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More TOCD thoughts... help

F

ftren05

Member
Joined
Nov 1, 2020
Messages
9
Location
USA
I'm not supposed to look for reassurance, but if anyone could help point me in the direction that would be great. I'm in my upper teens and have always identified as a girl. I'm straight and despite what I think was HOCD, I'm pretty confident in my sexuality. But now I've seemed to move on to TOCD.

What scares me the most is (and I know I'm not supposed to look into my past):

• Ages 3-6 I was a huge tomboy (didn't really play with girly toys until I was 8 or so)

• I daydreamed that I was a boy (again ppl say this indicates being trans); however, looking back it almost seems like I was more attracted to him maybe not wanting to be him? I occasionally daydream about him now

• I once tried exploring wearing boys clothes & swimsuits but felt really uncomfortable

• I've kinda been fascinated with transgender people (not in a weird creepy way I hope lol), but watching documentaries and stuff occasionally just because I am curious and I might want to help kids someday and always care about including everyone, I have a sibling who is part of LGBTQIA)

• my voice is low and I often feel like I "protect" my friends or act like a man when I'm talking with my family or giving directions lol

But:

• once I started 1st grade I had no problem being a girl (slightly tomboyish still)- I wouldn't wear jeans because they made me feel too "boyish" (lol)

• When I was 11 I really wanted boobs, but then when I was 14 I wished I was flat chested (mainly because I didn't want to grow up; now I'm indifferent about my boobs now, but I would never get rid of them)

• When I was 12 I had my 1st crush on a guy and though I like guys, I don't think I actually want to BE one


Maybe I was just confused as a kid, because going through female puberty was no problem for me and I actually became more girly and started crushing on boys.??

I recently saw a story about a trans guy and now I'm terrified that if I were taller & better looking I'd transition. Now this thought is on my mind. I panicked because I couldn't tell if I envied him or was attracted to him. Maybe I just admired him. I thought he was cute and immediately imagined dating him. Then that led to all sorts of intrusive thoughts like I was only attracted to him because he's trans and that I'm some weirdo, but I've accepted that I'm attracted to all guys (trans or cis). Lastly, I have never felt dysphoric before and actually would be uncomfortable being a boy.

Sorry for this long post. This has just been occupying my mind and I can't shake it.
 
Y

yulsic_

Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Brazil
Do you want to talk? I am passing through this. Are you better?
 
Y

yulsic_

Member
Joined
Feb 17, 2021
Messages
7
Location
Brazil
Actually it's almost the same problem than the post owner...
 
A

Alooftech

Well-known member
Joined
Feb 11, 2021
Messages
58
Location
Phoenix
I'll explain my cousin, when she was younger, she wore a lot of dresses was very athletic and didn't really whine much unlike the other kids actually. Good swimmer and great awareness skills when we'd play hide n seek. Did we view her as a boy, not in the slightest. Now as she's older she wears literally anything she wants without a care as to what anyone says. I can't blame her; people project their insecurities with little self awareness...and as she put it "horrible clothing styles here in America"

Her voice is low and soft, she makes us fall asleep sometimes; esp. when I talk to her on the phone. High pitched sounds can feel abnormal. She's who I think of when I need to problem solve asap. Sometimes idk who gives a f*ck less, her or her best friend "Lendog". Be like her.
 
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