Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Week 3 EMDR,

Bloody hell, is the initial thought, quickly followed by OH BLOODY HELL, further followed by Sh*T
I think that about sums up this week.

Last week was a 1st attempt; this week was the real event. I explained that after last week I felt numb, dead really, when we finished. But when I finished reflecting on the session, I felt that I had done something wrong we analysed this death, me trying to unsuccessfully explain why I felt like this and him trying to understand the ramblings of someone who has forgotten how to speak emotion. Finally we got there, when I was able to explain that I felt like this because there were several instances where I knowingly moved the points on the train track so my journey would go in a different (happier) journey so I didn't have to see or feel the emotions.

This is where E told me that is my protective mode coming out and I should try not to move myself. Easier said than done.

I also explained that emotions are difficult, and while in therapy I had time to think about emotions while here he just stopped the lights and expected me to be able to tell him how I felt, and this was impossible as I just haven't got the skills for that. I thought I had but over the years I've gotten used to having time to reflect and now I don't. So I spent time explaining my coloured bodies to him and how they helped me deliver a language, now I need to practice it again.

This week went smoother, I felt occasionally like I started drifting, and pulled it back, and at times the lights became lines as my focus shifted from the lights to the images.
Most of the time when he stopped and asked I was able to give words, I was able to tell him I was experiencing feelings and where they were, and more often than not what they were.

This session was much more disturbing though, although last time I felt I'd gone to far in such a short space of time, this time I went much further but actually stopped myself veering off the tracks into the happy views and stuck with the stuff that needed processing. Also at one point I was able to explain I needed to go backwards as I knew the train wreck was coming and I really didn't want to be involved in it again. E stopped me and explained that as I was already seeing the train wreck I was heading towards it and not to try and let myself become protective again. I had a go, even I could see the difference, my fist clenched so hard I got cramp, my breathing changed so much I think it hit around 40 breathes a minute.
I had palpitations, chest and back pain, and my jaw was clenched so hard I thought my nice gold back teeth were definitely going to break.

But I did it, I hit the train wreck and E stopped the session there. We went to a safe space this week my safe space is my library, the one place where I was safe from everything, it was my salvation, my peace and my ability to get lost in something that would never hurt.
I explained that today I collect my books from my childhood, these are the things I need around me, my safe space and I have all of the ones that meant the world to me. They also brought me a bunch of new people, people who I wouldn't have contact with otherwise, they gave me a space to go away and spend some time doing silly things, the stuff I missed out on but should have had.

This week brought me anger, distress and utter exhaustion. I left therapy at 2:40, sat in the car for 10 minutes, then drove to school to pick my son up. Driving back I realised I could barely keep my eyes open, I asked my son if he wanted a McDonald's as I wasn't even up to cooking something simple. Fortunately like most teenagers he was quite amenable. We walked in at 4 and b 4:30 I was out cold waking at 1:30 in the morning, which wasn't in the plan, but gave me some thinking time.

I've realised following this session that I need to work more on my snap language, and develop some resilience skills, E told me that it would be possible to have nightmares, flashbacks and feel distressed, he missed absolutely knackered.
I also told him about writing, he thought I was going for a private journal, then a blog, then he cottoned on that it was a public forum, not sure if he was more surprised than worried, but I told him if he tried hard enough I was easy enough to find.

Overall, it was something very different, the quiet, the peace, the listening, trying to understand what was wanted, without dwelling was difficult. I still think this is going to be one of the hardest things I've done, even writing about it brings back emotions, but I can see what he means now and I hope that I can manage to work out what to do quickly.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Okay!
Stupid question day today.

I have a study mentor who supports my MH while I'm doing my PhD.
She is very good and certainly the only female (therapy) worker I've felt comfortable enough to be myself, open up about my fears and hopes to.
She is one of the few people who help me see the sky without chopping down the trees. She leads, guides, supports and pushes my boundaries without making me feel hopeless or helpless.
I like her and thats strange.

Today we set a plan for the next 12 months.
Due to my little walk on the naughty list side at work, I now have to have a new line manager, I don't trust her, I can't tell her about my MH although I suspect she knows but can't prove.

However she holds my workload in her hands, and without her support I can and will get over run with work.
We have now been told our bottom line admissions numbers are 2times what we have now.
This means a single lecture I delivered once a term 3 years ago, 3 times 2 years ago, and 5 times this year will now be 9 times next year. My big module that 3 years ago had 1250 students on 5 courses will have 2494 this year on 16 courses and i am expected to marshall all their training while teaching what would have been 6 modules and now be 12.
This means apart from 2 weeks at Christmas 1 day in the summer there will be students in uni or on placement every single day.
I will have over 200 assignments to mark in 2 weeks while still teaching 6-8 hours a day without a break, which is illegal.

So, my question is simple, do I tell or not?
Do I just say NO.
Do I refuse to complete my Workload model, as its a lie anyway.
Do I openly lead the revolt as I've started, and its been duly noted.
And the spoils if we win are immense. But my personal loss could be huge. (I could become a union rep and hide behind that!!
Or do I gently lead the revolt and hope I don't get hung.
(p.s. I've already accidentally started 1revolt, because i didn't check the reply not the reply all button, so I sent my very scathing answer to everyone, who then copied it and sent it to everyone. Meaning the NMC, CQC, and OFSTED got to see the reply.
They have now required the university to appoint 10 lectures before Christmas, or risk losing validation. My inbox was rather busy at afternoon)
Answers to today's mulling overs anyone?
 
G

Girl interupted

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Take the emotions out of it and look at it pragmatically. Make an effort to do the workload and ask for help if you are drowning. At that point I would speak with your supervisor and ask her advice on how to manage. But do try to do it initially. They need to see you meeting at least halfway.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Thank you,
I know what you are saying makes sense
I didn't quite put the detail in.
We are supposed to work 1550 hours a year, 300 of which is purely my research.
Last year when I completed my workload model it showed I my workload allocation (WAM) would be 2470 hours. This was submitted and I received an email saying I could not submit this as it breached WTD.
I had to amend it, I refused as this was my true allocation.
2 weeks later I received an email from HR stating my WAM was 1.5 hours over and where could they take the 1.5 hours from. I asked for a copy and was told the boss had adjusted my hours to make them fit.
I told them to do what they wanted.
If my student numbers double my WAM is going to be close to 5000 hours.
I can't do it, its physically impossible.
I don't even know where to start.
 
G

Girl interupted

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I think it’s a test to establish a “history of non-compliance.” I’ve seen crappy managers do stuff like this. I’m concerned if you go and complain, they will use it against you.

It is impossible hours. So you need to tackle it from what you can do. And ask other colleagues about their schedules, how are they handling it?
 
Poppy2014

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We are all in the same mess, there are 11 of us who teach, and our WAM average last year was 2366 hours each. We all had our hours reduced to comply with the 1550 regulations, its amazing that every single member of our unit worked the same number of hours despite our WAM saying something very different.
The highest number was 2790 and the lowest 1987
Not bad really.
Double the students no increase to staff means we are all going to be doing a whole increase of numbers.
Heigh ho.
Let's see.
 
G

Girl interupted

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So at the very least you should host a dinner with your colleagues to brain storm. Try to figure out a way to at least meet management’s demands halfway, then push it back on them to figure out a solution. Bear in mind you are not privy to budgeting. Their hands may be tied in that regard.

But I think if you work with your colleagues, there’s strength in numbers.

It just reeks of manipulation though to set you up, so be careful.
 
Shadow-one

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Gosh Poppy - that sounds completely outrageous.... And illegal..... How on earth can they even begin to justify it? Crazy..... You should definitely get a few more people if you can who feel the same way and approach the idiot decision maker as a group... Totally ridiculous...

Your therapy sounds so challanging Poppy..... But I always have felt that you aren't afraid of pushing yourself if you are confident that you're with the right therapist and can see benefit for you in doing it... I always think you're very brave :)

I love reading about how you're doing so keep us posted!
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to get your opinion on something as you are very wise in terms of therapy (I think anyway :D) and I'm in a bit of a quandry...

So my Psychiatrist fast tracked me in CMHT to see the Psychologist there to try and help me with the sorry state of my life....

As you know I have been going to Catherine (Psychotherapist) for almost 4years now so this change is absolutely MASSIVE.... I did agree to try Psychology with Finnoula as my Psychiatrist really went out of her way to get me an appointment within 4wks (in January) when the waiting list is 11mths.... Also my psychiatrist really does think that the structure of psychology being very different from what I'm doing could really benefit me - so she is really trying to help me..

We agreed a timeframe of finishing/starting at the end of April but I ended up in hospital for 9 days so this got pushed out.....

So here is my quandry - I am still seeing Catherine at the moment....... Finnoula is going on holidays from June 3rd until the week of June 17th.... She has offered to start our sessions then - so we would do 3 sessions and then she is on holidays again last 2wks July first 2wks August...

So that would be a break of two appointments as we will meet fortnightly.... I have also been given the option of starting at the end of August when she is back fully.....

I will see Finnoula every two weeks and the week I don't see her, I will see Claire for a session - she's my key worker and nurse..... really lovely....

So based on your extensive experience of therapy - can I ask your opinion on which date I should start? Do you think to start June 17th and have 3 sessions and then a break would be the right thing - just see what it's like and then have some time off - or am I better to start in August when she is back fully?

In my thought process it the fact that I am now talking about June or August when this was meant to happen in April - so I do feel everyone has been very patient with me........ but I need to decide what's best for me in this.... If I go for June - I will have finished with Catherine so would have 4wks of just seeing Claire - but is this better than finishing one week with Catherine and walking into completely new therapy the following week........

HELP!!!

Any advice would be great Poppy.......

Thanks a mill :hug:
 
midnightphoenix

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Hi Poppy

I hope you don't mind but I just wanted to get your opinion on something as you are very wise in terms of therapy (I think anyway :D) and I'm in a bit of a quandry...

So my Psychiatrist fast tracked me in CMHT to see the Psychologist there to try and help me with the sorry state of my life....

As you know I have been going to Catherine (Psychotherapist) for almost 4years now so this change is absolutely MASSIVE.... I did agree to try Psychology with Finnoula as my Psychiatrist really went out of her way to get me an appointment within 4wks (in January) when the waiting list is 11mths.... Also my psychiatrist really does think that the structure of psychology being very different from what I'm doing could really benefit me - so she is really trying to help me..

We agreed a timeframe of finishing/starting at the end of April but I ended up in hospital for 9 days so this got pushed out.....

So here is my quandry - I am still seeing Catherine at the moment....... Finnoula is going on holidays from June 3rd until the week of June 17th.... She has offered to start our sessions then - so we would do 3 sessions and then she is on holidays again last 2wks July first 2wks August...

So that would be a break of two appointments as we will meet fortnightly.... I have also been given the option of starting at the end of August when she is back fully.....

I will see Finnoula every two weeks and the week I don't see her, I will see Claire for a session - she's my key worker and nurse..... really lovely....

So based on your extensive experience of therapy - can I ask your opinion on which date I should start? Do you think to start June 17th and have 3 sessions and then a break would be the right thing - just see what it's like and then have some time off - or am I better to start in August when she is back fully?

In my thought process it the fact that I am now talking about June or August when this was meant to happen in April - so I do feel everyone has been very patient with me........ but I need to decide what's best for me in this.... If I go for June - I will have finished with Catherine so would have 4wks of just seeing Claire - but is this better than finishing one week with Catherine and walking into completely new therapy the following week........

HELP!!!

Any advice would be great Poppy.......

Thanks a mill :hug:
I know this wasnt aimed at me but i'm a bit confused, would you be seeing all of the people you named or would you be swapping Catherine for Finnoula? :unsure:

If you'd like my opinion as well, when it comes to dates I'd say go with whatever feels right for you :grouphug:

Of course, feel free to tell me to mind my own business if you just wanted Poppy's opinion and nobody else's :hug:
 
Poppy2014

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Hi Shadow,

Having 3 sessions then a break of 4 weeks would be a nightmare in my opinion, especially if it's a new therapy and you are just getting into it. You would be just developing your relationship.

If I had the option, you are right, finishing Catherine 1 week and starting with Fionnoula the next isn't good as you will still have an emotional attachment to her, especially given the long relationship between you both.

I'll be honest here and say I often felt Catherine backed down to you when you became upset. If you remember Steve pushed me so hard I ran, but the same day I realised I was exactly where I needed to be rather than where I wanted to be and as I asked Steve to push me and not back down was the only reason I made the progress to get me to where I am now.

So if it's possible I would plump for the end of August with Fionnoula and 4 weeks with Clare to give you the break between one therapy and the next and reduce the reliance on Catherine with support, and a break from therapy even if you are seeing Clare may be exactly what you need to get ready.

BTW I'm not brave, EMDR scares the shit out of me, but I know that E will support me and keep me safe, it's about having the trust in the person to push you past the limits of comfort, to take you to the parts that hurt and to deal with everything that comes with it.

Good luck with whatever you decide. XXXX Poppy
 
Poppy2014

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In my life, can I be a little bit OMG.
The Dept Head who I brought the grievance against, hasn't done anything about what he was supposed to do. Today I received an email from work saying he is leaving effective immediately.... Go figure.
I then received an email from HR asking me if my case had been resolved, so I said no.
Tomorrow I have a meeting with the Dean of the school to discuss it.
Scared beyond anything
 
blacksmoke

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just hang on in there Poppy you have done nothing wrong. just hold your nerve and know what your bottom line is good luck!!
 
G

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No don’t be scared. You were brave and he was an asshat. It’s good he is gone, I’m pretty sure everyone else who endured his nonsense sent up a silent cheer. You are the hero.
 
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Girl interupted

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It’s an opportunity to speak about your hours too. You can explain everyone is in the same boat. Be compliant and gracious though, remember this dean is on your side. The more flexible you are, the more he will try to find a solution, I’ll wager.
 
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