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Mixed Up, Scared & Feeling Very Alone



New member
Sep 16, 2017
I need help.

Background, a DX of BPD some 9 years ago, one I have been reluctant to accept but grudgingly did. No traits of BPD for 4 years after therapy - never been a serial self-harmer.

Plenty of other traits that are also linked to Bipolar, binge eating being one.

I have a reached a point of no return. I have had enough and set plans in motion to end things next week.

I am tired of feeling numb inside but looking ok on the outside.

I seem to keep going through these cycles of depression, but mixed so I'm bouncing off the walls but also want to die and feel hopeless, unloved and so alone.

What I am experiencing now happened last year and I sought help only to be fobbed off by them and discharged after one appointment with a locum psychiatrist.

Now, I am back in the same cycle again. Started with feeling depressed, tired, hopeless, anger and sleeping a lot. Then it switches so I feel depressed and empty, but find myself happy, smiling, singing, talking and not sleeping.

I have barely had much sleep in the past few weeks and I've been writing non-stop, keeping a diary or just being generally creative on the bedroom wall (a first!)

I walked away from my best friend almost three weeks ago because I knew it was my intention to finally kill myself and I didn't want to hurt her, I also didn't want her to stop me. She's now just phoned me and I broke down in tears and have agreed to go and see her this evening. My friend has a lot going on at the moment, her husband is terminally ill and I wanted to protect her from what I was going through.

I've also been driving rather risky in the past few weeks, slamming the accelerator down and taking of like a bat out of hell, not caring about anything, tie this in with loud music!

I've managed to spend £500 in the last week on nothing, mostly creative things and lots of Sharpie pens!

I ended up in A&E almost two weeks ago, only to be fobbed off with a referral back to the CMHT which could take 14 days. That is up on Monday 18th. I have been desperate to speak to / contact my old CPN who I have not seen after I was discharged 2 years ago.

I just want to die. There is a rainbow I need to follow and at the end of it my mum and my dogs will all be waiting for me. There has to be a better place that the one I am currently living in.


I'm sorry you're suffering. Please don't kill yourself. :hug:


New member
Mar 20, 2018
Hey there, I'm new to this forum. I can really relate to what you are going through, I have both BPD and bipolar, as well as a history of binge eating. I've been struggling lately myself with rapid cycling and have felt really isolated from my friends as a result. I saw 2 different psychiatrists this month in the hopes that one would help, but they basically saw me for 5-10 minutes and wrote me off as drug-seeking. Finally I saw a psychiatrist last week, he saw me for 5 minutes but at least was able to prescribe me something that seems to be helping a little.

I know it is tough. Some of my family members and friends have written me off and refuse to talk to me or have anything to do with me. This disease is so isolating and not many people understand it. But please don't give up. Please. Maybe you have a history of suicide attempts or ideation, I have a history of both, but I can promise you that there are people out there who understand what you are going through, people who can relate and would love to support you and be by your side through all this bullshit.

If you ever want to talk, I am here for you, even though I know you don't know me. But just know you have all of us on this website hoping that you will be ok and stay alive.

Also I now have an online therapist that was matched with me through a survey. That has helped me a ton because I have had bad luck in finding therapists by myself. It really helps to have someone to talk to, to know you are cared about and important to people. I know your friend must love you.

(((hugs))) sorry if I said anything wrong, I am new at this and suck at words.
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