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Mother's Day

valleygirl

valleygirl

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Joined
Apr 5, 2015
Messages
1,974
Location
Valley of dry bones
Every year I hate Mother's Day. And every year I feel guilty for hating Mother's Day. My mother did not physically abandon me by walking away from our family, but she was absent in so many ways when I needed her to be there. And then she was present in so many painful, humiliating ways.

Every year before Mother's Day I wander around the mall trying to think what to get for her, and then I try to figure out what kind of card to get for her. Every card I see is full of warm, mushy feelings and bubbly sentiments, but I do not feel warm, mushy feelings or bubbly sentiments for my mother. And then I feel guilty for not having nice, warm feelings for my mom.

Every year I come home feeling grouchy and irritated, because there are all these expectations on me to celebrate my mom, when inside the most intolerable ache is feeling rejected by my mom. How do you celebrate someone who hurt you so much?

I wish I wasn't so angry at my mom, because I know she was hurting too. I wish I was more compassionate. But when your own mother screams at you that she doesn't want you, and pins you between your bedroom door and the wall, and yells uncontrollably at you when she finds out about your eating disorder, says she can't take you to Europe in the summer if you're going to be taking a shit every half hour, it's hard to be compassionate toward her.
 
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Saranoya

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 12, 2012
Messages
152
You have every right to these feelings. Your mother did you harm.

Of course you feel guilty for thinking of her this way. That's loyalty. She's your mother; no way around it. And of course it would be nice if you could send her a mushy Mother's Day card, and actually believe the words written on it. But that's not your reality.

Thinking: I should be nicer to my mom, because she was hurting too? That's like thinking: I should go easy on this twelve-year-old, who just punched another kid in the playground, because he comes from a difficult home and he never has any money for lunch, and the other kid was waving a twenty dollar bill in his face.

No. Some behaviors are acceptable ways of expressing anger or frustration. Others are not. Bad behaviors have unpleasant consequences. We need to let people feel those consequences. It's the only way we have of trying to stop bad things from happening over and over again.
 
valleygirl

valleygirl

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 5, 2015
Messages
1,974
Location
Valley of dry bones
My sister and I are taking my mom out for lunch today, ahead of mother's day, because my parents are going to be in Las Vegas on Sunday. At least it will be buffered by my sister being there. I am a wreck today. Only slept maybe 3 hours last night.
 
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