Mom Has Left the Building

Groot

Groot

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#1
The woman who gave birth to me. The one with whom I am inextricably interlaced.

She is gone, she can no longer formulate comprehensible sentences, she is lost forever to Dementia, and I have no words to express what I'm feeling right now.

Anger maybe? YES I am ANGRY. Fear? I am feeling fear. You have no idea what our love hate bond has been like for the last 1000 fkn years.
 
Kerome

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#2
That must bring forth some complex emotions, Groot, your post touches on it but I think it will take time to really feel the details of what’s going on inside. I remember what I felt when my stepmother died, with whom I had a complicated relationship. It took months to process.

But your mom is not dead yet, often those suffering dementia have a period of clarity prior to death. And things like music can bring them to life temporarily... maybe you’ll have a chance to have another conversation with her.
 
A

alexolly2006

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#3
Hi Groot,

So sorry to hear about your mum's dementia. Kerome knows what he's talking about and let's hope you have meaningful conversation with your mum very soon.

I would be lost without my mum, she is the only person apart from my 2 boys I hold dear in this world.

I lost my dad when I was young to a brain tumour. He wasn't perfect Groot, but he was my dad and you only get one.

You keep your chin up my friend, I am thinking of you.

David
 
Groot

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#4
Kerome I had a dream last night about two birds by dark water. They jumped off the dock and swam out together onto an infinite ocean. That means my mom will die very soon and rejoin her sister.
 
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Kerome

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#6
Dreams can be odd; sometimes they seem like they mean something but often they are hard to interpret with certainty. We can hope that she’s going to last a good while yet. My grandmother after she went to live in a care home lasted quite a while, and she was only lucid in short periods.

Maybe you should try and write a little Groot, just whatever comes up in your mind, poetry, some free association, it’s a good way of clearing the mind and letting it process stuff.
 
Groot

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#8
This isn't about ME. Or is it? What if I don't know who I am anymore when she's gone? You have to understand my mom is my only friend and worst fckn Enemy. When she dies I won't have anyone left to love or HATE. That thought alone scares me. I think maybe it is only my hatred that keeps me going. When mom dies I will have nobody left to hate. Ergo, no reason left to live.
 
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Kerome

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#9
It kinda is about you Groot, you’re the one writing and working through stuff.

What happened with my stepmother was, she was the first of my parents’ generation to die, and so it was a bit of a shock. But after a few months of considering, I ended up coming to terms with what she meant for me. It helped that we had a good moment just before she died. Anyway what I now notice when I think of her is a deep peace.

So you see that’s possible too... time unravels this stuff in your mind, it softens some things and allows you to come to terms with things. And you may find that after a while - 6 months, a year, five years - that what remains is a great peace.
 
Groot

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#10
Ya well. I can't fuckin do this. Not homeless and all alone in the world. Not without ANY support from family or friends or anyone on earth. My mother is calling me asking me to put her out of her misery. Mercy killing. She says if I really love her I'll end her pain. And WHERE THE FUCK IS my brother, sister, or father to help me cope? NOWHERE IS WHERE.

JESUS I'm gonna snap soon. I cannot do this alone.

And I feel really SELFISH for even saying that.
 
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Kerome

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#12
It sounds pretty intense, pretty reasonable that you should call on some family to help out.

Wishing you lots of strength and good fortune ;) g’nite
 
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Groot

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#13
It's possible I have decades long Stockholm syndrome. Having been raised by a malignant Narcissist. If I say black, she says white. If I say day, she says night. My mother was never capable of empathy or agreeing with me about anything. Every word from my lips, she automatically adopts an argumentative adversarial position.

But now that she has dementia.. her mind is essentially goo.. No one left to bicker with. It's just me now, bickering with myself. Well, me and the legal system. I take comfort in knowing I can always argue with cops and prosecuting attorneys and judges... to replace my mum.

I think I am winning. Last judge ordered me to pay a $2000 fine for drunk and disorderly conduct, and I said.. LOL I think not. Tell you what, I got 100 bucks cash in my pocket, take it or leave it your honor. Or send me back to jail if that is your choice. But I should warn you I'm really starting to like county jail. I'm making new friends. I'm feeling Loved there. So, 100 bucks or gtfo.

Woman Judge took the 100 instead of 2000 and said, "Don't ever come back to my courtroom." And I thought, why would I not want to be back in your court? You remind me so much of my Mother, I am finally feeling a true emotional connection. Your Honor I am feeling the Love.
 
Groot

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#14
It's beginning to make sense as she dies. I feel compelled to get myself in trouble, then argue my way out of prison, to be rewarded, or validated somehow.... to WIN. And in my head, "winning" equals the loving mother / son bond we never had.

Classic Stockholm Syndrome? Sympathizing with my narcissist captor... punishing, self-harming, and then fighting to free myself to feel as if I finally earned her love and approval. God what wicked mind control she's had over me. My mother is worse than any cult leader.
 
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Groot

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#15
Sorry I was just venting. Much of my anger might stem from my inability to cure my mother's illness. She always expected me to work miracles.... like Cure cancer or Alzheimer's... walk on water, or something similar, and I regretfully cannot live up to her expectations. So I am feeling both helpless and deeply ashamed of myself. I am NOT Jesus Christ.
 
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Kerome

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#17
Vent away Groot, it seems like there is some useful material coming out of it for you, some realisations about how your relationship with her worked. These things are valuable, and usually hard won.
 
Groot

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#18
When the narcissist mother's invisible umbilical cord is finally detached.. severed forever, groot will be very scared and I know I'm gonna cry like a baby. It might be the 2nd time in my entire life of 55 years I actually cried. I didn't even cry in jail when angry apes were threatening to stab out my pretty blue eyes with sharp pencils. But when my mom dies, I think I will maybe cry me a rivers
 
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Groot

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#19
I guess we have some kind of sacred bond? A Love Hate relationship. And that is the only relationshit I understand or ever will understand, between males and females. I have cited life long Stockholm Syndrome, but is our mother son bond something more than that?

Only god knows. All I know is I can NO longer carry this weight ALONE. Watching her lose her mind to dementia.

Where is my brother? Where is my baby sister? Where is my father? NOWHERE IS WHERE. NOWHERE IS WHERE!!!!!

I never did have a REAL FAMILY. I have cardboard cut out stage props shadowy silhouettes invisible blank NOBODIES for a so-called "family" and perhaps it is time I finally recognize and accept that cold fuckin FACT.
 
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Groot

Groot

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#20
NOBODY in my immediate family is even capable of emoting. Expressing genuine EMOTION. Or feeling any family love or bond. They never were. I was born into a family of sociopaths, psychopaths, and narcissists. And I punish myself for this. Or rather my mother punishes me for that? Fuck doc,
 
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