Thank you everyone for caring and thank you MHF for allowing me to vent. Neither of my parents have died yet so I have no idea how to manage what I'm experiencing.
I'm all over the map. All I can say is a ton of feelings I've been repressing my entire life, are suddenly flooding to the surface. Enormous frustration and anger is emerging. As my parents near death, I'm forced to examine my own life, and I'm also reliving parts of my childhood, which is quite painful.
I called my mom a few weeks ago, but it was nearly impossible to hold even a very limited conversation. She kept drifting off and then turned very cold and hung up. But before she hung up she sang me a song. All I could do was just listen to her sing and slip away, and I was fighting back the tears.
I am far away, and too poor to visit her. I would like to giver her at least one final hug before she dies, but as it currently stands, I will be thousands of miles away when she passes. This is really killing me.
Thank you fubarlady. Mom's mind is alphabet soup. And it happened in maybe less than 2 years. The early indicators were when she'd ask me completely illogical or irrational questions.
2 years later about all she can do is mumble incoherently and sometimes sing.
I'm only glad she has a reasonably safe place to live in an elderly care facility. Now that they installed barriers on the high rise balconies I feel a bit better. Mom lives on the 9th floor. Her 85 year old girlfriend down the hall .... well let's not talk about that. What matters is my mom was planning to meet the same fate, and for a long time I worried myself sick over it. But the building owners installed partitions to prevent a repeat of that tragedy.
Thank you Fubarlady. I'm really glad the building owners took action to prevent more elderly care facility high rise jumpers. I sleep a tiny bit better knowing this.
Today a store counter clerk asked me if there is anything else I would like to purchase, and I said... Not unless you have a miracle cure for advanced Parkinson's or Alzheimers .... Or anything at all that can save my mother's sanity and life.
She shook her head and looked down. No. sorry I do not have such a product available at this time...
Sorry to hear that. I would describe my relationshit with my mother as Troubled. Exceedingly troubled and painful.
Have you ever tried to form an intimate loving relationship or emotional bond with a narcissist? Are you familiar with NPD traits and behaviors?
They're not like normal people or parents. They're more like cult leaders than parents, friends, or spouses.
And all their friends, family, and children are acolytes. Devotees to the divine narcissist god or goddess.
The endless mind games and manipulations, triangulation, the GASLIGHTING!!.. Omfg.
On two occasions I nearly murdered my mother, that is a fact. Once in my early teens, and once again as a grown man. Because I could no longer tolerate her agonizing psychological torments and violence.
Last time, she spent hours verbally degrading me, and when I told her to shut up, she punched me hard in the head with a curled fist. Then she said... "What are you going to do about it? If you say anything to anyone, I will call the cops and tell them you're a drunk crazy person and you attacked me, and they will lock you away. Who do you think the police will believe? Me, or a mental patient like you?".
I won't say what exactly happened next, but I did spend 2 weeks in jail over it, and my mother vowed she would see to it that I spend the rest of my life rotting in prison.
If that maybe gives you some small insight into our 55 year long troubled relationship.
People may wonder why I even speak to her. Why don't I just forget she even exists? How can I possibly love or care about such a woman?
As I've said in previous posts in this thread... perhaps I have serious Stockholm Syndrome. Or perhaps I really do love her so much, I'd be willing to spend the rest of my life in prison to prove it. God only knows.
Groot... you have a reason to live.... YOU are the reason to live. Parents are very important, but you as an individual as equally if not more important. If you had a "normal" mum and she was dying of a physical disease you would feel equally bereft... Your emotions are normal... do not confuse them. They are more complicated because of her dementia and they way she raised you. But the loss of one's parent is so upsetting under any circumstances. Grief is hard... under any circumstances. And under complicated circumstances its worse. But you as a person will still be there, and still be valuable, and still be wanted in this world. Take care...
Sorry you're relationship with your mom was troubled. I got into a fight with my mother before. She deserved being struck for striking me first. Sometimes I still want to beat her up. You deserved to defend yourself against her. You shouldn't have went to jail for it! You deserve to live. I agree with Ziedite. You ARE the reason to live. I hope your life gets easier. What ever happened to your dad? Yes I hate the gas lighting behavior. People use to do it to me all the time. Hope you are feeling decent at least.
Yeah. Your mom and my late dad are a lot alike. I just got back from burying him, two weeks ago.
Our situations aren't the same, and I'm not saying they are. What I am saying is that there actually is life afterward. And as for arguing? Hell, there's always some dumb SOB who's going to insist upon getting into one. (And no, it's not the same thing. I understand that. Boy, do I understand it.)
But...there actually is life beyond all the arguing and fighting and go-to-hell proving them all wrong. I was shocked as hell, when I found that out. But there is. It's...confusing at first. The anger and the fighting and all, if nothing else, provides a focus and a direction. I'll say that for it. But...hell, once one gets used to it, and learns not to have to be constantly prepared to defend against it...the absence of having to argue and fight all the time can be...well, actually pretty nice, really.
Of course, that doesn't mean it's all duckies, bunnies, and unicorns farting rainbows all over the place. I got stressed as hell, today, and punched-out the keyboard, then snapped it in half and tossed it across the room. But the good thing about all that was that my girlfriend didn't get scared, because she understands that she wasn't in any danger, and I wasn't gonna go all psycho and start hitting her, like a couple of her exes have in the past. So she didn't even jump. She just remarked, amused, that she'd never seen anyone fold one in half before and didn't know it was possible. (Luckily, we had a spare about the house.) And later, we drove over to Leesburg, where they're having their BikeFest. That...wasn't a good thing. We weren't there because of it, and all the wannabe outlaw-biker cosplaying a**holes running around acting all macho-aggressive were setting off the PTSD something fierce. I managed to get out of town without punching anyone in the face and starting a fight, but I was shaking at more than one point, and not from fear -- they were setting off the PTSD.... So, yeah. It's not all duckies, and bunnies, and rainbow-farting unicorns. But there is life beyond all the arguing and fighting, and...most of the time...it can actually be worth living, believe it or not, once you get used to not having to fight and tell everyone to go to hell all the time.
Else, you've my sympathy, for the nothing it's worth, Groot. I know we don't always get along on here, but I don't wish you any ill. I know what it is to lose people you love, including people you have one hell of a love-hate relationship with. It isn't easy, to make a massive understatement, and I don't have any words to make it easier. FWIW, I hope you make it through, and I hope you make it out the other end, and find a life worth living. It is possible. I found that out, even though I didn't expect to. I honestly hope that you do, as well.
I know I make myself sound like a horrible person but I'm really not. It took enormous pain and physical abuse to finally make me snap. I've never wanted anything more than a close loving relationship with my mother. What child doesn't want that? But you can't love someone who hurts you every time you try to get close, and you lower your guard.
Anyway that's all in the distant past. Happened 20 years ago. It's just that right now a great deal of pain is coming to the surface, and I'm not coping well. If I can make myself feel like a monster, it doesn't hurt as much.
But something positive happened yesterday. I managed to re-establish contact with my sister. We haven't had any contact in years. And we arranged a 3-way call to our mother which lasted an hour or so. I think it went well. I was very kind and polite, and we've discussed arranging weekly conference calls. Mother son and daughter.
I hope if nothing else, when my mom leaves this world, it will be on a sweet note, not a bitter parting. It's time to let go of all the bad, and help usher her into the afterlife with kindness and compassion.
And I truly hope I can maintain a long term relationship with my sister as well, after mom is gone. She is my only sister, we were quite close as kids, and I love her very much.
I know what you're saying. I would have loved an all loving relationship with my mother. I'm glad you are talking to your sister again. I am glad about the weekly calls between you three. You don't seem like a horrible person to me Groot. You just seem like someone whose had enough battering from life. I have done really bad things. I use to hurt people and animals up until two years ago after not doing it in so long. I feel like a p.o.s. for it. I feel guilty for it everyday and will until the day I die. I really do hope things get better for you. How is court going?
Thanks for the kind words, Fubarlady, and sorry to hear you and your mom were not close. All kids need loving parents. Not neglectful or abusive ones. I think our childhood experiences dramatically influence our entire lives. They shape who we are and how we interact with society, for better or worse. I got sent out into the world a badly damaged kid, and it shows in all aspects of my life, even at my oldish age.
There were red flags galore, I was becoming a pretty disturbed kid. That should have alerted a lot of people I needed help, but little was done. My parents did take me to several psychiatrists, beginning at around age 13, but, those shrinks failed to see the obvious.
That being, my mental problems were a direct result of abuse, both at the hands of my parents, and relentless school bullying.
Partly that may have been because I was being very defensive and protective of my parents. So many years later I can't remember the discussions we had, but I don't think I ever told my doctors I was living in constant fear of being murdered by my psychotic father, or was being relentlessly shamed and tormented by my mother. More likely I blamed myself for everything wrong.
One doctor said I needed to be immediately institutionalized, long term, possibly forever, because I would never be able to care for myself or function in free society. But that guy was a total quack, incompetent. The next doc was a pretty cool guy. He wore jeans and a T-shirt in his office, and smoked cigarettes. I was only 14 at the time, but, he gave me cigarettes and let me puff away in his office as we talked. You probably won't see that happening much these days, lol, but it worked rather well. Lighting up in his office made me much more relaxed and comfortable, so I opened up a lot to the dude. But what could he do? Call DFCS and have my parents arrested? That would have destroyed our family for sure.
I'm getting off track again. This thread is supposed to be about my mother's Dementia, not my life story.
Or is it? Maybe my mom's mental problems and mine are all tied together.
We've both done some pretty bad things Fubar... things we deeply regret. Things we cannot undo, and those are crosses we'll bear for the rest of our lives. But that doesn't mean we are bad people. Just shows both of us are reacting to our environment and past traumatic experiences in a negative way. My BPD and PTSD have reeked havoc throughout my life, and your story may be eerily similar.
As for my current legal troubles... I'm psyching myself up for a possible court battle, and I am facing up to 2 years in county, but I highly doubt they will pursue prosecution. I am an innocent victim of assault, not the perpetrator. I got a flood of mail from criminal lawyers wanting my money, and I tore all that up. Like I've said in previous posts, I am my own attorney, and I have never lost a court case. I have been told many times by public defenders and court bailiffs to shut my mouth and never directly address the Judge, but if I listened to those idiots I'd be in jail the rest of my life.
I have never met a District Attorney I couldn't outwit. Or just charm so damn much, they drop all the charges. And the last Judge I faced demanded a $2000 fine. He said, "Plea guilty, and pay up or I'm putting you right back in your cell". And I said to the judge; No I think not. But I'll tell you what I will do. I will plea Nolo, and give you 100 bucks cash, and you'll release me immediately. Take it or leave it. If you don't like my terms, I may sue the police department for beating the crap out of me. 4 cops kicked in my hotel door, beat the bajesus out of me, hog tied my wrists and ankles with cuffs, carried me off like a busted up bloody sack of meat, and threw me into a filthy drunk tank where I received no medical attention. And the only reason those cops were there, was because they'd placed me under surveillance for a week, convinced I was the wanted bank robber fugitive they were looking for. So I might sue the county for that!
$100 fine and 20 minutes later I was out the door.
Again I digress, and I am thread flooding my own dementia thread, which is rather rude and selfish.
How does any of this pertain to my mother's dementia?
I guess maybe it does because most of my life was spent bickering and fighting with her, and now that she no longer has the sharp wits or strength required to compete, and will likely die very soon... I'm worried the police and courtrooms will become her substitute, a surrogate mother of sorts.