Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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#1
I thought long and hard about writing this, partly because I don't want to keep thinking about S but actually because I'd said I wouldn't write after I'd finished therapy as there is nothing left to write about. How wrong I was.

My other concern was that people will say I don't belong here because I'm better, there's nothing wrong with me now, I've had my therapy and other people need help so stop being selfish ... which then made me realise I do still have things I want to talk and write about and I do still have wonky thinking and I do still have highs and lows but most of all I do still have BPD however much I hoped therapy would cure me.

But today I want to talk about something very different.

Tomorrow is 6 weeks since I finished therapy and I am not in a cyclone, I haven't hit a hyper high and I'm not manic. I haven't, despite having been very close, self-sabotaged and for the first time I can say I actually did it all by myself.

Not only did I catch myself going into a cyclone, I stopped it dead in it's track and I practised self awareness and compassion.

I have had a tough time over this past 6 weeks and as I wrote last time, for the first two weeks after therapy ended I was in the middle of destructive behaviour with suicidal thoughts and ideation. I was also practising the risky behaviours that had the potential to lead me to dead or seriously injured.

But even then I think I knew it wasn't kinda real, I wasn't ever as risky as I needed to be, just risky enough to give me a high, just powerful enough to make me think...
I suppose what I really knew was this was just a reaction to the end of therapy and my way of sulking because I felt like I'd lost.

I even had to pull away from here for a while because seeing my thread brought back the want and I was obsessively reading it and other things to see if there was anything I missed that would give me permission to contact him again to say look we didn't sort this out.

But gradually over the past 4 weeks I've settled down and started to look back with some sort of peace, and while I'm not absolutely there yet, I am at peace with the end now and feeling more content. This leads me back to my "ah ah" moment.

On Friday it was time to say goodbye to a lot of colleagues, some I'm really friendly with, others not so but I'll miss them, during this I found that I have been knocked back for a further promotion because of some thing stupid (my surgery has meant I've suspended my PhD for 12 weeks which means, I can't show I'm progressing) but a colleague has been given it, even though she has been there less time than me, immediately I went into it's because I'm worthless, no one cares, they'll let me go on doing all this work for less pay because they know I'm BPD, and I can't argue because they'll say I'm unstable, or they'll sack me for causing trouble... I immediately wrote one of those emails, you know the ones that could get me into trouble, not sacked but, well actually you know what yes you do this, we'll let x+y do that and they can have the promotion and you can stay there, where you can't cause any more bother.. you know what it's like...

The BPD self sabotage home run...

Well before I hit send this little voice popped up, it's a new one, I've not heard this one before but hey ho, what's one more voice, anyway I decided to listen to see what damage this one could do, by now I already had hypercritical adult (HA), irrational adult (IA) and emotional child (EC) playing out, one more couldn't hurt.

Bloody hell, not sure what to call this one, but actually it was a quiet, insistent voice telling me to ignore them, to listen, to think, to be self aware and before doing anything dangerous to count to 5 and send it to your new email box. 2 weeks ago I set up a new email account where I send those emails that I want to send to other people because I have a visceral reaction to the email they sent or to a conversation I've been involved in and then, when I am not feeling as emotional or stressed, I will open them up, re-read them with a critical eye.

As I've now been able to be more open with OH I will ask him to read both the email and the reply before I send them and we will often reword things together. It's making a big difference. So on Friday instead of sending a very hyper-emotional and very self destructive email to my boss and bosses boss I-pulled-out-of-the-cyclone, I emailed it to myself, went to the party, enjoyed myself and drove home. Yes I had a cry on the way and yes hypercritical adult (HA) talked me into feeling pathetically stupid and weak, telling me it was my fault for not being good enough, but my new voice came back to talk to me (for very personal reasons I'm going to call my new voice little mouse) and we managed to push HA out and have a lovely conversation most of the way home and actually despite everything I drove sensibly.
Me.
This is what I wanted to be able to do, this is what 48 weeks of therapy has given me, this was my target aim and I can actually say even though I don't know how it works, I actually did it.

I'll always be BPD, but right now I'm Poppy with BPD rather than BPD Poppy and that makes a whole lot of difference.

So I'm going to do what I said I wouldn't do, I'm going to continue to write about my life with BPD over the next 6 months as this is important to me and I need somewhere where I can be myself without fear of ridicule. I have 3 major milestones at 6, 20 and 26 weeks and once I'm over them I will finally feel like I have really learn't the lessons therapy gave me. Then and only then will I be free to start EMDR.

It's been an emotional journey so far, so to those who joined in thank you very much you cannot believe just how much your support helped, to those who came in to read thank you for taking the time I hope you get something out of it and come back again.

Here goes, round two.
 
blacksmoke

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#2
hey Poppy you stay here for as long as it works for you as indeed we all do on the QT.

we are all on a journey. sounds like anxiety dialogue. blimey life never is a happy ever after except in the movies maybe. Talking and writing if it helps Poppy then go ahead.

You are only just recently on a different chapter and even if the book was to be finished there are always sequels lol.

its good Poppy that you can see your progress and its all down to you and that is a testament to all your hard work and honesty and integrity. Recognisation and acknowledgment are so critical to changing and that takes personal honesty. and you have that.

Can you find a healthier way to release the adrenalin? Changing unhealthy habits for something less hazardous.

Yeah Poppy i kinda figured that was what you needed to do regarding stepping back reg the other thread..so unless that thread is helpful for where you are now i would moth ball it

you are still going through the letting go of the sessions and you will come through this which is why i would encourage you not to go over the other thread but it sounds like you are ready to let that go. another small change.

You are not your bpd its a label but it aint you. just like i aint my stiff back lol its all descriptive terms. dunno if that makes sense

Ah peace and moving forwards= ah ha mo jo


Sorry that the promo was not to be. Brilliant Poppy that is well good regarding not sending that email

It’s always great talking to you Poppy as it gives me an opportunity to put into words the stuff I have learnt along the way.
 
write

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#3
This is good to read Poppy. Your journey is inspiring. Think is just as vital to document your journey through recovery and beyond therapy, as it was for you to write during therapy. As blacksmoke says, you are more than your label. Read that you're dealing with a lot of physical stuff atm, hope you can use forum as support as and when you need, when is helpful, rather than giving yourself rules as to when you will stop writing here. Hope things get better, you've done great so far x
 
Poppy2014

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#4
I got through week 6, but I'm really annoyed with myself, I was doing really well up to Friday. I have started annual leave, and on Thursday I put my out of office notification on. I had made sure all the stuff that needed doing has been done, I even got marking finished early so I didn't have any reason to go back onto my emails, I was feeling happy, excited, I am going away on Tuesday for 10 days to have a proper drama free family Christmas with just OH and the kids. I was good.

Then for absolutely no reason I did a bad, and I did it intentionally, which really annoyed me, there was absolutely no need for it. Why? I am so fcuking stupid, if I carry on with this I know I'll get caught and this will ruin my life, lose me my job and has the potential for a prison sentence. I am furious with myself.

I still don't know why I did it.

But, I suppose despite this I got through week 6 without feeling like I've completely dropped off the wagon, I haven't hit the cyclone. I actually feel okay, and I'm thinking that I may be able to get on with life without it being totally screwed by BPD. Surprisingly I've been thinking about EMDR, and while my gut says get past week 26 my head is saying it may be better to get this over with now and hopefully between the 2 of them week 26 will not be the same because the power of words will no longer be there to hurt.

Then to crunch it a post cropped up on my Facebook page about a therapist I know and have worked with in the past, it was her husband D who was my main Occupational Health Mental Health Nurse, and when he wasn't available I saw H, while I like her as a person she is too happy for me, she didn't push hard enough.
However she does EMDR and so does D, but I can't tell if he's still working part time as his name isn't on the list of therapists now. However S told me I should stop hiding from female therapists and give them a chance.

You see the problem is simple, many moons ago in his letter to me S asked me what I thought being female meant, I told him I didn't know as I never identified myself as female. I mean when someone asked me who I was I am always Poppy Surname, I never identify myself as Mrs Poppy Surname, and when people call me Mrs Surname, I will always correct them and say it's Poppy Surname even in emails I never let people call me Mrs Surname, I will correct them on this in the reply. I never thought anything about it until he asked me.
We then started to talk about why, I realised it's because I see myself as quiet, soft, weak, meek, or like my mother, manipulative or narcissistic and I really don't like either of those views. The problems occur when in therapy there is a need to be dependent, open and vulnerable and there is no way I can do this with another women because I have this awful feeling that they will trample all over me like the bloody MH nurse and my mother, leaving me open to further psychological abuse.

S told me I was doing his colleagues a disservice and not being fair, and I understand that, but the thought of being knowingly vulnerable in the face of another female scars the hell out of me. I'm not sure it's the best start for therapy such as EMDR when one of the triggers that I'll be working on is how to deal with my mothers ability to make me feel like a piece of crap, and how with 11 words she can transport me from a respected academic and nurse to a useless piece of trash that isn't worth a place on this earth.

So the fact that H popped upon my timeline make me think that I should actually give her a call, see if D is around and if not take the plunge, explain the issue and hope she can push me past this feeling. The only other thing that worries me is going backward with therapists, H knew me when I was first ill, she was part of the team that I saw in 2008 before I had the diagnosis, I saw D twice, in 2008 and again in 2014 but H had left then. I also worry about them being married and that people talk, especially when they have shared clients and I don't want my past to colour where I'm at now. So that's the next problem, do I go back to someone I know and trust or do I move on like S said and find a new therapist. He said he has never gone back to the same one because of the need to build therapeutic relationships and the more people you meet the better it becomes and the easier it is to translate this into real life relationship building, something he says I need practice at.

I think I know the answer, and this means I'm ready to explore EMDR.
You see it's rambles like this clarify my thought process and why I know I need to keep writing.

So I'm off to research EMDR therapists and this time I'll try and find one that's 40 miles closer than S was.

I'm going to try and work out why I made such a mess of Friday, I'm going to celebrate that I reached week 7 without dying, and after the first two weeks without wanting to and then I'm going to wrap Christmas presents, pack and enjoy my holiday.

I won't be around from Monday Night so I will wish you all a
Merry and Peaceful Christmas
Lots of love to you all
Poppy xxx
 
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Shadow-one

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#6
Hi Poppy...

I have to log off now but just wanted to look for your new thread :)

I don't want to miss out on it so just thought I'd say a quick hello so I'm linked in for future!!

I will read it properly tomorrow when I can do it without rushing...

Great you have set this one up - I always love the way you write and your honesty :)
 
Poppy2014

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#7
Week 9 post therapy.

I did it, I went away from the 19th to the 27th and apart from once I had a total digital break.
I also had a total break away from all my family except my husband and children and I missed all of the drama that is usually associated with Christmas. My OH asked me if I realised that this was the first Christmas in over 10 years where I was at home all day or not working part of it.
I can say with a certain degree of honesty that I loved being away at Christmas I wish it could be a regular occurance

But how have I been?
Well remarkably calm, less stressed and much more stable. I feel rather odd to be honest, I'm not sure how to label these feelings and I don't have anyone to ask. However I did actually contact S on the Monday of week 7 and tell to him how I'd been over the weeks. I also asked if I could write again at week 21 and week 27, these are important weeks and mean a lot. I don't want a reply from him, I just want to write to let him know how I have developed over the weeks, these are the weeks I would have had follow up.

I didn't email him directly, I sent the email to the office as I said I would not intrude on his personal email again. To that extent I have removed him from my contact list so I'm not tempted to just email and ask questions, it still happens, sometimes I just want to ask him a stupid question, now I haven't got that it means I have to try and figure the answer out for myself, most of the time I've managed it, but sometimes I struggle and I've finally done what S wanted me to do, talk to my OH, ask him to help me.
He did reply nothing more than to tell me it was okay to write again at week 21.

The odd feelings I'm having would seem to be happiness according to my coloured bodies, but how do I know whether this is true happiness or whether I'm on the way up to a bounce/cyclone and I don't stop it because I haven't realised this is what is happening?
I'm now worrying myself into stupidity, second guessing, stressing and my OH is noticing and I can't tell him I'm getting stressed because I feel happy and I don't know whether this is normal. I now know why I should have said Yes to the follow up. These are the sort of stupid questions I could have asked S.

I'm also worried because I've been f*cking stupid and researched EMDR which I promised myself I wouldn't do as the bad side effects are always more prominently written about than the good stuff. Now I'm second guessing having it at all as I feel fairly stable, happy and I really don't want to knock it and send me off to somewhere I really don't want to be. I am also aware that S told me not to go backwards and always find a new therapist, where as I want to go back to an old one who does EMDR and who I can trust. The problem is I also know now that I manipulated him during therapy and will probably do so again as I really don't want him to know everything as I know him personally as well as professionally which negates the purpose of the therapy...

I suppose this means I really should look for someone else but I don't want to....... bah stupid person.
Anyway I'm doing good, I can't believe how well I feel for 9 weeks post therapy and how sensible I feel. I have also made some not New Year Resolutions as today I have seen a neurologist for the results of my brain MRI following my blue light from work.
He was a lovely guy who spoke really gently as if he was telling me the worst news in the world when actually he was telling me that my MRI shows I didn't have a stroke or TIA's. He thinks my facial hand and feet symptoms are due to hemiplegic migraines which fit as I get prodromal symptoms for a couple of hours prior to having them. He has also said that the Fibromyalgia and Complex pain are made worse by stress but not the normal types of stress, he asked me about my childhood history and whether there was anything I could tell him that meant I processed things differently.

I was honest and told him of the ending with Steve, the BPD and cPTSD diagnosis and the abuse background and he told me that he thinks I have a functional neurological dysfunction in other words my brains way of processing intense emotions manifests itself in physiological symptoms. He as asked if he can refer me to the pain psychotherapist as now I've finished CAT I will be more able to work with new staff and they can do EMDR... I agreed... give me strength, I'm not sure why I said yes as I feel quite stable and I'm worried about bringing it all back up for nothing

As part of my writing, occasionally I write verse, nothing spectacular but I have no choice, the words just play on a loop until they are written down. This is the result

THERAPY

It’s hard to explain, there’s a lot to be said,
About what it’s like to be inside my head
There’s hatred, denial, a lot of self-doubt,
Anger, isolation, there’s no way out

I’m trapped in this body filled with self-loathing and rage,
Where seconds feel like hours and hours feel like days
My body wrecked with pain, my mind plagued with fear,
I’m ready to battle, conquer all who come near

Terror turns to anger, outbursts to shame,
Is the pursuit of happiness just the pursuit of more pain?
I’ll pull and I’ll twist and I’ll push till you crack,
I will make you take your reassurances back
But you are stronger than that, you stayed and you pushed,
You gave time and space, I did not feel rushed

It became easier and easier to talk and not lie
We spoke of the future rather than wanting to die
We spoke of evil and monsters, of kindness and love
Of family and children, of work and of books
We explored hurt and abandonment, anger and fear
Cyclones and bounces, narrating and tears.
We talked of puppets and masters, of husbands and wives
Of what it meant to move on with my life

The end it was painful, I hated it all
I had day dreams and nightmares, while waiting to fall
I did so spectacularly, but wait, something's wrong
It wasn’t a real fall, it didn’t last long.
I was able to stop it, to practice self-care
To recognise that, I was nearly there
It’s hard to explain, there’s a lot to be said,
About what it’s like to be inside my head
There is love and acceptance, a little self-doubt
Peace and connections, I’m finding my way out.

Then Christmas came and I finally knew
That I’m happy and safe, I no longer need you
 
Shadow-one

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#8
OMG Poppy.....

I have only read this piece from you right now....

My God Poppy - your poetry is perfect...
Absolutely sums up all BPD thinking brilliantly...
Well for me anyway - because - almost everything you wrote about - I feel it too...
I just haven't had any 'ending' yet (of which I'm extremely glad) but the general dramatics,the feelings, the guilt the shame the anger and frustration, the pushing away the wanting it/them back, the highs and the lows, the hope and the realisation it was all in vain......well lets just say - I think you wrote extremely well about it all.... Well done :) You are very talented....

Otherwise - I'm so glad that you're feeling 'happy'
It is also a feeling that I would dread - because - how do you know what to do with it??
How do you know if it's real - or just a bit of a high before someone looks at you a bit differently and suddenly all the negativity comes flooding back - emersing you in sheer anger that you ever believed that it was there in the first place... Like you were tricked into it when you swore you would never again....

However - Poppy - with all my heart - I really hope that your happiness is very real and long lived...

I can't identify with your self control over S.... :(
If it were me - I would be crying down the phone - sitting outside the door waiting for Catherine to arrive so I could get down on my hands and knees and beg her to let me in..... I'm serious!
So I think you are doing great - and it's nice (maybe!) for your OH to feel more involved in your 'mental life'

Maybe you could put the EDMR therapy on hold for a little bit.....
Maybe till easter or something like that ...
Give yourself a chance just to be you for a while....
See what happens for you....and if this is a bounce - well the therapy could come at a very good time for you then.... Just a suggestion :)

I'm delighted you had such a lovely Christmas away with your family....

You really deserved a calm and peaceful time this year.....

Please keep us posted here Poppy - it's always so great to hear how you're getting on....

xx
 
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Poppy2014

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#9
It's been a rough week, I went back to work on Monday and very quickly slipped into old behaviours, getting up at 6:30 in work for 8 and switching the computer off finally around 1-2 in a morning. My diary is overwhelming and I really haven't got time in it to actually eat. from 9-5 I do not have more than 15 minutes between lessons or meetings and that time is for walking between them.
Every day I have someone else asking if they can have 5 more minutes or fit a meeting in here or there, or can I do something and I have to say no. I really do not have the time and it's making me feel so guilty as I'm neglecting my job because I can't do everything that people want me to do.

I am restarting my PhD work on Monday so that is something else to beat myself up with as I'm no where near where I should be and I have a deadline in June that need so much doing for it. I really need to start and plan desperately carefully and make sure the time is used as it should be. I cannot afford to let it slide much longer, this really isn't going to work like my other assignments. But I really do not have the time, my job is so overwhelming that I have missed 27 out of 52 study days as I have too much in my day job to have the time off for my PhD job, I have taken 6 days A/L and I have 31 left and I physically do not have 31 days where I am not teaching some or all of it between Jan 1 and August 31st. How do I manage that?

Yesterday I realised this is my first real test and I'm starting to bounce to the low side of things, the I told you you were no good, you can't do it, you should just pack in now and go do something else side of things. So I did the most sensible thing I could do. I stopped. I was on a work from home marking day so it wasn't as bad as it could have been...except that between now and Friday I have 57 1st year assignments that need marking, 25 Msc assignments and 40 podcasts to moderate and that's on top of a full week in work, missing my PhD day again and only possible if I do 4 hours work every night after I come home.

So I took a deep breath and I didn't take my medication (I take a medication to help me stay awake as I have a condition called idiopathic hypersomnia) If I don't take this I fall asleep in strange places, (at work, in the car, sat at the computer...) and I lasted until 3pm, I went to bed at 3:05 was asleep by 3:06 and woke up at 9:35 this morning. I don't feel too bad now and I'm able to take a sensible look at my work load for next week and I've pulled out of a few meetings and will pull out of a few more when I look at it again.

I think on top of the workload I realised I'm going to have 3 more lots of surgery and trying to plan those into my workload is hard. I'm having a minor op that I didn't expect on Monday morning, but I have PhD supervision, and I'm supposed to be delivering mentorship updates at one of the trusts I link at, and I can't miss those, so I've tried to sort the op out for 7:30 am so I can get to work for 11, my head is just yelling at me why??? why don't you just cancel??? people will not die if they don't get their updates, someone else can deliver them... PhD supervision happens every month, missing one won't hurt... but no I have to be superwomen, prove I can do everything, I'm perfect, if I'm not then I'm not good enough... the contorted thinking

And so the journey begins... this is why I need someone, why I need to be able to offload and why I need a sensible voice of reason... and then I remember and get angry and upset and sad and angry...
I'm just getting to the point where I know I need to do this and I know I can, I just don't want to, I want someone to be there, I don't want to carry this alone and OH doesn't really get it, he is supportive but he just tells me I being daft and of course I can do this.

But at the minute I really feel like I can't.

One swift kick up the rear end required...:floggingdeadhorse: I really need to grow up.
But I suppose this had to happen, I need to get through a tough time and I need to do it by myself, I need to solve my problems and I need to be the one who says stop. I have the tools, I've just misplaced them temporarily.

It's so damn frustrating when at Christmas I was feeling so happy, and even though I'm going through this shit I still don't feel suicidal or out of control, I just feel sad and disappointed in myself.

I'm confused.
 
write

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#10
That sounds so, too, full on Poppy. Even someone feeling on top form would surely struggle with your workload etc? I don't think it's about needing a kick or to grow up or not being able to do it all, it just sounds logistically impossible. Just my take on it and know am not in your position. Hope the surgeries are successful. Take care as much as you can x
 
Poppy2014

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#11
Boll**ks.

I've wound myself up so bad that my GP thinks my missing period is due to stress.
I knew this month was bad but I never realised my period would be the one thing that finally gave. I'm grumpy and I have back pain which according to the GP is "phantom" period pains... I haven't had period pains since I was 17 FFS.

I need to sort myself out. 10 more days and then I can breathe, but this will not happen again next year. I will speak to my boss and say something has to give and as one of the modules I teach and "hate " with an absolute passion clashes with a module where I lead and have shed loads of teaching on I know which one is going....

I will breathe next week if this snot nose, cough and temp doesn't turn into something more.

And I'm grumpy because my son came home from school on Friday obviously unwell, the teacher had ignored his requests for paracetamol as he had a temperature.
At 3pm it was 37.9 and 6pm it was 40.2 and he was having rigors... he now has Flu, poor sod has been in a mess. Worse thing is he said he got it from XXX she was at school on Thursday coughing, having really high temperatures, and not feeling well, but she couldn't stay at home because her parents couldn't afford to take a day off work to look after her.
It's such a crap indictment of society that parents cannot "afford" to take time off to look after their sick kids.
 
blacksmoke

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#12
gee sounds like you are in the wars Poppy. the school sounds neglectful. and yeah parents and sick children. the other thing that tends to happen is that they farm them out to relatives.
 
Shadow-one

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#13
Hey Poppy....

Gosh you have a lot going on there.....

It also drives me MAD when people send their children to school rather than take a day off to mind them...

Bugs/infections just race around from child to child....

I'm not sure what is happening in 10 days for you but it sounds like it will take some pressure off you :)
I'm thinking it's maybe that you can finish the module you hate - so I hope this is it....

I hope you're okay otherwise Poppy....

:hug:
 
Poppy2014

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#15
I always feel better when I write it down and can actually see the world for how it is.

Following my rant here I did what I should have done 2 weeks ago.

I took stock. Wrote down exactly what I had to do, when I had to do it for, planned that into my diary, and realised that I cannot work 22 hours a day if I want to live, and function in any sensible way.

I thought, took a deep breath and asked for help.
I contacted a module lead and said I needed an extra day for marking.
I contacted S (my boss) who had previously said she would moderate for me, but hadn't mentioned it since and I didn't want to push my luck as she has done so much for me in the past. She offered immediately and said thank you for reminding her and not trying to take too much on... and finally I reviewed my work load and asked to be taken off one of the big modules from next year and she agreed just like that.

Last night I slept for 5 hours, and this morning I woke up without an headache and my back spasm was easing. Today I didn't start feeling drowsy until 3pm (i nearly fell asleep in a staff meeting) but I managed to pull out by moving around.

I made sure I had lunch, I have taken pop into class so I had plenty to drink and tonight I feel like a ton weight has been lifted.


In other news... Yes or No answers on a post card.
The job I really want at university has come up. It is at least 3 years too soon but it was one of those jobs that went on at Christmas, it is a 2 band pay rise Head of Dept.
It will mean I don't have as much teaching, and fixed management days, but it's 3 years too soon.
I really don't know if I've got enough experience, but looking at the job spec I feel like I could do it and the previous HoD was happy to let me help.
It's just 3 years too soon...and I'm not sure my head is in the right place, or that my health is in a place right now. Damity Damity Damn Damn
 
Poppy2014

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#16
Shoot me now.
I've made the decision
I've applied for the job
I haven't a cat in hells chance of getting it but I'd be more angry with myself if I didn't at least try.
The interview experience will be good if I get that far.
If not I will just carry on getting more experience and wait for next time.
 
blacksmoke

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#17
hey Poppy thats a win win situation and i guess cos you are not hyped up about whether you get it or not you are more likely to succeed lol!
 
Shadow-one

Shadow-one

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#18
Hi Poppy

Well done on being brave and applying for the job :D

You have nothing at all to lose by throwing your name in the pot - and as you said if you don't get it this time - the experience of the interview will stand to you next time..

It's been a long time since I have done an interview - but I have found honesty about what you do know and don't know is the only way to go!
And just be yourself....
You can always be 'willing to learn' which covers the bits you don't know nicely!!

You however always seem very knowledgeable, focused and well balanced at work.....
And I'm sure this will stand to you... :)

I really hope that you do get an interview, and that you feel in the end that you gave it your very best shot...
And if you don't get it then - well you have nothing at all to challenge yourself about..:D

Let us know when it's on Poppy and well done again!
 
Poppy2014

Poppy2014

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#19
Want to really give myself a telling off, I have reverted to some of the stupid behaviour I used to do when things were piling up but not some of the more dangerous stuff. I have a lot going on at the minute, too much really and there is nothing I can do this time, it's not something I can ask for help with either as there is nothing to actually do.

I need a talking buddy, I think I'm going to find a short term therapist to get me over this next few weeks, I'm definitely going to have to talk to Josephine my study mentor, just to let her know I'm feeling fidgety.
But and I suppose this is the big thing while I may have dropped a few clangers over the past 10 days, they are not professional ones, nor have I had a meltdown, or cycloned up into a frenzy and this is huge.
At least I'm recognising there is a potential for this to go off the rails and being proactive with it.

I don't think I've ever felt as nervous applying for a job, normally I'm excited about it and ready for it, this time I feel completely overwhelmed and out of my depth, and I'm not sure I really want it (well I am but I'm not sure I want it now) I really feel under prepared for it. I suppose for a comparison it would be like a staff nurse applying for a Matron post without going through the sister, ward manager, specialist role first.

Looking at the job spec I know I can do 2/3rds of it without any problems, it's the other 1/3rd that's the issue. I know the basics, it's the nitty gritty that's the issue, I don't know what everything is yet and I suppose other people wouldn't but they have had a lot more experience. However talking to some of the staff there is no one there with any experience in the role either.
It wouldn't be so bad if it was just my field but it's all fields of healthcare and that means 2 governing bodies to deal with.

I'm just overwhelmed and I don't know how to stop it.
 
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myguineapigisinnocent

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#20
I relate a lot to this. i have been slipping back into my old BPD coping mechanisms lately and it has caused me to feel much shame. also a lot of stuff oing on with my life although not job related but health related and relationship related (going through possible cancer scare at moment and also supporting a friend through actual cancer).

I think it is a great thing though Poppy2014, that you have not gone into meltdown as you would have done before and that is huge progress. well done for being proactive in recognising things are spiralling a bit for you. Give yourself a pat on the back- you deserve it <3:flower2::bravo:
 
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