Hi Nicola
Yes I did go through that and completely understand how you are feeling. I occassionally get that little tug in my heart when I see my friends who have such strong bonds with their family and the depth and wealth of love and support they experience with them. When I was a teenager at times I felt intensely jealous of my friends, and bitterness that I couldn't have what they had, although I never told them I felt that way. I went through a long period of grieving over this, and felt very lonely.
I did get back in touch with my family after some time because of this, hoping and wishing that after so long without contact, that things would have changed, that me having been completely independant and not needing to rely on them in anyway that the relationship would have changed and moved on. However for me it was a huge mistake. Things in fact had not changed at all, they managed to continue the cycle of abuse in other ways, and tried to excuse their previous actions at the same time, apportioning some of the blame on me, when in fact I was a child and they were the adults in the relationship. This led me to have a huge relapse in my problems, I was left confused, I started blaming myself, and as a result harming myself in many ways until I realised that in order to save myself I had to once again 'divorce' them. It was horrendous, it was like my family died twice, and honestly, a part of me died too.
I'm in no way suggesting the same will happen to you, everyone has different resources and strengths, experiences and some families do manage somehow to move on.
These days it is not so hard as I am older. I think it is harder when you are younger because your friends are probably still hugely relying on their families (financially, emotionally, security etc) their parents probably still play a huge role in their life, moreso than when they are older. When I was a teenager my friends could not comprehend not having their families in their life, so had little understanding of what it was like for me and I felt very lonely indeed. They (naively) pressured me to get back in touch with my family, and some of them went to great lengths to get me to do so, naively believing it was best for me. This led to a huge betrayal by one of my best friends, she felt she was doing what was best, but left me devasted and compounded my relapse.
Again I'm in no way saying the same will happen to you, it's just sadly my personal experience.
I guess, this may not be helping you. But I can not lie and say it was all so easy and a bed of roses. However what I can say is that when I fully accepted that having a relationship with my family that was not harmful to me was not possible, the angst and grief I felt slowly lifted and faded and I could finally start the process of healing myself, and looking to fulfill my emotional needs elsewhere in a more healthy way.
Over time as I said earlier, many of my friends parents kind of adopted me! I created a family for myself forged out of friends and their families and people I knew. I have stronger bonds with my friends now, stronger than most but not in a clingy or emotionally draining way. Of course it was not the same as having the security and unconditional love my friends appeared to get from their families but I did not expect that. The most important thing for me was that I felt loved, and that I learned to love and trust people that were not harming me and I certainly did/do feel that.
Now my friends are older, and the people I socialise with are older no one really asks me about my family anymore, like you do when you are younger, so I rarely have to dredge up the pain of the past as often as I used to which makes things easier. Although I sadly missed my extended family (some of them like with yourself were so young, and I terribly wanted to still be a part of their life), i now draw consolation from the fact that over the years they have started to get in touch with me, which is now possible as they are young adults and at that age rarely contact my immediate family if at all for reasons i mentioned in my earlier post.
I can understand how you feel when your friends go back home, and I am in awe of you that after all your problems you are not letting it stop you from getting your education, and getting what you want in life. For me as long as I was looking back and hoping/expecting more from my own family or wishing my history was different I was blocking the path to a happier future. I'm not saying don't or do get back in touch with them by saying that though, it has to be your decision.
All I can say to you is hang in there! Things are likely to get easier over time although you may still experience some peaks and troughs.
But in my experience my life has changed beyond all recognition, yes I do still have some problems, life is not perfect, but I am nowhere near as unhappy as I was with my family! And you know what, I wouldn't change any part of my life now. That may sound strange but because of my experiences my friends often approach me with their problems and I am so happy to be of any help to them. I also have a greater sensitivity to people, an insight and understanding that I would not have had otherwise. I was/am generally successful in my jobs paid or voluntary because I have a desire to make the most of things that I didn't have before, which alot of people I know struggle with maybe because they don't know what it is to have nothing. And ultimately, if I was a different person I wouldn't have my wonderful husband that fell in love with the person I am now warts and all! So do hang in there, things can change, it's easy for me to say I know, but truley they can!
If you're feeling lonely, struggling, or whatever the reason, you are more than welcome to PM me.