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Mixed states I think, I'm so sorry this is so long, maybe I just needed to vent



Active member
Jul 26, 2016
Mixed states I think, I'm so sorry this is so long, maybe I just needed to vent

I lived in Colorado for my entire life, most recently in Denver in a little mobile home with a yard. On a whim we put it up for sale and it sold 2 days later. Two weeks later our stuff was packed and on its way to California, where my husband is from. I had to stay in Colorado to finish up the paperwork. Hubs ended up getting an apartment in the same complex as his ex-wife. I'm still super pissed about that. 3 weeks later hubs injures his back so severely that he couldn't get out of bed for 5 days. He lost his job.

I finally made it to California a month ago. He is working 20 hours per week, but it's killing him. I can't find a job because there's not much I can do that won't aggravate the anxiety and bipolar. Target wouldn't even hire me.

Since I got here i have been wracked with depression to the point where I sleep 12 hours a day, plus have all the body pains and i don't take care of myself. Some days i don't leave the house. And then the anxiety which has been so bad that I doubled my dose of ativan (which wasn't much to start with), and I did try to do the DBT which did help. Now I'm sliding into periods of mania, where i can't sleep and go on rages which embarrass everyone, including myself. Then I'm like, wtf is going on. Now I'm mixed states. I'm so tired I want to sleep, but can't.

I'm homesick and I don't like it here. People are rude. There are no decent parks to walk the dog. I'm scared as hell to drive my car, so I've been stuck at home unless hubs drives. I have panic attacks driving. I went from living with just hubs to living with 3 other people, including a 2 year old. I need a garden, but there's no room. Half of my stuff is still in boxes. People keep telling me to give it a chance, but why? Things are so crappy and stressful that my first instinct is to just pack up and run.

Does anyone have any different views about it? To maybe point my brain in a different direction?
Poopy Doll

Poopy Doll

Well-known member
Jun 13, 2015
Fort Lauderdale, Florida, USA
gypsiqueen, I'm sorry the new place is disappointing and your husband has had problems with his back. Back issues are just simply awful to endure. I have pain issues too, so I know how hard it is for him. My bf has pain also. We are now like two old farts trying to manage each day. As I see it, you have to accept the new situation until you can arrange for something better and arrange for it carefully, thoughtfully, not impulsively. Or you could go from the frying pan into the fire.

Driving is important. Try to get past the panic around driving. Pick one place, get specific directions, and go there. Reward yourself for achieving this goal with ice cream or something. Then pick another place, get specific directions, and repeat the process. Driving is your freedom. Driving is your independence. Don't give in to the panic. Don't let the panic win.
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