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G

Girl interupted

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Thinking about you today. Hope you’re ok.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Hi
Thank you, it finally got to me yesterday, i ended up being sent home from work / via hospital with a hemiplegic migraine. I couldn't open my eyes, speak, lost sensation in my right side of face, my right arm and leg, the symptoms are the same as a stroke.
I still have residual symptoms even now which is rare as they should have resolved after 24 hours. Have spoken to Dr and if still there tomorrow have to go back into hospital.

However it did finalise the decision, and i am going to submit the grievance, i am not going to let this be the final chapter.
He has no right to make so stressed that i end up needing hospital care to make sure i haven't had a stroke.
 
G

Girl interupted

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You are brave and you are strong.

You got this.

Xo
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Well after Thursday's symptoms and a weekend from hell. I thought long and hard, and yesterday I submitted my formal complaint. I have a meeting the next 10 days.
Feeling sick but absolutely sure this is the right thing to do.
Thank you for your support.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Thanks for the update. Oddly, I was thinking about you today.

It won’t be easy, but you can tell yourself that you are not alone, and that by doing this you are helping others not brave or strong enough to speak up.

You can always come back here and vent. I will get out the Pom Poms and cheer you on. Xo
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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Hey Poppy

How are things with you now?

Have you had your interview for the job yet? It sounds like you have as good a chance as anyone, as you said nobody has the exact experience they're looking for.

I feel you're always striving for a goal poppy. Hope you don't mind me saying that as mean it in a very positive way....but you are often studying for something or applying for something....and I guess because I just couldn't imagine it at all......I think you're great!

Are you finished with your female therapist now (can't remember her name) but you mention finding a short term person so I was wondering...

Would love to hear how things are with you..

Do you mind if I ask if you still are suffering (only real description) with your BPD? I am really going downhill Poppy - I no longer see any way past it.

Hope you're well and I'd love to hear how you are if you feel like posting :hug:
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Hi Shadow,
Haven't seen you around for a while, so I was wondering how things were.
So to answer your questions,

I pulled out of the job, in the end I decided I didn't want the extra stress of trying to learn a lot of new things while stuck in the middle of the PhD.
I have just finished collecting my data for the PhD and all that's left now is a few interviews and start writing.

Yes I finished work with Kirsty, can't honestly say it was my favourite therapy and as we could only have 20 sessions it seemed daft to start something which she knew we wouldn't be able to finish, although she has said I can go back again next year for another 20 sessions...

It's been a really hard time recently, I ended up filing a formal grievance against the head of school for bullying and harassment and failing to follow due process. The stress culminated in me being really ill last week and that cemented the decision for me to make the complaint.

I'm seeing one of my "old" therapists, Dave tomorrow for a decompression session, to try and come to terms with everything that has happened recently, my mum did her usual spectacular guilt trip, I drove for the first time in anger and nearly died as a consequence and then work on top all make for a very messy head. I've also acquired a person who I work with every fortnight at university just to let things out there.

On top of this I start EMDR therapy on Monday and I can honestly say this is terrifying me, I don't know why this more than anything else, but I have palpitations just thinking about it.
Again Eamonn, has said we will start at 20 sessions and go from there. Looking at time out for leave and things it's looking like Christmas before it's going to be over at the earliest.

Am I still suffering.... I wouldn't say that in the general day to day life I am, but if things go off kilter and I get over whelmed then yes there are times when I lose the ability to think/do rationally. But I can recognise that I'm not thinking straight even if I can't stop myself because it hit too fast. I'm good with slow builds I can pull out of those but "hurricanes" not so good at.

In order to protect myself I have been open with a few colleagues at work, about 10 now know what I have and when I'm going off the rails can pull me back or stop me doing/saying things that will cause problems. Or I can go to them and say I need help.

I can truthfully say the work I did with Steve, was the turning point, all the work before had it's place but wasn't the right therapy, and although I really like Dave and John I was able to manipulate them, they weren't the right therapists for what I needed.

Is that something you are with, I know you wouldn't be without Catherine, but is she really doing you any favours by letting you stall for so long? This is what the problem with John was, he let me go over the same thing without working out an answer, where Steve pushed and pushed and wouldn't let me hide, Dave and John were much softer and this made me feel significantly more fragile and damaged. Steve gave for the most part as good as he got, he made me answer for my errors, and made me look at my faults, he didn't give me a pass because I had BPD.

One of the things that stuck was Steve telling me BPD was a collection of letters that someone had decided made a "disorder" because they couldn't think of anything else and knowing that you have BPD isn't necessarily a good thing, because it's not "you" it's a symptom and can be cured if treated correctly.

I think there will always be times when I fall off the straight and narrow and allow the symptoms to become an illness again, but hopefully as I learn to recognise these more the illness will get less and less and the acute phase shorter and shorter.

I'm so sorry that you feel like you are out of control, is it possible to do what I did and blog it down every day, or week, just so you can see if there are any particular things that set you off.
You know where I am if you ever want to chat just drop me a line, take care Shadow xxx
 
G

Girl interupted

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Hello you.

Checking in.

How are you doing?
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Hi,
Had decompression therapy, was good to Dave, feeling more setted and happy with decisions. Worried about starting EMDR on Monday but also looking forward to getting through it.
Hoping to hear from the complaint next week.
So I suppose im a mixed bag really.
Looking forward to the end of next week when i put my out of office on for 5 whole weeks.
 
I

itsmeagain

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Go for it poppy2014.
Tremendous stuff that.
Well done, keep going, get stronger and stronger in yourself.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Wish me luck, I have my meeting with the Dean of another school to discuss my complaint tomorrow.
And I've busted my knee again, back in splints.
And I saw Eamonn on Monday and I'm wondering if it is going to be any use. We spent more of the time disussing stuff I'd done with Steve. He has given me an appointment for another months time, which he thinks is good because it will give me time to get to grips with everything that has happened rather than giving me any coping strategies, he thinks I should be able to do it by myself.
Help!!!!
 
G

Girl interupted

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That’s actually good news, even if it doesn’t feel that way. Given your history, if you showed signs of rolling backwards, they would increase the visits.

Whether you realize it or not, your resiliency has returned. That means you are equipped for tomorrow’s meeting!

Just tell the facts, avoid any emotional stuff; that will have greater impact with the Dean.
 
S

so sad

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Hi

how did you get on?

x
 
G

Girl interupted

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Hey you, how did it go?
 
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