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Mother emotionally abused me for my entire life and wants access to grandkid

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lifeRuined

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Jul 25, 2018
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Mother emotionally abused me for my entire life and wants access to grandkid

Hello, my mother is an emotionally abusive gaslighting narcissictic troll who has spent her life trying to ruin my life. By some miracle I have managed to claw my way out from under that hell to have some semblance of a normal life. Last year I had a kid and it has created a dynamic that isn't working for me where she wants access to the kid and my wife is interested in our kid having a grandma. My wish is to cut her out if my life permanently so that I can try to heal from her never ending gaslighting and emotional abuse as well as it is very important to protect my child from this, but I understand my wife wanting our kid to have a grandma so We set up 2 skype sessions per month to try to incorporate her but she can't respect any boundaries and always pushes for more and if met with any resistance turns into a miserable troll throwing tantrums directed at me about my cruelty, etc. i have learned over the years how to survive in spite of this but lately I just feel like I can't deal anymore. She is relentless and causing me tremendous distress. Does anyone have any advice?
 
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Helena1

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Does your wife know how your mother treated you and what she is like?
 
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lifeRuined

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Jul 25, 2018
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Yea, she is aware and has the full scope of who we are dealing with. I think it's hard for people who didn't grow up in an environment like this to fully grasp the pain it caused/causes since as my mother likes to put it, she didn't chain me up and beat me. My wife thinks that if I just limit my contact significantly we can make it work however there is no limiting contact with this person she will just push inch by inch slowly creeping back into us finding ourselves immersed in chaos again. Sleepless nights having arguments in my head with her knowing that nobody will ever hear the arguments because you can't have any kind of dialogue with a narcissictic gaslighting troll. I want my kid to have a grandmother as well, Just not sure how having this person as my biological mother can turn into the grandmother we want for our kid. And not ruin my life in the process.
 
Soul_Deeps

Soul_Deeps

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Aug 31, 2017
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Do you want a good grandmother for your child or do you just want any grandmother? Where is the point in having a grandmother if everyone suffers from her. You should try again to talk to your wife and explain why you want any contact to your mother completely canceled and I am sure eventually she will understand.
 
Seachad

Seachad

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Mar 13, 2018
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Sometimes no grandmother is better than an abusive one. Lacking a nuclear family member is survivable. I survived quite well, without a mother or a set of maternal grandparents. I'd've much rather gone without any grandparents at all, rather than had an abusive, gaslighting, narcissistic grandparent in my life.

Could be that your wife had pleasant experiences with her grandmother(s), and so doesn't quite understand what she's asking you to let your daughter in for, despite your stories and explanations. IMO, it might be best to put your foot down and cut off contact.

If you do, though, from experience, don't soft-pedal it to your daughter. Don't trash-talk your mother to her, but don't try to 'shield' your daughter from why you're doing so, either. Tell her the truth. Tell her that her grandmother was cruel to you, while you were growing up, doesn't respect boundaries, can't be relied upon to be honest and tell the truth, and that you were afraid she was going to pull the same sort of abusive behavior with her (your daughter,) and that you didn't want her to have to suffer the same hell you went through with her. Then leave it at that. And whatever you do, don't try to get your daughter to pick sides, to hate your mother, use her as a weapon against your mother, or put her in the middle, in arguments with your mother.

I was fortunate, in that my family handled the absence of my biological related-but-not-family extremely well. I met them later, was open-minded about them, and quickly decided that there was good reason nobody in my family liked them very much. But I'll be forever grateful that I was allowed to make up my own mind, and that my family never tried to prejudice me against them. I'm also grateful that my family was honest -- restrained, but honest -- with me regarding why they didn't like the other side of my biological ancestry.

Any road: Best of luck, and be well, eh?
 
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HelpMe18

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Jun 21, 2018
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That is a really tough situation :( Do you have a counselor or pastor or someone who you can get feedback from, and that can maybe help the two of you work through the situation together? Parenting is hard enough, but adding family situations, especially one like yours, makes it even more challenging. We can give you feedback all day, but my concern is that this crosses into a marriage situation, as in-law/out-law situations often do. It is important for the two of you to get counsel together, IMO so that your marriage is protected and your child doesn't suffer from a situation in your home that can be resolved by working through this very real dilemma. Just a thought.
 
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lifeRuined

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Jul 25, 2018
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Thanks for the input everyone. Just kind of thinking about it all and how to proceed.
 
D

Doggo

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Jul 19, 2018
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My brother is his wife is the same. It's a shame that my niece will never be able to play with her cousins.

But when you think about it, an uncle, an aunti, a cousin, even a close friend of your's can be just as good as grandma. My sister has split up from my niece's abusive father. She does not refer to him as a dad and does not see him. This will have no impact on a child.
 
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R_Sxo

R_Sxo

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Apr 24, 2017
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Hi LifeRuined,

Talk to your wife about how your mother treated you. Hopefully, your wife will respect your wishes. At the very least, hold your ground and allow your mother no more contact than she already has. But as the parents, you have every right to completely cut off contact between the child and grandmotherx

Much love <3
 
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