Mothers! 😆

LizBo

LizBo

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#1
I've just returned from my mum's where anxiety rose it's ugly head, yet again.

I found myself sitting quietly with my head lowered in frustration and disappointment. "Just breathe" I thought.

I got up, grabbed my handbag and aimed for the door, breathing slowly to avoid 'reacting'. You'd think by now I could take her rantings and insults with a grain of salt, but today it was rubbed into old wounds.

Most of the time I can take a couple of breaths while shrugging it off, but, in front of my son, she took great pleasure in belittling me. My son loves her dearly as by the time he was born she'd mellowed somewhat. He keeps telling me not to worry about her as it's just who she is. He doesn't acknowledge how hurt I can become which makes me feel worse. He doesn't understand the gravity of our relationship; its history of conflict and abuse.

Even though I've made huge steps practicing tolerance on her and gauging my recovery, the hurt can sometimes poke at deep scars.

Walking away is my response as self preservation is the best form of protection I've found from her taunts and insensitivity. Unlike my childhood where there was no escape.

I want my son's respect and admiration which is challenged by her presence. He tends to take her side which cuts like a knife.

I really needed to write this. My chest, shoulders and stomach are beginning to relax now. Thanks for listening.
 
Luci

Luci

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#2
I know this feeling well. I escaped it with my own mother when my first son was born. By this point in my life I knew she was poison to me. She had the chance to have a relationship with my son but wasn't interested. I didnt escape this with my 'mother in law'. It has taken me 13 years to realise that no matter how hard I try, she will never respect me or care for me. I need her our of my life too. My sons are safe with her, they love her and enjoy their time with her. Separate from me.
 
OCDguy

OCDguy

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#3
I've just returned from my mum's where anxiety rose it's ugly head, yet again.

I found myself sitting quietly with my head lowered in frustration and disappointment. "Just breathe" I thought.

I got up, grabbed my handbag and aimed for the door, breathing slowly to avoid 'reacting'. You'd think by now I could take her rantings and insults with a grain of salt, but today it was rubbed into old wounds.

Most of the time I can take a couple of breaths while shrugging it off, but, in front of my son, she took great pleasure in belittling me. My son loves her dearly as by the time he was born she'd mellowed somewhat. He keeps telling me not to worry about her as it's just who she is. He doesn't acknowledge how hurt I can become which makes me feel worse. He doesn't understand the gravity of our relationship; its history of conflict and abuse.

Even though I've made huge steps practicing tolerance on her and gauging my recovery, the hurt can sometimes poke at deep scars.

Walking away is my response as self preservation is the best form of protection I've found from her taunts and insensitivity. Unlike my childhood where there was no escape.

I want my son's respect and admiration which is challenged by her presence. He tends to take her side which cuts like a knife.

I really needed to write this. My chest, shoulders and stomach are beginning to relax now. Thanks for listening.
I assume your son doesn't know the gravity of what you endured. If he did, no doubt his opinion/attitude would change accordingly. Your mother probably needs to know what she has done wrong, and go and reflect on it. This will rightly put the boot back onto the right foot. If this can't be done, perhaps damage limitation could be another way forward. Either way don't go beating yourself up over something that wasn't/isn't your fault :hug:
 
LizBo

LizBo

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#4
Dear @OCDguy;

Thankyou for your kind response. What you mentioned is of course the best way to look at things. I've gradually been able to do that with her since my recovery started kicking in and very proud of it I might add.

The problem lays with it being in front of my son, especially since I haven't seen him for months. My sis called not long after I came home (coincidentally) and I talked it over with her. She bought me back to reality with her lovely caring ways.

It's nice you dropped in to support me; again, thankyou 🌷
 
C

Coolname

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#5
I've just returned from my mum's where anxiety rose it's ugly head, yet again.

I found myself sitting quietly with my head lowered in frustration and disappointment. "Just breathe" I thought.

I got up, grabbed my handbag and aimed for the door, breathing slowly to avoid 'reacting'. You'd think by now I could take her rantings and insults with a grain of salt, but today it was rubbed into old wounds.

Most of the time I can take a couple of breaths while shrugging it off, but, in front of my son, she took great pleasure in belittling me. My son loves her dearly as by the time he was born she'd mellowed somewhat. He keeps telling me not to worry about her as it's just who she is. He doesn't acknowledge how hurt I can become which makes me feel worse. He doesn't understand the gravity of our relationship; its history of conflict and abuse.

Even though I've made huge steps practicing tolerance on her and gauging my recovery, the hurt can sometimes poke at deep scars.

Walking away is my response as self preservation is the best form of protection I've found from her taunts and insensitivity. Unlike my childhood where there was no escape.

I want my son's respect and admiration which is challenged by her presence. He tends to take her side which cuts like a knife.

I really needed to write this. My chest, shoulders and stomach are beginning to relax now. Thanks for listening.
Hi Liz

Sorry to hear about the crap day. Not to project too much but do you think she enjoys playing the victim to your son? Knowing it will wind you up?

Can you minimise time spent with her? Sometimes we have to look after ourselves.
 
LizBo

LizBo

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#6
Dear @Luci;

I'm hearing you girl! The toxicity that plague relationships with our parents can run very deep indeed. Your decision to walk away from your mum is what I did with my dad.

MIL's though; well that's a different ball game. It must be frustrating and sad facing her knowing how she treats you. I'm sorry about that.

I've never had those issues as mine lives in another country and gave up on her son many years ago. She was beautiful towards me on the phone and corresponding via mail. (My husband died 2 years ago; we were divorced)

There seems to be some 'what-if's' when it comes to dealing with in-laws. You know, what if I cause a scene? What if she doesn't speak to me again? What if my husband/children resent me for speaking up?

Some MIL's can be skilled with using guilt/competition as weapons and, acting to uphold their dominant matriarchal positioning within families. Daughter-in-law's bring a sense of threat to that norm; one they've built up and developed with son's since childhood.

"Nobody will ever be good enough or love him as much as I do" seems to be their mantra. Personally, I think it's all about control.

I'm much more of a 'Leave him to his own devices to learn from mistakes' kind of MIL. I'll be there when he says he needs me, that's important. I don't actually like my DIL as she's a lazy girl who exhibits aggression/violence. My son doesn't understand this concept as I never used physical means of communicating while he was growing up. But, he loves her.

You've probably discussed your feelings with hubby; what does he say/think?
 
LizBo

LizBo

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#7
Hi Liz

Sorry to hear about the crap day. Not to project too much but do you think she enjoys playing the victim to your son? Knowing it will wind you up?

Can you minimise time spent with her? Sometimes we have to look after ourselves.
Awe..thanks CN :)

Playing the victim? It's much more complex than that. She does the same thing when my sisters are in the room. For some reason she treats me worse than other siblings. I blame her lack of self esteem and fear of not being the centre of attention; it seems to be what drives her. That, and the need to compete or compare herself with every other woman alive. (Exaggeration? ha! Nope!)

My sis and I have concluded she has a major personality disorder, and without self awareness or treatment, there's little to do but learn to cope with her. I do OK now re this, but on days like today it stretches my capabilities. I'm fine now though.
 
Luci

Luci

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#8
MIL is actually my exs mother. We have been separated for 10 years. My ex (her son) has drug induced mental health problems. My son has autism. She has always been here to help me, childcare, financially..... I began to trust her. I had another baby last year. She began to help me realise that babies dad was not treating me well and helped out with my new baby (due to me not having my mum). In Feb my children were removed from my care. She came to my home, crying and cuddling me, saying she will do anything to help me get them back and this is all totally wrong and down to the way the babies dad treat me. She took me eldest son.
Fast forward. She became evasive and mean, saying unkind things to my son about me, she then started taking my other son to 'help' my ex. Shes decided that my oldest son would be better off with her than me and has stopped talking to me. Luckily her actions are transparent to the courts and she has proved she is unable to provide the care my son needs.
I feel a million times more hate toward her than my own mother. Because she knows. Shes saw me fight and work my arse off to get to where I am and raise my son on my own, provide for him, get my education and a career.... I truly believe she is more evil than my mum, because she worked to gain my trust for nearly 14 years before she stuck the knife in. Just to get what she wanted. Another chance to raise a son, since she fucked up with hers. Luckily my son can even see through her. As a result his behaviour in her care is horrendous. I take this as her karma. Hopefully now she will understand what I have had to deal with on a daily basis and wont be so quick to judge and assume. Not that she will be anywhere near me once my children are returned. The woman is done. She can continue to have a relationship with my children, just under the same conditions as my own mother. My oldest son is 12 now, he has said that he doesn't want to go back to nanas when he returns home, but I think he will change his mind after not seeing her for a week or so.... shes his nana after all ♡
 
daffy

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#9
Hi lizbo she sounds so much like my mum. Share was really violent to me and my sister yet my brother didn’t see any of it and found it difficult to believe when we finally told him when I was 50 and my sister 53. She was a very glamorous woman and always thought she was superior to everyone else. I’m convinced she had undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder because of the violence and the need for us to be perfect and make no noise. We even learned to cry silently. But my sister and I didn’t tell each other or my dad what was going on.
She did mellow as she got older and dementia set in, but I still couldn’t feel really upset when she died. I’m convinced that her behaviour has contributed to my MH issues
 
LizBo

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#10
OMG! You've been through the mill well and truly Luci. I'm so sorry.. :hug1:

I'm glad you see through her and realize it's really about her, not you, not your kids. Your son seems to recognize what's happening; that's great. Kids these days are so in tune with emotional connections at an early age. x
 
LizBo

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#11
Hi lizbo she sounds so much like my mum. Share was really violent to me and my sister yet my brother didn’t see any of it and found it difficult to believe when we finally told him when I was 50 and my sister 53. She was a very glamorous woman and always thought she was superior to everyone else. I’m convinced she had undiagnosed narcissistic personality disorder because of the violence and the need for us to be perfect and make no noise. We even learned to cry silently. But my sister and I didn’t tell each other or my dad what was going on.
She did mellow as she got older and dementia set in, but I still couldn’t feel really upset when she died. I’m convinced that her behaviour has contributed to my MH issues
Oh dear...it's Mommy Dearest with Joan Crawford at the reigns! :scared:

I have no doubt there's more than a few undiagnosed NPD's running around 'out there' causing havoc among families. :cry: What bought me closer to mum and able to bare her insensitive ways, was knowing about her own childhood and what it must've been like.

As children we don't have any choice in the matter, only that which we use to create immature responses to survive them. (Like crying quietly) :sorry::hug:
 
Luci

Luci

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#12
Don't worry about it, I'm getting there :D none of what has been said about me is true and that's apparent now. Although my son has ASD he is very intelligent, and I have brought him up to respect himself, his feelings and to be heard. He is hard work. The MIL has never liked the way I raise him. What she failed to see if that I raise him according to his needs, to ensure he is not as vulnerable as I was as a child and help him understand the world as a person with ASD. This is something shes quickly learned now she is caring for him. And she has a husband! Seems 'her way' isn't the 'right way' after all. His behaviour is appalling and they are exhausted, she even looks like shit. And I dont care how nasty it makes me sound, I'm glad! So rather than get upset and irritated with how much she manipulated me, I'm just watching her with the rod shes made for her own back, and I hope she at least has enough emotional intelligence to realise she ought to apologise for her actions and her constant criticism of me over the years. Appears I was doing a better job after all.... and shes only had him 5 months!
 
LizBo

LizBo

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#13
Hi again @daffy;

I have no doubt your MH issues began at home as a child from what you've said; there's no 'if's' or 'but's' about it. You survived your mum as best you could, just like we all did, plain and simple.

I feel for you hun...:hug1:
Liz x
 
LizBo

LizBo

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#14
Hi all;
As it's 7am here and I haven't slept, I must take my leave and get some rest before an appt this morning.

It's been lovely chatting; your support and willingness to disclose painful memories and situations has been encouraging.
Thankyou...
Liz x
 
C

Coolname

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#15
Awe..thanks CN :)

Playing the victim? It's much more complex than that. She does the same thing when my sisters are in the room. For some reason she treats me worse than other siblings. I blame her lack of self esteem and fear of not being the centre of attention; it seems to be what drives her. That, and the need to compete or compare herself with every other woman alive. (Exaggeration? ha! Nope!)

My sis and I have concluded she has a major personality disorder, and without self awareness or treatment, there's little to do but learn to cope with her. I do OK now re this, but on days like today it stretches my capabilities. I'm fine now though.
Hi Liz

Hope you are getting some rest. What a rotten situation. Well done for getting through the day.
It reminds me of raising a laugh from the more cynical members of a mutual support group. Someone said; 'You only get one mother.' I said; 'Thank Fk for that!' Life can be so tough when there is no opportunity to form healthy emotional attachments as a child. Life can be so tough when you are betrayed as a child, as you were.

Seems like you are doing bloody well considering. *HUGS*
 
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