Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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Getting good at this confessions lark...
Went to see my sleep consultant today, I'm getting worse with the exhaustion even 5 hours at work is costing me dearly.
Taking upwards of 2 hours to mark a piece of work. Should only have 20 minutes. Falling asleep is not good.
I told him a couple of times ive taken more medication than i should because I need to be awake and safe.
Its not every day, just maybe 1-2 times a month when i really need to be there. He wasn't happy, but I've done the research, looked at research trials and 1 tablet is safe up to 10 x the dose i take now is safe, but you'd think i committed a mortal sin.
Have to go and the complex sleep team, next time.
Oh well. Hopefully someone will have the answers.
 
blacksmoke

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gee youve got the constitution of an ox poppy just one tab set off a whole chain of events for me.
 
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He’s just worried that meds outside of what you have been prescribed could trigger. He’s not trying to control you, just look out for you. Xo
 
Poppy2014

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Today.
I see may the 4th be with you everywhere.
I wish it didn't exist.
Today 11 years ago, my mum gave me a letter, nothing major, just a letter about a car accident she had been involved in.
The letter changed my life, it brought terror, suicide, self sabotage, over work, abandonment, pain, anger, BPD and therapy, years of therapy into my life..
But it made me change direction, realise with hard work and honesty I could change, move on and learn to live not just exist.
I can't say I wish it had never happened, but I can say without it I wouldn't be here today.
Happy May 4th to you all xxx
 
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I’m so grateful for your anniversary. Otherwise I would not have had the chance to see how wonderful and special you are. Xo
 
Poppy2014

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Well year 11 is over, today I met my first crisis intervention counsellor 11 years ago. I didn't know then just how long and convoluted my journey to get here would be. But I can say with absolute honesty there is nowhere I'd rather be xxx
 
Shadow-one

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Hi Poppy

I'm really happy for you that you are content in your place in the world now!

It's been a very difficult road, with so many struggles so you should be very proud of how far you have come....

I'm still in the place where I have lost hope of my life getting better, but your story shows possibility which is quite amazing to me as a fellow BPD sufferer!

Well done :hug:
 
Poppy2014

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Week 2 EMDR:
This week was the first real go at it. In it's own way it wasn't as freaky as last week, but when I got there I was feeling like my heart was going to come out of my chest. Eamonn and I spoke about it and he asked me to hold onto that feeling and remember it. We talked about why I felt like that and I explained that even though we'd done the run through last week, this week we were going to hit on some of the rough memories.

Eamonn couldn't have picked a worse place to start, he picked the memory that started everything, the day my older brother went missing. 3 months before the abuse started and 15 years of hell started.
We then talked about how looking at the worst part of the memory made me feel, physically and mentally. I find that bit so hard, and while I've gone back and done the bodies research to make sure I had some language skills to be able to help with this, but even they weren't perfect. He also asked me to rate my distress level out of 10, but I think the thoughts about what was to come made the the distress score worse.

Then he set the lights going, and I had to move my journey along (like a train journey, watching the images in my life) and keep going just letting my thoughts and images wander and not control them. Letting my mind go where it wanted to. About every 90 seconds he stopped the lights and asked me how I felt now, not for a long explanation, just 1 or 2 words, then to hold onto that and carry on, this went on for about 25 minutes, only once did I make an error and stopped watching the lights, because I hit a hard point and didn't want to carry on, but he talked me through it and supported me to carry on.

Following the session we talked about a safe place, I went to the Achensee in Pertisau, a place I adore and would go and live there tomorrow if I could. It represents peace, calm, care and my life, my safe space since I could read. After 3 minutes of relaxing and calming he turned me round to face him and we spent 10 minutes debriefing, talking through some of the answers, such as why I mentioned happy, selfish, hurt, anger, fun, and where did my journey go. I felt for 25 minutes I'd jumped too far going from 8-27, as I said to Eamonn it was like I skipped a few stops looking the other way because I didn't want to see the images there, and for that I felt guilty.
But Eamonn says that's the purpose of this, it's my journey going where I want to go and when I want to go there, a time will come when I do see the stops I don't want to and can look after myself at the time, just now I'm weary but hopefully as it doesn't feel as invasive as it did talking it through with Steve, I'm not laying myself open to being trampled all over.
Therefore this was different. A the end of the debrief he asked me how I felt looking back a the initial memory and it was weird, I couldn't tell him, I couldn't put into words how I felt, it was definitely different, but how or why I'm not sure.
 
blacksmoke

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I couldn't put into words how I felt, it was definitely different, but how or why I'm not sure.
that to me sounds like what they call a shift. an internal shift and that makes for a good place to continue from and yeah you cant put words to it.
 
Shadow-one

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That's really interesting Poppy..

This type of therapy sounds really overwhelming to me.... I just couldn't imagine doing it. I would be so stressed out, I'd be afraid I wouldn't see any images!

Sounds like it might well work for you however, as long as you take it at a pace that suits you... But you know that already!

Do you ever miss Steve now? Just curious...
You had such a relationship built up with him and the ending of that was really tough... so just wondering if you ever miss what you got from him?

I'm glad things are going well for you anyway - it sounds to me like you feel in control (at least partly anyway) of this therapy, and that is so important...

Well done :hug:
 
Poppy2014

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Hi Shadow,
Hope things are settling for you and you are starting to feel better?

This therapy is so different, I'm not sure I'm supposed to control it, that's the purpose, by controlling it I don't go where I need to, as E says I'm in survival mode rather than allowing the therapy to happen.

Steve, to be really honest, yes there are times when I really do miss him, I miss his quiet strength and sometimes I miss the opportunity to really talk to someone who is just there for me.
But... these feelings are getting less and less, I have surrounded myself with a team of real people, people who know who I am, what I have and offer unconditional support if I need it.
I've learnt to write, to think and worry a lot out for myself, when I'm not totally sure I ask, sometimes here, where there is a "cover" of anonymity, though I know some people who read this know me in real life.
Sometimes I ask colleagues or friends, sometimes I talk to Mary, my study counsellor, I've also met up with Dave, and I have E, but most of all I talk to my husband. He finally understands why I do what I do and tries his hardest just to be there.

This lessens the need to see Steve, though if you'd asked me 18months ago I would ever feel like I could cope in this world without him, I'd have thought you were crackers.

How's things going with the Psych and Catherine?
xx Poppy
 
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Week 3 EMDR,

Bloody hell, is the initial thought, quickly followed by OH BLOODY HELL, further followed by Sh*T
I think that about sums up this week.

Last week was a 1st attempt; this week was the real event. I explained that after last week I felt numb, dead really, when we finished. But when I finished reflecting on the session, I felt that I had done something wrong we analysed this death, me trying to unsuccessfully explain why I felt like this and him trying to understand the ramblings of someone who has forgotten how to speak emotion. Finally we got there, when I was able to explain that I felt like this because there were several instances where I knowingly moved the points on the train track so my journey would go in a different (happier) journey so I didn't have to see or feel the emotions.

This is where E told me that is my protective mode coming out and I should try not to move myself. Easier said than done.

I also explained that emotions are difficult, and while in therapy I had time to think about emotions while here he just stopped the lights and expected me to be able to tell him how I felt, and this was impossible as I just haven't got the skills for that. I thought I had but over the years I've gotten used to having time to reflect and now I don't. So I spent time explaining my coloured bodies to him and how they helped me deliver a language, now I need to practice it again.

This week went smoother, I felt occasionally like I started drifting, and pulled it back, and at times the lights became lines as my focus shifted from the lights to the images.
Most of the time when he stopped and asked I was able to give words, I was able to tell him I was experiencing feelings and where they were, and more often than not what they were.

This session was much more disturbing though, although last time I felt I'd gone to far in such a short space of time, this time I went much further but actually stopped myself veering off the tracks into the happy views and stuck with the stuff that needed processing. Also at one point I was able to explain I needed to go backwards as I knew the train wreck was coming and I really didn't want to be involved in it again. E stopped me and explained that as I was already seeing the train wreck I was heading towards it and not to try and let myself become protective again. I had a go, even I could see the difference, my fist clenched so hard I got cramp, my breathing changed so much I think it hit around 40 breathes a minute.
I had palpitations, chest and back pain, and my jaw was clenched so hard I thought my nice gold back teeth were definitely going to break.

But I did it, I hit the train wreck and E stopped the session there. We went to a safe space this week my safe space is my library, the one place where I was safe from everything, it was my salvation, my peace and my ability to get lost in something that would never hurt.
I explained that today I collect my books from my childhood, these are the things I need around me, my safe space and I have all of the ones that meant the world to me. They also brought me a bunch of new people, people who I wouldn't have contact with otherwise, they gave me a space to go away and spend some time doing silly things, the stuff I missed out on but should have had.

This week brought me anger, distress and utter exhaustion. I left therapy at 2:40, sat in the car for 10 minutes, then drove to school to pick my son up. Driving back I realised I could barely keep my eyes open, I asked my son if he wanted a McDonald's as I wasn't even up to cooking something simple. Fortunately like most teenagers he was quite amenable. We walked in at 4 and b 4:30 I was out cold waking at 1:30 in the morning, which wasn't in the plan, but gave me some thinking time.

I've realised following this session that I need to work more on my snap language, and develop some resilience skills, E told me that it would be possible to have nightmares, flashbacks and feel distressed, he missed absolutely knackered.
I also told him about writing, he thought I was going for a private journal, then a blog, then he cottoned on that it was a public forum, not sure if he was more surprised than worried, but I told him if he tried hard enough I was easy enough to find.

Overall, it was something very different, the quiet, the peace, the listening, trying to understand what was wanted, without dwelling was difficult. I still think this is going to be one of the hardest things I've done, even writing about it brings back emotions, but I can see what he means now and I hope that I can manage to work out what to do quickly.
 
Poppy2014

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Okay!
Stupid question day today.

I have a study mentor who supports my MH while I'm doing my PhD.
She is very good and certainly the only female (therapy) worker I've felt comfortable enough to be myself, open up about my fears and hopes to.
She is one of the few people who help me see the sky without chopping down the trees. She leads, guides, supports and pushes my boundaries without making me feel hopeless or helpless.
I like her and thats strange.

Today we set a plan for the next 12 months.
Due to my little walk on the naughty list side at work, I now have to have a new line manager, I don't trust her, I can't tell her about my MH although I suspect she knows but can't prove.

However she holds my workload in her hands, and without her support I can and will get over run with work.
We have now been told our bottom line admissions numbers are 2times what we have now.
This means a single lecture I delivered once a term 3 years ago, 3 times 2 years ago, and 5 times this year will now be 9 times next year. My big module that 3 years ago had 1250 students on 5 courses will have 2494 this year on 16 courses and i am expected to marshall all their training while teaching what would have been 6 modules and now be 12.
This means apart from 2 weeks at Christmas 1 day in the summer there will be students in uni or on placement every single day.
I will have over 200 assignments to mark in 2 weeks while still teaching 6-8 hours a day without a break, which is illegal.

So, my question is simple, do I tell or not?
Do I just say NO.
Do I refuse to complete my Workload model, as its a lie anyway.
Do I openly lead the revolt as I've started, and its been duly noted.
And the spoils if we win are immense. But my personal loss could be huge. (I could become a union rep and hide behind that!!
Or do I gently lead the revolt and hope I don't get hung.
(p.s. I've already accidentally started 1revolt, because i didn't check the reply not the reply all button, so I sent my very scathing answer to everyone, who then copied it and sent it to everyone. Meaning the NMC, CQC, and OFSTED got to see the reply.
They have now required the university to appoint 10 lectures before Christmas, or risk losing validation. My inbox was rather busy at afternoon)
Answers to today's mulling overs anyone?
 
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Take the emotions out of it and look at it pragmatically. Make an effort to do the workload and ask for help if you are drowning. At that point I would speak with your supervisor and ask her advice on how to manage. But do try to do it initially. They need to see you meeting at least halfway.
 
Poppy2014

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Thank you,
I know what you are saying makes sense
I didn't quite put the detail in.
We are supposed to work 1550 hours a year, 300 of which is purely my research.
Last year when I completed my workload model it showed I my workload allocation (WAM) would be 2470 hours. This was submitted and I received an email saying I could not submit this as it breached WTD.
I had to amend it, I refused as this was my true allocation.
2 weeks later I received an email from HR stating my WAM was 1.5 hours over and where could they take the 1.5 hours from. I asked for a copy and was told the boss had adjusted my hours to make them fit.
I told them to do what they wanted.
If my student numbers double my WAM is going to be close to 5000 hours.
I can't do it, its physically impossible.
I don't even know where to start.
 
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I think it’s a test to establish a “history of non-compliance.” I’ve seen crappy managers do stuff like this. I’m concerned if you go and complain, they will use it against you.

It is impossible hours. So you need to tackle it from what you can do. And ask other colleagues about their schedules, how are they handling it?
 
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