we actually started therapy and he did a 10 minute trial, followed by a 20 minute run before he did this one which was 30 minutes + debrief. From next week I will have 70 minutes in a session, 10 minutes to start, just chat and set the scene, going over anything that came up following the last session, then 45 minutes for EMDR followed by 15 minutes for come down and immediate debrief. As you said it's the trust that's the main thing, being so vulnerable is hard, but I can say without the prep from John, Dave and Steve, there would have been no way I could have done this. I don't understand how people can do EMDR without some sort of prep work. John stabilised my pain and started me with the diagnosis, Dave spent 2 years doing emotional recognition and self soothing, Steve battered me but CAT was phenomenal and E will finish everything off with EMDR going over some of the worst memories, those that still pinch my calm.

Tomorrow I will be calm, she says with all good intentions and hope. I've done it once I can do it again.
 
Shadow-one

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I know this wasnt aimed at me but i'm a bit confused, would you be seeing all of the people you named or would you be swapping Catherine for Finnoula? :unsure:

If you'd like my opinion as well, when it comes to dates I'd say go with whatever feels right for you :grouphug:

Of course, feel free to tell me to mind my own business if you just wanted Poppy's opinion and nobody else's :hug:
Hi Midnight,

I'm delighted to get your opinion thanks :hug:

I specifically wanted to ask Poppy as she has such a huge amount of theapy and has had these type of changes before so I knew she would be objective (where I can't be)

It wasn't that I didn't want anyone else to offer opinions - I just didn't want to be taking over Poppys thread by raising my own issues in it!

Thanks for you support and advice....

Oh and to answer your question - yes I would be leaving Catherine my psychotherapist and starting with Finnoula the psychologist! :panic:
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Shadow,

Having 3 sessions then a break of 4 weeks would be a nightmare in my opinion, especially if it's a new therapy and you are just getting into it. You would be just developing your relationship.

If I had the option, you are right, finishing Catherine 1 week and starting with Fionnoula the next isn't good as you will still have an emotional attachment to her, especially given the long relationship between you both.

I'll be honest here and say I often felt Catherine backed down to you when you became upset. If you remember Steve pushed me so hard I ran, but the same day I realised I was exactly where I needed to be rather than where I wanted to be and as I asked Steve to push me and not back down was the only reason I made the progress to get me to where I am now.

So if it's possible I would plump for the end of August with Fionnoula and 4 weeks with Clare to give you the break between one therapy and the next and reduce the reliance on Catherine with support, and a break from therapy even if you are seeing Clare may be exactly what you need to get ready.

BTW I'm not brave, EMDR scares the shit out of me, but I know that E will support me and keep me safe, it's about having the trust in the person to push you past the limits of comfort, to take you to the parts that hurt and to deal with everything that comes with it.

Good luck with whatever you decide. XXXX Poppy
Hey Poppy

Thanks so much for your advice.... It's exactly what I need to hear..

I think you're right about Catherine (although hating to admit it) but yes, she has backed down on occasions when I was finding things difficult and was afraid she was getting too close to home. She would then always say that we will go there when I feel more stable. She sees an expert in BPD every few months in the UK and always brings my case to her... And that lady has told her to expect years of very slow work with me so I think that's part of why she can pull back at times.

In saying this - if I were to be honest - I seem to be able to get around people to do what I want most of the time.... If I were to name it - it would be Manipulation..... I seem to have a knack of people letting me off the hook - even the Crisis Team who would have definitely followed their very clear structured procedure at times when I have said things about SH -but they never have done it with me because I get around them.. I'm beginning to see it in a more negative light of late however... Hard NOT to do it when being in control of myself and my world seems to be my strongest survival technique.

So I think I might now finish with Catherine in the 2nd week in July as Finnoula goes on 4wks holidays - and meet Claire only until Finnoula is back in August so I'll be a better place emotionally....

Thanks again Poppy - you are always straight up and that's exactly what I need....
And I remember well the day you ran out on Steve...... but more importantly I remember that you did go back......

:hug:
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

To get your thread back on track after my 'sabotage' :rofl2:

Best of luck with your meeting today....... You will be great...

I know you probably have everything you want to see written out - but if not do so you don't leave and remember something that will haunt you afterwards...

Let us know how you get on....

:hug:
 
Poppy2014

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Oops....
Well,
Shadow, I've said before thread hijacking is absolutely fine, it's not "my" thread I just happen to contribute to it... In terms of what you said about "manipulation" not sure if you remember, but Steve used to call it "puppetering" he said I held all the strings of people around me and put them where I wanted to and how I wanted to. Manipulation is done with malicious intent and neither one of us did it maliciously, we did it to protect ourselves, it's our coping mechanism. Now you can see it, you have learn how to control it.

Catherine sounds very much like Dave was for me, excellent to talk to about the stars, the moon and the sky, just not about the emotions that make the world go round!!! He didn't have the confidence to push back and call it. Because I gave Steve permission and told him I would fight him every step of the way, he took me at my word and pushed me further and harder than any other patient he'd dealt with. I vividly remember him telling me I drove him to seek therapy at one point as he really thought he couldn't help me. I was really upset to see just how much self doubt he had, because I'd manipulated him intentionally during one session, not puppetering, pure manipulation because I didn't want to do what he wanted.
That was our turning point; I didn't want him to feel like that, I knew he could help me so much, I was just scared to let him in. 3 more weeks and I finally capitulated, I gave him total control over me and he never once abused that control. From then on I listened, worked hard and did everything he asked.

Sounds like you have a good plan, logical and practical, I think if someone had mentioned leaving Catherine a year ago, you'd have told them to take a jump from a tall building. So well done on being brave enough, good enough and absolutely strong enough to take that jump into the unknown. You go......

Now for my half.
In 30 minutes I managed to cram a lot in... I told him all about what happened, he offered me the field lead role back, I politely turned him down, he has said I can support the new lead (which helps) and hopefully it will mean that she will feel less stressed in her role.
He was on my side, even went as far as saying there wasn't anything in the meeting he remembers me saying that was out of order, wrong or aggressive and if he had known about the situation with B he would have stopped it immediately (makes me glad in some ways he didn't, rather enjoying less stress...), asked me what I needed to make me feel like I was a valued member of the team... I thought REALLY LONG and hard for about 30 seconds...he told me I could say anything as I wouldn't upset him, so I did.
I told him we as a team of adult lecturers felt unsupported, our WAM's were appalling and untruthful, we were suffering from burnout/stress, work overload and no one was listening.
We had more students, less staff and were being penalised for it, being told we had nothing to be proud of for our hard work in maintaining our league table position, and a whole host of other things including the fact that after having been there for nearly 4 years I had only seen him twice and the first time I thought he was a student...
Outcome, the adult team have a 3 monthly meeting with him until we feel we have some support, that what we do is recognised and that we are kept up to date with everything that concerns us at higher levels rather than being locked out.
He's going to sort my letter out and was annoyed the B didn't do anything about it or even inform him that he was under investigation. So all in, I think I did okay.
Baffled but okay, went in for a complaint and came out with 3 monthly meetings for the team.

(Shadow, that's what you can call manipulation, had an agenda, had some peripheries, came out with both and he never knew what hit him!)
 
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Poppy that’s flipping awesome. That’s the best possible outcome you could have hoped for. Better still, you not only helped yourself, but you helped others, too. Well done. Really. I mean it! Xo
 
Poppy2014

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Well the meetings have been put in our diaries, (3 for now) and I have had positive comments from the staff for arranging them, lets see what happens now.

Week 4 EMDR
I cried, I hurt, I was stressed and I finally told E I needed to stop, but I made it to 35 minutes.
Today E explained a little more about what he wants from me as I was honest and told him sometimes I don't understand what he means and what he actually wants from me.
For example, the first question he asks is about how I felt the last session and have I had any movement? I wasn't sure what he meant, it was confusing me so I stopped and decided to be honest and say I wasn't sure what he meant.

I'm not sure if I've explained but when we do the actual session it's covered as a train journey, starting at a fixed point in time and then let my mind take me to places in time that hurt, mean something, cover periods of uncertainty, but at the end of the day only I can do it, and I have to be honest and go to the places that hurt. At the same time as my mind is going on a train journey my eyes are watching a bar with green lights on it that light up in singles, doubles and quads, and he controls the speed, the length of time between "stations". A station is where he stops me and asks me to tell him how I feel there and then, wanting to know if it's images, thoughts, feelings and I do my useless best to try and figure it out.

But, he explained in terms I understood... that was brilliant, I could finally see what he meant and what he wanted and this allowed me to think about things in a different light.

The first session we started he picked a point from my timeline, he chose the day my brother went missing, the day that my parents fought in the street and the day I found out that my brother was in fact my step brother in quite a brutal way, my dad shouted at mum get that Ba**ard back to it's father, my step brother was 14 at the time. 2 weeks later the abuse started and the rest as they say is history. E couldn't have picked a harder day to start on of he'd tried. Anyway, he wanted me to think of that image and given that the first time he asked me how distressed that image made me feel on a 1-10 scale I could say without thinking that it was a 9.

On Monday when he asked I couldn't think of it as distressing, I told him that actually I was okay about coming up to about 2 hours before the session started and then I started with palpitations, nerves, nausea and wanted to eat... He said that was a good sign as it meant I was becoming emotionally attached to the sessions and was now invested in therapy. He said he would be more worried if after 3 sessions I didn't feel anything as it meant I was detached.

So the session started, we got on the train age 8 and started the journey, the problems started immediately, I didn't want to be 8, I didn't want to go on that journey, my mind wanted to be 15 and start on a whole new journey. I stopped E and told him it wasn't behaving, and I'd changed trains today... He got it, and said okay go for that journey, there must be a reason why the journey is important today.
So Monday was all about my mum, her words, her hate, the absolute total disregard for her daughter, he becoming a widow, her telling me she knew, about my dad, and this week she asked me to contact my step brother as son and daughter have had more children and got married, then caused my son to become distressed and finally driving me crazy in general.
Phoning me at work to ask me to pick up some cat food she has forgotten.

By the time I finished the journey, I was crying, I was lost, I didn't know where to go or how to get back on the train and move away from the distress and fear. E told me to stay there, to find my way, to own my feelings and accept them. He asked me to then go back to the initial thought, to just move to stop being lost and to go straight back to being 8. I tried, I really did, but as soon as I started the journey I went straight to my safe space, I couldn't do any more and E told me to stop immediately and he was really pleased that I had the confidence to ask to stop rather than try and fake it.
He let me have 5 minutes just thinking about it, being there, in the library, in the bean bag with Amy or Jean bringing me a cup of tea and letting me curl up in the quiet room with a book (or 2 or 3 depending on when it closed) then going home with 10 books and coming back in 2 days to do it all again.

He then asked me to tell him all about my safe space, describe it to him and then we talked about how I felt now, was I calming down. I went to pick Dan up from school and we got home at 4 by 4:30 I was out cold, the rest of my day completely gone as I slept until 12 got up, had something to eat and went back to bed at 2, got up at 7:30 today, still washed out tired, but mentally more settled.

It's all getting real now, we are in the real session's and it's getting as tough as I expected it to be, unless it gets harder here on in.
 
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This is so different to my experience of EMDR, as I said. I'm really glad that E is working through things with you properly. Hard stuff. Keep going and I hope you reap the rewards in time xx
 
Poppy2014

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This week has been so strange, I know E said I would experience shifts in moods / states and thoughts / nightmares. However what he failed to mention was the hyper / hypo states and the anger that would corrupt my week and send me off into the stratosphere. I've been hyper hyper this week, however following a discussion with M (my mental health PhD support) she did help me realise that while I was hyper I was practising safe self care, I had recognised the state I was in and what I needed to do to ensure I did not end up in the same mess I did last time I felt like this.
I had a meeting with my new head of division (C) who I was very nervous about meeting as I'm not sure just how much I can or want to trust her, so rather than discuss my needs I explained about the grievance. She knew I had filed one but not the outcome, she did however tell me she had spoken to B and told him the way he was going about it was wrong and there were protocols and couldn't it just be a conversation. She was told no and I had to be out of the role by the end of the week. She also told me that our Dean (who assured me he knew absolutely nothing about it) was the one who told him to get rid of me, now either the Dean sat there and knowingly lied to me for 10 minutes or as in the report B stated it was his decision to remove me in which case B knowingly lied to 2 staff about the Dean's involvement. Now I'm just pissed off, second guessing myself, wondering if I've been manipulated by someone better than me, in which case I'm getting soft in this post CAT phase.

I'm all over the place emotionally, I've had a migraine when I went to bed and it's still there when I wake up, 10 days of treatment and it's still putting up a fight. 2 more days and I'm going to hit it with an injection and then fight with the Gp's for some more... I've also been having really bad hypersomnia attacks, in so much as when I get home from work (about 6ish) I have something to eat, and then go to bed and sleep till 7 the next morning, driving has become hazardous as I'm doing the dropping to sleep thing, I haven't done for 4-5 weeks, so my gut feeling is the attacks are definitely emotionally related, but its chicken and egg. Has E caused the hyper emotion or has the Dean's response set me off and E topped it off.

All I know is it better change by Monday as round 5 comes along and this time round 6 is the week after, then I get a week off. I'm not sure I can deal with the fall out if this carries on and I'm not sure who to ask to make sure I keep safe in the meetings as I don't want to lose my job altogether.

I vaguely broached that I had MH problems with C and that I'm in therapy, on the understanding that this remains confidential as I know from a management point only my previous line managers know. I mentioned I may need support but I'm not sure how much she took in.
Then to finally blow my week to hell, M told me it is possible the university may not pay for her services next year and allocate me a 3rd MH PhD support, which is no good, I've finally found a female I can trust, who has the appropriate background and knowledge and who is prepared to bend the rules if I need something different that particular session, she will let me know for definite on the 24th, but is not optimistic as 8 of her students graduate this time. This is ridiculous as I know the wait for a study mentor is 2-3 months and they are letting one of the good ones go.

Rant over
Cats, pretty cars, nice books, red ducks and green dragons, I will not think of....no I won't... absolutely not...
more PhD work tomorrow.
ah well
 
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I always find I have a surge of anger when I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. It’s ok to be angry, just make sure it’s sent in the right direction.

You have said it was a relief to not have the same stress when you were “demoted”... take ego out of the equation and look practically on what is good for you.

You still have a job. You have at least one dean in your corner if it becomes unbearable. You now realize that the other dean is full of it. This is all good. You hold the cards. Realize that. Xo
 
Poppy2014

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Session 5 (Trigger warning for those with childhood S abuse.)

It's taken 4 days to be able to write about Monday's session, I've finally finished processing it in a way that makes it possible to write down without reliving it again.
This week we built a new train station, by that I mean previously We started our train journey
at a main station called Being 8. The journey then travelled along a series of stops along the way.
As in week 4 I didn't want/need to start at Being 8 and something else happened, this week he decided we were having a new main station and line. This station is called Being 12.
Being 12 is all about sexual abuse, when it started, what happened and the worst memories I have of this and where this journey stops and starts. E asked me what was the worst memory I have of this and that is where we build the train station.
I think I finally get it, this time I hurt, I had chest pain, throat pain, felt like I was being choked, I felt dirty, distressed, angry, resigned, and finally I couldn't feel anymore. I was overwhelmed, distraught and wanted to run away.

He took me to a safe space, told me to find a memory that could make me smile, laugh, and somewhere I wanted to be. Once I managed to come back to earth I was able to explain why it was so bad.
I left at 2:45 to pick D up from school, by the time I got there I was dead on my feet. I fell asleep in the car, could barely keep my eyes open on the way home, and by 4pm I was in bed fast asleep, I didn't wake until 2am when I got up to have something to eat, and back in bed by 3.
I found myself waking up sucking my thumb, something I used to do as a child for comfort, nightmares have been a big part of this week and hypersomnia and hyper vigilance have been occurring almost daily.

But I really think I got it this time
 
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Oh poppy, rough session. Hug.
 
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