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Move back or stay where I am?

S

sunshine7

Member
Joined
Aug 11, 2019
Messages
7
Location
cali
I recently moved to Oregon from Cali to immerse myself in nature, start DBT & heal from untreated BPD & severe low self esteem.

I'm trying to get involved in the vegan community, grow friendships & eventually start a business. However I have already ruined my reputation with one person who's known in the community as I backed out of a lease before arriving, but paid everything regardless.

And now after being new in town for only a few months my real estate agent stopped working with me as I couldn't commit to a house & was too hesitant to make any firm decisions, a lot of unstable behaviors. Yes my real estate agent literally fired me!
She's also in the vegan community & my rep isn't good with her either.

Should I go back to Cali or stay in Oregon for awhile to get therapy?

I want to stay but my rep so far is corrupted & not sure it's worth it.
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,009
Location
Norfolk
I recently moved to Oregon from Cali to immerse myself in nature, start DBT & heal from untreated BPD & severe low self esteem.

I'm trying to get involved in the vegan community, grow friendships & eventually start a business. However I have already ruined my reputation with one person who's known in the community as I backed out of a lease before arriving, but paid everything regardless.

And now after being new in town for only a few months my real estate agent stopped working with me as I couldn't commit to a house & was too hesitant to make any firm decisions, a lot of unstable behaviors. Yes my real estate agent literally fired me!
She's also in the vegan community & my rep isn't good with her either.

Should I go back to Cali or stay in Oregon for awhile to get therapy?

I want to stay but my rep so far is corrupted & not sure it's worth it.
You stay and you stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve been so brave to get this far, so don’t let a perceived set back derail you. I say perceived as it’s quite possible you are using cognitive distortions and what you think may not be factual. Perhaps your reputation isn’t shattered at all? Perhaps these things happen all the time in real estate? Personally, I’d see or speak to the person in question, maybe apologise for wasting their time. Maybe explain you’ve had a lot on your mind and it wasn’t intentional. Maybe state when you’re in the right place to proceed, would they mind you getting back in contact.
Maybe you’re worrying too much and a conversation would ease your mind? At very least if you did leave you would know you’ve left for the right reason. 🤗
 
S

sunshine7

Member
Joined
Aug 11, 2019
Messages
7
Location
cali
You stay and you stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve been so brave to get this far, so don’t let a perceived set back derail you. I say perceived as it’s quite possible you are using cognitive distortions and what you think may not be factual. Perhaps your reputation isn’t shattered at all? Perhaps these things happen all the time in real estate? Personally, I’d see or speak to the person in question, maybe apologise for wasting their time. Maybe explain you’ve had a lot on your mind and it wasn’t intentional. Maybe state when you’re in the right place to proceed, would they mind you getting back in contact.
Maybe you’re worrying too much and a conversation would ease your mind? At very least if you did leave you would know you’ve left for the right reason. 🤗
I appreciate the kind words of support. It's not perceived as the roommate situation I didn't follow through on (but paid in full & apologized) left the person disliking me & blocking me on social media. Normally this wouldn't be a major concern but she's best friends with a person who is a well known leader in the vegan community & this could harm my social/business opportunities.

The real estate agent & I were almost friends & there was mutual romantic interest too with her but she couldn't handle my instability & we no longer talk, plus she's dating someone else now. I did apologize to her but my rep is still negative, as she views me as a flaky, unstable person with mental issues, and she's made subtle comments too.

Just don't know if too much damage has been done here.
 
midnightphoenix

midnightphoenix

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 9, 2012
Messages
10,522
Location
Tigger and Willow's house UK
I appreciate the kind words of support. It's not perceived as the roommate situation I didn't follow through on (but paid in full & apologized) left the person disliking me & blocking me on social media. Normally this wouldn't be a major concern but she's best friends with a person who is a well known leader in the vegan community & this could harm my social/business opportunities.

The real estate agent & I were almost friends & there was mutual romantic interest too with her but she couldn't handle my instability & we no longer talk, plus she's dating someone else now. I did apologize to her but my rep is still negative, as she views me as a flaky, unstable person with mental issues, and she's made subtle comments too.

Just don't know if too much damage has been done here.
I hope it all works out for you :hug:
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,009
Location
Norfolk
I appreciate the kind words of support. It's not perceived as the roommate situation I didn't follow through on (but paid in full & apologized) left the person disliking me & blocking me on social media. Normally this wouldn't be a major concern but she's best friends with a person who is a well known leader in the vegan community & this could harm my social/business opportunities.

The real estate agent & I were almost friends & there was mutual romantic interest too with her but she couldn't handle my instability & we no longer talk, plus she's dating someone else now. I did apologize to her but my rep is still negative, as she views me as a flaky, unstable person with mental issues, and she's made subtle comments too.

Just don't know if too much damage has been done here.
The only way you’ll know is by staying for a bit. Who knows, if you start to feel better and behave differently maybe you can eventually mend the said relationships. 🤗
 
G

Girl interupted

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 17, 2018
Messages
1,331
My auto response when things got tough was to run back home. Even as I knew I had left it to make my life better. This was a chronic problem with me into my late 20s.

My therapist taught me that not running away, while hard, reaps benefits I had never encountered before.

So in my 30s I dug my feet in. The panic button was loud but I forced myself to ignore it. It was incredibly hard. I had thought I had screwed me and my reputation beyond repair.

But then something happened. The person I was having a hard time with had a bit of a crisis. I stepped up and helped her. It changed our dynamic and proved to me (in other subsequent dilemmas too) that what I perceived as impossible to change was merely temporary. And that things could get even better than they had been prior.

We forget, with bpd, that everyone is human. That relationships are elastic. That you are judged by others not on your mistakes but instead your character. And that can only be revealed over time.

Dig your feet in. Work hard. Be truthful and fair with people. Next year you may find these two people are close friends instead.
 
S

sunshine7

Member
Joined
Aug 11, 2019
Messages
7
Location
cali
My auto response when things got tough was to run back home. Even as I knew I had left it to make my life better. This was a chronic problem with me into my late 20s.

My therapist taught me that not running away, while hard, reaps benefits I had never encountered before.

So in my 30s I dug my feet in. The panic button was loud but I forced myself to ignore it. It was incredibly hard. I had thought I had screwed me and my reputation beyond repair.

But then something happened. The person I was having a hard time with had a bit of a crisis. I stepped up and helped her. It changed our dynamic and proved to me (in other subsequent dilemmas too) that what I perceived as impossible to change was merely temporary. And that things could get even better than they had been prior.

We forget, with bpd, that everyone is human. That relationships are elastic. That you are judged by others not on your mistakes but instead your character. And that can only be revealed over time.

Dig your feet in. Work hard. Be truthful and fair with people. Next year you may find these two people are close friends instead.

Hello,

Thank you for sharing, wise words as well. I'm a classic runner, instinctual actually. I'll stay put for now, and focus on healing. Thank you everyone for sharing :)
 
Lunus

Lunus

Well-known member
Joined
May 20, 2019
Messages
1,009
Location
Norfolk
My auto response when things got tough was to run back home. Even as I knew I had left it to make my life better. This was a chronic problem with me into my late 20s.

My therapist taught me that not running away, while hard, reaps benefits I had never encountered before.

So in my 30s I dug my feet in. The panic button was loud but I forced myself to ignore it. It was incredibly hard. I had thought I had screwed me and my reputation beyond repair.

But then something happened. The person I was having a hard time with had a bit of a crisis. I stepped up and helped her. It changed our dynamic and proved to me (in other subsequent dilemmas too) that what I perceived as impossible to change was merely temporary. And that things could get even better than they had been prior.

We forget, with bpd, that everyone is human. That relationships are elastic. That you are judged by others not on your mistakes but instead your character. And that can only be revealed over time.

Dig your feet in. Work hard. Be truthful and fair with people. Next year you may find these two people are close friends instead.
That’s really nice to hear and so true. Personally, I love the saying ‘nobody can run fast enough to escape their thoughts’. 😁
 
S

sunshine7

Member
Joined
Aug 11, 2019
Messages
7
Location
cali
That’s really nice to hear and so true. Personally, I love the saying ‘nobody can run fast enough to escape their thoughts’. 😁
Absolute truth, and gosh how I have tried lol
 
thermos

thermos

Member
Joined
Feb 21, 2019
Messages
5
Location
England
Paying in full and apologising sounds quite honourable, I have no idea why someone would block you for that, I think you did ok there. And a Vegan community in a world of meat eaters sounds like heaven, I hope you brave it out.
 
S

sunshine7

Member
Joined
Aug 11, 2019
Messages
7
Location
cali
Paying in full and apologising sounds quite honourable, I have no idea why someone would block you for that, I think you did ok there. And a Vegan community in a world of meat eaters sounds like heaven, I hope you brave it out.
Sweet, thank you! My love for nature & veganism will help me to push through the barriers, I'll brave it out :)
 
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