This week has been so strange, I know E said I would experience shifts in moods / states and thoughts / nightmares. However what he failed to mention was the hyper / hypo states and the anger that would corrupt my week and send me off into the stratosphere. I've been hyper hyper this week, however following a discussion with M (my mental health PhD support) she did help me realise that while I was hyper I was practising safe self care, I had recognised the state I was in and what I needed to do to ensure I did not end up in the same mess I did last time I felt like this.
I had a meeting with my new head of division (C) who I was very nervous about meeting as I'm not sure just how much I can or want to trust her, so rather than discuss my needs I explained about the grievance. She knew I had filed one but not the outcome, she did however tell me she had spoken to B and told him the way he was going about it was wrong and there were protocols and couldn't it just be a conversation. She was told no and I had to be out of the role by the end of the week. She also told me that our Dean (who assured me he knew absolutely nothing about it) was the one who told him to get rid of me, now either the Dean sat there and knowingly lied to me for 10 minutes or as in the report B stated it was his decision to remove me in which case B knowingly lied to 2 staff about the Dean's involvement. Now I'm just pissed off, second guessing myself, wondering if I've been manipulated by someone better than me, in which case I'm getting soft in this post CAT phase.
I'm all over the place emotionally, I've had a migraine when I went to bed and it's still there when I wake up, 10 days of treatment and it's still putting up a fight. 2 more days and I'm going to hit it with an injection and then fight with the Gp's for some more... I've also been having really bad hypersomnia attacks, in so much as when I get home from work (about 6ish) I have something to eat, and then go to bed and sleep till 7 the next morning, driving has become hazardous as I'm doing the dropping to sleep thing, I haven't done for 4-5 weeks, so my gut feeling is the attacks are definitely emotionally related, but its chicken and egg. Has E caused the hyper emotion or has the Dean's response set me off and E topped it off.
All I know is it better change by Monday as round 5 comes along and this time round 6 is the week after, then I get a week off. I'm not sure I can deal with the fall out if this carries on and I'm not sure who to ask to make sure I keep safe in the meetings as I don't want to lose my job altogether.
I vaguely broached that I had MH problems with C and that I'm in therapy, on the understanding that this remains confidential as I know from a management point only my previous line managers know. I mentioned I may need support but I'm not sure how much she took in.
Then to finally blow my week to hell, M told me it is possible the university may not pay for her services next year and allocate me a 3rd MH PhD support, which is no good, I've finally found a female I can trust, who has the appropriate background and knowledge and who is prepared to bend the rules if I need something different that particular session, she will let me know for definite on the 24th, but is not optimistic as 8 of her students graduate this time. This is ridiculous as I know the wait for a study mentor is 2-3 months and they are letting one of the good ones go.
Cats, pretty cars, nice books, red ducks and green dragons, I will not think of....no I won't... absolutely not...
more PhD work tomorrow.
Session 5 (Trigger warning for those with childhood S abuse.)
It's taken 4 days to be able to write about Monday's session, I've finally finished processing it in a way that makes it possible to write down without reliving it again.
This week we built a new train station, by that I mean previously We started our train journey
at a main station called Being 8. The journey then travelled along a series of stops along the way.
As in week 4 I didn't want/need to start at Being 8 and something else happened, this week he decided we were having a new main station and line. This station is called Being 12.
Being 12 is all about sexual abuse, when it started, what happened and the worst memories I have of this and where this journey stops and starts. E asked me what was the worst memory I have of this and that is where we build the train station.
I think I finally get it, this time I hurt, I had chest pain, throat pain, felt like I was being choked, I felt dirty, distressed, angry, resigned, and finally I couldn't feel anymore. I was overwhelmed, distraught and wanted to run away.
He took me to a safe space, told me to find a memory that could make me smile, laugh, and somewhere I wanted to be. Once I managed to come back to earth I was able to explain why it was so bad.
I left at 2:45 to pick D up from school, by the time I got there I was dead on my feet. I fell asleep in the car, could barely keep my eyes open on the way home, and by 4pm I was in bed fast asleep, I didn't wake until 2am when I got up to have something to eat, and back in bed by 3.
I found myself waking up sucking my thumb, something I used to do as a child for comfort, nightmares have been a big part of this week and hypersomnia and hyper vigilance have been occurring almost daily.
On Friday I finally opened up to a colleague about having BPD and cPTSD. I did this out of a need to have some support, I did explain when I spoke to him he was quite within his right to say no.
I also share an office with someone who also knows, and we were talking about things.
I've realised that I'm actually quite fearful of attending these staff meetings as it cost me a role I enjoyed the last time I spoke out. I'm worried about that I'm going to struggle not to say things that I want to, or that I may say it in a way I didn't mean to because I'm passionate about fairness. J who shares my office has more confidence in me than I do and says it should not stop me and it is sad that I feel the need to have someone supervising me to make sure I stay safe.
I could really do without this right now, tomorrow I start examining for the next 5 says and have an EMDR session tomorrow afternoon before my next break.
Then it's 1 more session before I go away for 2 weeks
I'm finally getting to take my daughter away to Maastricht to see Andre Rieu live for her birthday (We have only waited for 10 years for decent tickets), then in complete contrast our son's choice of a holiday, (he could go anywhere in Europe) has chosen a caravan in Ingoldmells, (don't ask). We are all still scratching our heads over that one. We have no idea how he picked it other than he said he liked the sound of the name and he's never been in a caravan.😂 so we're off to a caravan in Ingoldmells.
I'm distracting myself, Puppetering myself is something new to me.
Hi Lunar lady,
yes it's quite beautiful, we watched it performed live in concert when he first did it. Unfortunately that time we were sat in a Cinema watching it being streamed.
My daughter has been a great fan of his for about 15 years and for her 21st we went to see him live in Leeds at Christmas(poor girl had the tickets for 5 months) but I promised her we would go and see him live in Maastricht as that's his home town and where he does a huge concert. Getting tickets that weren't 200 rows back has been impossible until this year when I finally managed front row seats for me and her.
We went back to being 12, we talked about how the last week has been, I explained that Monday I was so drained it was unreal, and that Is woken up dreaming and sucking my thumb, that I'd been sleepwalking for the first time in years and that I had been all over the place emotionally. He asked me to go to the dream and focus on that, what it was about and what I remembered.
It was hard, images and thoughts, I remembered why I hate Tom Selleck, and Magnum PI and why I can't even hear the music without feeling sick. We talked about the battle of a 46 year old who thinks she should have stopped things when she realised it was wrong versus an innocent 8 year old who didn't know any better. It was strange, sensations of fear took 1 half of my body while the other half was completely clear, like the battle in my mind.
Then reality kicked in, for the first time I actually realised, properly realised, that while I was 8-14 during the abuse, he was 14 when it started, I never made him any older, never really thought about the fact that he was actually 20 with a long term girlfriend when it stopped. 20!!! I'm still getting my head round this.
Why he would still be doing it and why I still let him.
I now realise the reason it stopped was due to his army posting abroad, not because he wanted to. I recognised that I joined the air cadets 6 months later because I decided I wasn't going to stay scared of boys for the rest of my life. It was the time I started to develop maladaptive coping strategies, the time I developed what were to become the first signs of BPD.
Despite everything stopping, unconsciously I was already believing I was worthless, something that carried on until Steve and CAT. It allowed me to be in an abusive relationship, to accept that it was okay to be used as a punch bag, to be verbally berated and to be put at risk because of someone else's whims.
But to end on a positive it brought me my husband even though the start was rocky, it brought me my stability, it brought me my security and it brought me my not so perfect, but perfect for me, family
Trigger warnings for childhood s abuse and domestic violence.
I didn't write about my last session of EMDR before I went to see Andre Rieu, because I couldnt, the next day after therapy my brain ha d switched the whole session off. I know it was hard and I know I cried (even when you don't say something you can cry) and I know there were relevations, but I couldn't remember what.
Talking to E this week about it I explained that this bewildered me and left me feeling discombobulated. (I do like that word). He asked me to go back to the first image we had right back to the beginning and think about the distress level from 1-10 i had about that image. It was REALLY weird, the first weeks the image was 8-9now it's 2-3, gives me a bit of a jolt but just isn't there, it's like it's gone into a memory bank that says useless stuff you remember but don't need. We then went into the second image and this is where my mind splits, I can rationalise and bank being 8, the term I should have known better (which my adult person says) now accepts that I was an innocent child, it's okay with that.
But my hypercritical adult is still saying at 14 you should have known better and done something. So this week we concentrated on that.
The problem was bring 14, is so close to being 15 and 15 is a crunch year. It was the year when I put 2+2 together and realised that what I saw at 12 was my dad, the man who was mine, who told me constantly that it was me and him against mum and the boys, and that he was mine and so proud of me, was in fact abusing my older brother. (I now know that A told my parents that he was doing to me what dad was doing to him and they agreed that as long as dad stopped abusing A, they would allow him to carry on abusing me, as he wasn't really hurting me because he loved me) well that's how they rationalised it...
15 was also the year I met D my first "real" boyfriend we met in the month I was 15 and by June he was hitting me on a daily basis. It finally came to a head when he hit me so hard I fell down the stairs fracturing my jaw, ribs and skull. I was just 17 when that happened, 2 months later he tried to drown me in a public swimming pool and I finally found the strength to walk away.
So this week my mind was muddled, I was confused there were 3 strands of Life colliding and I didn't know where to go. I explained this to E and he asked me to stay with A and home, that we would get to D soon. I did that but it was hard and distressing and for the 2nd time I asked to stop, he asked me to try and keep going just a bit longer to try and push through the images and to remember that, they were only images, they were done and gone. I tried and managed another 6 minutes and finally he stopped and sent me off to my safe space, which this week was inside the book "Swallows and Amazons" he is very surprised that my safe space isn't the same place every week but something that meets my needs.
When he asked me to go back to being 12 and how bad was that image, again the early part 8-12 was a 3 but 12-24 was still up there at a 6.
We are going to concentrate on being 14/17 next and try and bring the 3 strands together and send them to the memory bank.
But the worst thing is this week has been really hard Tuesday I was debating about phoning the duty social worker as I couldn't get my thoughts away from suicide, but about 4 hours of reading mindless books I recognised while they were thoughts I had no intention of acting on them, so I've rode this week out feeling high and low in a way I haven't done for years, but I guess that's what this is all about.
Back from a short n real with M and now off again tomorrow with the whole family and I'm feeling really strange about it, I think I would just rather stop at home and let them go as I feel like I'm going to be a Debbie Downer all week. I just can't seem to find my happy.