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Mayflower7

Mayflower7

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Today I taught a group of 2nd year MSc students about evidence based practice.
Rather than make it dry I put it into context of living my life and meeting all the people along they way who have hiven me information, told me to read this, look at that, told me what I have wasn't real, is real, maybe real, is a dustbin diagnosis because the professionals don't know what it is.
Another Dr saying that's wrong because look you trust me, here's your evidence, about suicide, wanting to die because you have diagnoses that people can't see, but will be with you for the rest of your life.
Have this therapy, do this programme, talk to this person, you'll get better, no you won't you will get worse.
Don't do this you'll break, do this it will make you better.
A lot of the students got it, one said I was selfish, suicide is selfish and I didn't think about the other people.
Of all the things I talked about today that's what she took.
Sometimes I feel like I would be better off being dry and boring, talking textbook rather than opening my veins to expose myself in real life to people who are going to look after me.
Trying to explain that pain isn't just physical but psychological and that teaching stops it hurting, but that teaching makes it hurt when you realise that what you were trying to say didn't work and that one person didn't listen.
If means I failed to teach them about communication, about hearing the story underneath and learning to really hear what people are saying, not the words but the pain.
I suppose I can't win them all. I'll have to try another way next year.
Tired, sore, and disappointed with myself. It hurts to lay yourself open to question but for the question not to be asked and for the people who are going to be the future nurses to be so judgemental at this stage is worrying.
Hi Poppy,
Please don't be to hard on yourself, I'm sure your a wonderful teacher.
It is worrying that future nurses might already be judgemental.
Take care
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Well, where do I begin...
I have a story, it's all over the place, a little like me sometimes, but it's my story and I'm living it.
Last week was the final session with Kirsty and as much as I like her as a person, I'm not sure the therapy was for me. Overall, I found that the terminology worked but the deep learning didn't. It was all about words, her words not mine, she told my story over and over, year by year, incident by incident, abuse, parents, husbands, children, fear, anger, distress, occasionally happy. I found myself becoming immune to hearing the words, the distress started disappearing at each reading, but at the end it didn't stop the distress of the emotions that were associated with the words.
When we finished Kirsty said she was worried as we had not been able to complete the programme due to the 20 session limit, and that if we had more time we would have used a doll which would have represented my younger self and that she would take that doll home and keep me safe.... Apparently I would need at least another year of therapy before we would have scratched the surface. She has written to the neurologist suggesting that he re-refer me in January next year as they can only see me once in 12 months.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm very open right now to trying anything that helps and settles me. But I'm baffled by the fact she thinks I need at least a years therapy to scratch the surface, and that is on top of the 20 weeks we have just done. So how does she expect to achieve this if we only have another 20 weeks. I cannot see the point in doing half a therapy, which I feel could be worse than doing nothing, what happens if she brings up awful emotions and then therapy stops and I have nowhere to go?
Anyway that's Kirsty.

Physically I have become ill, quite ill, I am having investigations into myeloma, I'm currently tired, very tired, in a lot of pain and have no where to go. The consultant wants me to stop all my medication, which I'm doing slowly, and will have a final set of blood tests on the 7th March. The hope against all hope is that I have a serious reaction to my medication that has affected my red blood cells and some other tests. It's frightening knowing what I do as a nurse, but it is just life and I can't do anything if it turns out to be positive, I'll just have to live with the consequences and treatment.

Finally, as if that isn't enough... I started working with Eamonn exactly 4 year and 2 weeks after being referred for treatment. My first EMDR session starts on the 11th Feb, I can say with a significant amount of honesty that I'm more scared about this than any of the others.
He explained what he is going to do and how we will process the feelings/thoughts, it really didn't make me feel any better, but he has taken some work I've done previously and will have a look at it before we meet again, so as to better understand me. Best of British to him. Despite his terrible taste in literature, I'm finding myself actually liking the guy, not sure if again it's because he's male and I feel less vulnerable with men surprisingly than I do with women, another reason why I feel the work with Kirsty didn't have the impact it did.

Overall it has been a very weird start to 2019, but despite everything, I feel happier, more settled, ready to face what ever I need to, and I have the skills, almost, to do what I need to by myself, but I'm not afraid to ask for help anymore.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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What is it about psychotherapists and 20 sessions.
Today I met Eamonn again and we went through some of the stuff I'd previously written, timelines and things that were positive or negative influences.
He's going away to make notes, lots of notes, and he asked to see my bloody diagram from the CAT sessions with Steve. He as his and my response to it.

We meet again on the 11th March, he wants me to get my diagnosis out of the way, and for any treatment to have started or restarted if it's not myeloma.

He said he would then have a schedule of appointments ready for me, I asked him how many, at least to give me a starting figure so I could plan for another ending, thinking as EMDR is usually a short programme of sessions I was going with 8-10. He came back with lets start with 20 and reassess then.
WTF
Taking out Bank holidays as we are meeting on Mondays and a couple of weeks annual leave for him and me, I think we are easily looking at Christmas again, even if we started monarch 11th and had 20 weeks with no interruptions we would be looking at mid September, given there is 2 May bank holidays. I'm away 2 weeks in the summer, he's off 2 weeks in August, and we have the August Bank holiday, that would take us to mid November, if it was every week.

There are some Mondays when I just have to teach, it's not negotiable, so Christmas 2019 is looking more likely.
If he goes over that then it will eat into the dates that Kirsty wanted me to go back for.
This will be 4 solid years of therapy, with only 6 weeks without an organised therapist involved.

I can honestly say it's been hard, brutal at times, I've cried, raved, ranted, swore, laughed, had some really positive breakthroughs, but most of all I've had some phenomenal counsellors, psychologists and psychotherapists who took their time to understand me, listen to me and at no time did they make me feel useless, worthless, or untreatable.

I lucked out on the therapy scale.
But without them I could have imploded, destroyed everything, ended up homeless, jobless and alone. The problem is I only got what I needed because I can afford to pay the £4000 for CAT, the £2000 for the psychologist, and the £1,500 for the private counsellor.

Kristy was the first therapist I saw on the NHS, it took 4 months from referral to treatment.
Eamonn was supposed to do CAT then EMDR, fortunately for him 4year and 3 months after I was first referred to him he's only got the EMDR left.
But 20 sessions, come on can I just catch a break.
 
Poppy2014

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TRIGGER WARNING.

For the first time 16 months I thought about dying, about actually killing myself and very nearly did it. Albeit accidentally but it was dark and a lapse in concentration meant ... well you understand.
My senior boss is a bastard I'm at the edge of losing it.

I need to stay away from work but my diary looks like crap and I'd be disappointed that he beat me into submission.

I'm so tired.
 
G

Girl interupted

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The more you think about how he feels the more power you give him over you.

Do what you can to avoid him, until you feel stronger. Then picture him in a bright pink woman’s bra under his business suit.

Hang in there hon. Xo
 
G

Girl interupted

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Also: no booze. It will make it worse.
 
Poppy2014

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HR havs advised to take a formal grievance out against my boss. I'm seriously not sure I have the cope to do it.
Im worried about using something that will get me fired if i keep going to work and its messing with my head constantly.
Im just so overwhelmed i havent been is bad for about 5 years
I even reached out to Steve to see if he could see me once to get some perspective, but ive not had a reply so i presume the answer is no
I'm going to Dave as i need to settle with someone i know as I'm supposed to start EMDR on the 25th and there is no way i can in this mind set.
Why do some bosses think it's okay to screw with you just because they didnt like to hear the truth about their perfect little world.
 
S

so sad

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I'm so sorry Poppy.

What has he done/said? Would it help to write it out on here?

Is EMDR definitely off the table? Such ma shame when you've waited so long but you do need to me in the right space for something like that.

Huge hugs xx
 
G

Girl interupted

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First, get to whatever therapy will give you some stability. Do not take any action until you’ve fully and honestly discussed this in a safe space, including an honest view of your own actions.

I’ve been in this position and it sucks. It feels like if you go ahead and complain, they will use it as evidence to let you go. Recognize that you are not thinking clearly right now. I get that it feels unbearable and like you have no options; fight or flight. This is not the case.

You need to first deescalate, then see if things are still the same. He sounds like a shitty boss who is seeing you weak and instead of being empathetic is cranking up the pressure.

Do not let him win.
 
Poppy2014

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Thanks.
The answer is I dont know done because he wont say.

But take you back to the beginning.
A week last Thursday i received a message from my line manager P.
She needed to see me urgently and i was not to leave uni unitil she had spoken to me.
I went to see her and she told me that manager B had been to see manager C and told her to find a new lead for adult nursing effective immediately. He then emailed P and told her to let me know i was no longer lead for adult nursing.
No explanation as to why.
During the conversation she did say it was about a comment i made a departmental team meeting.

P said i was to carry on in the role until September and guide the new field lead. I said fine and left.

Role onto last Thursday, P phoned me in the office and told me a new lead had been found and i was to give up role effective immediately after i had handed it over (tomorrow).
Still no explanation as to what i actually did wrong.
By now it was playing on my mind and i started winding up.
Which eventually led to the stupid on Thursday night.

I spent all weekend fretting working myself into you are stupid mode.

One of the other leads K went to discuss this with B, and was explicitly told it was nothing to do with her and when asked why he had taken this decision, was told he did not like the way i spoke in the meeting.

I have reflected, spoken to colleagues in the meeting, and no one said i said anything out of order. I was not rude, aggressive or said anything that suggested i was not a team player. The nearest i got was you were passionate about our staffing problems and he didnt like it when you refused to back an to him.

So it appears I have been demoted, with no explanation, no chance defend myself, and to hear derogatory comments from other staff my supposed behaviour.

HR and the union say i have a grounds bullying at work grievance, along this my workload model went in with 2700 hours on it 1200 over the limit. He took a red pen and removed some stuff to make it .(a secondary issue)

So thats it a job that ive done for 3.5 years with no complaints has been taken away from me because our best guess is he didnt like me him a straight answer.

And I'm just /sad/fuming/ distressed.
And i behaved stupidly.
 
G

Girl interupted

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Ok that sounds absolutely illegal.

File the complaint.

Employee standards vary from country to country, but basic tenents are that a boss is obligated to tell an employee what they’ve done wrong so that they can correct the behaviour. Then there has to be several more disciplinary talks with a clear outline of what was done wrong, before any talk of demotion. The typical count is three of those talks, but it can vary from country to country.

Do you belong to a union? I’d call them over HR. If not, file with HR. Your boss’s boss can then deal with him. And my guess if he’s bullying you, he’s doing it to others, too. Bring your performance reviews to the HR/union meeting.

Do not roll over on this. He’s counting on that.
 
G

Girl interupted

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I’m sitting here flipping furious for you. I’ve been in your position and frankly there are insecure assholes in this world. They pounce when they sense they can get away with it, like a typical bully. A coward at heart.

But I also get that it’s terrifying to consider a formal complaint. It takes high reserves of resiliency, which is hard to come by for bpd, and especially when you’ve been dealt a blow.

Do you think you can do it? Can you find therapy while you are doing it?

Have you talked with other staff to see if they’ve been bullied too? There’s strength in numbers.
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Thanks, I'm in a union, they also said to bring the grievance, we have 2 options at our work, meditation and formal. Both HR union have said formal.
Yes he has done this before, one of my colleagues is currently off sick and has been for 3 months, (she had a disciplinary on Monday) where much the same words were used as the basis for this).

However she counter claimed saying due process had not been followed and B is under investigation for this.
If i filed it would make her case stronger and lend credence to mine.
K will also support me as she has an email trail.

But and its a big BUT.my probationary appraisal is due on the 12th to see if i am working at the level ive been promoted to for the past 12 months, and I'm worried he will use this to say no and demote me back a grade. Taking a grievance may just tip him over the edge.
 
S

so sad

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Hi Poppy

I really do think you need to make this formal. Surely if you raise a formal grievance, he can't be the one to decide on your probationary appraisal - that would be grossly unfair.
Could you ask the union their thoughts on it?
I can't believe what idiots people can be - he sounds like a complete bully and a control freak.

Good luck with it Poppy

x
 
G

Girl interupted

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Thanks, I'm in a union, they also said to bring the grievance, we have 2 options at our work, meditation and formal. Both HR union have said formal.
Yes he has done this before, one of my colleagues is currently off sick and has been for 3 months, (she had a disciplinary on Monday) where much the same words were used as the basis for this).

However she counter claimed saying due process had not been followed and B is under investigation for this.
If i filed it would make her case stronger and lend credence to mine.
K will also support me as she has an email trail.

But and its a big BUT.my probationary appraisal is due on the 12th to see if i am working at the level ive been promoted to for the past 12 months, and I'm worried he will use this to say no and demote me back a grade. Taking a grievance may just tip him over the edge.

No, it means they will be watching any decision making he does that much closer. He will have to have full documentation to support any verbal recommendations he makes. He cannot do B&W thinking without showing that he took steps to correct behaviour. And he hasn’t done that.

Additionally I do not find it surprising he’s done it to someone else. There may be even more.

If both HR and union are saying formal, that’s rare. They typically are on opposite sides.
 
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