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Mothers who abuse

cloudberry

cloudberry

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Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
there was an interesting thing on the news about battered husbands by their wives.

Most publicised abuse of kids is by fathers. Has anyone here had it by their mum?

I feel I have. My mum is gay. she wasnt very gentle ever and I have terrible flashbacks sometimes to ages 0 - 5 or so.

My new b/f is a guitarist and as such has long nails on his right hand (doesnt use a plectrum) and this has triggered some memories again. Of long nails. Usually a female thing. Mum had long nails and used to pinch us and other stuff.

Feel I am sinking fast right now at the thought of having to tell Dr J about this tomorrow. I've been putting it off long enough. The shame is unbearable. I know I shouldnt feel shame, it wasnt my fault. But people who have had this type of thing do feel terrible shame.

Why?

Its even wierder when you are female and it was another female who did it, your own mum. Total head f*ck or wot?

Then my dad will be on the phone in a few days trying to get me to see her again. Well, at least he hasnt done that for a few months anyway. Long may that pressure stay away. i dont want to have to spell it out for him too.

cloudberry. very upset.:cry:
 
Q

quality factor

Guest
My mother physically abused me mainly during my teen years. She was suffering a mental condition when all this happened and it seems that I became her target of bad mood swings.
I have never felt close to her since, I will never forget it and I too have flashbacks which make me want to curl up and die. I can't stand to be too near to her physically and sometimes I can sense myself pulling away from her.
She has a very demanding nature,moreso since I lost my dad twelve months ago...she exhausts me now mentally.She seems to have conveniently forgotten about her actions, but as I've said,I never will.
QF.
 
N

Nicola09

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2009
Messages
14
Location
Midlands
I was sexually abused by my Mother and Father, although it was more often my Father. But I know how you feel, i'm ashamed about it.
When I talked to the police and a social worker about it I physically couldn't say it because I was so embaressed and ashamed. I understood that they needed to hear it come from me so they could go further with it, but I was just so embaressed. I can remember feeling my face get hotter and hotter, I must of been so red with shame and embaressment. I was able to say 'my dad sexually bla bla..' but I just couldn't say it about my Mum.
I think part of it for me was also being unable to accept what she had done to me. I craved a Mother so much, it's all I wanted. I guess the time when I admitted to what she had done outloud to a number of people was when it hit me 'jesus, my mums a peadophile'. That's such a massive thing for anything to have to accept. Your Mums your mum, it shouldn't happen from your father or mother. Although my Dad did worse things to me, it hurt more when my Mum did it.

It's such a horrible thing, and i'm sorry you had to experience it too. I'm still young and it's all so raw for me still, I still wake up and think, gosh it was only two years ago that i was still suffering in their hands. It sends shivers down me to think that anyone else had to go through it, unfortunately it happens too often.

Please take care of yourself. Maybe you could try talking to your boyfriend? I can relate to what your experiencing. For me i'm still not ready to have relationships because it just triggers too much for me. Probably because I haven't really been away from my Mother and Father ( I hate refering to them as that) for too long. The most important thing you need to do is keep yourself safe as possible. So maybe talking to your boyfriend could help? Although I appreciate talking to him about the abuse might not be possible for you.

I hope things get better for you,
take care
Nic x
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

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Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Mine exhausts me too. And my sister. and anyone else she comes into contact with. She is an "emotional vampire" to use that expression.

As with rape, its all about power, domination and control. I know the score. And no doubt so do you. :hug:

The flashbacks are dreadful. Pulling away from her is a totally rational and reasonable thing to do.

I used to see a consellor who told me it was OK to Divorce a parent. It took me about five years and three revolting incidents (not sexual but vile emotionally) with my mother before I acted on that option. My only regret now is that a) I didnt do it sooner and b) that she is so cold emotionally that nothing, even freezing her out, makes no difference.

I wouldnt have any contact at all except I love my sister, and she has three lads - my nephews who I also love. And my sis lives in the same village as my/our mum. I dont have kids, so dont have to do what Alex - my sister has to do for the sake of her kids and proximity.

I'm 46 now, but until two years ago my dad (long divorced from my mum - since I was 7) and my sis were putting pressure on me to passify her and pander to her overblown totally irrational ego. And I have "caved" many times in the past. But I have really, really reached my limit now.

As for lacking a mother..... see my reply to the next post. It is hard.


Sending a hug or two.:hug:

cloudberry




My mother physically abused me mainly during my teen years. She was suffering a mental condition when all this happened and it seems that I became her target of bad mood swings.
I have never felt close to her since, I will never forget it and I too have flashbacks which make me want to curl up and die. I can't stand to be too near to her physically and sometimes I can sense myself pulling away from her.
She has a very demanding nature,moreso since I lost my dad twelve months ago...she exhausts me now mentally.She seems to have conveniently forgotten about her actions, but as I've said,I never will.
QF.
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

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Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Ouch, oh yes. The cruelest cut?

There is so much I could reply to in this most eloquent post you have responded to. And thankyou so much. Because to know I am not the only one in this is the hope I most had in being brave enough to post it in the first place.

I dont know why it is worse when its your mum. I didnt have it from my dad like you did. that must be the most awful thing. But my dad was absent and mum "ruled the roost". I didnt have the words at the time. It was so long ago for me. I blanked it out for a long long time.

You are young, and yes it is more recent. But the upside of that is you can deal with it now. Not deal with it plus cobwebs. And that I would recommend.

I still crave a mother, a real mother, who actually cares. But I am not going to get one now.
Maybe if she is ill when she gets old (she is 70 now but still has a younger woman partner pandering after her and bringing in over 60K a year) and doesnt have S anymore if that happens - she may realise that some humility and gentleness is OK. But she cant right now, its still all agression and the big ego for herself.

I have had to divorce her. I am not saying this is right for you too of course. Who knows? Only you will know. Its not easy for me, my sister and my dad that I have finally taken this stance. And they dont know (dont forget)m the half of it. Which is probably why it took me so long.

I havnt seen my mother - literally - for over two years now. And yes I would like a mother. As we do. But mine isnt one of them. And I have to acdept that.

She will never take me in her arms and say "I'm sorry you had a bad day sweetie" or whatever.

She never could, and she wont start now. Sad. I'm gutted. But I have been learning to live with it for twenty years now and (doh....!) finally got my message.

One sure sign it has got through to her..... she doesnt even ring me now when one of her dogs has died.

Says it all.

She told her favourite cousin whoes daughter was literally dying to get off the line because the rugby was starting three weeks ago.

This woman has no feelings.

To engage further just brings me more and more pain.

And their is no like your mother who can hurt you. It is the most awfuyl pain.

Rejuect pain wherever yopu find it. Seek harmony and gratitude for harmony. And get on with the other things in your life that you can develope and have some joy from.

Not all women are mothers.

I guess its as simple as that. Just bloody unfortunate to have one give birth to you.

Sending all best wishes, from me to you

cloudberry

resigned to it now, but lets look up?!

I was sexually abused by my Mother and Father, although it was more often my Father. But I know how you feel, i'm ashamed about it.
When I talked to the police and a social worker about it I physically couldn't say it because I was so embaressed and ashamed. I understood that they needed to hear it come from me so they could go further with it, but I was just so embaressed. I can remember feeling my face get hotter and hotter, I must of been so red with shame and embaressment. I was able to say 'my dad sexually bla bla..' but I just couldn't say it about my Mum.
I think part of it for me was also being unable to accept what she had done to me. I craved a Mother so much, it's all I wanted. I guess the time when I admitted to what she had done outloud to a number of people was when it hit me 'jesus, my mums a peadophile'. That's such a massive thing for anything to have to accept. Your Mums your mum, it shouldn't happen from your father or mother. Although my Dad did worse things to me, it hurt more when my Mum did it.

It's such a horrible thing, and i'm sorry you had to experience it too. I'm still young and it's all so raw for me still, I still wake up and think, gosh it was only two years ago that i was still suffering in their hands. It sends shivers down me to think that anyone else had to go through it, unfortunately it happens too often.

Please take care of yourself. Maybe you could try talking to your boyfriend? I can relate to what your experiencing. For me i'm still not ready to have relationships because it just triggers too much for me. Probably because I haven't really been away from my Mother and Father ( I hate refering to them as that) for too long. The most important thing you need to do is keep yourself safe as possible. So maybe talking to your boyfriend could help? Although I appreciate talking to him about the abuse might not be possible for you.

I hope things get better for you,
take care
Nic x
 
ms_P

ms_P

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BeNeLux
My mother abused me physically and emotionally. I am also the product of neglect. More than that, I'm unable to say.
 
ms_P

ms_P

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BeNeLux
I can't edit my post anymore...but suffice it to say, my mother was Bi-Polar. I hope no one gets huffy.
 
cloudberry

cloudberry

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Founding Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2008
Messages
409
Location
North Lincolnshire
Its maybe the last taboo

Its been "outed" about men / fathers abusing. But not much at all about mothers.

Which is why I put up in a post about my felings about this. I am no expert, dont get me wrong. I have just got to deal with my own feelings about this and hoped by sharing it it would make me feel less alone in this and isolated.

Its a pretty bloody shitty thing.

Why is it easier to excuse men doing this than women?

I would love to know.

cloudberry:hug:

My mother abused me physically and emotionally. I am also the product of neglect. More than that, I'm unable to say.
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say thank you to you all for your courage and bravery for raising this subject, it has had the most tremendous impact on me. Unfortunately I'm not sure if i'm brave/ready enough to talk about it all on the forum myself, for many reasons, but all I can say is that I do understand some of what you are all going through.

All I can say is that as a result I not only 'divorced' my parents but my whole family, and it had a tremendous impact on my life. I was only a teenager and the pressure was huge from everyone (including professionals??!! fortunately their attitude to this in my respect has very much changed now) to get back in touch at any cost. My family were so incensed and vengeful that I lost everything I knew including my job, my home, my education, then consequently my friends, eventually my sanity and almost my life. I also stopped contact with the rest of my extended family, beloved cousins, aunties/uncles/grandparents, it felt that everyone i knew and loved died overnight and everything that I knew to be certain had disappeared. It was really harrowing and traumatic but I had to do it, I could not allow my immediate family to access me in anyway to feed me more of their poison.

Things are so much better now, I have had some amazing and positive experiences from doing so, and am relieved that they no longer have an avenue to feed their poison to me. My extended family started contacting me over the years after realising (because of my immediate families slip ups in their lies) that I was telling the truth and that my family were so wrong in what they did. Some of them do not even speak to them now. It was not my intention but they chose to do it in respect of me and in respect of their own morals of what they view is right and wrong.

I'm not saying it is the best thing to do, it was very traumatic and as I said it almost cost me my life . But when I was free from my families criticism/lies/deceit/derogatory comments/abuse I was able to concentrate on learning to love myself and healing myself. I was able to forge many loving relationships, and had experiences of being loved in caring and supportive families, that I will never forget. My life is 100% better, 200% better in fact!
Hey I still have many problems, but at least now I can concentrate on them rather than fulfilling someone elses need for power/manipulation and control. And I have built loving and supportive relationships to help me get through my problems rather than compunding them.

I am in no way trying to influence what you choose to do, for everyone it is a different and personal journey. But this is my experience.

Thanks for discussing this, it has helped me no end to know i'm not alone and if any of you want to PM me you're more than welcome!

:grouphug:
 
shaun3210

shaun3210

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Feb 18, 2009
Messages
1,805
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Up North
My parents where not sexually aggressive towards me but they were physically and emotionally. Sorry if this post doesn’t fit in with the theme of this thread

Why is it so hard to accept the argument??? “You were a child and unable to stop what was happening to you because you were only that at the end of the day a child!”

I still feel… “If only I had acted or done…???” or “Why did they do this to me… it was because I did….???” really wish I could I could move beyond the last 2 questions, but always end up being dragged back to them.

I cant get over some events which I used for there excuse even when I’m feeling well and they are very minor events looking back! But when I’m not ...a total excuse for people who should have known better!:unsure:

Big hug to those who already posted in this thread :hug:
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
My parents where not sexually aggressive towards me but they were physically and emotionally. Sorry if this post doesn’t fit in with the theme of this thread

Why is it so hard to accept the argument??? “You were a child and unable to stop what was happening to you because you were only that at the end of the day a child!”

I still feel… “If only I had acted or done…???” or “Why did they do this to me… it was because I did….???” really wish I could I could move beyond the last 2 questions, but always end up being dragged back to them.

I cant get over some events which I used for there excuse even when I’m feeling well and they are very minor events looking back! But when I’m not ...a total excuse for people who should have known better!:unsure:

Big hug to those who already posted in this thread :hug:
Hi Shaun

Any abuse is abuse in my eyes, so of course it fits within the theme of this thread. I personally didnot mention specifically what type of abuse I received.

In answer to your question, yes I found the argument of "you were only a child..." etc etc very hard to accept. And for a very long time I also kept thinking, "why didn't I tell someone sooner?" "what if I..." etc etc.

I guess a little psychotherapy has helped with some of those questiones although for me alot more still needs to be done. In the mean time I have found reading Alice Millers books very helpful. In fact after reading one of her books, my perspectives on what had happened to me changed overnight, it was like someone switching a light on after a life time of darkness.

Here is a link to her website,

http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php

She is a leading psychotherapist who concentrates on the subject of child abuse in ALL it's forms. She campaigns tirelessly for child abuse to be eradicated and to raise awareness on the long term and negative impacts this can have on a child going into adulthood.

In fact I recommend her books to you all if you have not read them, for me they have made a significant difference to my life, unlike any other book I have read.

:grouphug:
 
keepsafe

keepsafe

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Joined
Dec 15, 2008
Messages
13,624
Someone used the word excuse - I do not excuse anyone for sexual abuse male or female.
How can you
 
N

Nicola09

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2009
Messages
14
Location
Midlands
My parents where not sexually aggressive towards me but they were physically and emotionally. Sorry if this post doesn’t fit in with the theme of this thread

Why is it so hard to accept the argument??? “You were a child and unable to stop what was happening to you because you were only that at the end of the day a child!”

I still feel… “If only I had acted or done…???” or “Why did they do this to me… it was because I did….???” really wish I could I could move beyond the last 2 questions, but always end up being dragged back to them.

I cant get over some events which I used for there excuse even when I’m feeling well and they are very minor events looking back! But when I’m not ...a total excuse for people who should have known better!:unsure:

Big hug to those who already posted in this thread :hug:
I feele exactly the same way. It was only the other day i was discussing with my friend about fostering and adoption, and my friend was saying how she felt bad for my male friend (who is adopted) as he doesn't have contact with his real parents. I pointed out that actually, he's much better off (he was abused). I then went on to say 'I wish I could of been adopted'. It made me think then. Everything that has happened to me could of been stopped, I could of been adopted probably. If I had of spoken up when it was happening then maybe I could of had a chance with a different family. I still wonder if it was my fault. When I think about children being abused there's no doubt in my mind that it could be their fault, but when I think about myself, for some reason I dont think of me as being a child. I feel like I could of done something. It's crazy, i know deep down it wasnt my fault, but it's just something I find hard to accept I guess.

I moved away from all of my family (including extended family/friends) too when I was 17 and it was very difficult. I'm so glad to be away from mum and dad, but i have young cousins (age 4 and 2) and a brother and sister (15) who I miss so much, and know that I probably wont be able to see them ever again. It's very difficult knowing I have no family. It's scary in fact. I'm in university at the moment and i'm trying to add something positive to my life, but if i'm honest, it hurts. Its the constant reminder around me. My friends going home for holidays, hearing them tell their mums how they are stressed out with revision but can't wait to go home for the summer. Small things like that can bother me. I know i'm better off without them though, and there is no way i regret cutting them all out of my life. I just know it's a hard journey ahead of me!
Did you ever feel like this, Sapphire?

Take care everyone, massive hugs to everyone :hug: xx
 
S

*Sapphire*

Guest
Hi Nicola

Yes I did go through that and completely understand how you are feeling. I occassionally get that little tug in my heart when I see my friends who have such strong bonds with their family and the depth and wealth of love and support they experience with them. When I was a teenager at times I felt intensely jealous of my friends, and bitterness that I couldn't have what they had, although I never told them I felt that way. I went through a long period of grieving over this, and felt very lonely.

I did get back in touch with my family after some time because of this, hoping and wishing that after so long without contact, that things would have changed, that me having been completely independant and not needing to rely on them in anyway that the relationship would have changed and moved on. However for me it was a huge mistake. Things in fact had not changed at all, they managed to continue the cycle of abuse in other ways, and tried to excuse their previous actions at the same time, apportioning some of the blame on me, when in fact I was a child and they were the adults in the relationship. This led me to have a huge relapse in my problems, I was left confused, I started blaming myself, and as a result harming myself in many ways until I realised that in order to save myself I had to once again 'divorce' them. It was horrendous, it was like my family died twice, and honestly, a part of me died too.

I'm in no way suggesting the same will happen to you, everyone has different resources and strengths, experiences and some families do manage somehow to move on.

These days it is not so hard as I am older. I think it is harder when you are younger because your friends are probably still hugely relying on their families (financially, emotionally, security etc) their parents probably still play a huge role in their life, moreso than when they are older. When I was a teenager my friends could not comprehend not having their families in their life, so had little understanding of what it was like for me and I felt very lonely indeed. They (naively) pressured me to get back in touch with my family, and some of them went to great lengths to get me to do so, naively believing it was best for me. This led to a huge betrayal by one of my best friends, she felt she was doing what was best, but left me devasted and compounded my relapse.

Again I'm in no way saying the same will happen to you, it's just sadly my personal experience.

I guess, this may not be helping you. But I can not lie and say it was all so easy and a bed of roses. However what I can say is that when I fully accepted that having a relationship with my family that was not harmful to me was not possible, the angst and grief I felt slowly lifted and faded and I could finally start the process of healing myself, and looking to fulfill my emotional needs elsewhere in a more healthy way.

Over time as I said earlier, many of my friends parents kind of adopted me! I created a family for myself forged out of friends and their families and people I knew. I have stronger bonds with my friends now, stronger than most but not in a clingy or emotionally draining way. Of course it was not the same as having the security and unconditional love my friends appeared to get from their families but I did not expect that. The most important thing for me was that I felt loved, and that I learned to love and trust people that were not harming me and I certainly did/do feel that.

Now my friends are older, and the people I socialise with are older no one really asks me about my family anymore, like you do when you are younger, so I rarely have to dredge up the pain of the past as often as I used to which makes things easier. Although I sadly missed my extended family (some of them like with yourself were so young, and I terribly wanted to still be a part of their life), i now draw consolation from the fact that over the years they have started to get in touch with me, which is now possible as they are young adults and at that age rarely contact my immediate family if at all for reasons i mentioned in my earlier post.

I can understand how you feel when your friends go back home, and I am in awe of you that after all your problems you are not letting it stop you from getting your education, and getting what you want in life. For me as long as I was looking back and hoping/expecting more from my own family or wishing my history was different I was blocking the path to a happier future. I'm not saying don't or do get back in touch with them by saying that though, it has to be your decision.

All I can say to you is hang in there! Things are likely to get easier over time although you may still experience some peaks and troughs.

But in my experience my life has changed beyond all recognition, yes I do still have some problems, life is not perfect, but I am nowhere near as unhappy as I was with my family! And you know what, I wouldn't change any part of my life now. That may sound strange but because of my experiences my friends often approach me with their problems and I am so happy to be of any help to them. I also have a greater sensitivity to people, an insight and understanding that I would not have had otherwise. I was/am generally successful in my jobs paid or voluntary because I have a desire to make the most of things that I didn't have before, which alot of people I know struggle with maybe because they don't know what it is to have nothing. And ultimately, if I was a different person I wouldn't have my wonderful husband that fell in love with the person I am now warts and all! So do hang in there, things can change, it's easy for me to say I know, but truley they can!

If you're feeling lonely, struggling, or whatever the reason, you are more than welcome to PM me.

:hug:
 
N

Nicola09

Member
Joined
Apr 22, 2009
Messages
14
Location
Midlands
Hi Nicola

Yes I did go through that and completely understand how you are feeling. I occassionally get that little tug in my heart when I see my friends who have such strong bonds with their family and the depth and wealth of love and support they experience with them. When I was a teenager at times I felt intensely jealous of my friends, and bitterness that I couldn't have what they had, although I never told them I felt that way. I went through a long period of grieving over this, and felt very lonely.

I did get back in touch with my family after some time because of this, hoping and wishing that after so long without contact, that things would have changed, that me having been completely independant and not needing to rely on them in anyway that the relationship would have changed and moved on. However for me it was a huge mistake. Things in fact had not changed at all, they managed to continue the cycle of abuse in other ways, and tried to excuse their previous actions at the same time, apportioning some of the blame on me, when in fact I was a child and they were the adults in the relationship. This led me to have a huge relapse in my problems, I was left confused, I started blaming myself, and as a result harming myself in many ways until I realised that in order to save myself I had to once again 'divorce' them. It was horrendous, it was like my family died twice, and honestly, a part of me died too.

I'm in no way suggesting the same will happen to you, everyone has different resources and strengths, experiences and some families do manage somehow to move on.

These days it is not so hard as I am older. I think it is harder when you are younger because your friends are probably still hugely relying on their families (financially, emotionally, security etc) their parents probably still play a huge role in their life, moreso than when they are older. When I was a teenager my friends could not comprehend not having their families in their life, so had little understanding of what it was like for me and I felt very lonely indeed. They (naively) pressured me to get back in touch with my family, and some of them went to great lengths to get me to do so, naively believing it was best for me. This led to a huge betrayal by one of my best friends, she felt she was doing what was best, but left me devasted and compounded my relapse.

Again I'm in no way saying the same will happen to you, it's just sadly my personal experience.

I guess, this may not be helping you. But I can not lie and say it was all so easy and a bed of roses. However what I can say is that when I fully accepted that having a relationship with my family that was not harmful to me was not possible, the angst and grief I felt slowly lifted and faded and I could finally start the process of healing myself, and looking to fulfill my emotional needs elsewhere in a more healthy way.

Over time as I said earlier, many of my friends parents kind of adopted me! I created a family for myself forged out of friends and their families and people I knew. I have stronger bonds with my friends now, stronger than most but not in a clingy or emotionally draining way. Of course it was not the same as having the security and unconditional love my friends appeared to get from their families but I did not expect that. The most important thing for me was that I felt loved, and that I learned to love and trust people that were not harming me and I certainly did/do feel that.

Now my friends are older, and the people I socialise with are older no one really asks me about my family anymore, like you do when you are younger, so I rarely have to dredge up the pain of the past as often as I used to which makes things easier. Although I sadly missed my extended family (some of them like with yourself were so young, and I terribly wanted to still be a part of their life), i now draw consolation from the fact that over the years they have started to get in touch with me, which is now possible as they are young adults and at that age rarely contact my immediate family if at all for reasons i mentioned in my earlier post.

I can understand how you feel when your friends go back home, and I am in awe of you that after all your problems you are not letting it stop you from getting your education, and getting what you want in life. For me as long as I was looking back and hoping/expecting more from my own family or wishing my history was different I was blocking the path to a happier future. I'm not saying don't or do get back in touch with them by saying that though, it has to be your decision.

All I can say to you is hang in there! Things are likely to get easier over time although you may still experience some peaks and troughs.

But in my experience my life has changed beyond all recognition, yes I do still have some problems, life is not perfect, but I am nowhere near as unhappy as I was with my family! And you know what, I wouldn't change any part of my life now. That may sound strange but because of my experiences my friends often approach me with their problems and I am so happy to be of any help to them. I also have a greater sensitivity to people, an insight and understanding that I would not have had otherwise. I was/am generally successful in my jobs paid or voluntary because I have a desire to make the most of things that I didn't have before, which alot of people I know struggle with maybe because they don't know what it is to have nothing. And ultimately, if I was a different person I wouldn't have my wonderful husband that fell in love with the person I am now warts and all! So do hang in there, things can change, it's easy for me to say I know, but truley they can!

If you're feeling lonely, struggling, or whatever the reason, you are more than welcome to PM me.

:hug:
Hi

It's so good to be able to hear from someone who has had a similar experience as to what i'm having. I too wondered whether they would change over time. The thing for me is though, there can never be a relationship because I can never forgive them for what they've done to me. I crave that mother-daughter and the father-daughter relationship so badly though, but I realise i'm never going to get that. From them or anyone really. It's just a very scarey thing and I do feel so lonely. Although when I was living with them I never had any positive at all from them, there was always hope, which i guess was something that helped me survive. Now I have no contact with them whatsoever, that hope has been destroyed completely and now I have nothing to hope for. As I get older the realisation that I have no family hits me harder and harder.

I know that I have got a difficult journey ahead of me, there's no doubt in my mind that it's going to be easy. It's just whether i'll be able to do it. Sometimes I feel like I wont be able to make it. I want to, I want my own family one day. And I just want to be happy. But it's whether i'll make it long enough to have that opportunity. At the moment i'm kind of trying to focus on getting through my degree. I have set all these goals in my head to keep focused, I guess this is so I wont have to think about whats going on so much. So I can keep busy. But to be honest i'm not doing as well as I want to be. That's because I can't block the truth out, I can't block my feelings out anymore. It's just so hard.

I've accepted that i'm never going to have that mother-daughter relationship going on, and I think that's a big thing to have to do. I've just got to make a life for myself without them in it. Which is also quite hard. I was very tightly controlled when living there, it really was awful. But now, i'm a free person to do what I want when I want, and it's so uncomfortable. I can never make a decision about what I want to do. I never know what to do. I guess it'll take time, but it's just very hard because i've never been free to do what I want like this. I'm my own boss now.
It's all just crazily scarey - but to be honest, I don't regret leaving, and there is no way i'll ever go back. Which again, I think is why I struggle. To know i'll NEVER have a family around me, not until I make one of my own at least.
It's stupid but i get really upset at stupid silly things. Like at the moment I keep thinking about graduation (which is a while away yet). But I keep thinking how sad and hard it's going to be, because everyone will have their parents there and who will I have there? Noone. I'm contemplating not going to my graduation, because I really think that it's going to be too hard to get through. Maybe i'll feel differently about it at the time, but if I feel like this when it comes to it, then ild rather not go.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I've always been aware that there are other who are experiencing similar situations as me, but have never really talked to anyone. It sounds as though despite everything, you are doing good for yourself. I really hope that I will survive and will make something positive out of my life, just like you.

Thanks, I may take you up on that. It gets so lonely, espeically having no one to talk to who really understands what you're going through.

Take care :hug: :)
 

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