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Mood shifts

T

tiggerlife

New member
Joined
Oct 8, 2009
Messages
1
Hello...

Well, this is my first post on this forum and I just want to say thank you for creating this place. Somewhere I hope will help me understand what the hell is going on up in my mind...

A little history first. I'm 28, suffered with (diagnosed) panic disorder about 7 years ago, and morbid jelousy about 4 years ago following about 8 months of psychotherapy. I don't agree that either diagnosis is correct because the rabbit hole goes alot deeper.

Long story short, suddenly and out of the blue my partner of 10 years left me. I used to accuse him of having affairs, and cheating on me. I accused him of talking to people about me, and even accused him of plotting against me with his mother. I was convinced (and still am, because of course he left me) that these feelings were true. I am convinced he never really loved me, and that he would find someone better.

So, fast forward to April 2008 - my split with my ex. Suffice to say I didn't take it well. I spent months off work, in and out of emergency wards, doctors surgeries, clinics etc etc and I was a mess. Around this time, something happened to me - something that was inside me became very prominant and I feel like I've been misdiagnosed repeatedly because before my split - the symptoms were there but just not as pronounced as they are now.

Fast forward to present day. On a daily basis I take between 5 to 15mg of Diazepam, 5mg split of Olanzapine and 80mg of Propranolol. The propranolol was originally prescribed for anxiety/panic, Diazepam to "slow my thoughts and feelings down" and Olanzapine for... well, this is the point. I don't know why it was prescribed in the first place as I am still yet to be diagnosed properly.

How do I feel then... well, that varies. And it varies *alot* from hour to hour, or day to day, or month to month. Lately, it's been harder as I was prescribed Venaflaxine which gave me a few side effects (complete insomnia, vomiting, couldn't eat at all, extreme suicidal thoughts unlike I've ever felt before, started to self harm again etc) and was promptly taken off of them. Two weeks later, I still feel unwell from them... and my sleep pattern is still crazy despite all the other drugs I take.

So, on this shifting rota of variation in mood (?) I guess I would feel from one moment to the next extremely happy, bouncy, talkative, laughing and joking and then BOOM this feeling hits me, and I feel low. Then I feel lower, and lower, sadder and sadder and I start to feel like I'm worthless. I start feeling like I should end my life. Sometimes it can swing in a tuppence, and once again I am happy. Not just happier, but absolutely deleriously happy. Then a moment later, utterly hopelessly unhappy or suicidal.

Sometimes this mood change happens like I said, fast, or it can happen over months. I spent almost three weeks working away (my suggestion) and I bearly slept that entire time. I was wired. Now I'm back, after a few days the depression hit me, and that's where I've been ever since. It's worth mentioning I think that the suicidal feelings I had whilst I was on the Venaflaxine felt different to the "usual" feelings I get. Whilst I was on the Venaflaxine I actually felt like harming myself to death was more possible and easier. Off the pills, I feel the suicidal tendancies but they feel, hm, different somehow... like I want it, but not intentionally. This is normally worse when I'm on a high mood... it feels more likely... oddly, when I feel like this.

During these high periods I have been told to "calm down" and to "take things slower"... I've been told that I've lost too much weight (I have lost a hell of a lot since the split...) I've been more likely to snap at people too, and been overly sensitive to situations that normally I would be able to control. I've also signed up to things, got myself into expensive contracts only to realise that after I "come back down" it was a really daft thing to do, and had to wriggle out of the contract which I thought at the time was such a brilliant idea. I even changed my name during one of these periods, and since, have regretted it.

Moving on. It's affecting my life, my job (which I nearly lost many times) and more annoyingly, I'm sat here with all these feelings, and no diagnosis, being treated for "some kind of mental disorder" with a powerful antipsychotic which, to be fair to it, does make me feel more "normal" despite the side effects. I suppose I'm just tired of not knowing what's wrong with me. I am, yet again, going to be seen by another Psychiatrist in a few weeks to be prodded and poked yet again to see what they think, but I'm now at the stage of talking to others who feel like this to try and understand what's wrong.

This isn't anxiety, this isn't panic, it's not depression, it's something else and I get the feeling the breakup with my partner triggered it big time. I've always felt like this, but it's gotten worse since my breakup. Does *anyone* feel like this, or behave in this way? Please do get in touch, and post... I'm desperate to find out what's wrong with me just for peace of mind... and also so I can get the right treatment rather than being randomly treated with drugs for conditions which are non-specific etc...

Thanks to all in advance,
Matthew
 
A

Ainsworth

Guest
hey Matthew :welcome:

yeah that really sums me up at the moment and also had a trigger that set it off this time as well.

my brain is fuzzy with knowing what to write bear with me

im on valproate (a major high dose) diazepam but i use drink also which i need to control and been on Anti-Ds, i know im depressed but have other isses, was suspected BP but as i said need to get rid of the bad behaviours before they will dx me.

erm well sorry nope i dont know whats going on with me or you but i kinda understand which is alittle help

once i find out i promise to tell you :)
 
dib4uk

dib4uk

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 23, 2009
Messages
2,182
Location
south london,england
To the original poster, do you think it could be a personality disorder? You mention morbid jealousy and I was wondering if you could be suffereing from one of the personality disorders that a person can have?


Just a thought.


:D
 
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