Mood episodes, paranoia, visual and sound irritation

2

220119

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Slovakia
#1
Good morning/day/evening to everyone who’s reading this,

I’m rather a young person, looking for some answers before I visit a specialist. I don’t want to put my name in here as I feel anxious about it. I’ve been feeling really... strange lately — for the past few months or a year even.

Also, I’m still learning english, so I do apologize for any mistakes.

A backstory of mine and family mental illnesses:
Since birth I have been told that I was weird, strange in some ways. In kindergarten or school I wouldn’t really socialize, I think I simply didn’t want to or maybe I was just anxious about meeting new people. I had troubles with falling asleep as a child (and I still do), never really went out to play and just grew up in total chaos — my mum’s a paranoid schizophrenic with heavy depression, my parents actually never liked each other, my father would act disrespectfully towards my mother in cruel ways, we were pretty poor, yada yada. Then things happened, my mother ended up in a psychiatric facility and my father divorced her. I then grew up with my grandparents, since my 7th age or something around it. Then I moved back home, where I lived with my father. We never had any connection between us, and we still don’t have any. He later found himself a new wife and they had a child together, which was really nice at first but now he doesn’t care about me, only about his new dream family I suppose. We often argue and fight at home. I can’t remember when me and my father had an actual conversation. Actually, it’s just really awkward when us two have to talk. — I also wanted to note that many of our family members suffer from mental illness — I never met anyone from my father’s side except my auntie, but I’ve heard that my father’s brother is a schizophrenic, his mother/my grandma from his side was mentally ill and my cousin from his side has autism. From my mother’s side — she has heavy depression and paranoid schizophrenia, my grandpa’s brother was heavily ill but no one knew what was up with him because no one decided to treat him, and my grandpa keeps talking and whispering to himself. My sister was diagnosed with depression last year.

Paranoia
Since last winter I had these anxious, paranoid feelings. Every morning I have to get on a bus and take a 45 minute drive to get to school. For some odd reason I started to feel weird. It started with the idea of actually not really seeing stuff at it is. As I thought more deeper about it, I became more and more paranoid about everything. I started to think that someone can hear my thoughts, that what if whenever I think I actually talk really loudly, and everything I imagine in my head I do in real life, but I cannot see it because I have built this strange world where I see things as they should be. I don’t know how to explain differently. Since then the idea has been following me and just racing through my mind. It just feels like everyone is watching me and is talking about me. I can’t really stop it. — A day ago I went to a coffee shop where I go daily to have a cup of coffee and to write an entry into my diary. It always felt normal to me, but that day I sat there all alone and felt just strange. It felt like everyone just pierced their eyes right through me. Laughing people didn’t make it easier for me, I just think they made fun out of me. I started trembling and sweating to the point where breathing became a problem.

Mood
Now, I used to suffer from episodes of melancholic, depressing mood for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it lasted a few days and sometimes a month even. It never troubled me though, as I thought it is normal to feel that way. Years passed and these episodes just followed me as I aged. Last year I had a strange month — it felt like all my troubles just faded away and I actually felt really happy. I felt great, wanted to spread positivity and just loved everyone, even myself. I felt like I had hidden super powers inside of me and my ego grew pretty big, I felt invincible. I was super jumpy and felt well rested, actually didn’t feel any need to sleep for too long — if I ever fell asleep! It got into weird extremes where I’d jump from one subject to another, talk super loudly and quickly and just felt very hyped about everything. I made lots of new friends, hobbies and all. I even left high school after two years of studying and joined an arts high school because I’ve randomly decided to do so. But, as much as I loved all this fun-oriented me, it ended just like that. I woke up and I felt like a different person, it felt so confusing to me. I felt so naive and just angry about everything. For the past year these two “episodes” have been switching on and off uncontrollably. I’ve made strange decisions, even some I don’t really remember. I cut off a lot of people without feeling any guilt and later feeling confused about it. I also forgot to mention that I forget a lot, can’t really concentrate at times, sleeping is just “painful”, feel so tired during day that it feels like I’m dizzy.

Loud sounds
Also, lately, some sounds and things in this world really irritate me/make me anxious even. Let’s say... Lamps. Lamps in my school were never an issue to me, but now I hear this unbearable buzzing. It feels like the sound is drilling through my skull and brain into the center of my head. They make me furious. I’ve asked some people from the same class if they can hear it, in which they replied that they didn’t notice anything strange about them. Many sounds became loud and irritating, mainly electronics, chewing, loud city noises, clocks, phone ringing tones (such as typing sounds or message sounds), cars and so on. I’m also always wearing headphones and listening to music to avoid these sounds, everywhere I go I have headphones in, except when I’m with people or such.

Visually irritating stuff
I’ve just noticed that in our arts class there’s this one lamp that has a yellowish tint to some of it’s parts. All of the lamps are white, but this one is somehow more yellow. Since the day I noticed it I feel like it has been haunting me. I don’t know why though... it’s troubling for me to just be in that room and not point it out everytime... A person which visits the same class with me said to just not look at it, but I can still imagine it in my mind. It’s un ignorable. Crooked material pisses me off as well.

Now, I’ve visited a psychologist before, been visiting them for half a year but all this meditation and relaxation methods didn’t really work as I always felt tired and almost fell asleep during them. I’ve been diagnosed with depression, but I feel like it grew into something larger since then. It’s been one year since I visited a psychologist and I gave up when I had my first “happy” episode — as I call it — which was half a year ago.

I’ve been anxious about posting this, kept deleting and delaying this thread. Hopefully I’ll get some answers before I decide to try and get help again. Have a good morning/day/evening/night, thank you for reading. I’m looking forward for your replies.
 
H

Hermanscoil

Active member
Joined
Jul 18, 2018
Messages
35
Location
US
#2
Hey there! I'm really sorry to hear that your father treats you that way. It's not fair and you don't deserve it. I won't try to address everything in your post at once but I will say that the issues with sensitivity, the high energy, lack of sleep and impulsive thoughts are all indicative of mania. I say this from my experience with mania and seeing my mother in a classical manic episode(excessive spending which put us into bankruptcy, agitation, feeling invincible, delusional thinking.)
 
2

220119

New member
Joined
Jan 22, 2019
Messages
2
Location
Slovakia
#3
as I said before, my memory is terrible.

I forgot to mention that I suffer from terrible back, knee and joint pain. Mainly back pain though. Head aches are also super common, I drink a lot of water so I don’t really know what’s the issue. Maybe lack of sleep? The pain is sometimes really unbearable though — it feels like someone shot a large spike into my brain, then it pulses through my head.
 
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